Withnail and I 1987 - Movie Quotes

Withnail We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

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Withnail Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!

Marwood No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.

Withnail This *is* the morning. Stand aside!

Marwood [holding him back] You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.

Withnail What do you mean? A rat?

Marwood It's possible, it's possible.

Withnail Then the fucker will rue the day!

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[last lines]

Withnail [holding umbrella in rain] I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. And indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition, that this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile promontory... This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors! What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a *god*!

[extends arm with umbrella straight up to sky]

Withnail The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of *dust*? Man delights not me... no, nor women neither... Nor women neither.

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Withnail Are you the farmer?

Marwood Shut up, I'll deal with this.

Withnail We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?

Marwood Stop saying that, Withnail! Of course he's the fucking farmer!

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Withnail I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!

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Danny I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

Withnail What *absolute* twaddle.

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Withnail [seeing a road sign reading "ACCIDENT BLACK SPOT. DRIVE WITH EXTREME CARE"] Look at that, accident black spot! These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness!

[shouts out of the car window at a man standing on the pavement]

Withnail Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!

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Withnail Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't.

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Danny The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.

Marwood It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.

Danny It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.

Withnail Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?

Danny I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

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Withnail I feel like a pig shat in my head.

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Withnail [approaching the pub] All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.

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[Withnail and Marwood are lying in bed together, listening to a man coming inside the cottage. Withnail is cowering under the covers]

Withnail [whispering] He's going into your room. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself.

[the bedroom door slowly opens and the intruder enters with a torch]

Withnail [screwing his eyes shut in terror, moaning] We mean no harm!

Monty Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me.

Marwood [relieved] Monty! Monty, Monty!

Withnail *Monty, you terrible cunt*!

Monty Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed.

Withnail *What are you doing prowling around in the middle of the fucking night*?

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Marwood What about whatshisname?

Withnail What about him?

Marwood Why don't you give him a call?

Withnail What for?

Marwood Ask him about his house.

Withnail You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house?

Marwood Why not?

Withnail All right. What's his number?

Marwood I've no idea. I've never met him.

Withnail Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?

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Danny Don't get uptight with me, man. Cos if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

Withnail You wouldn't spike me, you're too mean. Beside there's nothing invented I couldn't take.

Danny If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Withnail I could take double anything you could.

Danny [removing his sunglasses] Very, very foolish words, man.

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Marwood There's a man over there that doesn't like the perfume, the big one. Don't look, don't look! We're in danger, we've got to get out.

Withnail What are you talking about?

Marwood I've been called a ponce.

Withnail [cockily] What fucker said that?

[the man who called Marwood a ponce gets up and walks over to them. He is even taller than Withnail and much more burly. Withnail freezes in terror with a mouthful of pie]

Irishman I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one. Ponce!

Withnail [smiling] Would you like a drink?

Irishman [ripping Withnail's tartan scarf off his neck] What's your name, MacFuck?

Withnail I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.

Irishman I'll murder the pair of yers!

Withnail [eyes filling with tears] My wife is having a baby. Listen, I don't know what my f... acquaintance did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. I suggest you both go outside and discuss it sensibly, in the street.

[Withnail suddenly runs out of the pub, so does Marwood]

Withnail *Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhh*!

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Monty Do you like vegetables? I've always been fond of root crops but I only started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. Do you grow?

Withnail Geraniums.

Monty Oh, you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh so very special about a firm, young carrot.

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[Withnail picks up a bottle of lighter fluid]

Marwood I wouldn't drink that if I was you.

Withnail Why not? Why not?

Marwood Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that! That's worse than meths!

Withnail Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

[he pours the lighter fluid down his throat. He gags and gasps]

Withnail Have we got any more?

[Marwood shakes his head]

Withnail Liar. What's in your toolbox?

Marwood No, we have nothing. Sit down.

Withnail Liar. You've got antifreeze.

Marwood You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks!

[Withnail laughs hysterically and falls to the floor, then vomits on Marwood's feet]

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[Marwood is in the pub toilets, after walking past a hulking Irishman who's called him a ponce]

Marwood [voiceover] I could hardly piss straight with fear. Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree.

Marwood [reading graffiti] "I fuck arses." Who fucks arses?

