Kinoafisha Films Peter's Friends Peter's Friends Movie Quotes

Peter's Friends Movie Quotes

[offering to give Maggie a make-over]

Carol Maggie, you are a very pretty girl.

Maggie No, I'm not.

Carol Yes, you are.

Maggie No, I'm not.

Carol Yes! But you make Mother Teresa look like a hooker.

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Andrew So, how's the world of publishing?

Maggie Fine. Very busy.

Andrew Any news on the boyfriend front?

Maggie I was kind of seeing someone. An author.

Andrew And what happened?

Maggie He committed suicide.

Andrew Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...

Maggie It's alright. Honestly. Really. I didn't really like him very much. I liked him even LESS after he committed suicide.

Andrew How did he do it?

Maggie Threw himself off a building.

Andrew Eek.

Maggie Couldn't even do that properly. It was only a three-story building. He would have survived, only a car ran him over.

[Andrew chuckles]

Maggie It's not funny.

Andrew Oh, it is slightly funny, Maggie.

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[knocking on Peter's bedroom door in the middle of the night]

Maggie Fill me with your little babies!

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Peter Oh, how can I put this delicately? It's just that I'm not really in the vagina business.

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Andrew I think adults are just children who owe money.

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Carol I am not angry. I am just embarrassed. Is there anyone else down there you used to sleep with?

Andrew It was 10 years ago! Christ, 10 years ago, you were married to someone else.

Carol That is not the point. I did not try to keep it a secret.

Andrew I didn't try and keep it a secret. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Carol Didn't think it was worth mentioning? You were ENGAGED to that FUCK-MONSTER down there and you didn't think it was worth MENTIONING?

Andrew No, I didn't!

Carol So she WAS a fuck-monster.

Andrew I did NOT say that!

Carol You did not DENY it!

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Carol You know what I hate the most about being a public figure?

Andrew What?

Carol The public.

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Maggie [explaining her disastrous come-on to Peter] I went upstairs and threw my clothes off.

Carol That's direct. What'd he say?

Maggie [beginning to sob] He said he wasn't in the vagina business.

Carol [taken aback] That's direct too... Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?

Maggie Yes. He slept with Sarah!

Carol Oh, there's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?

Maggie No, they just had a brief affair.

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Maggie How's Ben?

Mary Charleston [as if introducing herself at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting] My name is Mary, I'm an overprotective mother, and I've only phoned twice, today, and he's fine.

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Peter [beginning voice-over] There are some friends you will have for the rest of your life. You're welded together by love, trust, respect, or loss. Or in our case, simple embarrassment.

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Andrew I was just sitting here trying to work out *exactly* how I ruined my life.

Sarah You think you're in trouble? I just tried to fuck a six-year-old.

Andrew [laughs] You know, it's like - kindergarten, school, university, Black Hole.

Sarah It's not that bad.

Andrew Oh, yes, it is. In fact, it's SLIGHTLY worse than that.

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[Peter shows Andrew the play that the pair were working on before Andrew moved to the States]

Andrew [pointing at the page] That's still a good joke.

Peter [looking over] What is?

Andrew [reading from the page] I've never fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times.

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Peter It's not going exactly as I planned.

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Peter [to Andrew] Did you bring a surfboard?

Andrew No, that's just Carol.

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Roger Ben, please. Play with the tractor that cost Daddy £40, not the box it came in.

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Andrew [Pointing to Peter's belly] And what's all this then?

Peter It's called a pot-belly, Andrew. We have those in England, along with culture.

Andrew Ah!

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Carol Do you have any Equal?

Peter I'm sorry, I'm famous for having no equal.

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Andrew [Struggling with Carol's suitcase] What the fuck have you got in here? Weights?

Carol Yes.

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Peter I believe I am what is commonly termed bisexual, which is by the by because actually I no longer sleep with men or women. But if I did, I promise you, you'd be right up there on my wish list, together with Michelle Pfeiffer and... River Phoenix.

