King Ralph 1991 - Movie Quotes

Phipps Sir Cedric! Sir Cedric! Good news. We've finally found an heir!

Sir Cedric Willingham That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is he?

Phipps His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.

Sir Cedric Willingham Is he everything we've hoped for?

Phipps [embarrassed] Well. He has his strengths and his weaknesses. You see, he's

[uncomfortable pause]

Phipps American.

Sir Cedric Willingham Quickly, Duncan! The strengths!

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Ralph Jones There's no problem that can't be ignored if we really put our minds to it.

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Sir Cedric Willingham How's it going, Your Majesty?

Ralph Jones Great. We've got nothing in common and she's got a voice like a tuba. If she had her way, we'd have sex on a bed of nails on national television. But at least the party stinks.

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Sir Cedric Willingham It's I who should be thanking you. You showed me how to be a king.

Ralph Jones Me? I was a lousy king.

Sir Cedric Willingham On the contrary. You are a good and decent man, and you've acted honorably. I shall try to follow your example.

Ralph Jones Thank you, Ced.

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Sir Cedric Willingham Your majesty, may I present the Sovereign King Mulamboa of Zambezi.

Ralph Jones [seeing that the king is black, using a Eubonics dialect] Hey, homes! Whas happenin'! Gimme quintet, brother!

King Mulamboa I do not comprehend, Your Majesty!

Ralph Jones Uh, welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...

[uncomfortable silence]

Ralph Jones Uh, do you wanna go get a beer?

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Hale [Ralph has referred to Princess Anna as a 'fox'] I'm glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting.

King Gustav Fox hunting? You like fox hunting, yes.

Ralph Jones Well, I don't get out much lately. But I used to go out almost every evening. One club or another.

King Gustav Really? That often? You must have collected several tails.

Ralph Jones [shocked] Well, I admit I slept with a few. But I'm not like that anymore. Nowadays you can't be too careful. You don't know who they've been with.

King Gustav No, I suppose not.

Ralph Jones Yeah, once I got a steady girl, that put an end to it.

King Gustav She did not like fox hunting?

Ralph Jones Of course not! Anna's not into it, is she?

King Gustav Oh, yes! She loves it! Most royals do.

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[reciting some rules of etiquette to Ralph on videotape]

Phipps When in public, a royal personage must refrain from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his p... p... p... p... private parts and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.

Ralph Jones What the hell! That's everything!

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Phipps [after Ralph's odd meeting with King Mulamboa] I think he did pretty well, considering. It could have been much worse!

Sir Cedric Willingham Yes, he could have exposed himself, I suppose...

Phipps [phone rings, he picks it up] Yes?

[to Cedric]

Phipps The Prime Minister for you, sir.

Sir Cedric Willingham [picks up other phone] Good afternoon, Prime Minister. Yes... Oh really? Well it's a strange world we live in, sir. Yes, thank you. Good bye.

[hangs up, to Phipps]

Sir Cedric Willingham The Prime Minister just spoke to King Mulamboa. The King said he couldn't remember when he'd had so much *fun*...

Phipps [jumps up, overjoyed]

Sir Cedric Willingham [almost hugs Phipps, then stops] Um, sherry?

Phipps Yes, please...

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[Cedric is leading Ralph through a portrait gallery]

Sir Cedric Willingham That's George III. You may remember him. He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

Ralph Jones Sounds like sour grapes to me, Ced. After all, we did kick your ass.

Sir Cedric Willingham The loss is entirely yours, or rather *theirs*, try to remember you're an Englishman now.

Ralph Jones Okay, but I still think they kicked *our* ass.

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[Ralph is enjoying himself in the royal bathtub, with the crown on his head]

Ralph Jones Well, Jones, you really fell upstairs this time. Too bad it's only gonna last the rest of your life.

[Ralph rings the bell. Gordon walks in]

Gordon You called, Your Majesty?

Ralph Jones Which one are you again?

Gordon Gordon, Your Majesty's page.

Ralph Jones Yeah, Gordon. I was just wondering if you could bring me something. Anything.

Gordon Anything, Your Majesty?

Ralph Jones I've never had anybody bring me something before. I just wanna try it out.

Gordon Certainly. Perhaps an assortment of fine chocolates?

Ralph Jones Got any Milk Duds?

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Ralph Jones Do you feel that being the king of a major nation is tougher than you thought?

King Mulamboa Yes, it is difficult sometimes, what with the ceremonial duties and official obligations. But I'm quite pleased with the economic progress my country has made. We are hoping to be the first in Africa to market an automobile!

Ralph Jones Oh really? I might be in the market myself soon. The Rolls just doesn't have that much "poop". This car gonna have fuel injection?

King Mulamboa Oh yes, everything. Five-speed transmission, rack-and-pin steering...

Ralph Jones Reclining buckets? Rear spoiler?

King Mulamboa No, but it will get excellent gas mileage.

Ralph Jones Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind - the first question every car buyer asks themselves is 'Will this car get me laid?'

Sir Cedric Willingham [whispers to Phipps] Beautifully stated...

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Lord Percival Graves [after Ralph accuses Graves of undermining him] This is an OUTRAGE! A VILE piece of slander! I demand to know the source of these allegations!

Ralph Jones We have the signed confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked with Lord Graves.

Lord Percival Graves I know NO SUCH MAN!

Ralph Jones And several cheques made out to the photographers who took the pictures, signed by Lord Graves. Whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.

Lord Percival Graves So! I saw them at the ball!

Ralph Jones And Scotland Yard found the negatives at his house this morning.

