Monty Python and the Holy Grail Movie Quotes
Bridgekeeper
Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot
To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot
Blue.
Bridgekeeper
Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin
That's easy.
Bridgekeeper
Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your name?
Sir Robin
Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your quest?
Sir Robin
To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper
What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin
I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin
Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper
Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad
Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your quest?
Galahad
I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad
Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad
auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper
Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur
It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper
What... is your quest?
King Arthur
To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper
Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper
Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere
How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
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King Arthur
I am your king.
Woman
Well, I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur
You don't vote for kings.
Woman
Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
King Arthur
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis
[interrupting]
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
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French Soldier
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
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[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur
Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight
'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur
A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight
No, it isn't.
King Arthur
What's that, then?
King Arthur
You liar!
Black Knight
Come on, you pansy!
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Sir Bedevere
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1
Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1
Burn them.
Sir Bedevere
And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1
More witches.
Peasant 2
Wood.
Sir Bedevere
Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3
...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1
Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1
Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere
Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1
No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere
No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1
Bread.
Peasant 2
Apples.
Peasant 3
Very small rocks.
Peasant 1
Cider.
Peasant 2
Gravy.
Peasant 3
Cherries.
Peasant 1
Mud.
Peasant 2
Churches.
Peasant 3
Lead! Lead!
King Arthur
A Duck.
Sir Bedevere
...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1
If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere
And therefore...
Peasant 2
...A witch!
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Sir Bedevere
What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3
Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere
A newt?
Peasant 3
[meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd
[shouts] Burn her anyway!
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[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur
How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot
I know not, my liege.
King Arthur
Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric
[reading]
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Brother Maynard
Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard
Amen.
All
Amen.
King Arthur
Right. One... two... five!
Galahad
Three, sir.
King Arthur
Three!
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King Arthur
[after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms]
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight
Yes I have.
King Arthur
Look!
Black Knight
It's just a flesh wound.
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1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Who goes there?
King Arthur
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Pull the other one!
King Arthur
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur
Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
You're using coconuts!
King Arthur
What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur
We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur
What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur
Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur
It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur
Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Am I right?
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Sir Lancelot
[Sir Galahad the Chaste is being seduced by an entire castle full of young women]
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad
I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot
No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot
No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad
I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot
Am not.
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Knight 1
We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2
NI.
Other Knights
Shh...
Knight 1
We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm."
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Large Man with Dead Body
Who's that then?
The Dead Collector
I dunno, must be a king.
The Dead Collector
He hasn't got shit all over him.
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King of Swamp Castle
Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1
Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2
[hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle
No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle
No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1
And you'll come and get him.
Guard #2
[hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle
Right.
Guard #1
We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle
No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1
Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle
All right?
Guard #2
[hiccups]
Guard #1
Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle
Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard #2
[hiccups]
Guard #1
Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle
No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard #1
Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle
No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1
Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle
No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1
Just you.
Guard #2
[hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle
Get back.
Guard #1
Get back.
King of Swamp Castle
All right?
Guard #1
Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
King of Swamp Castle
And make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1
What?
King of Swamp Castle
Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1
The prince?
King of Swamp Castle
Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1
Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard #1
I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.
King of Swamp Castle
Is that clear?
Guard #2
[hiccups]
Guard #1
Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King of Swamp Castle
Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King of Swamp Castle
Where are you going?
Guard #1
We're coming with you.
King of Swamp Castle
No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1
Oh, I see. Right.
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Dennis
Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
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King Arthur
Can we come up and have a look?
French Soldier
Of course not. You're English types.
King Arthur
What are you then?
French Soldier
I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad
What are you doing in England?
French Soldier
Mind your own business.
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Dennis
Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
King Arthur
Bloody peasant!
Dennis
Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn't you?
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Tim
There he is!
King Arthur
Where?
Tim
There!
King Arthur
What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim
It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur
You silly sod!
Tim
What?
King Arthur
You got us all worked up!
Tim
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur
Ohh.
Tim
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad
Get stuffed!
Tim
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad
Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin
You manky Scots git!
Tim
I'm warning you!
Sir Robin
What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim
He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
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King Arthur
Old woman!
Dennis
Man.
King Arthur
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis
I'm 37.
King Arthur
What?
Dennis
I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur
Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis
Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur
I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis
Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
King Arthur
I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis
What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur
Well, I am king.
Dennis
Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
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Minstrel
[singing]
Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin
No!
Minstrel
[singing]
bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin
I didn't!
Minstrel
[singing]
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin
I never did!
Minstrel
[singing]
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin
Oh, you liars!
Minstrel
[singing]
Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
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Minstrel
[singing]
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis...
Sir Robin
That's enough music for now, lads.