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Carol [giving Vera a £5 note as a bribe] Why don't you do me a baked potato, steam me a few carrots and grill me a piece of chicken without the skin?

Vera , Paul's Mom [returning the £5 note] Why don't you go down to the shops, buy whatever you want and cook it yourself?

Carol Did you never see "Upstairs, Downstairs"?

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Peter I can think of no finer, fluffier, shinier people to see in the new year with than with your good selves.

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Sarah We can't all have our lives figured out as well as you do.

Andrew I didn't say I had my life figured out, I said I had YOUR life figured out, love.

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Andrew [at the height of his drunken fury] Why the fuck did you invite me eh? You know, why the fuck any of us? Why this year, not any other bloody year? Is it because all our fucking lives are in such an optimum fucking mess that it needs Peter the Saviour to send us out on the world on New Year's Day, resurrected and directed? Because I'm here to tell you if that's your aim, my old fruit, from bitter fucking experience it hasn't worked!

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[Peter has explained to Carol that she and Andrew are in his room, and should be in the one next to it]

Carol If this was my house, I'd want the best room too.

[Picks up one bag]

Carol Andrew, bags!

[She leaves]

Andrew She's fine when she's asleep

Carol [from hallway] I heard that!

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Carol Thank you very much for dinner, Peter. I enjoyed watching it.

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Andrew I can't believe Sarah. She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking!

Carol You should know!

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Sarah It could have been worse.

Andrew Yes, Sarah. It could have been worse. They could have attached electrodes to our genitals.

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Peter How long have you been married now?

Andrew Almost three years.

Peter Quite a long time for Hollywood, isn't it?

Andrew Yeah.

Peter Don't you get some kind of a plaque?

Andrew Yes. We stay together five years I get a free hair transplant and she gets a new set of breasts.

Peter What, so she'll have four?

Andrew Yes, but her agent gets one.

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Peter And you know, when you think about it, that's exactly what happens to us when we're born. We're dropped down a random chimney and we have to get on with the strangers we find there. Typical Chesterton there to describe a chimney as a kind of uterus.

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Sarah I'm disappointed in you. You used to be so romantic.

Andrew Yeah, well now I'm rheumatic.

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Sarah You'll probably be stuck with that Joan Collins impersonator for the rest of your life!

Andrew You're talking about the woman I almost love.

Sarah God, I've never seen anyone wear more makeup! How does she take it off? With a chisel?

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Andrew Oh, the fucking underground song! What a piece of shit! Who wrote that?

Roger Guilty.

Andrew I've always loved that song.

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Peter [to Vera] I do wish you'd please try as a personal favour to me not to be quite so... *Gothic* to my friends.

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Peter It's funny, with both my parents gone, I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to act maturely.

Andrew Oh, well, I don't think anybody really matures. Adults are just children who owe money.

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[Carol is exercising vigorously on the kitchen floor]

Maggie What are you doing?

Carol Donkey kicks. I've eaten every thing in the place, and I'm trying to work it off before morning. I used to be bulimic. A year ago, I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up. I'm much healthier now!

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Andrew It's New Year's fucking Eve! Even the pope has a drink on New Year's Eve.

Sarah The pope doesn't get unpleasant.

Andrew Am I unpleasant anyone?

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Carol I was married to a Bisexual.

Maggie What happened?

Carol He left me. For another woman, the ultimate put down.

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Mary Charleston Ben's fine.

Andrew [In a blind, drunken stupour] Oh, can't you let one fucking hour go by without ringing the fucking baby sitter?

Roger She's concerned about our child, Andrew! No need to be aggressive.

Andrew [Sneers] Was that Roger the jingle writer? Did she speak?

[Snickers drunkenly]

Roger I'd rather be Roger the jingle writer than Andrew the miserable bastard! I've never understood you. You'd like to think it was Hollywood but you were like this ten years ago.

Andrew Like what?

