Jordan BelfortLet me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.
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Jordan BelfortMy name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
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Jordan BelfortI fucked her goddamn brains out... for eleven seconds.
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Jordan BelfortOn a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my absolute favorite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to conquer the world. And eviscerate your enemies.
[Sniffs cocaine]
Jordan BelfortAnd I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.
Donnie AzoffHer father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.
Donnie AzoffIt's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?
Jordan BelfortNo, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...
Donnie AzoffLook, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...
Jordan BelfortWhat if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?
Donnie AzoffWell, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?
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Jordan Belfort[Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest]Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
Donnie AzoffI can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!
Jordan Belfort[holding his child]Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi LapagliaOh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan BelfortDaddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi LapagliaDaddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan Belfort[throwing money at the FBI agents]Fun coupons!
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Patrick DenhamMost of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust, they're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... You, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.
Patrick DenhamLet me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.
Patrick DenhamAnd you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The fucking hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this fucking boat. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.
Jordan Belfort[laughing]All right, get the fuck off my boat.
Patrick DenhamI'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.
Jordan BelfortI'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly fucking wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.
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Jordan Belfort[dubious]S-so if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.
DwayneIf you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free
[Jordan laughs]
Dwayne... and I hope it happens.
[both laugh]
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Jordan Belfort[narrating to the camera]An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. It's the first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...
[stops and chuckles]
Jordan BelfortLook, I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.
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Jordan BelfortOh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?
Jordan BelfortThis right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on!
[quoting Norma Rae]
Jordan BelfortThey're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!
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Donnie AzoffI check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.
BradYou gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.
BradLook, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...
Donnie AzoffOh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?
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Jordan BelfortSo you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!
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Donnie AzoffJesus Christ, I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Jordan BelfortMy wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah. She was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.
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Jordan Belfort[when asked who is Captain Ahab]The book, motherfucker, the book!
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Mark HannaNumber one rule of Wall Street. Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or if you're Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You know what a fugazi is?
Mark HannaFugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's never landed. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not fucking real.
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Jordan BelfortShe designs women's panties too? Oh, my God!
Mark HannaI want to. That's not why I do it. I do it 'cause I fucking *need* to. Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, high frequencies. Bang, bang, bang.
[imitates squeaking]
Mark Hannafucking digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard shit. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Right? You gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt.
Mark HannaThis is not a tip, this is a prescription. Trust me. If you don't, you will fall out of balance, split your differential and tip the fuck over. Or worse yet, I've seen this happen, implode.
Mark HannaImplosions are ugly. Pop off to the bathroom, work one out any time you can. When you get really good at it, you'll fucking be stroking and you'll be thinking about money.
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Nicholas the Butler[Naomi walks in on a gay orgy]Oh, hey! Is it Wednesday already?
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Jordan BelfortSee those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.
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Donnie AzoffI got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.
Donnie AzoffWhen it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.
ChantalleWell, we don't work for you, man!
Donnie AzoffSweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.
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Jordan BelfortDonnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.
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Brad[Donnie haphazardly gets out from car]Put the fucking car in the park, you dumb fucking idiot!
Donnie Azoff[slurred speech]I can't... I can't close this briefcase.
BradOne fucking day. One fucking day, you couldn't keep it together?
Patrick DenhamI'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.
Jordan BelfortI'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly fuckin' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.
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Jordan BelfortAfter 15 years in storage, the lemmons had developed a delayed fuse. It took 90 minutes for these fuckers to kick in but once they did, *pow.* And I had skipped the tingle phase and jumped straight to the drool phase. These little bastards were so strong I had discovered a whole new phase. The Cerebral Palsy phase.
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Jordan BelfortYou wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall street. "Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole." I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenaline.
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Jordan Belfort[on getting arrested]I cleaned up my act, I did rehab, I'm a TV personality, I'm sober for two years. And this happens! Rugrat goes and gets busted down in Miami, and guess who the fuck with? Saurel! What are the fucking odds? There had to be 10000 Swiss bankers in Geneva and Rugrat gets the one dumb enough to get himself arrested on US soil. Even more fucked, was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Something about laundering drug money through offshore boat racing, and a guy named Rocky Aoki, you know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would you be so cruel as to use a chain of fucking hibachi restaurants to take me down?
Jordan BelfortAre you out of your fucking mind? I don't even know who Venice is. What the fuck does that even mean? Venice. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life!
[after flashback of sex with Venice]
Jordan BelfortThat's right. That's right, I forgot. Donnie and I were investing in a condominium complex in Venice. That's why all this confusion.