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King Arthur
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
Tim
I... am an enchanter.
King Arthur
By what name are you known?
Tim
There are some who call me... Tim?
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French Soldier
You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
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The Dead Collector
Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body
Here's one.
The Dead Collector
That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector
What?
Large Man with Dead Body
Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector
'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body
Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm not.
The Dead Collector
He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body
No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector
Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body
Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector
I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body
Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector
I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body
Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector
I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body
Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector
Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body
Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body
Right.
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[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]
Black Knight
Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur
You'll what?
Black Knight
Come here!
King Arthur
What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight
I'm invincible!
King Arthur
...You're a loony.
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Woman
Oh. How do you do?
King Arthur
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman
King of the who?
King Arthur
King of the Britons.
Woman
Who are the Britons?
King Arthur
Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis
You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis
Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur
Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman
No one lives there.
King Arthur
Then who is your lord?
Woman
We don't have a lord.
Dennis
I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur
Yes...
Dennis
...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur
Yes I see...
Dennis
...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur
Be quiet!
Dennis
...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman
Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
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Knights of Camelot
[singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot
[solo]
Knights of Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
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King Arthur
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[the Black Knight doesn't respond]
King Arthur
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[no response]
King Arthur
I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.
[no response]
King Arthur
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[no response]
King Arthur
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!
[attempts to get around the Black Knight]
Black Knight
None shall pass.
King Arthur
What?
Black Knight
None shall pass!
King Arthur
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight
Then you shall die.
King Arthur
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight
I move for no man.
King Arthur
So be it!
[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]
King Arthur
Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight
'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur
A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight
No, it isn't!
King Arthur
Well, what's that then?
King Arthur
I've had worse.
King Arthur
You liar!
Black Knight
Come on, you pansy!
[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]
King Arthur
Victory is mine!
[kneels to pray]
King Arthur
We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -
[cut off by the Knight kicking him]
Black Knight
Come on, then.
King Arthur
What?
Black Knight
Have at you!
King Arthur
You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight
Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur
Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
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Knight 1
...You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WITH... A HERRING!
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[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight
All right, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur
[Preparing to leave]
Come, Patsy.
[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]
Black Knight
[calling after King Arthur]
Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
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Sir Lancelot
Look, my liege!
[trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle]
King Arthur
[in awe]
Camelot!
King Arthur
Shh!
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King Arthur
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Soldier
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur
What?
Sir Galahad
He said they've already got one!
King Arthur
Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier
Oh yes, it's very nice!
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King of Swamp Castle
Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
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King Arthur
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
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Sir Bedevere
...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
King Arthur
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
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Sir Galahad
Zoot!
Dingo
No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
[He tried to get past her]
Dingo
Where are you going?
Sir Galahad
I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo
Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad
What is it?
Dingo
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad
It's not the real Grail?
Dingo
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!
[Turns to camera]
Dingo
Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.
Left Head
At least ours was better visually.
Dennis
At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper
Get on with it.
Tim
Yes! Get on with it!
Army
Yeah! Get on with it!
Dingo
Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
God
Get on with it!
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King Arthur
[about the inscription on the rock]
What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard
It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur
What?
Brother Maynard
"The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere
What is that?
Brother Maynard
He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur
Oh come on!
Brother Maynard
Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad
Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur
Oh shut up!
Sir Robin
Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard
No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere
Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad
Where's that?
Sir Bedevere
France, I think.
Sir Lancelot
Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur
No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot
Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere
Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot
No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere
No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot
Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere
Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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The Witch
I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere
But you are dressed as one!
The Witch
*They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd
We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch
And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere
[lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1
Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere
The nose?
Peasant 1
And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd
Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere
Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1
No!
Peasant 3
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 3
No!
Peasant 1
No!
Peasant 3
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 1
Yes!
Peasant 2
Yes!
Peasant 1
Yeah, a bit.
Peasant 3
A bit!
Peasant 1
Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!
Peasant 2
A bit!
Peasant 1
But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd
[coughs]
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Sir Lancelot
[Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards]
Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take
[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]
Sir Lancelot
Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert
You got my note!
Sir Lancelot
Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert
You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who
[Music swells]
King of Swamp Castle
Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
[Music stops]
King of Swamp Castle
Who are you?
Prince Herbert
I'm your son!
King of Swamp Castle
No, not you!
Sir Lancelot
I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert
He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle
Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot
Um... oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle
They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot
Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle
Well, I can understand that.
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Sir Galahad
Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
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[the King gestures to the window]
King of Swamp Castle
One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert
What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle
No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.
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King of Swamp Castle
When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.
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Tim
Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it... and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth...
