Paint Your Wagon Movie Quotes
Mrs. Fenty
You should read the Bible, Mr. Rumson.
Ben Rumson
I have read the Bible, Mrs. Fenty.
Mrs. Fenty
Didn't that discourage you about drinking?
Ben Rumson
No, but it sure killed my appetite for readin'!
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Elizabeth
Did you know that the Fenty's had an apple farm back in Pennsylvania?
Ben Rumson
Apple jack, huh?
Mr. Fenty
No, sir, we did not make apple jack!
Ben Rumson
Then, what did you grow the apples for?
Mr. Fenty
Mr. Rumson, do you think that everything that comes out of the earth should be used to make liquor?
Ben Rumson
Whenever possible, yes.
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Ben
You was down at the rapids just now, bare beam and buck naked?
Elizabeth
Well, I'm not like to take a bath with my clothes on, Mr. Rumson.
Ben
Are you trying to tell me that you was taking a *bath*?
Elizabeth
That's right. I was taking a bath.
Ben
In the middle of the night?
Elizabeth
Mr. Rumson, in a community of 400 men, would you rather I took my bath "bare beam and buck naked" in the middle of the day?
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Horace Tabor
Wait a minute! You can't buy a woman for money.
Mad Jack Duncan
You just try and get one without it.
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Parson
Ye godless jaspers! Who are ya? Freemasons? Rosicrucians? Heathen emissaries from the depths of Babylon? Boozers! Gluttons! Gamblers! Fornicators!
Steve Bull
Whassa fornicator?
Haywood Holbrook
I dunno. I ain't a religious man.
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Rumson
She's picked up a bad case of the respectabilities. And in just a few days from now, that poor woman's going to be burnin' up in a fever of virtue. And then LOOK OUT.
Pardner
Why?
Rumson
Pardner, it's been my experience that there ain't nothin' more ruthless and treacherous than a genuine good woman.
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Mad Jack Duncan
All right.
[grabs Jacob Woodling by the beard]
Mad Jack Duncan
What about it Mormons?
Sarah Woodling
[whispering]
Jacob. We need every penny, Jacob. And I can't bear another day of those martyred looks. There. There it is again!
Elizabeth
This isn't a martyred look, Sarah. This look is puuuure - hatred.
Jacob Woodling
Quiet! Brigham Young has twenty seven wives and he hasn't had half the trouble with them that I've had with the two of you!
Elizabeth
Then simplify your life, Jacob. Sell me.
Jacob Woodling
But Elizabeth: you don't know what you'll get.
Elizabeth
I know what I've had.
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Pardner
You're diggin' a hole.
Mad Jack
Hey, you don't miss a trick, do yah?
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Pardner
Where I come from, Mr. Rumson, we're cautious of strangers who talk in an easy manner.
Rumson
Oh. You've got me down as some kind of low scuff from New Orleans, hm? Sell you patent medicine with one hand, pinch your purse with the other?
Pardner
Matter of fact, that's kind of what I was thinkin'.
Rumson
As a matter of fact, Pardner, you're right. But I ain't yet sunk to horse stealin'. Oh, I've salted claims, yeah. And I've sold whiskey to Injuns. And once a man in Walla Walla come at me with a gun and I killed him. I can't think of one commandment I ain't shattered regular. I never did fancy my mother and father, let alone respect 'em or honor 'em. And I have coveted my neighbor's wife - whenever I had a neighbor and he had a wife, mm, mmm! And I gamble and I cheat at cards, but there's one thing I do not do. I ain't never gulled a pardner. The one sacred thing, even to low scuff like me, is a man's pardner.
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Pardner
[When Ben sees Pardner riding a horse with Elizabeth, he punches him to the ground, pulls a gun on him then threatens to tear him apart]
Ben, what the hell's the matter with you?
Ben Rumson
What was the two of you doin' on the same horse?
Pardner
Ridin', what else would we be doin' on a horse? And it'd be the last place I'd...
Ben Rumson
Where was her horse?
Pardner
That was her horse.
Pardner
You... had my horse.
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Ben Rumson
Pardner, there comes a time when the party of the first part has no recourse but to knock some sense into the party of the second part! You're stayin'!
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Ben Rumson
Grace, I give you the boy. Give me back the man.
