The Sunshine Boys Movie Quotes
Ben Clark
I'm getting chest pains. You give me chest pains!
Willy Clark
It's my fault you get excited?
Ben Clark
Yes! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays!
Willy Clark
So come Tuesdays.
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Willy Clark
[talking about his ex-partner, Al Lewis]
As an actor, no one could touch him. As a human being, no one *wanted* to touch him!
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Willy Clark
[arguing over changing a line in their sketch]
What's wrong with saying "enter" instead of "come in?"
Al Lewis
Because it's different. Do you know why we did this sketch for 43 years, Willy? Because it's good.
Willy Clark
And do you know why we're not doing it anymore? Because we've been doing it for 43 years.
Al Lewis
If we're not doing it anymore, why are we changing it?
Willy Clark
You know what's wrong with you, Lewis? You've been sitting on a New Jersey porch for too long. You're out of touch. From my window here
[opens up window]
Willy Clark
I see everything that's going on in the world. Look! I see old people, I see young people, nice people, bad people. I see hold-ups! I see drug addicts! Ambulances! Car crashes! Jumpers from buildings! I see everything! You see... a lawn mower... and the milkman.
Al Lewis
That's why you want to say "enter" instead of "come in?"
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Al Lewis
The man yells at me on stage and gets a million laughs. He yells at me off the stage - he gets a heart attack.
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Ben Clark
You're not supposed to eat pickles. It's high sodium.
Willy Clark
I spit out the sodium.
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Al Lewis
[on the phone]
Doris, I want you to pick me up now. I don't want to discuss it. Pick me up. He pulled a knife on me - a kitchen knife! It was still dirty from breakfast!
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Willy Clark
Oh, you a funny man, Al, a pain in the ass but a funny man.
Al Lewis
You know what your trouble is, Willy? You always took the jokes too seriously. It was just jokes. We did comedy on the stage for 43 years. I don't think you enjoyed it once.
Willy Clark
If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.
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Willy Clark
60-40! All right! 60-40! I get $6000; he gets $4000. What the hell can he buy in New Jersey anyway?
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Willy Clark
Come in... and *enter*!
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Ben Clark
How do you do, Mr. Lewis. I'm Ben Clark, Willy's nephew.
Al Lewis
[shaking hands]
Oh?... oh! Willy's nephew Ben. Sure, hello. How are you?
Ben Clark
Fine, sir.
Al Lewis
Good, good. You're Willy's nephew Ben. How are you?
Ben Clark
Fine, sir, very good. It was nice of you to see me.
Al Lewis
Really? When was that?
[laughing nervously]
Ben Clark
Heh, heh, it was nice of you to see me today.
Al Lewis
Certainly. Today is fine. As a matter of fact, I was expecting you today.
Mrs. Doris Green, Al's Daughter
Please sit down, Mr. Clark.
Al Lewis
Why doesn't he sit down?
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Willy Clark
Lousy Japs, they lost the war, now they send us their junk!
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[first lines]
Man on Street
Hey, Willy, what're you doin' downtown?
Willy Clark
[yelling as he hurries past him]
I'm workin'! What the hell are you doin'?
Man on Street
[laughs, to his companion]
He's working!
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Willy Clark
The finger! The finger! He would poke me in the chest with the finger.
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Willy Clark
To me, you look tired... a little troubled... like a person with something on their conscience. What do I know?
Al Lewis
I got nothing on my conscience.
Willy Clark
Are you sure you looked good?
Al Lewis
I got nothing on my conscience. I'm just sorry you got sick.
Willy Clark
Thank you. I accept your apology.
Al Lewis
What apology? Who apologized?
Willy Clark
You don't apologize for making me sick?
Al Lewis
I never made you sick. You made you sick. You yelled and screamed and carried on like a lunatic until you got yourself sick, and for that, I'm sorry.
Willy Clark
Then why do you come here with your hat in your hand?
Al Lewis
It's a $35 hat. What did you want me to do? Fold it in my pocket?
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Ben Clark
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Willy Clark
What time it is.
[Looking at a clock]
Willy Clark
10:15.
Ben Clark
10:15? Try five after two.
Willy Clark
Why should I try five after two when it's 10:15?
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Ben Clark
Then why won't you work with him again for one night?
Willy Clark
Because of artistic differences.
Ben Clark
What artistic differences?
Willy Clark
I hate the son of a bitch, that's what artistic differences.
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Ben Clark
Will you let me finish?
Willy Clark
You're finished. It's no.
Ben Clark
Can't we discuss it?
