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Kinoafisha Films The History Boys The History Boys Movie Quotes

The History Boys Movie Quotes

Hector The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.

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Mrs. Lintott History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.

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Hector Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it, feel it and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on, boys. That's the game I want you to learn. Pass it on.

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Tom Irwin The truth was, in 1914, Germany doesn't want war. Yeah, there's an arms race, but it's Britain who's leading it. So, why does no one admit this?

[approaching a war memorial]

Tom Irwin That's why. The dead. The body count. We don't like to admit the war was even partly our fault cos so many of our people died. And all the mourning's veiled the truth. It's not "lest we forget", it's "lest we remember". That's what all this is about -the memorials, the Cenotaph, the two minutes' silence-. Because there is no better way of forgetting something than by commemorating it.

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[Posner has confessed to Irwin that he thinks he is homosexual and in love with Dakin]

Posner Do you ever look at your life?

Tom Irwin I thought everybody did.

Posner I'm a Jew... I'm small... I'm homosexual... and I live in Sheffield... I'm fucked.

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[in an art-appreciation lesson, discussing the nudes of Michaelangelo]

Timms These aren't women. They're just men with tits. And the tits look as if they've been put on with an ice-cream scoop!

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Headmaster There's a vacancy in history.

Tom Irwin [Thoughtfully] That's very true.

Headmaster In the school.

Tom Irwin Ah.

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[about A.E. Housman]

Timms Wasn't he a nancy, sir?

Hector Foul, festering, grubby-minded little trollop! Do not use that word!

[Hector hits Timms on the head with an exercise book]

Timms But you use it, sir!

Hector I do, sir, I know, but I am far gone in age and decrepitude.

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Mrs. Lintott Can you, for a moment, imagine how depressing it is to teach five centuries of masculine ineptitude?

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[talking about the Holocaust]

Posner But to put something in context is a step towards saying it can be understood and that it can be explained. And if it can be explained that it can be explained away.

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[at a mock interview for entrance to an Oxford college]

Tom Irwin Um, Rudge...

Mrs. Lintott Now. How do you define history Mr. Rudge?

Rudge Can I speak freely, Miss? Without being hit?

Mrs. Lintott I will protect you.

Rudge How do I define history? It's just one fuckin' thing after another.

[raucous laughter from the other students, but the interview board is appalled]

Mrs. Lintott I see. And why do you want to come to Christ Church?

Rudge It's the one I thought I might get into.

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[about Irwin]

Dakin Foreskins and stuff. "Oh, sir, you devil!"

Scripps Have a heart. He's only five minutes older than we are.

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Mrs. Lintott Actually I wouldn't have said he was sad. I would have said he was cunt-struck.

Hector Dorothy!

Mrs. Lintott I'd have thought you'd have liked that. It's a compound adjective. You like compound adjectives.

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[discussing Posner liking Dakin]

Scripps Oh, Pos, with your spaniel heart. It will pass.

Posner Yes, it's a phase. Who says I want it to pass? But the pain, the *pain*.

Scripps Hector would say it's the only education worth having.

Posner Yes. I just wish there were marks for it.

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Timms You've got crap handwriting, sir!

Tom Irwin It's your eyesight that's bad, and we know what that's caused by.

Timms Sir! Is that a coded reference to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?

Tom Irwin Possibly. It might even be a joke.

Dakin A joke, sir. Oh. Are jokes going to be a feature, sir? We need to know as it affects our mindset.

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Wilkes One day it will save your life.

Posner Nothing saves anyone's life sir. It just postpones their death.

[Wilkes puts his hands on Posner's shoulders]

Wilkes Jesus Christ will save your life, lad, if you only let him into your heart!

Posner I'm Jewish, sir.

[Wilkes moves instead to put his hands on Akhtar's shoulders]

Akthar I'm Muslim, sir.

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[Timms is trying to duck out of Athletics]

Wilkes What's the matter with you, lad?

Timms I've got a note.

Wilkes How much for?

[laughs]

Wilkes I don't *do* notes! Get changed!

Timms Sir...

Wilkes God doesn't do notes, either. Did Jesus Christ say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No!

Scripps Actually, sir, I think he *did*...

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[talking about Tom Irwin]

Headmaster He comes highly-recommended.

Mrs. Lintott So did Anne of Cleves.

Headmaster Who? He's up-to-the-minute, more "now".

Mrs. Lintott [dryly] Now? I thought history was "then".

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Posner [after telling Dakin to pull down his pants] Oh! Quelles belles jambes!

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Headmaster Ah, Irwin! Splendid news!

[pops the cork of a bottle of champagne]

Headmaster Splendid news! Posner a scholarship! Dakin an exhibition! And places for everybody else!

[cops a feel of Fiona's bum]

Headmaster It's... it's more then one could have ever hoped for! Irwin you are to be congratulated! A remarkable achievement! Oh and, you too, you too Dorothy of course, you, ah, laid the foundation.

