Kinoafisha Films Good Burger Good Burger Movie Quotes

Good Burger Movie Quotes

Ed Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?

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Kurt I want you to bail on Good Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.

Ed Who's Kurt?

Kurt I'm Kurt.

Ed I'm Ed.

Kurt I'm aware!

Ed You said you were Kurt.

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Dexter I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

Ed I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

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Customer [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.

Ed That's what I gave you.

Customer No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.

Ed But you said you wanted nothing on it.

Customer Yes, but I expected a meat patty!

Ed Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".

[to Fizz]

Ed Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

Fizz Uh, something?

Ed I win!

Customer That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!

Ed The manager already knows my name.

Customer [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!

[Leaves]

Ed OK! See you there!

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Dexter Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?

[Rips contract in half]

Ed You don't wanna be partners?

Dexter No, see...

Ed [Interrupts] Is it because I'm black?

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Ed I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.

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Dexter Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Ed Ever been to Australia?

Dexter No.

Ed Me neither.

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[Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed]

Ed I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

Dexter You thought all that?

Ed Yeah. I'm not stupid.

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Shaquille O'Neal Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes!

Ed Well, hang on...

[pulls a couple of tomato slices out of his pocket, and slaps them on Shaq's burger]

Ed There! Consider yourself tomatoed!

Shaquille O'Neal You're not like other people are you?

Ed Nope.

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Kurt From now on, your LIFE is Mondo Burger! You can forget about your friends; you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother AND your father.

Dexter [under his breath to a girl beside him] Kurt must look awfully strange naked.

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Dexter Ed, I don't know how to say this...

Ed Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

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Otis I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

Dexter Shark poison!

Ed Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

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Connie Muldoon [as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases] Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.

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Dexter Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

Ed Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

Kurt Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

Ed Okay.

[Tries and ends up spinning around and around]

Ed I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

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Heather Hi!

Ed Hi!

Heather I'm a psychopath.

Ed I'm Ed.

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Kurt Can I give you a lift, Ed?

Ed I don't know, I weigh about 150.

Kurt Just get in the car.

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Roxanne Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?

Ed I like to have dinner every night.

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Heather [very fast] Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?

Ed ...Not that I recall.

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Ed What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?

Dexter What?

Ed Did you lose your trousers?

[looks down at Dexter's legs]

Dexter No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...

Ed [after a long pause] Boy... you must really suck!

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Ed [Mr. Baily has asked Ed to do a delivery] But I don't do deliveries, sir.

Mr. Baily Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.

Ed Why?

Mr. Baily Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!

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Ed [reading a contract Dexter wants him to sign] I know some of these words.

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Ed Dexter's a chicken!

[pause flapping his arms]

Ed Mooooooo.

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Kurt You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder.

Dexter Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?

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Monique [eating a corn-dog] Mm, great corn-dog.

Ed I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?

Monique A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.

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Dexter I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

Ed Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

Dexter What? What are you talking about?

Ed Okay, I give up. Who am I?

Dexter I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

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Otis Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.

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Ed [with 2 grapes up his nose] Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter Stop that.

Ed Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter Would you stop?

Ed Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter That ain't funny!

[laughs]

Ed Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!

Dexter So... Oh, I give up.

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Dexter So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?

Monique I thought I'd go home.

Dexter Home? Why?

Monique Well... that's where my stuff is.

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Ed [to Kurt being taken to jail] Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...

Ed Ed, Dexter: *You* go in the grinder!

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Ed Huh! How do you like me now? I'm a dude throwing ice cream! Yeah! Here's vanilla! Take some chocolate! Yeah! Fudge!

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Kurt OK, Hot Pants! I want to know what's in your sauce!

Ed Dude, you need a tic-tac!

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Angry Customer Can I get two Good Burgers?

Ed Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back.

Angry Customer Just give me two Good Burgers!

Ed Dude, I can't just *give* you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em.

Angry Customer [shouts] All right, that's it! I've had it up to *here* with Good Burger!

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Ed And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

Otis I should've died years ago.

Dexter Tough break.

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[dressed as a woman]

Dexter Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?

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Deedee Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?

Ed Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

[Dexter tackles him to the ground]

Ed Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...

Dexter No! Listen to me carefully.

Ed Okay.

Dexter Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

Ed Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

Dexter *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.

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Ed This is where I come to think... I think.

