The Big Bad Wolf
I was there to witness all of them. Each frivolous end. But you didn't even notice me, because Puss in Boots laughs in the face of death, right? But you're not laughing now.
Puss in Boots
You are no bounty hunter. You are...
The Big Bad Wolf
Death. And I don't mean it metaphorically or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. I'M DEATH. STRAIGHT UP! And I've come for you, Puss in Boots.
Puss in Boots
But... I'm still alive...
The Big Bad Wolf
[chuckles]
You know, I'm not really a cat person. I find the very idea of NINE lives absurd.
[angrily]
The Big Bad Wolf
And you didn't value ANY of them. So why don't I do us both a favor, and take this last one now?
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Puss in Boots
I know I can never defeat you, Lobo. But I will never stop fighting for this life.
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1
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1
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[Puss remembers his time with Kitty and Perrito]
The Big Bad Wolf
What's the matter? Lives flashing before your eyes?
Puss in Boots
No... just one. I'm done running.
[Puss drops the Wishing Star map and picks up his sword]
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Ethical Bug
That was horrible! Your wish is horrible! *You're* horrible! You're an irredeemable monster!
[Jack flicks the Ethical Bug off his shoulder]
Jack Horner
[sighs in annoyance before turning to the last surviving member of the Baker's Dozen]
You're not chatty, are you?
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Puss in Boots
Okay, okay, one more number. I call this one, "The Legend Will Never Di..."
[a huge bell falls on him]
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[last words]
Jack Horner
[trapped in the wishing star]
What did I do to deserve this? I mean, what specifically...?
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Puss in Boots
Um... meow?
[the cats are shocked]
Ohhh Cat
Ohhh...
Puss in Boots
What? Did I say something salty? It's my second language.
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Perrito
I'm Puss's best friend!
Puss in Boots
No, he isn't!
Perrito
And his therapy dog.
Puss in Boots
Definitely not!
Kitty Softpaws
Finally! You need therapy!
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Baby Bear
Oy, you shut up you little mutt, or I'll cut you from pooper to snooter!
Perrito
[gasps in excitement]
I'm in the mix now! Okay, okay, here we go! You're all a bunch of... knuckle-dragging, honey-scrounging, grump-
[bleeped]
Perrito
, oafish-
[bleeped]
Perrito
,
[bleeped]
Perrito
-munching, mangy
[bleeped]
Perrito
, nugget
[bleeped]
Perrito
, and YOUR snooter!
[bursts out laughing]
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Puss in Boots
Kitty, one life spent with you is all I could ever wish for.
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[Puss meets his past eight lives]
Puss in Boots
You guys are jerks, which makes this very conflicting for me!
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1
[gets crushed by a stampeding bull]
[the dogs tear him apart]
[walks off a tower]
[gets crushed]
[he is blown up]
[keeps eating]
[opens a hot oven and is burned to death]
Puss in Boots
And then there was the giant.
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Puss in Boots
Welcome! Mi casa es su casa!
Governor
No, su casa es *mi* casa!
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Puss in Boots
Say hello to my gatito blade.
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Ethical Bug
You're not gonna shoot a puppy, are you, Jack?
Jack Horner
Yeah, in the face, why?
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Jack Horner
I'll get you, my kitties, and your little dog too.
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Puss in Boots
Pray for mercy from... Puss in Boots!
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Baby Bear
'Ey, I'm gonna bust you up, plum-thumb! And then I'm gonna wear your clothes!
Jack Horner
That was weird.
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The Big Bad Wolf
Well, well. If it isn't Puss in Boots himself.
[chuckling]
The Big Bad Wolf
In the flesh!
Puss in Boots
Uh, hey.
The Big Bad Wolf
There's the famous hat, the feather and, of course, the boots.
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Baby Bear
You crimin' us? After we crimed you? No, no crime backs!
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Puss in Boots
Hey, you wanna see something cool?
[a huge bell slams into the Giant's face]
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Puss in Boots
I think it looks... distinguished.
Kitty Softpaws
It looks like a possum crawled on your face and died. Of shame.
Puss in Boots
Please mock me quietly.
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Mama Luna
I told you health department people, there are no cats here!
Goldilocks
Make her talk.
[Papa Bear goes near Mama Luna and growls in her face]
Papa Bear
Excuse me, my darling. We're looking for the legendary Puss in Boots. Have you perhaps... seen him?
Goldilocks
Too soft.
Mama Bear
[uses her claw to her nasal]
Out with it, you old biddy, or I'll have your guts for garters.