Marwood [aloud] Maybe *he* fucks arses!

Marwood [voiceover] Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity.

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Withnail You're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.

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Marwood [narrating over scene] Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day... And for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right... We are indeed, drifting into the arena of the unwell... making an enemy of our own future... What we need is harmony, fresh air, stuff like that.

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[They drunkenly barge into some tearooms]

Withnail [pointing at a table] All right here?

Waitress What do you want?

Withnail Cake. All right here?

Waitress No, we're closing in a minute.

Withnail We're leaving in a minute.

[he sits down and picks up a menu]

Withnail We want cake and tea.

Tea Shop Proprietor Didn't you hear? She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?

Withnail Cake. What's it got to do with you?

Tea Shop Proprietor I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave?

Withnail Ah! I'm glad you're the proprietor, I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway. We're working on a film up here. Locations, see. We might wanna do a film in here.

Tea Shop Proprietor You're drunk.

Marwood Just bring out the cakes.

Withnail Cake and fine wine.

Waitress If you don't leave, we'll call the police.

Withnail Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

Tea Shop Proprietor Miss Blennerhassett, telephone the police.

Marwood [with his mouth full] All right, Miss Blennerhassett, I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multimillionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.

Withnail Yes, we'll buy this place and we'll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit!

Tea Shop Proprietor The police, Miss Blennerhassett. Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith tearooms and we want them removed.

Marwood We are not drunks, we are multimillionaires!

Tea Shop Proprietor Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here til they arrive.

Withnail You won't keep us anywhere. We'll buy this place and have it knocked down!

[Monty's Rolls-Royce pulls up outside the window]

Marwood [pulling back the lace curtain] 'S alright, 's alright, s'alright... We're going, our car has arrived!

Withnail [staggering out] We'll be back. We're coming back in here.

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Marwood [to Withnail] I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you.

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Withnail This place is uninhabitable.

Marwood Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.

Withnail Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring.

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Withnail [is being arrested for drunk driving] Look here, my cousin's a QC!

Policeman 2 [high-pitched voice] *Get-in-the-back-of-the-van*!

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Withnail [looking at a newspaper] Oh, look at this little bastard. "Boy lands plum role for top Italian director" Course he does! Probably on a tenner a day, and I know what for! 2 pound 10 a tit and a fiver for his arse!

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Danny I see you're wearing a suit.

Withnail What's it got to do with you?

Danny No need to get uptight, man. I was merely making an observation. I happened to be looking for a suit for the Coalman two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you. The Coalman had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow. Had a weight under his fez. We worked out it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the Coalman. Goes into court in his kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan, they can't handle the bell. So, there's this judge sitting there in a cape like fucking Batman with this really rather far-out looking hat.

Withnail Wig.

Danny No, man, this was more like a long white hat. So, he looks at the Coalman and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress." And the Coalman looks at him and says "You think *you* look normal, your honour?" Cunt gave him two years.

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Marwood [narrating over scene] Speed, is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane... Time change. You lose, you gain... Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you got to get out, because it's crashing. And all at once those frozen hours, melt through the nervous system, and seep out the pores.

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Marwood If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.

Withnail If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.

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Withnail [Withnail sees Marwood eating some brownish fluid out of a bowl with a spoon] You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?

Marwood Coffee.

Withnail Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?

Marwood Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail How dare you. How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane!

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Withnail [looking at the kitchen sink overflowing with dirty dishes] Oh, Christ almighty. Sinew in nicotine base. Keep back, keep back! The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.

[he picks up the kettle on the stove. It's too hot so he drops it]

Withnail Aargh! Aargh!

Marwood I told you, you've been bitten!

Withnail Burnt! Burnt! The fucking kettle's on fire!

Marwood There's something floating up.

Withnail [lunges towards the sink] *Fork it*!

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Monty I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.

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Barman Time, gents, please.

Withnail [to Marwood] Alright, we're going to have to work quickly.

[to Barman]

Withnail A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.

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Withnail Monty used to act.

Monty Well, I'd hardly say that. It's true, I crept the boards in my youth. But I never really had it in my blood, and that's what's so essential, isn't it, theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas I have little more than vintage wine and memories. It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself "I will never play the Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. Don't you agree?

