Love and Death Movie Quotes
Sonja
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
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Countess Alexandrovna
You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris
Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
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[last lines]
Boris
The question is: have I learned anything about life? Only that... only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that the worst you can say about Him is that, basically, He's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. The key here, I think, is to... to not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, you know, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye.
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Boris
Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...
Sonja
What did you say?
Boris
Oh, I was just planning my future.
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Sonja
Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris
Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
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Pierre
So who is to say what is moral?
Sonja
Morality is subjective.
Pierre
Subjectivity is objective.
Sonja
Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
Pierre
Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
Sonja
Can we not talk about sex so much?
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Napoleon
This is an honor for me.
Boris
No, it's a greater honor for me.
Napoleon
No, a greater honor for me.
Boris
No, it's a greater honor for me.
Napoleon
No, a greater honor for ME.
Boris
Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.
Napoleon
And you must be Don Francisco's sister.
Sonja
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
Napoleon
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
Sonja
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
Boris
No, it's a greater honor for me.
Napoleon
I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.
Boris
She's a great kidder.
Sonja
No, you're a great kidder.
Boris
No, you're Don Francisco's sister.
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Sonja
Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?
Boris
Well, murder is immoral.
Sonja
Immorality is subjective.
Boris
Yes but subjectivity is objective.
Sonja
Not in any rational scheme of perception.
Boris
Perception is irrational, it implies immanence.
Sonja
But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.
Boris
Yeah, I've said that many times.
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Sonja
You were my one great love.
Boris
Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.
Sonja
What's it like?
Boris
What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.
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Boris
If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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[Boris is standing, looking at Napoleon, who's lying unconcious on the floor]
Boris
If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.
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Death
You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again.
Young Boris
Don't bother.
Death
It's no bother.
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Drill Sergeant
One, two. One, two. One, two.
Boris
Three is next, if you're having any trouble.
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Mother
He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines.
Boris
Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.
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Boris
Sonja, are you scared of dying?
Sonja
Scared is the wrong word. I'm frightened of it.
Boris
That's an interesting distinction.
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Sonja
Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
Boris
Ohh, I wish you weren't.
Sonja
Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.
Boris
Poor Sonja.
Sonja
For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room
Boris
Why? What's in his room? Oh...
Sonja
And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...
Boris
Okay!
Sonja
Wait, I'm still on the A's.
Boris
How many lovers do you have?
Sonja
In the mid-town area?
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Soldier
He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris
Yeah, what did you do, place?
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Boris
Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.
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Inbedkov
[preparing for duel]
We'll do it now... and to the death.
Boris
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.
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Sonja
There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There's love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son...
Boris
Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.
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Boris
Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
Sonja
Of course there's a God! We're made in His image!
Boris
You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think He wears glasses?
Sonja
Not with those frames.
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Gen. Leveque
They call me mad, but one day when the history of France is written, they will mark my name well... Sidney Applebaum!
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[Boris and his father speak in Dostoevsky references]
Father
Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?
Boris
Yeah.
Father
He killed two ladies.
Boris
What a nasty story.
Father
Bobak told it to me. He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers.
Boris
He must have been possessed.
Father
Well, he was a raw youth.
Boris
Raw youth, he was an idiot!
Father
He acted assaulted and injured.
Boris
I heard he was a gambler.
Father
You know, he could be your double!
Boris
Really, how novel.
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Drill Sergeant
From now on you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine!
Boris
Yes, sir! How will I tell the difference?
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Boris
In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.
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Boris
If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?
Sonja
What do you think the odds are?
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[comforting her husband on his deathbed]
Sonja
I know I could have been a better wife to you... kinder. I could have made love with you more often... or once, even.
Leon Voskovec
Once would have been nice.
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Napoleon
Do you find me attractive as a man?
Sonja
Yes, I think that's your best bet.
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Sonja
Violence is justified in the service of mankind.
Boris
Who said that?
Sonja
Attila the Hun.
Boris
You're quoting a Hun to me?
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Boris
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
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Napoleon
I heard you speaking to someone.
Sonja
Oh, I was praying.
Napoleon
But I heard TWO voices.
Sonja
Well, I do both parts.
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Boris
There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!
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Countess Alexandrovna
Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?
Boris
I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.
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Soldier
Oh, God is testing us.
Boris
If He's gonna test us, why doesn't He give us a written?
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Boris
[about their plan to murder Napoleon]
... I know, but murder, the most foul of all crimes. And not just abstract murder like shooting an unknown enemy on the battlefield, but standing in a closed room with a live human being and pulling the trigger, face to face. And a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns more than I do... My God, you figure Napoleon has gotta be good for 10,000 francs a week... That's minimum. That's without tips or extras. Nothing like that. And me, what am I? He's a great man. He thinks like the superman, and I'm just a worm, an insect... some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin! You know, you can stop me!
Sonja
I will when I disagree.
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[first lines]
Boris
How I got into this predicament I'll never know. Absolutely incredible. To be executed for a crime I never committed. Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat? Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.