Naomi LapagliaDon't you fucking Duchess me! Don't you Duchess me! Do you really think that I don't know what you're up to? You're a father now, Jordan.
Naomi LapagliaYou're a father now. And you're still acting like an infant!
[throws water in his face]
Jordan BelfortFUCK! GODDAMN IT! Baby, you know you got real anger issues.
Naomi LapagliaWho is the one who flew in here at 3:00 in the morning on their stupid helicopter and woke up Skylar? That was you! Doesn't even matter to you! Does it even matter to you that I just had that driving range sodded with Bermuda grass, Jordan, and now you fucking wrecked it!
Naomi LapagliaNo, you didn't research the whole thing and deal with the fucking golf course people!
Jordan BelfortOh my God! You had to deal with the gold course people, too! What a Greek tragedy honey! Oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden! And actually do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day, huh? Because I can't keep track of your professions, honey. Last month you were a wine connoisseur, now you're an aspiring landscape architect. Let me get that right.
Jordan BelfortOh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just fucking convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't fucking love me anymore. Is that right?
Naomi LapagliaJordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.
Naomi LapagliaIt will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.
Jordan BelfortYou're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?
Naomi LapagliaI've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.
Jordan BelfortI got news for you. You're not fucking taking my children you vicious fucking cunt, you!
[Naomi slaps Jordan and he slaps her back]
Jordan BelfortFuck you! You fucking bitch! You're not fucking taking my goddamn fucking kids! You hear me? Fuck you! You're not fucking taking my fucking kids! Fucking whore.
Naomi Lapaglia[Sees Jordan snorting cocaine]Look at yourself, Jordan. You're sick! You're a sick man!
Jordan BelfortFuck you! I told you, you're not taking my fucking kids.
Naomi LapagliaYou think I would let my kids near you? Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan! Twenty fucking years! You're never gonna see the kids again! No, I'm not fucking letting you near my kids!
Jordan BelfortYou don't think I'm gonna see my fucking kids again, huh?
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Jordan BelfortHello, John. How are you doing today? You mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside risk. Does that ring a bell?
JohnYeah, I may have sent something.
Jordan BelfortOkay, great. The reason for the call today, John, is something just came across my desk, John. It is perhaps the best thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with you. You got a minute?
JohnActually, I'm really very...
Jordan BelfortThe name of the company, Aerotyne International. It is a cutting edge high-tech firm out of the Midwest, awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And by the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $6,000 investment could be upwards of $60,000!
Jordan BelfortJohn, one thing I can promise you, even in this market, is that I never ask my clients to judge me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers, because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical factor out there, John, we are looking at a grand slam home run.
JohnOkay, let's do it. I'll do four grand.
Jordan Belfort$4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that trade right now and get back to you with my secretary with an exact confirmation. Sound good, John?
JohnYeah, sounds good.
Jordan BelfortGreat. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Center.
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Max BelfortJordy, one of these days the chickens are gonna come home to roost.
Mark HannaSo if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and now it's at 16 and he's all fucking happy, he wants to cash in and liquidate, take his fucking money and run home, you don't let him do that... 'cause that would make it real.
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[last lines]
Jordan BelfortI'm not ashamed to admit it: my first time in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a world where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?
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Jordan BelfortThis is the greatest company in the world!
Jordan BelfortEven though I own 85% of Steve Cocksucking Motherfucking Madden Shoes, the shares were in his fucking name!
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Jordan Belfort[after shipwreck]The nice thing about being rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.
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Jordan BelfortEvery person around here, they want to get rich and they want to get rich quickly. They all want something for nothing.
Alden KupferbergThere was this one time I was selling pot to this Amish dude. You know those guys who got like the beard with, like, no mustache or some bullshit? Well, he says that he only wants to make furniture.
Alden KupferbergYeah, like Buddhists. They don't give a shit about money. They're wrapped in sheets. They're not buying shit.
Jordan BelfortI'm not talking about Buddhists or Amish. I'm talking about normal people, working-class everyday people. Everyone wants to get rich. Am I crazy?
Chester MingThere's no such thing as an Amish Buddhist. I'm pretty fucking sure.
Stratton Oakmont CommercialThe world of investing can be a jungle. Bulls. Bears. Danger at every turn. That's why we at Stratton Oakmont pride ourselves on being the best. Trained professionals to guide you through the financial wilderness. Stratton Oakmont. Stability. Integrity. Pride.
Jordan BelfortNo, baby. Don't do that. You know how much I love you, right? Stop that sweetie, please?
