The Beach Bum Movie Quotes
Moondog
One day I will swallow up the world, and when I do, I hope you all perish violently.
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Moondog
I mean, fuck, we're here to have a good time. I just wanna have a good time, until this shit's over, man. This life's gig a fucking rodeo and I'm gonna suck the nectar and fucking rawdog it till the wheels come off.
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Moondog
I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out.
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Lewis
You know what I like the most about being rich? You can just be horrible to people and they just have to take it.
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Moondog
[to a pair of cops, waiting outside his home]
It's about time you guys got here, I need help carrying my luggage!
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Lingerie
Fuck! I must've been high as a motherfucker when I hatched that plan.
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Moondog
Give me a lucky lotto triple seven and a cigar, would you?
Cash Register Guy
Sure.
Moondog
You don't sell acid, do you?
Cash Register Guy
No...
Moondog
That's too bad, man. This place used to.
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Moondog
If I may suggest, your honor, I was told about this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands that's got an open bar and 24 hour time massage. A little "jerky-jerk" to take the edge off you in the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe with the anti toxins.
Judge
Excuse me?
Moondog
All due respect to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal!
Judge
It's not gonna happen!
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Captain Wack
Shit, man. Now I gotta feed my coke-addicted parrot.
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Moondog
Keep the pool hot.
Jose the Pool Boy
I put it on 120 for you.
Moondog
That's what I'm talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine. Cause I may have a gangbang when I get back. I'll invite your mother.
Jose the Pool Boy
Thank you Mr. Moondog.
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Lingerie
I love it when a plan comes together. Anything for a friend.
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Moondog
Man, I'm high. My nuts are throbbing right now.
Lingerie
First time I hit this shit, I nearly went into a coma. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe. What you see?
Moondog
The delights of 39 ladies.
Lingerie
What about those cartoons right there? Can you see them?
Moondog
Are we looking at the same screen?
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Moondog
I don't want you to put a penny of that stuff in the bank. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati motherfuckers.
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Moondog
I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy.
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Moondog
Now, what he failed to mention, that these dolphins have got a sort of corkscrew pecker. Alright. A little, whippy, winding ranky-cank thing.
Captain Wack
It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew.
Moondog
So keep a look out.
Captain Wack
And it's orgy season. So hopefully, we will get to see something, some real wild stuff.
Moondog
Everybody's fucking, they're really horny this time of the season.
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Moondog
How did I pull it off? How did I do it? I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been tryin' to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspirin' to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fuckin' gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things goin', man, and they are all turnin' me on. And my wires are connectin' upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberatin' back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get movin', my head gets soupy, I'm spinnin' all over the fuckin' place, and the fuckin' words come out. It is like it's a fuckin' gift.
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Lewis
It's sad, Moondog. You used to be a motherfuckin' ATM for me, boy. You have - pissed away your talent on women and booze and total excess.
Moondog
Now you're talkin'. Yeah, all those things, that's what feeds the juices up here my nugget, man, through my loins up the Autobahn, my spirit and mind, man.
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Captain Wack
Don't fuck with Captain Wack. You will get whacked for fucking with Captain Wack.
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Moondog
You know my home is down here in the Keys with all the burn-outs. I'm a bottom feeder. I got to go low to get high. You know that.
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Captain Wack
I only had four deaths on my watch.
Moondog
Only four?
Captain Wack
Four deaths in over eight straight years of dolphin touring. It's a terrific record. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily on five separate occasions but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality I never quite understood.
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Lewis
I'm not even upset, even a little bit, that I was not included in the ceremonies.
Moondog
Oh, you thought you'd be included?
Lewis
No, well, like I said, I'm busy, anyway, so like I said, I'm not offended. And I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do... with the incident a few years back.
Moondog
Oh, when you walked in and saw that...
Lewis
I didn't know she was changing.
Moondog
She said you stayed a little longer than a few seconds.
Lewis
Well, I used to mix signals back then. It was a confusing time. I would misread things often.
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Captain Wack
It's prime mating season. Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.
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Moondog
I'm gonna throw a few fresh lines on you. A little poem I'm workin' on right now: Last night, When I went to bed in Havana, I was thinkin' about you, I was thinkin' about you, Then I got up about 4:00 a.m., And I had to take a piss, As guys do, And I looked down at my dick, And I had such affection In my heart when I did, Knowing that it had been, Inside you twice today, Made me feel, Beautiful. That's what I got. Have a great night. Chase the moon.