Lord Percival Graves [realizes he's been caught] By what right can you order my arrest!

Ralph Jones By the Treason Act of 1702 forbidding interference in the proper succesion of a monarch. Enacted by...

[pause, as he recites the Order of the Kings poem to himself]

Ralph Jones William III!

various Members of Parliament [staggered throughout Parliament as Lord Graves is escorted out by Scotland Yard] SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

Dysentery [watching on TV] That's right! String him up! Wanker!

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Sir Cedric Willingham It is far easier to whisper advice from cover than to risk its merit at the point of attack.

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Ralph Jones Damn, I knew I was getting hosed over here.

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Sir Cedric Willingham These are a few of our traditional English dishes, some of which will be served tonight. Here, we have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, bangers and mash, and the ever-popular spotted dick.

Ralph Jones Spotted dick?

[Ralph looks at the plate of sausages]

Ralph Jones Dick of what?

Sir Cedric Willingham These are the bangers. Sausages.

[Cedric presents a plate of fruit pudding]

Sir Cedric Willingham The spotted dick is a dessert.

Ralph Jones Could I just have some ice cream?

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Sir Cedric Willingham Quite an eventful first day, Your Majesty. I'll leave you to rest now. This is Your Majesty's bedroom.

[Ralph and Cedric enter the royal bedroom]

Ralph Jones [gives butler a tip] There you go, chief.

[Ralph looks at the bedroom's decorations]

Sir Cedric Willingham Unfortunately, you do have the option to redecorate your private quarters as you see fit.

Ralph Jones Good. I got a few ideas.

Sir Cedric Willingham We'll put the velours industry on stand-by. Through those doors is your dining room, and across the way, the bath. Through here is your study, and there is your dressing room. Anything we've left out?

Ralph Jones I don't know. How about a bowling alley?

Sir Cedric Willingham One other thing. At your coronation four months hence, you will be required to wear the imperial state crown. It's usually kept in the Tower of London, but we took the liberty of placing it near your bed as a reminder of the eminence of your office. It contains the Star of India, the second largest diamond in the world. You should practice wearing it to get used to the weight. Good evening, Your Majesty.

Ralph Jones Thanks.

[Cedric proceeds to exit the bedroom]

Ralph Jones Hey Ced.

Sir Cedric Willingham Yes?

Ralph Jones What exactly is it that a king does all day?

Sir Cedric Willingham Scarcely a minute is unaccounted for. Nevertheless, what you do is not as important as what you are.

Ralph Jones What am I?

Sir Cedric Willingham To be the King of England is a responsibility like no other on Earth. You must become a symbol of all that is best about England. An embodiment of our history, our culture, our morality, our pride of achievement. In short, our ideal of civilization. You must, in the harsh light of public scrutiny, exhibit all of our virtues and none of our shortcomings.

Ralph Jones Wait a minute. I thought all I was supposed to do was get dressed up and wave. I don't even know what our virtues are.

Sir Cedric Willingham You will learn soon enough. I'm afraid it's a god's burden to bear. Unfortunately, it must be borne by a man. Good evening, Your Majesty.

[Cedric grabs the dollar bill from the butler before exiting the room]

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[a group of punks are watching the Royal funeral procession on tv. The lead punk notices his girlfriend is crying]

Dysentery Since when do we give a toss about this kind of bullshit?

Punk Girl Shut up, Dysentery! Where's your sense of national flipping pride?

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Sir Cedric Willingham We'll put the velour industry on full standby.

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Sir Cedric Willingham You might be thinking what name you'd like to use as king.

[Ralph whistles]

Sir Cedric Willingham 'Edward' and 'George' have been popular this century.

Ralph Jones What's wrong with 'Ralph'?

Sir Cedric Willingham It lacks a certain... majesty. I can't really think of any notable Ralphs.

Ralph Jones Well, sure... Ralph Macchio. Ralph Lauren. Ralph Kramden.

[Ralph and Cedric enter a hallway with paintings]

Ralph Jones Oh, this is extremely nice. Better than I'm used to.

Sir Cedric Willingham This is the picture gallery. Many of the people in these paintings are your relatives. That's the Duke of Warren, your unfortunate grandfather. You have his chin.

[They look at the painting of the Duke of Warren while Ralph holds his chin]

Sir Cedric Willingham That's George III. You may remember him. He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

Ralph Jones Hah. Sounds like sour grapes to me, Ced. After all, we did kick your ass.

Sir Cedric Willingham The loss is entirely yours, or rather, theirs. Try to remember you're an Englishman now.

Ralph Jones Okay, but I still think they kicked our ass.

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Sir Cedric Willingham It's not enough simply to be the king. You must look and act like one.

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Ralph Jones How long do you think you're gonna be needing me? I've never held a job for more than six months.

Phipps Well, you see, a king is a king for life.

Ralph Jones Good, 'cause my schedule's wide open.

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[Ralph is being measured for a suit]

Sir Cedric Willingham Just a few quick questions to probe your knowledge of English history...

Ralph Jones Fine.

Sir Cedric Willingham When she failed to give him a son, Henry VIII had Anne Boleyn - ?

Ralph Jones Look into adoption?

Sir Cedric Willingham Beheaded.

Ralph Jones Jeez, this is a tough country.

[a tailor approaches with a bolt of fine black material]

Tailor Would this be to your liking, Your Majesty?

Ralph Jones You know, I kind of like that.

[points at a bolt of pale blue and beige striped material inlaid with an elaborate pattern]

Tailor That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.

Sir Cedric Willingham The English people don't generally like their monarch to look like a sofa.

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King Ralph Movie Quotes