Withnail It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.

Monty And you'd be marvellous. "It's gone. We do it wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence..."

[as Monty continues to recite the line from Hamlet, Marwood gets up and whispers in Withnail's ear]

Marwood Please, let's go. He's a madman. Any minute now he's going to rush out and get into his tights.

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Danny My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.

Withnail Shits itself?

Danny He's an expert. He's building the prototype now.

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[They drive past some schoolgirls]

Withnail [leaning out the car window] *Scrubbers*!

Schoolgirl Up yours, grandad!

Withnail *Scrubbers*! *Scrubbers*!

Marwood Shut up.

Withnail Little tarts, they love it.

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Marwood Parkin's been. There's the supper.

[a live chicken is standing on the table]

Withnail What are we supposed to do with that?

Marwood Eat it.

Withnail Eat it? Fucker's alive.

Marwood Yeah, I know that, you've got to kill it.

Withnail Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.

Marwood Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in.

[they get up and approach it]

Marwood It takes away your appetite just looking at it.

Withnail No it doesn't. I'm starving. How can we make it die?

Marwood You got to throttle him. Listen, I think you should strangle it instantly in case it starts trying to make friends with us.

Withnail All right, get hold of it. You hold it down, I'll strangle it.

Marwood I can't. It's those dreadful beady eyes, they stare you out.

Withnail It's a bloody chicken! Just think of it with bacon across its back.

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[after coming out of a field, Withnail hasn't closed the gate properly, and a bull walks through it. Withnail hands Marwood the bag of shopping and jumps over the wall to safety. Marwood stands there, petrified]

Withnail [calmly] Grab its ring. Keep your bag up. Outvie him.

Isaac Parkin Hey, show no fear! Just run at it!

Marwood Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!

Isaac Parkin Well, it's randy!

Marwood Yes, yeah, I know he is!

Withnail [casually lighting a cigarette] He wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.

Marwood Shut up, Withnail!

[the bull is scraping the ground with its front hoof, snorting]

Isaac Parkin Run at it, shouting!

Withnail Do as he says. Start shouting. He won't gore you.

Marwood A coward you are, Withnail, an expert on bulls you are not! *Aaaaarggghhhh*!

[he throws the shopping the air and it scatters in the mud. Screaming like a madman he moves towards the bull, which turns around and runs back through the gate. He slams it shut and slumps against it, shaken]

Isaac Parkin Shut that gate and keep it shut!

Withnail [cheerfully hopping back over the wall] I think an evening at The Crow.

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Withnail This is ridiculous. Look at me, I'm 30 in a month and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe.

Marwood It'll get better, it has to.

Withnail Easy for you to say, luvvie, you've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?

Marwood Well, I don't know. It'll happen.

Withnail Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news.

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Withnail [reading a newspaper] Listen to this. "Curse of the Superman. I took drugs to win medals says top athlete Geoff Woade."

Marwood Where's the coffee?

Withnail "In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. It used to give him bad tempers and act up said his wife. He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped he's much better in our sex life and in our general life." Jesus Christ. This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him! Look at Geoff Woade! His head must weight fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker!

Marwood Please, I don't feel good.

Withnail That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No! He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm gonna pull you head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head."

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Danny I recommend you smoke some more grass.

Marwood No way, no fucking way.

Danny That is an unfortunate political decision. Reflecting these times.

Withnail What are you talking about, Danny?

Danny Politics, man. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision. Let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworths, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black.

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Withnail What is it? What have you found?

Marwood [pulling some goo out of the sink] Matter.

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Monty The older order changeth, yielding place to new. God fulfils himself in many ways. And soon, I suppose, I shall be swept away by some vulgar little tumour. Oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in. Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour. And here we are, we three, perhaps the last island of beauty in the world.

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Monty [shouting at his cat] You beastly little parasite, how dare you! You little thug! How dare you! Beastly, ungrateful little swine!

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Withnail I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual.

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Marwood [after trying the Camberwell Carrot] Give me a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing, I've gotta unfuck my brain!

Danny Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It'll pass. Be seated.

Marwood Aren't you getting absurdly high?

Danny Precisely the reason I'm smoking it.

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Withnail I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum!

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Withnail [spits onto the ground] Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill.