Naomi Lapaglia[pauses]You wanna fuck me, Jordan? You wanna fuck me? Good. Go at it. Go ahead and fuck me. I want you to fuck me real hard. I want you to fuck me like it's the last fucking time. Come on.
Naomi LapagliaI mean that was the last time we ever have sex.
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Mark HannaWe don't start dialing at 9:30, because our clients are already answering the phone! 3... 2... 1, let's fuck!
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Jordan BelfortThe Quaalude, or lude, as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor - that's dots, not feathers - as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just fifteen minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing ludes, of course, and in 1982 the U.S. government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.
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Donnie Azoff[raves at Brad]You're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, not you!
Jordan BelfortMr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?
Mark HannaHow the fuck else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.
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Jordan BelfortLook, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took five years to finish high school. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved China man, thought jujitsu was in Israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to law school. I called him Rugrat because of his piece of shit hairpiece. Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.
Jordan BelfortHey, sweetheart! Does daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls, huh?
Naomi LapagliaOh no. No, daddy doesn't even get to touch mommy for a very, very, very long time.
Jordan BelfortDaddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room. He didn't mean any of it.
Naomi LapagliaDaddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on, it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan BelfortMmm, baby. Okay, mommy likes to play games with daddy. Mommy, have you ever noticed anything odd about Mr. Fuzzy Bear over there? His eyes seem to be a little bit odd, don't they? Yeah, there's something a little bit different about his eyes. Yes, I think it's true. Say hi, mommy!
[waves to security camera]
Jordan BelfortSay hi to Rocco and Rocco! Say hi! Hi, fellas!
Jordan Belfort[narration]Of all the fucking days, she chooses today to give me blue balls.
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Jordan Belfort[narration]Say what you will, but the Duchess did have style. She brought in a decorator, feng shui'd the whole place. She even hired a gay butler. This guy was smart, sophisticated, professional. Really, really great. Except for that one time.
Nicholas the ButlerOh, hey. Is it Wednesday already? Uh, what the fuck! That is fucked up!
Naomi Lapaglia[to Jordan after the incident]He must have thought we were still at the Hamptons this weekend, you know.
Jordan BelfortRight, right. Where were they doing it, sweetheart? In the bedroom?
Naomi LapagliaThey were everywhere! There were two guys over there on the table. There were more over here. There were four right here.
Jordan BelfortUgh! Are you fucking serious? Right there? Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart?
Naomi LapagliaBaby, it gets worse. After they left I checked the apartment.
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Jordan BelfortHer pussy was like heroin to me. And it wasn't just about the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I mean, we had similar interests and shit.
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Chester MingI can sell anything. Shit, I can sell lubes to a convent full of nuns, get 'em so horny they'll be fucking each other in the coffers.
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Jordan BelfortSo you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of fucking America!
Donnie AzoffOn new issue day? On cocksucking, motherfucking new issue day? This is what you do? Hey, everybody, listen up! This is what happens when you fuck with your pets on new issue day!
[Dangles the fish from the bowl by its tail and swallows it]
Donnie AzoffTake your little bowtie... Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my office. You understand?
Jordan BelfortAnd in the case of the telephone, it's up to each and every one of you, my highly-trained Strattonites. My killers, my killers who will not take no for an answer. My fucking warriors, who will not hang up the phone until their client either buys *or fucking dies!*
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Jordan Belfort25 grand to the first cocksucker to nail the bulls-eye!
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Jordan Belfort[offers pen to Chester]You can sell anything? Sell that. Sell me that pen.
Chester MingCan I finish eating first? I haven't eaten all day.
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Jordan BelfortYou be ferocious! You be relentless! You be telephone fucking terrorists! Now let's knock this motherfucker out of the park!
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Jordan BelfortBut before you depart this room full of winners, I want you to take a good look at the person next to you. Go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you're gonna be pulling up at a red light, in your beat-up old fucking Pinto, and that person's gonna be pulling up right alongside you in their brand new Porsche. With their beautiful wife by their side, who's got big voluptuous tits. And who're you gonna be sitting next to? Some disgusting wildebeest with three days of razor-stubble, in a sleeveless muumuu, crammed in next to you in a carload full of groceries from the fucking Price Club. That's who you're gonna be sitting next to!
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Jordan BelfortFYI boys, Danielle has promised to use this $10,000 for breast implants. She's already got C-cups, but now she wants FUCKIN' DOUBLE D'S!
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Jordan BelfortI felt horrible. Three days later, I filed for a divorce and moved Naomi into the apartment.