Roger Self-loathing!

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Peter [Andrew is furiously drunk and spewing hateful comments at everyone, causing arguments between the others] Look, look, it's two minutes to midnight... can we please just try to be nice to each other?

Andrew Yeah, yeah, let's try to be nice to each other. Cause it's New Year's fucking Eve, isn't it? New Year's fucking Eve, in Peter's fucking mansion, where Peter gets to be the lord of the manor, and I get to regret ever leaving England!

Peter Andrew I know this isn't you speaking, this is 'drunk you'.

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Sarah [Sarah is telling Peter about catching Maggie with Paul] There they are, in bed, together!

Peter With Maggie on top?

Sarah Like she was in a rodeo!

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Maggie Your overreaction, though understandable, is an overreaction.

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[Andrew has been ranting drunkenly at great length. Then Peter shocks his friends by telling them that he is HIV-positive, making Andrew's problems seem small by comparison]

Andrew I am an absolute dribbling arsehole. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Peter. Oh, Peter!

[Andrew hugs Peter]

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Carol [doing aerobics] I could FEEL the cellulite building up on me on the plane. I wonder if any airlines have planes with gyms ON them.

Andrew It's funny. I was gonna suggest we flew Gym Air, but I thought you'd prefer a plane with a seat.

Carol I think a gym on a plane is a GOOD idea.

Andrew And that's what makes you, you, darling.

Carol Now, you promised you'd be nicer to me on this trip.

Andrew That's cuz I thought we'd be getting away from it all. I didn't realize you were gonna bring it all with you.

Carol You'd love me less if I were fat.

Andrew [hesitates, about to speak, sighs] I think I'll take a walk.

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Peter It's awful. With glimpses.

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Brian, Sarah's Escort [Amazing Performance] Now do the Coffee Jingle!

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Andrew It's shit with a capital "sh".

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Andrew Now I don't know what this is about, but if I have something unfortunate hanging out of my nose and no one's told me, you're in big trouble.

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Andrew We went down about as well as a turd souffle.

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Andrew Carol will be down in a minute. She's just gluing her hair on.

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[Carol, Maggie, Peter and Andrew are listening to the squeaking from upstairs, which they presume is Sarah and Brian, when Sarah arrives in the kitchen]

Sarah Hi, guys.

[the others turn to face Sarah]

Peter Now, that's what I call an extremely long dick.

Andrew Well, if it isn't Sarah, is it us?

Maggie It can only be Roger and Mary!

Peter I assume they must have resolved their differences last night.

Andrew [telephone rings] This is the acid test

[Squeaking stops for a few seconds, before resuming]

Andrew Darlings!

Peter Well, if you'll excuse me, I better go!

[Exits]

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[Paul, Brian and the chauffeur have brought Carol's bags into the room]

Carol [handing some money to the chauffeur] Thank you.

The Benson's Chauffeur [accepts the money] Thank you, madam.

[leaves]

Carol [handing some money to Paul] Thank you.

Paul [accepts the money] Oh, Ta.

[Leaves]

Carol [holding out some money to Brian] Thank you.

Brian, Sarah's Escort [holding his hands up] No, no, I'm a guest.

Carol [puzzled] A guest? Then, why did you carry my bags?

Brian, Sarah's Escort I don't know.

[Leaves]

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Carol [when offered wine] Oh, none for me and none for him.

[she points to her husband, Andrew]

Carol We're A.A.

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Roger Just one of those audience that enjoy it later, you know. They'll get home and think 'yes, I rather enjoyed it'.

Andrew Oh will they? Well should we give them our individual telephone numbers then?

Peter [Sarcastic] I for one should expect dozens of phone calls that said I looked bored shitless throughout the evening, that in reflection, Roger was right! I had a fantastic time!

Roger You two are so cynical.

Andrew I think we should hire a lawyer and sue that audience!

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Peter We've only got the three days, Maggie. It would be nice to make it into the house at some stage.

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