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Father Andre
I have lived for 87 years, and the best thing in the World is... Blonde 12 year-old girls!
Sonja
Father!
Father Andre
Two of them, whenever possible.
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Soldier
The idea is not to panic and run... then they shoot you in the back.
Soldier
I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris?
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Sonja
Boris, you can't be serious, you're talking about Mother Russia.
Boris
She's not my mother. My mother's standing right here, and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.
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Sonja
I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds.
Boris
It's certainly the most expensive.
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Sergeant
If they kill more Russians, they win. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.
Boris Grushenko
What do we win?
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[Sonja meets Ivan's widow in church]
Anna
You're praying for Ivan?
Sonja
Yes. Your husband, I loved him, as you know.
Anna
I wanted you to have some of his possessions.
Sonja
How kind.
Anna
I kept his sword and gold watch... but here, I'm giving you his mustache.
Sonja
I'll cherish it.
Anna
Also some string. Ivan saved string.
Sonja
I know. It was one of the reasons why I loved him.
Anna
I understand that. I loved him for his string, too.
Sonja
Anything else for me?
Anna
I thought we should divide his letters. Do you want the vowels or the consonants?
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Countess Alexandrovna
You're disgusting, but I love you.
Boris
Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.
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Natasha
I never want to marry, I just want to get divorced.
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Sonja
He kissed me.
Boris
Any place I should know about?
Sonja
He warmed the cockles of my heart.
Boris
That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.
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Boris
Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...
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Boris
Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?
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Boris
Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance.
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Napoleon
If this pastry is to bear my name, it must be richer. More cream.
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Sonja
Boris is trying to commit suicide - last week he contemplated inhaling next to an Armenian.
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Napoleon
I'll go to your room.
Sonja
Good, I'll go to yours.
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Napoleon
I wonder if you would be more difficult to conquer than Russia?
Sonja
Well, I weigh less.
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Boris
[composing poetry]
"I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas... " Too sentimental!
[crumples up paper and throws it in the fire]
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Pierre
I must have you.
Sonja
No, no. Not here, not on the piano. It's a rented piano.
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Pierre
Your skin, it is so beautiful!
Sonja
Yes, I know. It covers my whole body.
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Sergeant
Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon and forced to live under French rule. Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces?
Soldiers
No...!
Sergeant
Do you want them to have soufflé every meal and croissant?
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Anton Inbedkov
Shall we say pistols at dawn?
Boris Grushenko
Well, we can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it.
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Second
[to both Boris and Count Inbedkov]
Starting back to back, on my signal you will walk ten paces, turn and fire. Is that clear?
Inbedkov
Of course.
Boris
Of course.
Second
Good luck. And God be with you both.
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Boris
You're a tyrant, and a dictator, and you start wars!
Napoleon
Why is he reciting my credits?
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Pierre
What would you think if I told you you were one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen?
Sonja
I'd think what a mad fool he is.
Pierre
And what would you think if I suddenly put my arms around you?
Sonja
I'd think what a mad impetuous fool he is.
Pierre
And what would you think if I kissed you?
Sonja
I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.
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Vladimir Maximovitch
Why, thank you.
Boris
Vladimir Maximovich, you're alive!
Vladimir Maximovitch
No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.
Boris
Does it hurt?
Vladimir Maximovitch
I feel nothing.
Boris
You don't look so bad for a guy who is dead. Actually, better when you were alive.
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Napoleon
Shall we to the bed?
Sonja
Shall we WHAT to the bed?
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Boris
That night, as I was burying bodies, I had another mystical experience. Mercifully, God was on our side. It could have gone a lot worse if he wasn't. It might have rained.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Grushenko!
Boris
Vladimir Maximovitch. You're alive.
Vladimir Maximovitch
No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.
Boris
Oh, does it hurt?
Vladimir Maximovitch
I feel nothing.
Boris
You don't look so bad for a guy who's dead. I think it agrees with you.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Listen, do me a favor.
Boris
Anything.
Vladimir Maximovitch
This engagement ring, I was gonna give it to my girlfriend. A surprise.
Boris
You want me to give it to her?
Vladimir Maximovitch
No, what's the point? Take it back to the jeweler's in Smolensk. Vladimir Petroshnik. Tell him I'm dead and get a refund.
Boris
OK. What did you give him for this?
Vladimir Maximovitch
100 rubles.
Boris
For this you gave him 100 rubles?
Vladimir Maximovitch
This is a diamond with two baguettes...
Boris
This is insane! I could have gotten you this ring for 50 rubles.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Never that ring. Never.
Boris
The exact same ring.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Anyway. Listen, take the deposit. Go to Kiev.
Boris
Right.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Give it to a woman, Natasha Petrovna.
Boris
Right. OK.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Get a receipt. Make sure you get a receipt.
Boris
Why do you need that? You're dead.
Vladimir Maximovitch
Tax purposes.
Boris
Oh! Good thinking.
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Boris
Where did you go to finishing school, on a pirate ship?