[Makes fangs with his fingers and holds them in front of his mouth]
King Arthur
What an eccentric performance.
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King of Swamp Castle
You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot
Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot
Oh dear... is he all right?
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King of Swamp Castle
We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert
But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
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Dingo
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad
Well, I could stay a bit longer...
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French Soldier
Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers
A what?
French Soldier
A present.
Other French soldiers
Oh. Un cadeau. Oui oui.
French Soldier
Allons y!
Other French soldiers
What?
French Soldier
Let's go!
Other French soldiers
Oh.
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Monks
Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem
[bonk!]
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[after Bors is killed by the killer rabbit]
Tim
I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?
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Knight 1
We are the Knights who say... NI.
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Dingo
You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.
All
And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
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Dennis
Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
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Roger the Shrubber
Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur
Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur
Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
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King Arthur
NI.
Sir Bedevere
NOU.
King Arthur
No, NI.
Sir Bedevere
NOU.
King Arthur
No No, NI... NI.
Sir Bedevere
No,No,No,No... NI.
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French Soldier
- "I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters"
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God
Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
King Arthur
Good idea, O Lord!
God
'Course it's a good idea!
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[repeated line]
King Arthur
Run away!
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Narrator
A year passed: winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn... until one day...
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King Arthur
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
[the Knights of Ni scream and cover their ears]
Knight 1
Don't say that word!
King Arthur
What word?
Knight 1
I cannot tell! Suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!
King Arthur
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
[the Knights of Ni scream again]
Knight 1
He said it again!
King Arthur
What,"is"?
Knight 1
No, no, not "is". Wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is".
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[the cartoon Knights are being chased by the animated Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh]
Narrator
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!
[cut to the animator shown cringing]
Animator
Ughck!
[falls backwards in his chair]
[Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears]
Narrator
The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
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1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Am I right?
King Arthur
I'm not interested!
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard
It could be carried by an African swallow.
King Arthur
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard
But then the African swallow's not migratory...
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King Arthur
O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
Leader of The Knights who say NI!
One that looks nice.
King Arthur
Of course.
Leader of The Knights who say NI!
And not too expensive.
King Arthur
Yes.
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God
Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...
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Minstrel
[singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin
That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
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Subtitle
Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti!
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[Concorde has just been shot in the chest with an arrow bearing a message]
Concorde
Message for you, sir.
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[last lines]
King Arthur
[Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen] We shall attack at once.
Sir Bedevere
Yes, my liege.
[an army of hundreds of soldiers appears]
King Arthur
[to Castle Augh] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen!
[turns to army]
King Arthur
Charge!
[the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife]
Historian's Wife
[points to Arthur] It's that one, I'm sure!
[the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere]
Policeman
[turns to cameraman] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off.
[turns off camera]
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Narrator
Meanwhile, not more than two swallow's flights away, Arthur and Bedivere had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight away, obviously. There were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had the coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging the coconut...
Army
Get on with it!
Narrator
And now on to scene 24. A smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling...
[he retches as he is apparently killed]
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Wedding Guest
Look! The dead prince!
Concorde
He's not quite dead.
Prince Herbert
Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle
You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert
I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle
How?
Prince Herbert
Well, I'll tell you.
[music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!"]
King of Swamp Castle
Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!
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Sir Bedevere
Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
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God
What are you doing now?
King Arthur
Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God
Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing. Now knock it off!
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French Soldier
You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior!
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Minstrel
[singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
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Sir Galahad
What a strange person.
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Zoot
Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad
The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot
Yes... it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we'll attend to your every need.
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King Arthur
Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
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God
If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
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Left Head
Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel
[sings]
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...
Sir Robin
Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.
Left Head
What do you want?
Minstrel
[sings]
To fight and...
Sir Robin
Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.
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Sir Robin
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
King Arthur
Oh shut up and go and change your armour.
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[from trailer]
American Narrator
[over a sweeping shot of mountains] Once in a lifetime, there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures. A picture so stunning in its effect, so vast in its impact that it profoundly affects the lives of all who see it.
[dissolve to footage of King Arthur knighting Dennis]
American Narrator
One such film is...
Voice Director
[dismissively, trailer pauses] Very good, thank you. Yes, thank you. Next, please.
[trailer rewinds]
Slow-Witted Narrator
[trailer footage restarts] Once. In a. Life... time. There comes a... moh-tion pic-ture. Which... changes the 'hole... 'istory of moh... tion pictures. Eh...
Voice Director
[trailer pauses] Yes, thank you. Next!
[trailer rewinds]
Gumby Narrator
[shouts as trailer footage restarts] ONCE! IN A! LIFETIME!
Voice Director
[annoyed] Go away!
Gumby Narrator
[shocked] What?
