Pat
The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck.
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Pat Sr.
Let me tell you, I know you don't want to listen to your father, I didn't listen to mine, and I am telling you you gotta pay attention this time. When life reaches out at a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back, I'm telling you its a sin if you don't reach back! It'll haunt you the rest of your days like a curse. You're facing a big challenge in your life right now at this very moment, right here. That girl loves you she really really loves you. I don't know if Nicki ever did, but she sure as shit doesn't right now. So don't fuck this up.
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Pat
The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.
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Tiffany
I was a big slut, but I'm not anymore. There will always be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?
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Tiffany
I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!
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Tiffany
Why did you order raisin bran?
Pat
Why did you order tea?
Tiffany
Because you ordered raisin bran.
Pat
I ordered raisin bran because I didn't want there to be any mistaking it for a date.
Tiffany
It can still be a date if you order raisin bran.
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Tiffany
I opened up to you, and you judged me.
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[holding hands]
Pat
Wait, what's this?
Tiffany
I thought you were doing it.
Pat
I thought you were doing it.
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Pat
This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.
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Tiffany
Can we get through one fucking conversation without you reminding me that my goddamn husband's dead?
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Pat
How old are you?
Tiffany
Old enough to have a marriage end and not wind up in a mental hospital.
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Tiffany
Humanity is just nasty and there's no silver lining.
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Pat
You have poor social skills. You have a problem.
Tiffany
I have a problem? You say more inappropriate things than appropriate things.
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Tiffany
You know, I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I think that you might maybe be the worst thing. And I'm sorry that I ever met you.
Pat
Good for you. Come on, let's go dance.
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Tiffany
Hey!
Pat
What the fuck? I'm married!
Tiffany
So am I!
Pat
What the fuck are you doing? Your husband's dead!
Tiffany
Where's your wife?
Pat
You're crazy!
Tiffany
I'm not the one who just got out of that hospital in Baltimore.
Pat
I'm not the big slut!... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
Tiffany
I was a big slut, but I'm not any more. There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself fucker? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?
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Danny
Black it up, Pat.
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Pat
You look nice.
Tiffany
Thank you.
Pat
Oh, I'm not flirting with you.
Tiffany
Oh, I didn't think you were.
Pat
I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die?
[Tiffany looks shocked and sad]
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Tiffany
I'm just the crazy slut, with a dead husband! Fuck you!
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Pat
Hey, my friend Ronnie is having this party on Sunday night and it's like a real hoity-toity thing. And his wife Veronica is a real stickler for... I don't know. My mom got this Gap outfit she wants me to wear, but I want to wear a jersey that my brother Jake got me from the Eagles
Dr. Cliff Patel
Which jersey?
Pat
DeSean Jackson.
Dr. Cliff Patel
DeSean Jackson is the man.
Pat
Well, that settles that.
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Pat Sr.
Yeah, have Ernest Hemingway call us and apologize to us too.
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Tiffany
Not that I give a fuck about football or about your superstitions, but if it's me reading the signs, I don't send the Eagles guy whose personal motto is "Excelsior," to a fucking Giants game, especially when he's already in a legal situation.
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Tiffany
Listen, I haven't dated since before my marriage so I don't really remember how this works.
Pat
How what works?
Tiffany
I saw the way you were looking at me, Pat. You felt it, I felt it, don't lie. We're not liars like they are. I live in the addition around back, which is completely separate from my parents' house, so there's no chance of them walking in on us. I hate the fact that you wore a football jersey to dinner because I hate football, but you can fuck me if you turn the lights off, okay?
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Officer Keogh
Hey, aren't you Tommy's widow?
Tiffany
Yes, I'm Tommy's crazy whore widow. Minus the whore thing, for the most part.
Officer Keogh
You want to get a drink sometime?
[Tiffany turns around and walks away in disgust]
Pat
You shouldn't say that to her. She doesn't do that anymore.
Officer Keogh
What? What did I say?
Pat
She doesn't do that anymore.
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Pat
It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.
Tiffany
Wow.
Pat
She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.
Tiffany
It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.
[Tiffany turns and walks off]
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Tiffany
You know what, forget I offered to help you. Forget the entire fucking idea, because that must have been fucking crazy, because I'm so much CRAZIER than you!
Tiffany
I'm just the crazy slut with a dead husband!
Tiffany
[Tiffany laughs insanely]
Tiffany
[Tiffany sweeps everything off the table onto the floor]
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Older Waitress
Slow down, Raisin Bran!
