The French Revolution Movie Quotes
Moses
The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses
Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
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Oedipus
[walking around collecting donations]
Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
Josephus
Hey, motherfucker!
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King Louis XVI
It's good to be the king.
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Comicus
Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus
How poor are they?
Comicus
Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus
But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
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Dole Office Clerk
Occupation?
Comicus
Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk
What?
Comicus
Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk
Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus
*Grumble*...
Dole Office Clerk
Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus
No.
Dole Office Clerk
Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Comicus
Yes!
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Empress Nympho
Bob?
Bob
Yes, Your Highness?
Empress Nympho
Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd
Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob
Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus
I got a great corkscrew!
Crowd
Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus
Damn, this a hip crowd!
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Count de Monet
Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise!
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Jacques
Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official
Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques
None!
Citizen Official
Have you any last request?
Jacques
None!
Citizen Official
Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques
*Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official
What is your last request?
Jacques
Novocaine!
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official
There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques
I'll wait!
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Leader of Senate
All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate
FUCK THE POOR!
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Marcus Vindictus
Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho
Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
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Madame DeFarge
We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist
She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
Fellow Revolutionist
Au-haw-haw.
Crowd
Au-haw-haw.
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Count de Monet
Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI
And you look like a bucket of shit!
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Empress Nympho
[to her litter bearers]
Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
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Jew #1
I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
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King Louis XVI
Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
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Count de Monet
It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI
You said it! They stink on ice!
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Marcus Vindictus
Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus
I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus
You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
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Jew #2
I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
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Swiftus
Oh, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts!
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[Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
Comicus
Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
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Chief Monk
Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it... you can't Torquemada anything!
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[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques
[searching the forms in Louis's desk]
Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
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Judas
No, No! Leave us alone!
Comicus
All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus
Yes?
Comicus
What?
Jesus
What?
Comicus
What?
Jesus
Yes?
Comicus
Jesus!
Jesus
Yes?
Comicus
What?
Jesus
What?
Comicus
You said what.
Jesus
Yes?
Comicus
Nothing.
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Stoned Soldier
Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier
What?
Stoned Soldier
The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier
[laughs]
Fuck it!
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Empress Nympho
Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
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Marcus Vindictus
[TV edit] ... There he is! Seize him!
Marcus Vindictus
[grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus
[confidentially] No! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus
Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus
Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
Marcus Vindictus
Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker
Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus
No. You?
2nd Onlooker
Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus
Wrong. You?
3rd Onlooker
They shove a living snake up your ass!
Marcus Vindictus
Ah, no. But that's very creative.
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Poppinjay
[muffled in to megaphone]
Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI
What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay
[turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone]
Pawn threatens bishop!
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Bearnaise
I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet
At least I have them!
Bearnaise
Bitch!
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Chief Monk
Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
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Jaques
Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus
Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!
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Chemist
What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus
A pack of Trojans!
Chemist
Gee, I just ran out!
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[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus
He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus
Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus
*He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus
Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus
He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus
Hmm.
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Torquemada
[singing]
I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
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Narrator
See: Hitler on Ice!
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Mademoiselle Rimbaud
Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI
You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud
Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI
Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud
No, I don't!
King Louis XVI
I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
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Bearnaise
Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
Count de Monet
Yes?
Bearnaise
You are pissing on my shoe.
Count de Monet
[grinning]
Sorry...
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Marcus Vindictus
Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
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Marcus Vindictus
[lifts sword]
Goodbye, head!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
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Josephus
Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*
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Dole Office Clerk
Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire
Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk
Did you kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire
No.
Dole Office Clerk
Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire
Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk
Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
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Auctioneer
What country are you from?
Josephus
Ethiopia.
Auctioneer
What part?
Josephus
125th Street!
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Marcus Vindictus
The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
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Miriam
Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus
Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam
Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.
Comicus
I'm really sorry to hear that!
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Captain Mucus
[stoned]
You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
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Narrator
And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.
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King Louis XVI
Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet
It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI
DON'T correct me!
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Jacques
[about to be executed in Louis's place] Please, please believe me, I'm not the king!
Crowd
BULLSHIT!
Jacques
This is a very hard crowd!
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Insolent Flunky
Count Da Money!
Count de Monet
De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
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Empress Nympho
[she looks him up and down]
8:30.
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Marcus Vindictus
Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero
What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus
Sheet?
Emperor Nero
SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus
Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus
Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero
Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
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Marcus Vindictus
[When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection]
The jig is up!
Josephus
And gone!
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Count de Monet
[to the piss boy]
Wait for the shake!
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Count de Monet
Where is the King?
Gerard
Playing chess.
Bearnaise
Chess! I hate chess!
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[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI
What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud
He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
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King Louis XVI
Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!
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[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus
Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus
[high-pitched voice]
Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus
Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus
Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
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[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman
[whispering in his ear]
Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus
[whispering]
Oh, blow it out your ass!
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Plumbing Salesman
Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!
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Emperor Nero
Here, wash this!
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Monsieur Rimbaud
[falls flat on face]
What fool put a carpet on the wall?
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Miriam
We've got to get out of Rome!
Josephus
But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]
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[hawking in the Forum]
Column Salesman
Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
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Entrepreneur - The Roman Empire
I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.
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Soothsayer - The Roman Empire
Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here. I can tell the future. You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas, I can tell you your future. Yes, yes, I see... I see... I see that you are going on a long journey. Yes. You, sir, are going to Rome.
Roman Citizen - The Roman Empire
But I am in Rome.
Soothsayer - The Roman Empire
Do I lie? Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!
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Dole Office Clerk
I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
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Comicus
I'm fighting with cardboard!
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Bob
Move that miserable piece of SHIT!
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Josephus
You're the first white person I even *considered* liking.
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Rat Vendor - The French Revolution
Rats! Rats for sale! Get your rats! Good for rat stew, rat soup, rat pies, or the ever-popular ratatouille.
Nothing Vendor - The French Revolution
Nothing! I have absolutely nothing for sale!
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