Voice Director
Next!
Gumby Narrator
What's wrong with my voice? My voice is alright, my brain is wrong...
Asian Narrator
[trailer footage restarts, subtitled] Once in a lifetime there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures...
Voice Director
[pleased] That's more like it!
Asian Narrator
One such film is Kurosawa's "The Seven Samurai". Another was "Ivan the Terrible". Then there are more run-of-the-mill films like... "Herbie Rides Again", "La Notte", and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
[the castle model behind Arthur and Dennis falls over. Arthur unexpectedly runs Dennis through with his sword]
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Woman
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here!
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King Arthur
How dare you profane this place with your presence!
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[first lines]
King Arthur
Whoa, there!
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The Dead Collector
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Peasant 3
Here you are, here's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm not dead!
The Dead Collector
Hang on, he says he's not dead!
Peasant 3
Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't
I'm not!
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King Arthur
What happens now?
Sir Bedevere
Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise but totally unarmed!
King Arthur
Who leaps out?
Sir Bedevere
Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I... Leap out of the rabbit, and...
[Lancelot and Arthur put their heads in their hands]
Sir Bedevere
Um, look, if we built this large wooden badger...
[Arthur hits Bedevere on the head]
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1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Who goes there?
King Arthur
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds
Pull the other one.
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Sir Galahad the Pure
Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Dingo
Yes! yes! Let him tackle us single-handedly!
Girls of the Castles
Yes! Yes! Let him tackle us single-handedly!
Sir Launcelot the Brave
Come, Sir Galahad, quickly!
Sir Galahad the Pure
No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!
Dingo
Oh, yes! Yes! Let him handle us easily.
Girls of the Castles
Let him handle us easily!
Sir Launcelot the Brave
No sir. Quick!
Sir Galahad the Pure
No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them.
Dingo
Yes! Yes! He'll beat us easily. We haven't a chance!
Dingo
Dingo, Girls of the Castles: We haven't a chance! We haven't a chance!
Dingo
[Sir Launcelot and Sir Galahad depart] Oh! Oh shit!
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King Arthur
[Repeated line]
JESUS CHRIST!
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Dingo
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?
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King Arthur
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
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Left Head
Quick, get the sword out. I want to cut his head off.
Right Head
Cut your own head off.
Middle Head
Yes, do us all a favor.
Left Head
What?
Right Head
Yapping on all the time.
Middle Head
[to the Right Head]
You're lucky you're not next to him.
Left Head
What do you mean?
Middle Head
[to the Left Head]
You snore.
Middle Head
[to the Left Head]
Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
Right Head
Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea.
Left Head
All right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.
Middle Head
Yes.
Right Head
Not biscuits.
Left Head
Alright, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
Left Head
Left Head, Right Head, Middle Head: Right.
[They see that Sir Robin is gone]
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Sir Galahad
Let us taunt it! It may grow nervous, and make a mistake.
King Arthur
Like what?
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Second Swallow-Savvy Guard
Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your testicles already!
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King Arthur
What is this test, oh Knights of... knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Leader of The Knights who say NI!
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
King Arthur
[the knights babble excitedly]
Not another shrubbery!
Leader of The Knights who say NI!
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery. Only slightly higher, so you get the two-level effect, with a little path running down the middle.
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Dennis
[Dennis is talking about anarcho-syndicalist commune]
Woman
Dennis, forget about freedom. Don't drop the mud.
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The Dead Collector
Who's that then?
Large Man with Dead Body
I don't know. Must be a King.
The Dead Collector
Why?
Large Man with Dead Body
He hasn't got shit all over him.
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Zoot
I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.
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Sir Galahad the Pure
There's nothing wrong with - that.
Dr. Piglet
Please. We are doctors.
Sir Galahad the Pure
No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!
Dr. Piglet
Back to your bed! At once!
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King Arthur
[after being taunted by the French a second time]
Walk away. Just ignore them.
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Knight of Ni
We are now no longer the knights who say Ni. We are now the knights who say ecky ecky ecky ecky pakang zoom-poing!
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King of Swamp Castle
Oh, bloody hell!
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Second Swallow-Savvy Guard
Remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!
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King Arthur
[arriving at Castle Aaaauuuggghhhh with Bedevere]
Almighty God, we thank thee, that thou has vouchsafed to us the most holy...
[a sheep is fired at them with a catapult]
King Arthur
JESUS CHRIST!
French Soldier
Hello, stuffy English k-nig-hts and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time.
King Arthur
How dare you profane this place with your presence? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle to which God himself has guided us.
French Soldier
How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!
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Dingo
No, I'm Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
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Zoot
Sir Galahad! You would not be so Ungallant as to refuse our Hospitality?
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