[Mama Luna faints]
Goldilocks
Too hard! That was not just right! Oi, Baby, sniff him out.
Baby Bear
You don't tell me what to do.
Mama Bear
Listen to your sister, Baby.
Baby Bear
Oh, she's not my sister! She's a fugitive orphan.
Baby Bear
Fine, but all I can smell... is cats' pee.
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Perrito
Okay, Kitty, I think I've got it now.
[tries to do cute eyes, but starts bulging his eye]
Perrito
Trust me!
Kitty Softpaws
Easy, easy. You're gonna give yourself a hernia. Here, one more time. Like this.
[shows cute eyes]
Kitty Softpaws
Trust me.
Perrito
Aw. But of course I trust you and Puss, even without the eyes.
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Gingy
Puss, I think you set the oven too high!
Puss in Boots
I am a master of the baking. Watch.
[opens the oven door, fire explodes out and Gingy screams]
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The Big Bad Wolf
I came here for an arrogant little legend who thought he was immortal.
[sighs]
The Big Bad Wolf
But I don't see him anymore.
[puts away his scythes]
The Big Bad Wolf
Live your life, Puss in Boots. Live it well. You know we will meet again, right?
Puss in Boots
Si, hasta la muerte.
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Puss in Boots
[after he buries his outfit at Mama Luna's]
We are gathered here today to say goodbye to Puss in Boots. There are no words to express such a loss. Thank you.
[walks away, then comes back]
Puss in Boots
But it would be a crime not to try. He was known across the land by many names. The Stabby Tabby. El Macho Gato. The Leche Whisperer. To some, an outlaw. To more, a hero. To all, a legend. I was right. Words were not enough.
[walks away once again, then comes back]
Puss in Boots
But perhaps a song. Who is your favorite fearless hero?
[starts crying]
Puss in Boots
Who is your favorite fearless hero? You were, you were.
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Puss in Boots
[Perrito's tail keeps thumping him]
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here. I mean, meow. Whatever.
Perrito
Oh, sorry.
[gasps excitedly]
Perrito
You're a talking cat. *I'm* a talking cat. Let's talk!
Perrito
Oh, not a problem. We can eat and talk at the same time.
Puss in Boots
No hablo English.
Puss in Boots
I don't speak Spanish either.
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Puss in Boots
Without my nine lives, I'm not... I'm not...
Kitty Softpaws
What, "The Legend"? I knew I couldn't compete with your true love.
[Throws the map at him]
Kitty Softpaws
Here, get your lives back. Just keep them away from mine.
Puss in Boots
Kitty! Death is after me!
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Puss in Boots
What could they possibly want to offer Puss in Boots?
Perrito
What's a Puss in Boots?
Puss in Boots
Seriously?
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Perrito
Wanna rub my belly?
Puss in Boots
What-what's happening?
Perrito
Rub!
Puss in Boots
Hard pass.
Perrito
Come on, rub! I need the practice. I'm gonna be a therapy dog someday.
Puss in Boots
What the hell are you talking about?
Perrito
I'm glad you asked. When people feel bad, they can rub my belly. It'll make 'em feel better.
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Kitty Softpaws
You know, when you said Death was after you, I thought you were just being melodramatic.
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Jack Horner
Don't you know I'm Dead Inside?
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Goldilocks
Give us the map, or else the baker man gets it!
Jack Horner
I don't even have the map, Little Bo Creep.
[Goldilocks throws the man at Jack]
Jack Horner
Stop throwing my men at me!
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Goldilocks
So long, ya plonkers!
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Goldilocks
What was it, Mama?
Mama Bear
The day a little orphan girl broke into our cabin and stole our hearts. The day when our world became just right.
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Pinocchio
Cause, I'm a real boy! No strings attached!
[cheering]
Pinocchio
Thank you, thank you.
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Ethical Bug
There's good in everyone! There's good in everyone!
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Little Boy
Papa, he stepped on my face!
Little Boy's Father
And we will never wash it again
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Little Boy
[the giant picks him up]
Whee! I'm flying!
Puss in Boots
No, you are not flying. I will save you!
Puss in Boots
If it's convenient.
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Perrito
I'm supposed to be a fearless hero; a legend, but without lives to spare, I am... nothing. I need that wish to get my lives back.
Perrito
You should tell Kitty. She would understan...
Puss in Boots
No, no, no, no. She cannot hear of this.
Puss in Boots
Kitty will never trust me again; not after Santa Coloma.
Perrito
But that's just one bad heist.