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Ben Rumson
There's two kinds of people, them goin' somewhere and them goin' nowhere. And that's what's true.
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Ben Rumson
Howdy Parson, welcome to HELL!
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[shouted from clifftop to riverbed and back, very slowly]
Steve Bull
IS... THEY... DEAD...?
Ben Rumson
THEY... BETTER... BE... CAUSE... I'M... GONNA... BURY 'EM!
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[Partner has decided to remain behind with the settlers]
Ben Rumson
You say something nice to her for me, Par... What the hell is your name anyway?
Partner
It's Sylvester Newel. Yeah, just one 'l'.
Ben Rumson
Sylvester Newel. Well, that's a good name for a farmer.
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[Ben and Partner are walking through the mining camp]
Ben Rumson
Hi, Willy! How're things goin'?
'Rotten Luck'Willie
I ain't won a hand in two weeks.
Ben Rumson
(to Partner) They call him 'Rotten Luck' Willie. You couldn't beat him with five aces.
Pardner
Oh, I don't gamble.
Ben Rumson
Neither does he.
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Rumson
I'm an ex-citizen of nowhere, and sometimes I get mighty homesick.
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Horace Tabor
Is it your proposal, Mr. Rumson, that we knock out the stage driver, steal a coach, and kidnap six women?
Ben Rumson
Sounds better every time I hear it.
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Parson
[when some travelers have been newly rescued from hunger and cold]
Rumson, I am entering your house to pray for the unfortunate victims.
Ben Rumson
Not tonight Parson, these folks have suffered enough. Now why don't you do that outside where God can hear you better, 'cause I'll be talking in here.
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Mr. Fenty
Horton, how did that bottle get in your pocket? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING HARD LIQUOR?
Horton
Well, since this afternoon. I know you don't approve, Pop, but believe me, until you've had a good cigar and a shot of whiskey, you're missing the second and third best things in life.
Rumson
Horton!
Pardner
Where'd you take him, Ben?
Elizabeth
Damn you, Ben Rumson. What are you going to teach this boy next? How to cheat at cards, or just physical education with one of Willie's floozies?
Horton
That's the best one, Pop!
Rumson
Horton!
Elizabeth
Is that what you did today, Ben?
Rumson
That's what *he* did today, Elizabeth! I tell you, that boy's got a talent for dissipation that is absolutely unique!
[Horton beams]
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Miner
Hey, Ben! These men came all the way from Fiddler's Camp, just to see your wife.
Ben Rumson
Well, looks like I married myself a tourist attraction.
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Ben Rumson
Now, don't tell me you've never been with a woman.
Horton
No, sir I haven't.
Ben Rumson
Well, that, that's terrible! Did you know you could go blind?
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Haywood Holbrook
Dearly beloved. We have gathered together to grant this man, Ben Rumson, exclusive title to this woman, Mrs. Elizabeth Woodling, and to all her mineral resources. I have drawn up this Record of Claim which here and henceforth will be recognized as a certificate of marriage. So I ask you Ben, do you recognize this claim as a contract of marriage and do you take this woman to love honor and cherish?
Haywood Holbrook
Elizabeth Woodling, do you take this man, Ben Rumson, to love, honor and obey him until death do you part.
Pardner
She does.
Haywood Holbrook
I now pronounce you claimed and filed as Mr. and Mrs. Ben Rumson.
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Elizabeth
I lived with a man who had two wives. Why can't a woman have two husbands?
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Horton
[in a gambling hall/whorehouse]
Pardon me, sir, could you lend me ten dollars?
Pardner
Why don't you go home and go to bed?
Horton
I was thinking of doing it the other way around.
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Mad Jack Duncan
I don't give a bloody damn how a man prays!
Mad Jack Duncan
There's enough room in hell for all of us!
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Pardner
[Horace Tabor has opposed Ben's plan to kidnap the French prostitutes]
Horace is right,Ben ! We can't bring them women here. Why, you bring them here and the next thing you know, you got to build a place for them to stay, people will be coming in from all over and they'll need somewhere to stay. Schermehorn and these other merchants will have to stock up on suplies to sell. Then Willie will have to open a saloon or two with gambling and drinkin'. Why before you know it, this place will be a boom town and we don't want that!