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Danny Has he just been busted?

Marwood No.

Danny Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawkes of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!

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[Jake has left a dead hare hanging on the cottage door, along with a note]

Monty [reading the note] "Here. Hare. Here."

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Marwood Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact-finding groups. I'll deal with the water and other plumbings, you can check the fuel and wood situation.

[a few minutes later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a wet stick]

Marwood What's that?

Withnail The fuel and wood situation. There's nothing out there except a hurricane.

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Withnail [on top of a hill, shouting into a valley, his voice echoing] *Bastards*! *You'll all suffer*! *I'll show the lot of you*! I'm gonna be a star*!

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Withnail [telephoning his agent] Listen, I pay you 10 percent to do that. Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? How *dare* you!

[slams the phone down]

Withnail Fuck you!

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Withnail I've some extremely distressing news.

Marwood I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.

Withnail We've just run out of wine. What are we going to do about it?

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Danny Where exactly have you two been?

Marwood Holiday in the countryside.

Danny That's a very good idea. London is a country coming down from its trip. We are 91 days from the end of this decade and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.

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Monty You shouldn't treat each other so badly. This boy's been out there frozen to the marrow and you just sit in here drinking. Now, come along, he's going to revitalise himself and you're going to finish the vegetables.

Withnail I don't know how to do them.

Monty Well, of course you don't, you are incapable of indulging in anything but pleasure, am I not right? You don't deserve such loyalty. Now, come along, I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato.

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Withnail I've got a bastard behind the eyes.

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Marwood [wakes up in the back seat of the car, which is moving along the motorway] What's going on?

Withnail I'm making time.

[he swerves dangerously through the motorway traffic]

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[Withnail's lonely, aging homosexual uncle Monty has gone home, leaving a note humbly apologising for the desperate sexual advances he made on Marwood the night before]

Marwood Poor old bastard.

Withnail I would say. Now that represents a degree of hypocrisy I've hitherto suspected in you, but have not noticed due to highly evasive skills.

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Monty I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.

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Marwood How come Monty owns such a horrible little shack?

Withnail No idea.

Marwood You never discuss your family do you?

Withnail I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.

Marwood Why?

Withnail I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.

Marwood Then they must be delighted with your career.

Withnail What do you mean?

Marwood You rarely are.

Withnail [points a fencing sword at Marwood face] You just wait. Just you wait! When I strike they won't know what hit them!

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Monty It's all your fault. You lead him astray.

Marwood I beg your pardon, Monty?

Monty Oh, don't tell me you're not aware of it, I know what you're up to and so do you.

Withnail [offering Monty a glass] Sherry?

Monty Sherry? Oh dear, no, no, no, I'd be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on guard. He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning.

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Marwood How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader!

Withnail Tactical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd never have got the cottage.

Marwood I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it!

Withnail I never thought he'd come all this way.

Marwood Monty, he'd go to New York!

Withnail Calculated risk.

Marwood What is all this tactical necessity and calculated risk? This is me naked in a corner!

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Withnail At some point or another I want to stop and get hold of a child.

Marwood What do you want a child for?

Withnail To tutor it in the ways of righteousness, and procure some uncontaminated urine.

[holding up a Fairy Liquid bottle with a strap and a tube]

Withnail This is a device enabling the drunken driver to operate in absolute safety. You fill this with piss, take this pipe down the trouser and sellotape this valve to the end of the old chap. Then you get horribly drunk and they can't fucking touch you. According to these instructions, you refuse everything but a urine sample. You undo your valve and give them a dose of unadulterated child's piss and they have to give you your keys back. Danny's a genius.

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Withnail [overtaking a car on the motorway] Here comes another fucker!

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Marwood My thumbs have gone weird!

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Monty Laisse-moi, respirer, longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux. Oh, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford. Oh, Oxford...

Marwood [voiceover] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

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Withnail [fondling the money Monty has given them to buy Wellingtons] I think a drink, don't you?

Marwood What about the Wellingtons?

Withnail Oh, bollocks to the Wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers' conference and had a run on them.

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Monty I'm preparing myself to forgive you.

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Monty Indeed, I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. This dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charing Cross road and never a job at the top of them.