Mrs. Lintott Not Rudge headmaster.

Headmaster Not Rudge. Oh, dear.

Tom Irwin He said nothing, the others have all had letters.

Headmaster There's always an outside chance. It's a pity, it would have been good to have a clean swoop.

[Rudge appears at the door, but only seen by Mrs. Lintott]

Headmaster Still as I've said all along, you can't polish a turd.

Mrs. Lintott [Rudge leaves and Mrs. Lintott takes after him down the hallway] Rudge!

[Rudge stops and turns around]

Mrs. Lintott You haven't heard from Oxford?

[Rudge shakes his head]

Mrs. Lintott Perhaps you'll hear tomorrow.

Rudge Why should I? They told me when I was there.

Mrs. Lintott I'm sorry.

Rudge What for? I got in.

Mrs. Lintott How come?

Rudge How come they told me, or how come they took a thick sod like me?... I had family connections.

Mrs. Lintott [incredulously] Somebody in your family went to Christ Church?

Rudge In a manner of speaking, my Dad, before he got married he was a college servant there. This old, parson, who just been sitting there most of the interview, suddenly said was I related to Bill Rudge who was a scout in staircase seven in the ninety-fifties. So, said he was my Dad, and they said I was the kind of candidate they were looking for. Mind you I did do the other stuff, like Stalin was a sweetie and Wilfred Owen was a wuss. They said I was plainly someone who thought for himself, and exactly what the college rugger team needed.

Mrs. Lintott Are you not pleased?

Rudge It's not like winning a match.

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[Timms has made a smart aleck remark]

Hector Somebody hit that boy!

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[Dakin is groping Fiona, using World War I as a metaphor for his "assault" on her body. He moves his hand up her thighs but she pushes it away]

Dakin What's the matter?

Fiona No-man's land.

Dakin Ah, fuck. What do I do with this?

[he points to his erection]

Fiona Carry out a controlled explosion?

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Headmaster Fuck the Ren-ai-ssance! And fuck literature, and Plato, and Michaelangelo, and Oscar Wilde, and all the other shrunken violets you people line up. This is a school, and it isn't normal!

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Tom Irwin You were quoting somebody. Auden, isn't it?

Timms [Expansively] Was I, sir? Sometimes it just flows out, y'know, brims over!

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Mrs. Lintott Durham was very good for history. It's where I had my first pizza. Other things too, of course, but it's the pizza that stands out.

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Tom Irwin But this is History. Distance yourselves. Our perspective on the past alters. Looking back, immediately in front of us is dead ground. We don't see it, and because we don't see it this means that there is no period so remote as the recent past. And one of the historian's jobs is to anticipate what our perspective of that period will be... even on the Holocaust.

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Scripps What makes you think he'd do it with you?

[Dakin smiles]

Scripps You complacent fuck.

Dakin Does the Archbishop of Canterbury know you talk like this?

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Dakin I just wanted to say thank you.

Scripps So? Give him a subscription to The Spectator or a box of Black Magic. Just because you've got a scholarship doesn't mean you've got to give him unfettered access to your dick.

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Scripps No more genital massage as one speeds along leafy suburban roads. No more the bike's melancholy long withdrawing roar as he dropped you at the corner, your honour still intact.

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Dakin Don't think we're shocked by your mentioning the word "foreskin," sir.

Crowther No, sir. Some of us even have them.

Lockwood Not Posner though, 'cause he's, well, Jewish. It's one of several things he doesn't have.

Posner Fuck off.

Lockwood That's not racist, though.

Crowther No?

Lockwood It's race-related... but not racist.

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Posner I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy about it.

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Wilkes You're letting yourself down. You're letting God down.

Lockwood What's God got to do with it?

Wilkes Listen, boy. This isn't your body.

Lockwood No?

Wilkes This body is on loan to you from God.

Lockwood Fuck me!

Wilkes I heard that. Give me twenty.

Lockwood Twenty what, Hail Marys?

Wilkes Do it.

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Headmaster So the upshot is I am glad he handled his pupils' balls because at least that I can categorise.

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Mrs. Lintott The smallest of incidents... the junction of a dizzying range of alternatives... any one of which could have had a different outcome.

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[after Hector explains his version of events]

Mrs. Lintott Hector darling, as much as I love you, that is the most colossal balls! A grope is a grope!

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Mrs. Lintott I'm reluctant at this stage in the game to expose you to new ideas, but having taught you all history on a strictly non-gender-orientated basis I just wonder whether it occurs to any of you how dispiriting this can be? Can you for a moment imagine how depressing it is to teach five centuries of masculine ineptitude? Why do you think there are no women historians on TV? I'll tell you why: Because history's not such a frolic for women as it is for men. Why should it be? They never get around the conference table. In 1919, for instance, they just arranged the flowers, then gracefully retired. History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket. And I'm not asking you to espouse this point of view, but the occasional nod in its direction can do you no harm.