Dexter Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

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Ed I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.

[hugs him]

Ed Goodbye my friend!

Dexter Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.

Ed [pulls back, nonchalant] Oh.

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[repeated line]

Ed Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

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Otis You think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass?

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Mr. Baily Ed! What are you doing inside the milkshake machine?

Ed Trying to fix it.

Mr. Baily Did you turn on the switch?

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Dexter Dexter, Ed: [as Kurt's taken away] Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail! Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail!

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Roxanne Now Ed, let's go someplace where we could be alone, and get to know each other a little better, now, doesn't that sound more fun then Miniature Golf?

Ed [thinks about it] Uh... nooooo!

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Dexter [Ed said something that offended Dexter] You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.

Ed Wanna see my belly button?

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Ed [on a double date, Dexter and Monique are going off alone] What am I supposed to do?

Roxanne [insulted] Hello?

Ed Hello! What am I supposed to do?

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Heather D'you think I'm cute?

Ed Sure.

Heather What's cute about me?

Ed Uh... your head.

Heather You have a cute head too!

Ed Well, I try to keep it nice.

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Mr. Wheat [after Dexter hits his car] Let me see your license.

Dexter Uh, yeah, regarding my license... I'd give it to you... but you're gonna have to wait.

Mr. Wheat For what?

Dexter Uh... about a year... that's when I get one. That's when they put it in my hand.

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Dexter There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?

Ed On my lap?

Dexter No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.

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Dexter [on the roof of Mondo Burger] How do you expect me to get up there?

Ed Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.

Dexter What is this, American Gladiators?

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Mr. Baily What was our take today?

Fizz 43 dollars and 9 cents.

Mr. Baily That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.

Dexter Now probably wouldn't be the best time to ask for a raise?

Mr. Baily No!

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Ed [after Roxanne falls] Uh, is your butt okay?

Roxanne It's fine, thank you.

Ed It's okay, people! HER BUTT... IS FINE!

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Dexter I never took you for much of a thinker.

Ed Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.

Dexter I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?

Ed I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?

Dexter Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.

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Ed And that's Deedee, she's a veterinarian.

Deedee Vegetarian.

Ed That means she doesn't eat fur.

Deedee I won't wear fur, I don't eat meat.

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Mr. Wheat I'm worried about you.

Dexter I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.

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Dexter Okay let's see, $5 an hour, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, I should be able to pay off the car in... oh, another lifetime!

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Ed You wanna see my secret place?

Dexter That's not what I had in mind.

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Ed Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo.

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Mr. Wheat I hate to do this, I hate to put a black man in jail.

Dexter Black man in jail? I'm just a kid!

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Roxanne Do you know what would be great on this corn dog?

Ed A turtleneck?

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Ed You got it!

Dexter Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

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Ed [to a hungry dog] Here, have a Mondo burger...

[dog barks at the burger]

Ed What's wrong?

Dexter I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.

Ed [to the dog] Here, try a Good Burger.

[dog eats the burger]

Ed You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!

Dexter [about the dog and the Mondo burger] He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.

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Kurt's assistant If you ask me, the guy's a few tacos short of a combination plate.

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Ice Cream Man Hey, what are you doing?

Otis Stealing your truck.

Dexter Yeah, we'll bring it back.

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Dexter [while he is being grabbed by Demeted Hills workers] You think you strong? You'll never be half the man your mamma was.

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Otis [after tasting the special sauce] It makes me glad I'm not dead!

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Ed [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger] What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?

Dexter I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.

Ed We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.

Dexter No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.

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Ed I've always wanted to shave a martian.

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Griffen Bun! Patty! Toppings! Sauce! ASSEMBLE!

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Ed Hey! Wanna see my belly button?

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Kurt Unbelievable. Two days ago, we had Good Burger CRUSHED. Now look at them.

Troy I think it's the sauce, boss.

Kurt [headbutts Troy] DUH! I know that!

[to Griffin]

Kurt You think Kurt's stupid?

[Griffin shrugs before quickly shaking his head]

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Kurt Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo!

Dexter Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?

Kurt Uh-oh. DON'T CARE... ladies!

[Troy and Griffin rip off Ed and Dexter's old lady disguises and laugh when they see that Ed is wearing a corset underneath his]

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Mr. Wheat Oh, no! Ahhh! Oh, look at my box. Oh, look what you did.