Puss in Boots
Santa Coloma wasn't a heist, Perrito. It was a church, with a priest, and guests... and Kitty. Everything but me. I ran away, then, too.
Perrito
Oh...
[begins to understand]
Perrito
Oh.
[gasps in realization]
Perrito
OH!
[whispers]
Perrito
You left her at the altar?
Puss in Boots
It was wrong, I know. I am ashamed. I just wish I hadn't hurt her so badly. I regret that day.
Perrito
So... maybe you should tell that to Kitty. Might make her feel better. Might make you feel better, too.
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The Big Bad Wolf
Pick it up. Pick. It. Up.
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[Puss is at the Wishing Star, preparing to make his wish]
Puss in Boots
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish...
Kitty Softpaws
I can't believe I fell for it again.
Puss in Boots
Kitty, you don't understand.
Kitty Softpaws
Don't understand what? That you've been playing me this whole time?
Puss in Boots
I need this wish.
Kitty Softpaws
Oh, yeah? You wanna know what *my* wish was? Someone, *anyone* I could trust.
[Kitty swipes the map from Puss and points her Gatito Blade at him]
Puss in Boots
Hey!
Kitty Softpaws
In my whole life, I've never had that, but I thought I finally found that someone, without a wish. I thought it was you, but you're still running, still the same old Puss in Boots.
Puss in Boots
But I am not, I am not Puss in Boots. I am.. I am on my last life. I need to get my lives back. Without them, I am not... I am *not*...
Kitty Softpaws
What? The legend?
[chuckles sadly]
Kitty Softpaws
I still can't compete with your one true love. Go on. Get your lives back.
[Puss gasps as he grabs the map]
Kitty Softpaws
Just keep them out of mine.
Perrito
[whimpers]
Puss in Boots
kitty! Death Is After Me!
Jack Horner
I've been called a lot of things... but never Death. I like it. That's *my* wish!
Mama Bear
Oi! That's Goldi's wish!
[Goldi, Papa Bear and Baby Bear arrive at the Star, as the final battle initiates]
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[after the Wolf almost killed Puss, leaving blood cut on his face, he sniffs the air]
The Big Bad Wolf
I just love the smell of *fear*!
[Wolf slowly marches, Puss had flashbacks]
The Big Bad Wolf
What's the matter? Lives flashing before your eyes?
[Wolf kicks Puss' sword to in front of him]
The Big Bad Wolf
Pick it up. Pick... it... up.
[Puss runs to the bathroom in fear and slams the door. Wolf begins whistling his tune, Puss locks himself in there. Wolf uses the sickle to break the door open, sees Puss gone]
The Big Bad Wolf
Corre, corre, gatito.
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Ethical Bug
[to Jack while riding the phoenix and holding a ripped piece of the Wishing Star map]
You looking for something? Consider this my resignation mister!
[He uses the phoenix to burn the piece, causing the entire map to disintegrate]
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Jack Horner
Now, about your payment.
Jan Serpent
Hold up. You promised us our weight in gold.
Jack Horner
I did, didn't I? Ever hear of the Midas Touch?
Jo Serpent
Ah, cool, dibs!
[she grabs the Midas Touch and begins to turn into solid gold]
Jo Serpent
Oh, no. I misjudged the situation!
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Puss in Boots
Okay, just get in and get out. Easy peasy.
Puss in Boots
Aah! What are you doing here?
Perrito
I brought you a sword.
Puss in Boots
That's not a sword, that's a stick!
Perrito
It's a stick sword!
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Jack Horner
I hate talking fairy tale animals.
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Jack Horner
Kitty Softpaws. My, you have a lot of nerve coming back here.
Kitty Softpaws
Please. I was the best thief you ever hired.
Jack Horner
You robbed me!
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Perrito
What's going on with you, Puss?
Puss in Boots
I... I am down to my last life, and uh, I... I am afraid.
Perrito
Well... it's okay to be afraid.
Puss in Boots
No, not for Puss in Boots. I-I'm supposed to be a fearless hero, a legend. But... without lives to spare, I am... nothing.
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Kitty Softpaws
Why are you so ridiculous, dog? What's your story?
Perrito
My story? Oh, it's actually a very funny story.
[laughs]
Perrito
Back when I was a pup, me and my litter mates lived with a family. A family full of pranksters who liked to play hide-and-seek, and I was always "it". Pick on the little guy, am I right?
Perrito
They tried putting me in a packing crate, a dumpster. No matter how hard they tried, I'd always find them. So one day, they get creative and they put me in a sock with a rock in it.