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Minnie
The limp-dick groom is melting down.
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Moondog
Oh, my God. I forgot how rich we were.
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Lingerie
Be careful, dog You're about to go to a place you never been before. That shit don't come with seat belts.
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Sexy Older Woman
Do you know what my horoscope said? Don't play with matches.
Moondog
You don't have to, because the fire is already lit, sweetie. That veil is fire. You got a lot of great things going on all over your B-O-D-Y right now.
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Lingerie
This weed here is so good, it can make a motherfucker yearn for the afterlife. It could send you to the outer limits of humanity.
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Moondog
Oh! Look at you.
Minnie
No, you've been gone too long.
Moondog
Look at you.
Minnie
You have to woo me.
Moondog
Woo-woo-doo...
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Lingerie
Moondog, until we meet again, bad moon rising.
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Lingerie
Bitch, you know you're too young to be married, right? You got a lot of livin' to do, baby. Ain't nobody made your little pink twitter squirt yet, huh?
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Moondog
What does she know about love, anyway? She's 16 years old. She doesn't know what love is. She's too young to get married.
Minnie
She's 22, Moondog.
Moondog
Ah, 22, whatever. I mean, besides, she's marrying such a limp dick.
Minnie
You're probably right.
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Moondog
What do you think about that, huh? Cash and a boat. We can do whatever we want or nothin' at all.
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Lewis
The phone is ringin'! Off the hook! They are callin' you motherfuckin' Van Gogh with words, baby. They call on you Walt Disney. They want to freeze your motherfuckin' brain when you die. This say your new book is a masterpiece, Moondog.
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Snoop's Rasta Pilot
Safe and sound. I don't fock around.
Moondog
You know what, it doesn't even matter what you said, it just sounds so fuckin' good how you say it.
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Moondog
Sweetie, I'm telling you, don't ever bet against the Moondog.
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Flicker
This shines bright, fucking real bright.
Moondog
You got it, tiger.
Flicker
Go spread that light. Shine big, brother.
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Moondog
Hey, hey, what's shakin', little ginger goat?
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Moondog
I'm looking for something a little more earthbound. Big-breasted, no scars. Just like you. Just like you. Just like you.
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[first lines]
Moondog
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Un poquito albino - my little angel pussy. Nobody? Anybody?
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Moondog
In the dusk, you see that woman. She is singing to us, calling us back over the vistas of our past, right back to a child hunched under the piano, sittin' in the boom, and the tinkling strings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his hand - he's got his hand on it, on the foot of his mother. And she smiles - as she sings. And in spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song has betrayed me back once again - to the heart of me, where I weep to belong.
Lingerie
Oh! That is the most brilliant shit I've ever heard. You wrote that?
Moondog
Yeah, I did.
Lingerie
That is some wild *shit*, dog.
Moondog
Glad you like it, man. I wrote that in my younger years. Actually, D. H. Lawrence wrote it. But I stole and plagiarized it for my seventh-grade poetry contest. And guess what? I won that motherfucker.
Lingerie
Moondog, you my motherfucker.
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Lawyer
Effective immediately, you can go back to your home, and get your typewriter and some crappy underwear but that's it.
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Moondog
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Minnie-Minnie Boo-Boo. Minnie-Boo.
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Heather
He's fucked up, Mom.
Minnie
It's just Moondog.
Heather
Don't make excuses for him.
Minnie
You just kind of have to accept that he's from another dimension. He really is. And you have to love him for it. I do. You and limp dick are gonna have to accept that.
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Moondog
I still don't understand how you married this milk-drinking closet case. I mean, look at him. He's got no magic, he's got no style. He's dressed up like a J.V. cheerleader. I had high hopes for you, Heather. High fucking hopes.
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Moondog
Thank yooooooooooou, Minnie-Boooooooo! Fuck you, as well.
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Moondog
Float me enough cash to get back down to the Keys to buy the fun goodies that make me smile and laugh all day. Is that so much to ask?
Lewis
I can't do it for you, big papa. I can't. Because, you know what, I been waitin' for ages and I ain't gettin' no pages.
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Heather
He may be a jerk but he's a great man. He's brilliant.
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Lawyer
You're now basically a bum.
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Judge
Back again, huh? Your choice, prison or rehab.
Moondog
Is there a third option?