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Ed Look I'm grape nose boy.

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Ed It's because I'm black?

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Ed Your head hit my golf ball. Then you went sleepy-bye.

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Otis What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?

Troy Shut up, old man!

Kurt Don't be rude to the elderly. The old man asked us a question. Now, it's called shark poison, and it's gonna make all your little Good Burger customers very, very sick.

Troy So sick that I doubt any of them will ever want to eat here again.

Otis I'm calling the cops!

Kurt You're not calling anyone.

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[Roxanne shows up to Mondo Burger with crutches and multiple injuries]

Roxanne I quit!

[an unstable Roxanne falls on the ground]

Griffen I'm guessing she didn't get the sauce recipe.

Kurt Bozwell [Disgusted] I'm aware!

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Kurt Yeah! Is everybody liking my party?

[crowd cheers]

Kurt And now... I'm psyched to present to you people... Mondo BURGER!

[Mondo Burger sign lights up, causing a fuse to blow in Good Burger]

Kurt And now people, welcome to Mondo Burger!

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Otis [in Demented Hills] Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

Dexter They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

Otis Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

Dexter SHARK POISON?

Ed Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

Dexter Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

Otis Can you get to a phone?

Dexter There's no chance! What time is it?

Ed Oh, I'll tell you.

[stares at his wrist]

Otis It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

Dexter That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

Otis But how are we gonna get out of here?

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Dexter [busted at Mondo Burger disguised as two women, get their disguises ripped off and Dexter's wearing a T-shirt and boxers, Ed's wearing a teddy, Kurt's henchmen laugh] Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!

Kurt That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.

Dexter What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?

Kurt No, I'LL shut them for you.

Dexter Ed, run!

[Ed runs straight into a wall]

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Dexter Ed, what happened?

Ed I just tackled this old lady.

Dexter Alright! You're the man!

[they whoop and cheer]

Mr. Baily EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?

Dexter This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.

Mr. Baily How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?

Dexter We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.

Ed What for?

Dexter Evidence!

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Mr. Wheat Ah, Mr. Reed. Hard at work as usual.

Dexter I'm having my lunch.

Mr. Wheat Well, I just got my car from the body shop and I've got to admit: It is new. Here's the receipt.

[gives Dexter the receipt]

Dexter $2500? No. The estimate was only for $1900.

Mr. Wheat Well, that's my young brother is why they call it an estimate. Close to, kind of, could be.

[chuckles]

Mr. Wheat And I'll meet you in about 2 and a half monthy to get me my money. Now you have a good day at work. I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger. Home of the big booty burger.

[leaves]

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Ed This is Otis, the fry cook!

Otis I should have died years ago.

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Kurt Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.

[Siren wails]

Kurt I don't understand. I don't know what happened.

Dexter Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.

Police Officer Perkins Is that true?

Kurt No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!

Police Officer Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.

Police Officer Perkins I think you better come with us.

Kurt Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?

Police Officer Perkins Yeah, I know, I know.

[the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car]

Dexter Bye-bye.

Ed Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...

Dexter Dexter, Ed: you go in the grinder!

[Ed laughing]

Dexter Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.

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[Dexter and Mr. Wheat's cars collide]

Mr. Wheat My afro! My afro!

Dexter WHY?

Mr. Wheat Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.

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Ed [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date] ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...

Dexter [interrupting] Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.

Ed Oh.

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Ed Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Roxanne [seductively] No, thanks. I just came here to see you, Ed. I'm Roxanne.

Ed Ohhhh.

[pause]

Ed Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

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Mr. Wheat [after the giant burger statue from Mondo Burger crushes his car] Why? Why? What have I done?

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Ed [Sits with Dexter during lunch] Mind if I sit here?

Dexter Reed Yes, I do mind.

Ed Thanks.

Dexter Reed Wh-wh-what are you doing?

Ed Eating my lunch.

Dexter Reed I told you not to sit here. I don't like you. Can you get that through your head?

Ed I can try.

[Pokes his head with his fries]

Ed Nope.

Dexter Reed I'm gonna have to spell this out to you. I don't want to sit by you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to smell you. I don't want hang out with you, I don't even want to use words with the letter U.

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Elderly Lady I'll have a good burger with extra sauce.

Elderly Lady Oh, that sounds delightful! I'll have the same thing!

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