Willy Clark
We've discussed it. I'm busy.
Ben Clark
Doing what?
Willy Clark
Not discussing it.
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Willy Clark
I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?
Odessa - Willy's Nurse
I can take anything from you because I have a wonderful sense of humor.
Willy Clark
If you nurse as good as your sense of humor, I won't make it to Thursday.
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Mr. Walsh - Commercial Director
Frumpies! Frumpies! Can't you just say: Frumpies?
Willy Clark
If it was funny, I would say it.
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Willy Clark
I'm in this business 57 years, you learn a few things. You know what makes an audience laugh. You know which words are funny and which words are not funny?
Ben Clark
You told me a 100 times, Uncle Willy...
Willy Clark
Which words are funny?
Ben Clark
Words with a "K" in it are funny. I have to get to the office.
Willy Clark
Words with a "K" in it are funny. You didn't know that, did you? I'll tell you which words always get a laugh.
Ben Clark
Okay, Alka Seltzer.
Willy Clark
Alka Seltzer's funny.
Ben Clark
Chicken.
Willy Clark
Chicken is funny.
Ben Clark
Pickle.
Willy Clark
Pickle is funny. All with a "K". "L's" are not funny. "M's" are not funny.
Ben Clark
Just "K's". I know.
Willy Clark
Cupcake is funny. Tomatoes is not funny. Lettuce is not funny.
Ben Clark
You've explained that to me since I was five. Look, I've got to get back to the office.
Willy Clark
Cucumbers is funny.
Ben Clark
It's getting cold out. Let me give you money. I want you to take a cab.
Willy Clark
Cab is funny!
Ben Clark
Are you listening to me?
Willy Clark
Cockroach is funny. Not if get 'em, only if you say 'em.
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Willy Clark
Then why did you send me the candy and flowers? Because you had something on your conscience and that's why you couldn't sleep at night. That's why you came with your hat in your hand, to apologize, only this time, I'm not going to accept your apology. How do you like that?
Al Lewis
For this I paid a dollar toll on the bridge.
Willy Clark
I'll pay for it... because I'm happy now. I got what I want.
Al Lewis
What did you get? You got no apology from me which you didn't accept.
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Willy Clark
[during the dress rehearsal sketch]
Don't fool around with my nurse! Don't fool around with my nurse! She's a nice girl. She's a Virginian.
Al Lewis
A what?
Willy Clark
A Virginian. That's where she's from.
Al Lewis
Well, she ain't going back, I'll tell you that.
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Ben Clark
A brown suit?
Al Lewis
A brown suit.
Ben Clark
Is that all?
Al Lewis
That's all. And a blonde.
Ben Clark
You mean a woman?
Al Lewis
You know a blond nurse that's a man? Big. As big as you can find. With a big chest. A 40, a 45. And a nice bottom.
Ben Clark
You - you mean a - a sexy girl with a full round rear end.
Al Lewis
Like this.
[holds his hands out]
Al Lewis
This is too small.
[holds hands closer together]
Al Lewis
And this is too big.
[holds hands far apart]
Al Lewis
Like this.
[brings hands back to their original position]
Al Lewis
Is perfect.
Ben Clark
I know what you mean.
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Al Lewis
You know, I think you went a little crazy in the country.
Al Lewis
You want to stand here and insult me or do you want to rehearse the sketch?
Willy Clark
I would like to do both.
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Willy Clark
You're old fashioned. I'm still new fashioned. I'm still in demand. I'm still hot!
Al Lewis
If this room was on fire, you wouldn't be hot.
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Al Lewis
I got a terrific idea. Instead of working together again, let's *never* work together again.
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Willy Clark
You don't know the first thing that's going on today. Did you ever hear the expression, "That's where it's at!"? Well, *this* is where it's at! And that's where I am!
Al Lewis
I see. Did you ever hear the expression, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about"? It comes right in front of the other expression, "You *never* knew what the hell you were talking about."
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Performer on Fictional TV Program
I don't want to blow the jokes, you know.
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Nurse in Sketch - 'Miss McIntosh'
[during the dress rehearsal sketch, 'Miss McIntosh' jiggles and coughs]
Excuse me. I think I have a chest cold.
Willy Clark
[takes a closer look into her plunging neckline]
It looks more like an epidemic to me.
Nurse in Sketch - 'Miss McIntosh'
[turns and thrust her chest next to the 'Doctor's' face]
Is there anything else you can think of?
Willy Clark
I can think of it, but I'm not so sure I can do it.
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Willy Clark
[during the dress rehearsal sketch]
Oh, nurse. Nursey.