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Monty Come on lads, let's get home. The sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp.

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Jake I might come and see you lads in the week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.

Withnail We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant.

Jake Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants, ain't got no birds. No more than you have.

Withnail Course you have, you're the poacher.

Jake [pointing an eel at him] If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you.

Withnail Don't threaten me with a dead fish!

Jake Half dead he may be, but I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live one.

Withnail Sod your pheasants! You'll have to find us first.

Jake I know where you are, you're at Crow Crag. I've been watching you, especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on, boy.

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[Monty's cat jumps onto the sofa]

Monty Get that damned little swine out of here!

[he lunges at it and it runs off]

Monty It's trying to get itself in with you, it's trying for even more advantage! It's obsessed with its gut, it's like a bloody rugby ball now! It will die, it will die!

Withnail Monty, Monty...

Monty No, no, no, dear boy, you must leave, you must leave. Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day!

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[Marwood comes out of the bathroom wearing a towel]

Danny You're looking very beautiful, man. Have you been away? Saint Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that.

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Irishman [as Marwood walks past him] Ponce!

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Withnail I will say one thing for Monty, he keeps a sensational cellar.

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Marwood Don't vent spleen on me, I'm in the same boat!

Withnail Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this fucking bath!

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Monty Are you a sponge or a stone?

Marwood What do you mean?

Monty Do you like to experience all facets of life? Or do you shut yourself off from new experience?

Marwood I voted Conservative.

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Marwood We're leaving in half an hour.

Withnail Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

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Monty [picking up an apron] I brought two of these in case either of you is any good in the kitchen.

Marwood I'm not.

Monty Oh, of course you are. Cooking's one of the natural instincts.

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Withnail [during dinner] Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon. Must be 20,000 sheep up there on those volcanoes, we've got a plate full of carrots.

Marwood There's black puddings in it.

Withnail Black puddings are no good to us.

[he stands up]

Withnail I want something's flesh!

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Withnail Jesus. You're covered in shit.

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Withnail Listen, I know what you're thinking but I had no alternative. The old bugger's come a long way and I didn't want to put the wind up him.

Marwood Your sensitivity overwhelms me. If you think you're going to have a weekend's indulgence up here at his expense, which means him having a weekend's indulgence up here at my expense, you got another thing coming.

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Marwood What happened to your cigar commercial?

Withnail That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

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Withnail There must and shall be aspirin!

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[repeated line]

Withnail How dare you. How *dare* you!

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[Danny is charging £2 for a pill]

Withnail You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

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[Marwood knocks on the door of a farmhouse. An old woman with a clunky hearing aid pinned to her apron opens the door]

Mrs. Parkin What do you want?

Marwood I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things.

[the woman just squints at him]

Marwood What about wood and coal?

[she still doesn't answer. He leans up close to her, speaking into to her hearing aid]

Marwood I'm not from London, you know.

Mrs. Parkin I don't care where you come from!

[she slams the door in his face]

Marwood [voiceover] Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H.E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back, drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city-dwellers.

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[Mr Parkin is sitting on his tractor with one leg wrapped from thigh to ankle in a plastic fertiliser bag. He winces as he stretches his leg]

Marwood What happened to your leg?

Isaac Parkin Got a randy bull up there. Gi' me one in t' knee.

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Marwood [voiceover] If The Crow and Crown ever had life it was dead now. It was like walking into a lung. A self-sustained nicotine-yellow and fly-blown lung. Its landlord was a retired alcoholic with military pretensions and a complexion like the inside of a teapot. By the time the doors opened he was arseholed on rum and got progressively more arseholed until he could take no more and fell over at about 12 o'clock.

[the drunken, elderly pub landlord opens the till and it hits it him the chest and he almost falls down]

General Thought I was going for a minute. But no man's put me down yet. Have you had any training in the martial arts?

Withnail Yes, as a matter of fact I have. Before I became a journalist I was in the Territorials.

General Do you know, when you first came in here I knew you were a services man. You can never, never disguise it.

Withnail What were you in?

General Tanks. Afrika Korps. A little before your time. Don't suppose you've engaged, have you?

Withnail Ireland.

General Oooh, a crack at the Mick?

Withnail We'll have another pair of large scotches.