Ben
[winking at Partner]
Your right, Partner. I never thought of it that way. Why you can't expect people to put up with that! I apologize, boys; I never thought of what might happen if we bring in those five French tarts!
'Rotten Luck'Willie
[smiling]
I call for a vote on Ben's proposal! Any man who votes against it is a traitor!
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Pardner
Ben, how's married life?
Ben Rumson
Pardner, it was so good that I forgot that I was married.
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[On the fact that the Mormon settler has two wives]
Mad Jack
I got no quarrel with 'ow a man prays; there's enough room in 'ell for all of us! Wot I don't like is that you got two of somethin' the rest of us got none of!
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Ben Rumson
You mean to tell me you ain't never had a woman neither?
Horton
No, sir.
Ben Rumson
This is serious. You know you could go blind? Come here.
[to 'Rotten Luck' Willie]
Ben Rumson
Willie, if a young man was goin' trappin' for the first time and wanted a guide, somebody who would be patient with him and show him the way things are to be done; what kind of guide would you choose?
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Ben Rumson
Is they dead? They better be cause I'm fixin' to bury em'!
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[the saloon starts collapsing]
Rumson
Let's get out of here, I think this place is drunk!
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Rumson
Hey, Willie, were's the future father of our country?
'Rotten Luck'Willie
Oh, he'll be along as soon as his parents go to sleep.
Rumson
Could you tell him that I want to see him?
'Rotten Luck'Willie
Leave your room door open at wait your turn like everyone else.
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Mad Jack Duncan
You tell no one about what we're doing here, you get me? If you so much as breath a word about this, I'll put a stick of dynamite in your mouth, do you get me?
Horton
I swear before God...
Mad Jack Duncan
I said no one!
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Rumson
You show me in them commandments where it says a woman cain't have two husbands.
Pardner
There AIN'T no commandment like that.
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[Introduction to the song "They Call the Wind Mariah"]
Mad Jack Duncan
It's a living hell up here. What with the bloody rain, the bloody loneliness, and that bloody, bloody wind.
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Horton
Mr. Rumson, I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. I hope that means except my father and mother.
Ben Rumson
That means especially your father and mother.
Horton
But I've never kept anything from them before.
Ben Rumson
Well, it's time you started. Because when you do, a whole new world opens up.
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Pardner
What happens when you get in a fight?
Rumson
Well, if four of anything come at me at one time, you might lend a fist. Up until that I can pretty well take care of myself.
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'Rotten Luck'Willie
[singing]
Away out here they got a name, for rain and wind and fire. The rain is Tess, the fire Joe and they call the wind Maria!
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Pardner
You said she was in love with me.
Ben Rumson
Didn't you say you loved him?
Elizabeth
Yes, l did, and l do.
Pardner
You just said you were in love with Ben.
Elizabeth
Yes, l did, and l am.
Pardner
Ben, do you get that feeling you need a drink?
Ben Rumson
How did you know?
Pardner
Cos l do, too.
Ben Rumson
But, Pardner, you don't drink.
Pardner
No, but l'm changing.
Ben Rumson
And it takes a woman to do it.
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Mad Jack Duncan
[stop shoveling]
Then, where is he?
Ben Rumson
He's at home tonight.
Mad Jack Duncan
What's he doing home?
Ben Rumson
[stops shoveling]
Damn you, Mad Jack! You keep a civil tongue in your mouth or, so help me...
Foster
Hey, you can hit him later.
Mad Jack Duncan
He's right - you can hit me later.
Clendennon
And I'll remind you. Dig!
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Foster
[after being woken by Mad Jack]
Here, what the hell's happening?
Mad Jack Duncan
[resumes shoveling]
We're going to tunnel in under Willie's place.
Foster
After some of that gold dust under Willie's floor, eh?
Mad Jack Duncan
[stops shoveling]
How in Hell did you know that?
Foster
Well, I've been thinking about that for weeks.
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Ben Rumson
I always knew you had a farmer's mentality.
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Chorus
[the hijacked stage coach carrying six prostitutes is approaching No Name City. The completely male population is scrubbing up in the creek and singing] There's a coach comin' in and you're smellin' like a steer.
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