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Tiffany
You might not of had experienced the shit that I did, but you loved hearing about it, didn't you? You're afraid to be alive, you're afraid to live. You're a conformist. You're a hypocrite. You're a liar. I opened up to you and you judged me!
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Tiffany
No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
Pat
You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
Tiffany
Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
Pat
I don't feel anything.
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Jordie
Hi, guys. How's it going? Hey. Is Tiffany home?
Tiffany's Mother
Go away.
Jordie
I know her. I know her, we've dated. We still date.
Pat
What are you doing here?
Jordie
I've called her, I've texted her.
Jordie
I still haven't heard back. We used to work together...
Tiffany's Father
Just get the hell out of here...
Jordie
I just wanted to give you my card to give to her.
Tiffany's Father
Another rude creep.
Pat
Listen to what he's saying. Listen to what he's saying.
Jordie
What's he saying?
Pat
He's saying you're being rude.
Jordie
How am I being rude?
Pat
Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it's okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun and it's not because they got a broken wing, and they're hurt, and they're an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure it gets mended. And you're gettin' in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive and she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that. Come on. Let me walk you down to your car. You're a better guy than this. I can see it in your eyes.
Jordie
She just texted me!
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Pat Sr.
[upon arriving at the hotel and seeing the professional dancers on the night of the competition]
Holy shit. Is this Dancing with the Stars?
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[to her sister and brother in law about Nikki being there]
Tiffany
You're killing me!
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Pat Sr.
...and I'll take that fucking camera and I'm gonna break it over your fuckin' head, then I'm gonna come back and interview you about what it's like to get that fuckin' camera broken over your head!
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Pat Sr.
I guess his sixth sense forgot to tell him the cops were coming.
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Tiffany
Calm down, Crazy.
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Ronnie
Oh, she's a mess. You gotta be careful. She goes to a lot of therapy.
Pat
I go to a lot of therapy, Ronnie. What are you trying to say?
Ronnie
I'm just saying.
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Dolores
It's game day. I'm making crabby snacks and homemades.
Pat
Yeah, come on, Dad, be nice. Come on, she's making crabby snacks and homemades!
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Pat
We have a very unconventional chemistry, it makes people feel awkward, but not me. Alright? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.
Tiffany
Wow.
Pat
She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.
Tiffany
It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.
[Tiffany turns and walks off]
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Dr. Cliff Patel
Will somebody please explain me the parlay, please?
Ronnie
You gotta win two bets or you lose the whole thing. For Pat Sr. to win, the Birds gotta beat the Cowboys, plus, Pat and Tiffany gotta get at least a 5 at the dance.
Dr. Cliff Patel
That's very, very manic, indeed.
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Tiffany
You are afraid to be alive. You are afraid to live. You're a hypocrite. You're a conformist. You're a liar. I opened up to you and you judged me. You're an asshole. YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! Get off of me! He's harassing me! HE'S HARASSING ME!
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Tiffany
You're not a standup guy today, Pat!
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Pat
Mom, can we stop at the library? I want to read Nikki's entire high school syllabus.
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[repeated line]
Pat Sr.
Have some respect for what I do.
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Pat
Nikki's waiting for me to get in shape and get my life back together. Then we're going to be together.
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Pat
I don't have an iPod. I don't have a phone. They don't let me make calls. I'm going to call Nikki.
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Dolores
I'm making crabby snacks and homemades.
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[repeated line]
Officer Keogh
You wanna go back to Baltimore?
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Pat
Can you play "Ride the Lightning" by Metallica?
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Pat Sr.
Here we are again at the one yard line. DeSean, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. There you go.
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Tiffany
It's the kids, it's the kids.
Tiffany
Honestly he didn't do anything.
Tiffany
It was all the kids.
Tiffany
They started it, he didn't do anything.
Tiffany
Come on man, come here.
Tiffany
What are you gonna do about that song? Huh?
Tiffany
You gonna go your whole life scared of that song?
Tiffany
It's a song. Don't make it a monster.
Tiffany
Come on, breathe. There's no song.
Tiffany
There's no song. There's no song playing.
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Officer Keogh
Do yourself a favour: respect a restraining order, ok?
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Ronnie
I got you an iPod.
Pat
Whoa! Is this for me?
Ronnie
Yeah. Well, that's my old iPod, but...
Pat
Oh, buddy, thank you. That's so nice of you. Wow.
Ronnie
Thirty-two gigabytes.
Pat
How many songs is that?
Ronnie
Seven thousand.
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