Monster-in-Law Movie Quotes
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
What color are my eyes?
Dr. Kevin Fields
Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the color is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they almost look green. That's my favorite.
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Ruby
Fix your hair. You look like a damn cockatoo.
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Viola Fields
[Leaning on car]
That little bitch. Come on, Ruby. Let's go to the beach and drink wine.
Ruby
[Grunts while putting in luggage]
Viola Fields
What's wrong, Ruby?
Ruby
You know exactly what!
[Picks up luggage]
Ruby
Move.
Viola Fields
Ruby, what's wrong?
Ruby
I am sick! I am sick, sick, sick of your shit! And when I'm not sick, I'm tired! I am sick and tired!
Viola Fields
What are you trying to say?
[rushes to car]
Viola Fields
[rushes to car]
Ruby? Ruby? Ruby, you're not going to leave me like everyone else, are you?
Ruby
Of course not! You old slut!
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Viola Fields
That slut is practically throwing herself on him!
Ruby
I don't blame her, that boy's one fine piece of ass!
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Viola Fields
I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude!
Ruby
I know. Now, that's just wrong.
Viola Fields
Thank you.
Ruby
You are far worse. I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you. And I'm pretty sure she wore black to your wedding.
Viola Fields
Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning. I just want my son to be happy.
Ruby
Whatever made you think he wasn't?
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[trying on and ripping a dress that's too small]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Oh, man! I've got *two* asses!
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
And about the holidays...
Viola Fields
Are you gonna keep me away?
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
You must be present for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, school play, clarinet recital, and soccer game in our kids' lives. I want you to love them, and spoil them and teach them things that Kevin and I can't. Like how to throw a right hook for example. I want you there, Viola. I do, up front and center. From this point i will not negotiate.
Ruby
Damn, that girl can give a nice little speech!
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Ruby
Well, good. They still got you medicated.
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Ruby
Charlie's face will blow up like a balloon!
Viola Fields
Good, then it will match the rest of her body.
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Where's your bridesmaid dress?
Viola Fields
Oh, I gave it to Ruby's daughter, she works at Hooters, she was thrilled.
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Oh, 'cause I just don't know.
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Viola Fields
Marriage is a sacred union which must only be entered with the utmost care.
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Weren't you married four times?
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[Viola has a hissy fit]
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Dr. Kevin Fields
What are you doing the rest of your life?
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Viola Fields
What do you do for fun?
Pop Star
I love watching really old movies. They're my favorite.
Viola Fields
Really? Really? Which ones?
Pop Star
Well, "Grease" and "Grease II." Um, "Benji." I love "Benji." "Free Willy," um..."Legally Blonde," "The Little Mermaid."
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Viola Fields
I thought you were dead, but evil doesn't die so easily.
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
[after Fiona tells Charlie that Kevin is gay]
I used to have such good gaydar.
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Viola Fields
Let's go someplace near the ocean and drink lunch.
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Pop Star
[laughs while talking]
I don't have much time for that.
Viola Fields
So what you're saying is that you don't know what's going on in the world. And yet you've sold over...
[looks down at card]
Viola Fields
--39 million albums. CDs. And millions of kids listen to your lyrics. "If you wanna know me, look inside my make-up bag". You're influencing an entire population of kids who won't know how to think straight. Or how to vote for a president. Or understand the significance of Roe vs Wade.
Pop Star
Oh!
[laughs]
Pop Star
I don't support boxing as a sport. I think it's too violent.
Ruby
Y'all better get that little girl outta there.
Viola Fields
AHHHHHH!
[Throws herself on pop star]
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[last lines]
Ruby
[Ruby and Viola walking up stairs into house. Viola still holding the wedding bouquet that she caught]
And take off that damn dress. You look like a giant peach cobbler. You makin' me hungry... Come on, weathergirl. I'll buy you a box of wine.
[Viola almost belly laughing at Ruby's joke, walks into house, off screen. Ruby turns around to close the doors and opens her mouth so it appears Viola's laughter is coming from her mouth. Laughter echoes away as Ruby closes her mouth, rolls her eyes, and shakes her head. Ruby closes the doors. With the click of the doors shutting, the screen goes black]
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
[after Viola tells Charlie she's moving next door]
"Lovely property, beautiful bay windows." It's BULLSHIT! She doesn't even like this neighborhood!
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[first lines]
[Charlie sitting at her desk at home. Phone rings. Charlie lets the answering machine pick up and listens to the recording]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
[Answering machine message] Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.
[Answering machine beeps to signal beginning of message]
Carol, from LA Temp Agency
[Leaving message on answering machine] Hi, Charlie, it's Carol from the L.A. Temp Agency. Listen, Dr. Patel's office needs you for tomorrow. Is that OK? Let me know. Bye.
[Answering machine beeps signaling end of message]
Remy
[Charlie sketching]
[Remy walks in with cup of coffee and toast]
Remy
Morning neighbor.
[Chews toast]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Heeeyyy...
[Looks at Remy and gestures to his hands]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Help yourself.
Remy
[Lifts hands holding coffee and toast in acknowledgement] Oh, thanks, I was out of everything.
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Uch, why do I even bother?
[Stands up while wadding sketch up into ball. Walks past Remy]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
You know, Remy, I gave you that key for emergencies... Extreme emergencies.
[Unseen Charlie throws sketch backwards and Remy catches it]
Remy
[Shakes sketch open] It was! I needed caffeine... Oh, now this is good. I'd even wear it.
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
Good, 'cause I gotta go. I'm late for my first client.
[Walks out of closet and to bedroom door]
Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
But you stay, have breakfast, take a shower... open my drawers.
[Smirks at him and leaves]
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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini
[after secretly spying on Viola's meeting with her doctor]
Bad day, my ass!
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Kit's Date
How much longer do we have to stay? I have midterms tomorrow!
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Ruby
You wanna take this outside?
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Viola Fields
Ruby, Ruby. Everybody knows that when a woman marries a man she marries his mother, too. What if I drive her crazy?
Ruby
OK, now you're foaming at the mouth.
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Viola Fields
The flower girls are drunk again!
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