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Moondog
You guys ever watched Magnum P.I.? It's based on my life. I watch it all the time. It's like looking in the fuckin' mirror.
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Moondog
I'm not asking you to part the fuckin' Red Sea for me. I'm askin' you for enough loot to set me up for a few weeks here so I can have my daily goodies. A little booze, a little weed, a little poontang.
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Heather
Why did you destroy your own house?
Moondog
Ah, boredom, I guess. I don't know.
Heather
Dad, what is wrong with you?
Moondog
I'm fine! I'm really better than fine. This is another little adventure we are on. When did you become such a Republican?
Heather
Republican?
Moondog
Well, whatever.
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Moondog
The wind, the rain, the stars, the bird, the clock will answer you. Get drunk, good man. Get drunk - and stay drunk.
Homeless Phil
Is that poetry?
Moondog
Of course it's poetry, you toothless, illiterate chump. It's Baudelaire.
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Moondog
Let's get up to a little Devil's business before we get saved.
Flicker
You know the best part about the devil. Fucking, he finds the fun. And then we take Jesus and we just ride him all the way to the top, because the best part is, we can do whatever the fuck we want. Jesus already paid for all our sins.
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Moondog
Oh, setting sun, though the time has come, I warble under you. Well, no one else does. Unmitigated adoration.
Flicker
Hey, that was fucking beautiful.
Moondog
I know, right. There she is, shining on you, man.
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Moondog
Your mother loved me?
Heather
Yes, Dad.
Moondog
She said that?
Heather
Of course.
Moondog
She think I was brilliant?
Heather
She thought you were a genius.
Moondog
She said that?
Heather
That's why she stayed with you all those years. And that's why you've always been able to get away with everything, Dad.
Moondog
Ah, Minnie-Boo. She had an incredible ass. Could fellate like a python. Fuck, she could fellate a python if she wanted.
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Captain Wack
It is beyond luck. Karma, man, I'm blessed, bro.
Moondog
Meant to be.
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Captain Wack
Dolphins, man. I love those fuckin' dolphins, man. The sounds that come out of their mouth. They're tryin' to communicate with you. All you gotta do is talk back to 'em. I fell in love with dolphins ever since I saw the show "Flipper". Blew me away.
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Captain Wack
Listen up, everybody. All right. We're in the middle of matin' season. If you see some humpin', don't look away. It's cool lookin'. It's nature in all its glory. Dolphins love to bone.
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Moondog
I like your swagger, Captain.
Captain Wack
Thanks, Moondog. Got nicked in 'Nam, makes me walk like a pimp. Some shrapnel partially shredded my nut sack, but everything still works. I'm still bangin'. Bop. Bop, bop, bop.
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Moondog
Look, it's heaven. Heaven looks like that, Lounger.
Lingerie
Think of it like this, dog. I'm gonna give you so much of this, you gonna be able to write you a couple of novels and that poetry shit.
Moondog
Poetry...
Lingerie
Yeah, I'm talking about poems out of your motherfuckin' asshole.
Moondog
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Lingerie
This is the safecracker right here. To crack the safe - to writin' that thing and gettin' that money! Because this is the key to unlocking all of those juices in that head of yours. Trust me.
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Lingerie
she didn't love me. She loved my sex but she didn't love me. I was the R&B singer with the big ding-a-ling. I was just a diversion. Until you came back. You dig?
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Lingerie
Moondog?
Moondog
Yeah. I'm back!
Lingerie
Where the fuck you been, man? You look like shit!
Moondog
No, man, I look like I always look, man.
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Captain Wack
It's been real, Moondog.
Moondog
It's been more than that. It's been whack, Captain Wack. See you down the road.
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Lingerie
So sexual.
Moondog
Hypersexual.
Lingerie
Oh, man, the moves that she doing, man.
Moondog
She had these tiny hands. And what I loved about her tiny hands, it made my cock look so big.
Lingerie
Oh, wow. You should've seen what mine looked like in her hands. The way she went down on me, I could just see it right now.
Moondog
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lingerie
And if you make eye contact.
Moondog
I hear you. I hear you. That's enough. That's enough.
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Moondog
I wanna have a big fuckin' fireworks show, man. Invite all my friends from the Keys. None of that sparkler bullshit that impresses lesbians, pregnant women, and babies. No, no, no. Let's Valhalla this motherfucker, you know what I mean? Raise the dead. Woo!
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Lingerie
Be good and be good at it, man.
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