General These shall be my pleasure.

[he pours their drinks]

General What are you doing up here, then?

Withnail We're doing a feature for Country Life. Survey of rural types. You know, farmers, travelling tinkers, milkmen, that sort of thing.

General Have you met Jake? Poacher. Works the lake, but keep it under your hat, hm?

[they go and sit down at a table with their drinks]

Marwood What's all this army bollocks?

Withnail We got a drink, didn't we?

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Monty I had to come. I tried not to. Oh, how I tried not to.

Marwood Listen, Monty, there's something I have to explain to you.

Monty You needn't explain, he's told me everything. He told me that first day you came to Chelsea.

Marwood What's he told you?

Monty He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road. He told me about your problems. How you feel. Your desires.

Marwood Problems? What problems?

Monty You are a toilet trader.

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Marwood Have another look in that shed. Find *anything*. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.

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Marwood A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not! *Arrrgh*!

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Withnail [after a phone call with his agent] Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not gonna understudy anybody. Especially that little pimp! Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow.

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Marwood September. It's a bad patch.

Withnail Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange! Why doesn't he retire?

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Monty [to Marwood] Where did you school?

Withnail He went to the other place, Monty.

Monty Oh, you went to Eton?

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Monty You mustn't blame him. You mustn't blame yourself. I know how you feel and how difficult it is. And that's why you mustn't hold back, let it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric. It's like a tide. Give in to it, boy. Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours.

Marwood I'm not homosexual, Monty.

Monty Yes, you are! Of course you are! You're simply blackmailing your emotions to avoid the realities of your relationship with him.

Marwood What are you talking about?

Monty You love him. And it isn't his fault he cannot love you any more than it's mine that I adore you.

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Monty Now, which of you is going to be a splendid fellow and go down to the Rolls for the rest of the wine?

Withnail [getting up] I will.

Marwood [getting up at the same time] No, I'd better go. I want to see about digging the car out anyway.

Monty But we have my car, dear boy.

Marwood Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.

[realises he's used the wrong word]

Marwood I mean...

Monty Stranded!

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Marwood You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?

Withnail How can I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?

Marwood Get out of it for a while. Get into countryside, rejuvenate.

Withnail Rejuvenate? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead. What good's the side?

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Monty Surrounded by trees and nature one feels a *glorious* stirring on the senses, a rejection of *poisonous* inhibition, and a *fecund* motion of the soul.

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Danny [holding up a pill] Trade: Phenodihydrochloride benzorex. Street: the embalmer.

Withnail Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile!

Danny Cool your boots, man.

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Monty [noticing the plastic bags that Withnail is wearing over his shoes] What on Earth are those?

Withnail We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.

Monty Oh, but how dreadful. Do you mean you've been up here in all this beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?

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Marwood Give me a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing. I've gone and fucked my brain!

Danny Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You've got a rush. It'll pass. Be seated.

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Monty There can be no true beauty without decay.

Withnail Legium pro Britannia.

Monty How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs.

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Withnail Look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones. Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels.

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Danny Do you realise this gaff's overrun with rodents? When I come in, I seen one the size of a fucking dog.

Marwood No, that is a dog. Belongs to the fellow downstairs.

Danny Does his dog get in the oven?

Withnail No, his dog doesn't come up here.

Danny Then it was a rodent. Opened the oven door and it was in there looking at me. Quite freaked me at the time. I was gonna cook onions.

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Monty [amorously puts his hand on Marwood's arm as he peels vegetables] I think you've been punished enough. I think we'd better release you from the légumes and transfer your talents to the meat.

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[a poacher enters the pub with pheasants stuffed under his coat, making him look like a hunchback]

Withnail Excuse me, we were wondering if we could purchase a pheasant off of you?

Jake No. I've got nothing to sell.

Withnail Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?

Jake Now, look, you. Them pheasants are for his pot. These eels are for my pot. Now, what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?

Withnail What pot?

Marwood Our cooking pot.

Jake Ah, he knows. Hey, give us a wheeze on that fag.

[he pulls Withnail's cigarette out of his mouth and puts it in his]

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Withnail [after having entirely covered himself in muscle embrocation to keep warm] Have you been at the controls?

Marwood What are you talking about?