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Jordan BelfortI'm not ashamed to admit it. When we arrived to prison, I was absolutely terrified. But I needn't have been. See, for a brief fleeting moment, I'd forgotten I was rich and I lived in a place where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to learn how to sell it?
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Mark HannaSecond key to success in this racket is this little baby right here. It's called cocaine. It'll keep you sharp between the ears. It'll also help your fingers dial faster. And guess what? That's good for me.
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Mark Hanna[reacting to market crash]Holy... fucking... shit...
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Mark HannaWe don't give two shits about how technology works, 'cause all we care about is getting fucking RICH!
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Chester MingCan I have that Danish? I have a low blood sugar thyroid thing...
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Jordan BelfortEven more fucked was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me. Something about laundering drug money through offshore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki, you know the founder of Benihanna. Benihanna, Beni fucking hanna. Beni fucking hanna!. Why why why god, why would you be so cruel as to choose a chain of fucking hibachi restaurants to take me down!
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Jordan BelfortGentlemen, welcome to Stratton Oakmont. You snooks will now be targeting the wealthiest 1% of Americans. We're talking about whales here, Moby fucking Dicks. And with this script, which is your new harpoon, I'm gonna teach each and every one of you to be Captain fucking Ahab.
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Jordan BelfortWhat we're gonna do is this: first we pitch 'em Disney, AT&T, IBM, blue chip stocks exclusive. Companies these people know. Once we sucker them in, we unload the dog shit.
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Jordan BelfortMoney doesn't just buy you a better life - better food, better cars, better pussy - it also makes you a better person. You can give generously to the church or political party of your choice. You can save the fucking spotted owl with money.
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Jordan BelfortYou know, every time someone rises up in this world, there's always gonna be some asshole trying to drag 'em down.
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Jordan BelfortSo, Bay Ridge, that's near Staten Island, right?
Jordan BelfortExplains you. I mean, you're a duchess right, the Duchess of Bay Ridge.
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Manny RiskinListen to me, if you piss up the SEC's leg, you end up with your tits in a wringer.
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Jordan BelfortActually, the madness started on our very first day, when one of our brokers, Ben Jenner, christened the elevator by getting a blow job from the sales assistant. Her name was Pam and to her credit, she did have this amazing technique with this wild twisting jerk motion. About a month later, Donnie and I decided to double team her on a Saturday afternoon while our wives were out shopping for Christmas presents. Eventually Ben married her, which was pretty amazing, considering she blew every single guy in the office. Well, he got depressed and killed himself about three years later.
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Bo DietlHe's a Boy Scout! He thinks you're fuckin' Gordon Gekko.
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Jordan BelfortThis is our golden ticket to the fuckin' Chocolate Factory, right here. And I wanna meet Willy fuckin' Wonka, okay? I wanna be with the fuckin' Oompa Loompas!
Jordan BelfortRight! Exactly. In fact, you never did anything wrong in the first place. Turns out all the FBI really wants from me is to cooperate. You know? Turns out I have so much information about the stock market and Wall Street I can save the government years of heartache. Not to mention countless dollars.
Jordan BelfortBut it gets even better, baby. Because if I do decide to cooperate I might only looking at four short years. In which case, you know, we could start fresh. Maybe sell the house. And any fines that I have to pay wouldn't be due until after I've served my term, so we'd still have plenty of money leftover.
Jordan BelfortThe only thing that of course bummed me out a little bit about this whole idea is having to give information about my friends.
Naomi LapagliaWell, like you said there's no friends on Wall Street. Right?
Jordan BelfortRight! Right, exactly. So there's a silver lining to that too, honey. Because they said eventually everyone's going to have to give information on this case so at the end of the day it might not even be a factor.
Jordan BelfortIt was a madhouse, a greed fest, with equal parts cocaine, testosterone, and body fluids. It got so bad, I had to declare the office a fuck-free zone between the hours of 9 and 7.
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Patrick DenhamHey Jordan, let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!
Jordan BelfortAh, fuck you you fucking prick! I'm making an honest living, you motherfucker!
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Jordan BelfortOf course, after the bachelor party, me, the Duke, needed a few penicillin shots so he could safely consummate the marriage.
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Jordan BelfortI want to stay married, Dad, but it's crazy out there. Some of these girls, you should see them. Oh, my God. They're fuckin' - the things they're doing now, Pops, I mean, I mean, it's on a whole other level.
Jordan BelfortLet's go, Don. We got to get out of here, buddy. We got to get out of here, let's go fucking run! Let's run like we're fucking lions and tigers and bears! Let's go! Let's fucking run!