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Anton
If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.
Boris
If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.
Anton
*I* am a man.
Boris
Well, I mean a much shorter man.
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Sonja
Don Francisco?
Don Francisco
Pardon me?
Sonja
I'm having trouble adjusting my belt. Do you think you could come over here and hold my bosom for a while?
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Boris
I can't shower with other men.
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Boris
[Critiquing the Hygiene Play]
I was never interested, though the soldier delivered his lines with gusto, and the woman had a delightful cameo rôle. A droll satire of contemporary mores. A puckish spoof aimed more at the heart than the head!
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Anton
Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?
Boris
I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five.
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Boris
I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
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Boris
We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.
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[Boris is bothered by thoughts of suicide]
Boris
Something's missing.
Doctor
What?
Boris
I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being.
Doctor
What kind of void?
Boris
Well... an empty void.
Doctor
An empty void?
Boris
Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate.
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Sonja
That is so jejune!
Boris
Jejune? You have the temerity to accuse me of quoting to you out of jejunosity? I'm the most june person there is!
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Anton Inbedkov
Boris you have spared me! I am filled with inspiration! I will take up, as I did in my youth, the art of singing! Fa la la la!
Boris
Great voice, eh? I should have shot him.
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Gen. Lecoq
Now men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough before going into battle, we would like to show you this little hygiene play.
[the actors step forward and the play begins]
Woman hygiene class
Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.
Soldier
I did. I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip? I better see the doctor.
[He steps to his right and another actor stands up]
Soldier
Doc, I have this sore on my lip.
Doctor
You have a social disease my friend.
Soldier
Oh my God!
Doctor
If you do not treat it, you will go blind... Or insane!
[Applause]
Gen. Lecoq
Well men, that is the end of the play. Have a good time on your furlough and take care of yourselves.
Soldier
Well, what did you think of the play?
Boris
Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head.
Soldier
As for me I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel. Care to come with me?
Boris
No, I went to a brothel once in my life. I got hiccups you know, it was over like that.
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Boris
Of course there was Old Gregor and his son Young Gregor. Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son was older than Old Gregor. Nobody could figure out how that happened. And everytime I asked they'd slap me.
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Sergeant
And now we're going to see a little hygiene play.
Woman hygiene class
Goodbye. I hope you had a good time!
Soldier
Oh yes, I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip. I'd better get that checked. Doctor, I have this sore on my lip.
Doctor
You have a social disease! If you don't treat it you'll go blind! Or insane!
[Thunderous applause]
Sergeant
Have a good furlough everyone, and look after yourselves!
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[Struck by lightning, Old Nehamkin is a pile of ashes]
Mother
What is it, Old Nehamkin? You are not looking well.
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Boris
And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.
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Countess Alexandrovna
My bedroom at midnight?
Boris
Perfect. Will you be there too?
Countess Alexandrovna
Naturally.
Boris
Until midnight then.
Countess Alexandrovna
[presses his hand to her bosom]
Midnight.
Boris
Make it a quarter to twelve.
Countess Alexandrovna
Midnight.
Boris
But of course.
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[Boris must fight a duel in the morning]
Sonja
Uh... this Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot isn't he?
Boris
I'm afraid so.
Sonja
Well, since this may be your last night on Earth, let's go back to my room and make love.
Boris
Oh... nice idea! I'll bring the soy sauce.
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Gen. Leveque
Then, I'll sail to Austria, and form an alliance with the crown. Not the king, just the crown.
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Sonja
Hey, this is good champagne, Boris.
Boris
Oh yeah? Have you had enough, or are you gonna drink another case?
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Sonja
Boris?
Boris
Yes?
Sonja
I have a confession to make.
Boris
Yes?
Sonja
Ever since you and I were little children... I've been in love with your brother Ivan.
Boris
Well, it's only nat--Ivan? You're kidding! He can barely write his name in the ground with a stick!
Sonja
He has true animal magnetism.
Boris
Animal magnetism! All that talk about some perfect love and you're hot for Ivan?
Sonja
He kissed me!
Boris
Any place I should know?
Sonja
It warmed the cockles of my heart.
Boris
That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.
Sonja
I think he's going to ask me to marry him.
Boris
But he's a gambler and drinker, he's got a Neanderthal mentality! Don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother. Just not one of mine.
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Countess Alexandrovna
[Greeting Boris wearing a corset, garter belt, stockings, and boots]
How do you like it?
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Boris
Some men have it, some men don't. Fortunately, I have so much of it.
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Napoleon
Forgive my haste, I have heard that Spanish Blood is the hottest in Europe.
Sonja
I had mine cooled for the Summer.
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Countess Alexandrovna
It must be lonely at the front. How long has it been since you've made love to a woman?
Boris
Mm, what's today? Monday, Tuesday, er . . . two years.
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Drill Sergeant
You want a dishonorable discharge?
Boris
Yes sir, either that or a furlough.
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Boris
[sleeve bloodied after being grazed by bullet]
Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?
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Boris
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.
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