Nurse in Sketch - 'Miss McIntosh'
[enters, busting out all over]
Did you want me, Doctor?
Willy Clark
Yeah, but we got business first? What's your name again?
Nurse in Sketch - 'Miss McIntosh'
Miss MacIntosh. You know, like the apples.
Willy Clark
I forgot the name.
[looks down 'Miss McIntosh' top]
Willy Clark
But the apples I remember.
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Narrator of Fictional TV Program
They're more than a team, they're two comic shining lights that beam as one. For Lewis without Clark, would be like laughter without joy.
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Willy Clark
[during the dress rehearsal sketch, 'Miss McIntosh' enters in a low plunging outfit]
I told you not to *bust* in here.
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Ben Clark
Al Lewis wants to come up and see you.
Willy Clark
Ben, if you wanted to kill me, you could have brought the cigars.
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Willy Clark
Tell me something, how old is a woman like you?
Odessa - Willy's Nurse
It's none of your business.
Willy Clark
I'm not asking you for business.
Odessa - Willy's Nurse
Fifty-four.
Willy Clark
You married?
Odessa - Willy's Nurse
My husband passed away four years ago.
Willy Clark
Oh. You were the nurse?
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Willy Clark
I don't need any money. I live alone. I got two nice suits. I don't have have pussycat to bother me. I'm very happy.
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Ben Clark
Just tell me what's wrong with Al Lewis. He seemed nice enough when I met him.
Willy Clark
Did you ever meet him?
Ben Clark
I just said I did. I was 13 years old. It was backstage at some benefit, I forget the theater. He was *very* sweet to me.
Willy Clark
Maybe he thought you were a midget. He loved midgets. But people he hated.
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Willy Clark
Sam, say hello to my nephew. If he was your agent, you wouldn't be working.
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Willy Clark
Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
Ben Clark
I had lunch.
Willy Clark
Maybe you ate, but you didn't have lunch. In here, you have lunch.
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Al Lewis
You know what you are? You're a 73-year-old putz.
Willy Clark
At least the putz didn't drive all the way here from New Jersey!
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Willy Clark
Well, you know, people don't go out to New Jersey unless they have to.
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Mrs. Doris Green, Al's Daughter
Mr. Clark, vaudeville is dead. Thank God, my father isn't.
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Ben Clark
Shut up!
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Ben Clark
It's a very happy moment for me.
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Ben Clark
Crazy freakin' old man!
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Willy Clark
You ready?
Mr. Walsh - Commercial Director
I'm ready. I swear to God, I'm *ready*. Just bite the potato chip and begin. Please.
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Willy Clark
How do you do? I'm Willy Clark.
Mr. Walsh - Commercial Director
Yes. We met. You auditioned for me last year.
Willy Clark
I don't remember that. When was that? Last year?
Mr. Walsh - Commercial Director
Yes, it was last year.
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Willy Clark
Don't get fresh with me! I got a few years on you before you get fresh with me!
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Willy Clark
Hey, a little respect.
Ben Clark
How about some respect for me? I'm a human being too.
Willy Clark
We'll see. You're young. You got time yet.
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Ben Clark
ABC said to me that "The History of Comedy" would not be complete unless they included one of the greatest teams to *ever* come out of Vaudeville: Lewis and Clark, The Sunshine Boys!
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Willy Clark
You know a new musical went into rehearsal today and I didn't get an audition! Why didn't I get an audition?
Ben Clark
Because the show is all black and you're not black.
Willy Clark
I did black in 1928 and when I did black, you understood the words, not like today.
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Woman in Lobby
Please sign in your guest, sir.
Willy Clark
He's not my guest, he's my nephew.
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Willy Clark
You know, they still got a sandwich here named after me. Look at this, a number five combination: tongue, hot pastrami, salami, cole slaw, Russian dressing. A Willy Clark special. That's a star.
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Willy Clark
Bring us two Sophie Tuckers and two cream sodas.
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Al Lewis
Listen, we're not going to stop for every little thing, are we? I don't know how many years I got left. I don't want to spend them rehearsing.
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Ben Clark
You mean he would just stand there and spit in your face?
Willy Clark
What do you think? He's stupid? He would work it into the act. He would stand with his nose under my nose and he would purposely say words that only began with a "T". *T*oosie roll. *T*inker toy. *T*yping on the *t*ypewriter.
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Willy Clark
I heard your blood didn't circulate.
Al Lewis
Not true. My blood circulates. I'm not saying everywhere, but it circulates.
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