Mugatu
You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber?
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Derek Zoolander
I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab.
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Valentina
Please accept my apologies.
Derek Zoolander
None taken.
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Alexanya Atoz
Do you ever have feeling, where you see young teenage girl with perfect skin, and you want to kill her? And take her skin, and put it on your skin? We've bottled that feeling.
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All
All is All.
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Billy Zane
Think about it, man. This could be a sign!
Derek Zoolander
What if it's a stop sign, Billy?
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Mugatu
Shut up, Valentino! Just shut up! Everyone shut up! There is no Fountain of Youth!
Tommy Hilfiger
What?
Mugatu
I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? Are you serious? You actually believed that crap?
Alexander Wang
What?
Mugatu
It's literally... it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on!
Anna Wintour
Oh, please. Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.
Mugatu
Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's just Anna Wintour! I'll knock your teeth out.
Anna Wintour
I'll rip your goddamn tongue out.
Mugatu
Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger, brought to you by white privilege.
Tommy Hilfiger
You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life!
Mugatu
Asshole.
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Half Cow Half Zoolander
Moooo!
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One tenth of Hansel's Orgy
Where'd everybody go? I wasn't finished with that Hippo!
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Don Atari
[to Mugatu]
You and SpongeBob were my biggest influence ever!
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Hansel
My mom told me my dad was a beat cop.
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Katy Perry
Who-oo-oo-ooohh am-mm-mm-mm I-ah-ah-aye?
Hansel
That was beautiful...
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Hansel
Neil, I gotta say, you're totally blowing my mind right now.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
That's what I do. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.
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Mugatu
You really are amazingly stupid, aren't you?
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Derek Zoolander
[Driving with his son, taking lots of Selfies with a Selfie Stick. The car drifts lanes and he swerves it back, sending it flying through the air until it comes crashing to a standstill]
Hashtag Oops!
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Billy Zane
Got your Netflix!
Derek Zoolander
[Opening envelopes]
Jack Ryan! and Jack Reacher! Tonight's going to be a total jack off!
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Sting
If you want to find the spirits in the material world you need to talk to the ghost in the machine.
Hansel
What? Who is this?
Sting
I have a message in a bottle for you, so don't go to the police.
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Derek Zoolander
I hope you're not apopleptic because they're going to take a lot of pictures.
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Mugatu
He's still so hot right now!
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Chazz Spencer
Members only. Members only. Epaulets are not a crime. Smart casual. Smart casual. Smart casual. Mr. Hammer is wrong!
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Derek Zoolander
Does being fat mean you're a terrible person? I'm really asking you, Hansel.
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Derek Zoolander
I've missed not knowing things with you.
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Derek Jr.
You're the most narcissistic person I've ever met.
Derek Zoolander
But that's not how I see myself.
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Mugatu
They're Sexy Fighting!
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Hasidic Man
Hansel, meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself.
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Justin Bieber
You can't kill us all, we will protect the Chosen One!
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Matt Lauer
And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old. Incredible as it may sound, of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year, less than 2% can tell you what a fax machine is, name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was!
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Mugatu
Prison changed me! I'm bad to the core now!
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Hansel
[Talking to Derek Jr. about his mother]
I remember there was one night, she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. I was driving the freak train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose... She had a mouth like Chinese finger cuffs, you know, where, like, you try to pull out but it just keeps getting tighter...
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Hansel
I'll go get Derek, tell my Orgy I love them!
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Valentino Garavani
Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!
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Hansel
Neil Degrasse Tyson? You don't know who you are, either?
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Valentina
Who says swimsuit models are useless? Take me from behind, Zoolander. Grab on for safety... and buoyancy! We're going to swim to Rome.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm sorry, I can't understand a word that you're saying.
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Mugatu
Prison changed me. I'm a psycho!
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Hansel
WHO AM I!
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Derek Zoolander
We're back!
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