[laughs]
Perrito
And then throw me in a river!
[falls over laughing]
Perrito
I gnawed a hole in the sock and I swam to the surface.
[Puss and Kitty look horrified]
Perrito
Never found them or my litter mates, so I guess I'm still "it"!
[laughs]
Kitty Softpaws
Wow, that is the saddest funny story I've ever heard.
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Baby Bear
Them cats ain't gonna risk their lives for this daft little pup.
Goldilocks
You're just saying that because you want to eat him.
Baby Bear
I do not. I just want to pet him with my teeth.
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Kitty Softpaws
You know what trust gets you? A sock, a rock and a swim in the river.
Perrito
You have to trust somebody, right?
Kitty Softpaws
Not me. Uh-uh. Whenever I've let my guard down, I've been double-crossed, declawed, played and betrayed. Never again. I am a solo act. I keep my secrets and I play my cards close. That's how you get a winning hand. Take it from me; never trust anyone.
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Puss in Boots
[after being advised to retire by the village doctor/barber]
That Doctor is a quack and a crazy man! He should stick to cutting hair!
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Ethical Bug
[after the Baker's Dozen fall into the ravine]
Sweet mother of goose, Jack!
Jack Horner
Well, you know what they say. Can't bake a pie without losing a dozen men.
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Kitty Softpaws
Nice granny bag, Little Jack.
Jack Horner
It's not granny bag! It is a magic nanny bag.
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The Big Bad Wolf
Fear. I just LOVE the smell of fear, it's so intoxicating.
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The Big Bad Wolf
Go ahead, run! Makes it more fun for me.
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Baby Bear
So what is it, eh? What's your "just right"? What's so blasted important that you've got us stranded in this haunted forest?
Goldilocks
I'm getting a family! That's what. A proper family. Then everything will be just right.
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Kitty Softpaws
What's your name?
Perrito
Oh, I've been called all kinds of things. Dog. Bad Dog. Stupid Dog. Hey You! You There! Get Out! Leave It! Drop It! Big Rat. Small Pig. Rat Face. Butt Nugget.
[beep]
Perrito
For Brains. You know, that sort of thing.
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Goldilocks
Just give us the map.
Papa Bear
And throw in a dozen pies!
Goldilocks
Eh?
Mama Bear
Ooh, have you got any savory pies?
Goldilocks
What?
Baby Bear
Yeah, what flavors you got?
Goldilocks
N-No!
Mama Bear
Can we get all of that in a bag to-go?
Goldilocks
Oh, would you stop talking about bloomin' pies? Focus!
[smashes the bottle with the shrunken Lilliputian ship, the people fall out screaming]
Goldilocks
Hand over that map, or I'll punch holes in the lot of ya!
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Perrito
I live under the porch. It can get a little lonely down there. It's mostly controlled by the rats and the centipedes, but I have my own little corner.
Puss in Boots
Congratulations.
Perrito
I just come up here for the food and the friends!
[a cat growls and hisses at Perrito]
Perrito
Most-mostly the food.
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Mama Luna
You think this is the first time I've been stuffed in a piano?
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Kitty Softpaws
What's your deal, anyway? You run with the Chihuahua Gang?
Perrito
I don't think so.
Kitty Softpaws
I don't believe you.
Perrito
That's okay. As long as you believe in yourself.
Kitty Softpaws
Wha..is he deranged?
Puss in Boots
Yep.
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Goldilocks
Stop thinking about your belly, Baby. In fact, stop thinking, period. You'll just hurt yourself, ya muppet.
Baby Bear
And why would I listen to a porridge-stealing orphan like you? You're not even a bear.
Perrito
Zing!
Perrito
She. Got. You!
Baby Bear
You're nothing but a low-rent Cinderella.
Perrito
Oh!
Goldilocks
Well, that's rich coming from you, Baby. 'Cause you know what you are?
Perrito
Wait for it.
Goldilocks
You're a daft, fat, slow-thinking, no-reading, Lyme diseased, flea-ridden, dingleberry bear!
Perrito
Boom!
Baby Bear
I haven't got dingleberries!
Papa Bear
No, you do. You do have 'em.
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Baby Bear
I've got a plan. I can nick a map as well as any old cat.
Baby Bear
What? I'm smart, ain't I? Ain't I, Papa?
Papa Bear
No. You ain't well fit for brains.
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[kicks the sword to Puss]
The Big Bad Wolf
Pick it up. Pick... it... up.
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