Withnail The thermostats. What have you done to them?

Marwood I haven't touched them.

Withnail Then why has my head gone numb?

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Danny Law rather appeals to me actually.

[Withnail laughs uncontrollably and drops to the floor]

Danny Just high.

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Withnail [after being threatened by Jake the poacher] If I see that silage heap hanging about up here, *I'll take the bastard axe to him*!

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Withnail How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold.

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Marwood I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! My heart's beating like a fucked clock!

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Withnail Don't threaten me with a dead fish!

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Jake [pulling a pheasant out of his coat] He's been fed from arsehole to beak.

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Marwood [voiceover] 13 million Londoners have to wake up to this. The murder and All-Bran and rape. And I'm sitting in this bloody shack and I can't cope with Withnail. I must be out of my mind. I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth.

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Marwood Who is the huge spade in the bath?

Danny Presuming Ed.

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Marwood Aren't you getting absurdly high?

Danny Precisely the reason I'm smoking it.

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Withnail [sticking out his yellowy tongue] Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock.

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Marwood [voiceover] Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends. Headhunter to everybody. He doesn't have any friends. The only people he converses with are his clients and occasionally the police. The purveyor of rare herbs and prescribed chemicals is back. Will we never be set free?

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Danny You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mils of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? That's politics, innit?

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Marwood [about Monty] Where is he?

Withnail Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.

Marwood [referring to the radish on Monty's lapel] Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.

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Irishman Perfumed ponce!

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Withnail Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from London!

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Monty I'll sleep here. It won't be the first time I've been left with the couch.

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Marwood Wake up you bastard, or I burn this bastard bed down!

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[they've arrived at the cottage, it's cold and dark]

Marwood What are you doing?

Withnail [ruefully] Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.

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[Withnail has been pulled over by the police for speeding down the motorway in the beat-up Jaguar]

Policeman 1 Bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it?

Withnail [gesturing at the wine bottles and Marwood in the back] These aren't mine, they belong to him.

Policeman 1 You're drunk.

Withnail [clearly drunk] I assure you I'm not, officer. Honestly. I've only had a few ales.

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[Marwood is leaving to go to Manchester to do a play. Withnail is walking him to the station in the heavy rain]

Marwood Listen, Withnail, it's a stinker. Why don't you go back?

Withnail Because I want to walk you to the station.

Marwood Well, don't. Please don't. I really don't want you to.

[they stop and look at each other. Marwood puts his hand on Withnail's shoulder]

Marwood I shall miss you, Withnail.

Withnail [teary-eyed] I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.

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Danny [stands barefoot, about to leave Withnail and Marwood's flat] Have you either of you got shoes?

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[repeated line]

Withnail [toasting with a drink] Chin-chin.

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Jake I've seen you! Prancing around like a tit! You want working on, boy!

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Danny This doll is extremely dangerous. It has voodoo qualities.

[he pulls its head off and tips some pills out of it]

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Withnail [about Danny] I'm not having this shag-sack insulting me!

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Withnail [in a telephone box, speaking to an operator] I've already put two shilling pieces in. No, I haven't got another. Well, it's not my fault if the system doesn't work!

[he puts the phone down]

Withnail Bitch hung up on me.

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Monty [entering Marwood's room in the dark] Boy... boy... I know you're not asleep, boy.

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Wolf [Skids to a halt on its paws]

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Withnail I'm utterly arseholed.

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Marwood [while high on drugs] I'm getting the *fear*!

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Withnail [Danny offers Withnail his huge Camberwell Carrot spliff] I couldn't, I'm spaced.

Danny Not as spaced as your rodents.

Marwood Don't talk about them.

Danny I imagine they're talking to each other.

Marwood What do you mean?

Danny I dealt with them.

Marwood Dealt with them? What the fuck do you mean?

Danny Dosed 'em. I expect they're dead down the drain.

Marwood Dead down the drain? What have you done to them?

Danny Given them all drugged onions.

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Withnail He sent me out here to tell you that the coffee's ready.

Marwood I couldn't drink it. I got a cramp in the mouth from grinning.

Withnail Well, stop smiling at him.

Marwood I can't help it. I'm so uptight around him. I can't stop myself.

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Withnail and I Movie Quotes