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Headmaster I was a geographer. I went to Hull.

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[Mrs. Lintott smokes in the Teacher's Lounge]

Wilkes Dorothy...

[points to the No Smoking sign]

Mrs. Lintott Oh, fuck.

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[In the French scene]

Lockwood Ma mère! Ma mère!

Akthar Il appelle sa mère!

Lockwood Mon père! Mon père!

Akthar Il appelle son père!

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[Scripps is taking the mick out of Dakin for trying to please Irwin too much]

Scripps Have you looked at your handwriting recently? You're beginning to write like him!

[turns to look at Posner's essay]

Scripps You're writin' like 'im an' all!

Posner I am not! Dakin writes like him, I write like Dakin.

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[about religion]

Scripps It's what you don't do.

Dakin You don't *not wank*? Jesus, you're headed for the bin.

Scripps It's not for ever.

Dakin Yeah? Well, tell me on the big day and I'll stand well back.

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Dakin I'm just kicking the tyres on this one but, further to the drink, what I was really wondering was whether there were any circumstances in which there was any chance of your sucking me off... Or something similar... Actually, that would please Hector.

Tom Irwin What?

Dakin "Your sucking me off". It's a gerund. He likes gerunds. And "your being scared shitless", that's another gerund.

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[to and about Irwin]

Akthar You're very young, sir. This isn't your gap year is it, sir?

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Rudge I did all the other stuff like Stalin was a sweetie and Wilfred Owen was a wuss.

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[about the boys learning Brief Encounter, and Gracie Fields etc]

Hector Sheer calculated silliness.

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Dakin How do you think history happens?

Tom Irwin What?

Dakin How does stuff happen, do you think? People decide to do stuff. Make moves. Alter things.

Tom Irwin I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Dakin No? Think about it.

Tom Irwin Some do... make moves, I suppose. Others react to events. In 1939 Hitler made a move on Poland. Poland defended itself.

Dakin ...gave in.

Tom Irwin Is that what you mean?

Dakin No. Not Poland anyway. Was Poland taken by surprise?

Tom Irwin To some extent. Though they knew something was up.

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Dakin Next week? Get this man - "You can suck me off next week"! I've heard of a busy schedule but this is ridiculous. God, we've got a long way to go. Do you ever take your glasses off?

Tom Irwin Why?

Dakin It's a start.

Tom Irwin Not with me. Taking off my glasses is the last thing I do.

Dakin Yeh? I'll look forward to it.

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Mrs. Lintott A grope is a grope. It is not the Annunciation.

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[about Dakin/Irwin]

Dakin So how would you say thank you?

Scripps Same as you probably. On my knees.

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[Dakin is annoyed because he thinks Irwin doesn't like him]

Posner But he doesn't understand, Irwin *does* like him. He seldom looks at anyone else.

Scripps How do you know?

Posner Because nor do I. Our eyes meet looking at Dakin.

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Dakin The more you read, though, the more you'll see that literature is actually about losers.

Scripps No.

Dakin It's consolation. All literature is consolation.

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Dakin What happened with Hector? On the bike?

Scripps As per. Except I managed to get my bag down. I think he thought he'd got me going. In fact it was my Tudor Economic Documents, Volume 2.

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[as Irwin prepares to get on Hector's bike]

Dakin Do you want my Tudor Economic Documents?

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Scripps Love can be very irritating.

Posner How do you know?

Scripps That's what I always think about God. Must get so pissed off, everybody adoring him all the time.

Posner Yes, only you don't catch God poncing about in his underpants.

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Hector At school you don't get parole. Good behavior just brings a longer sentence.

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Mrs. Bibby Our lord and master, having grudgingly conceded that art may have its uses, I gather, I'm supossed, to give your Oxford and Cambridge boys a smattering of art history.

Hector Not my bag, Hazel. Irwin's your man.

Tom Irwin It's really just the icing on the cake.

Mrs. Bibby Is art ever anything else?

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Tom Irwin God knows why you've learnt 'Brief Encounter'.

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Hector [hector during his general studies class with the boys] i'll let you in on a little secret boys. there is no such thing as general studies. general studies is a waste of time. knowledge is not general. it is specific.

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Hector "Happy is England, sweet her artless daughters; enough their simple loveliness for me." Keats.

Crowther Oh! We won't be examined on that, though, will we, sir?

Hector Keats?

Crowther Happiness.

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Dakin [V/O] "How does history happen?" I asked Irwin. And he couldn't answer me. But now he knew. Nothing special.

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Lockwood I've only got trainers.

Crowther It's not an interview on footwear.

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[about Hector]

Headmaster On enquiry I find his pupils know all the words of "When I'm Cleaning Windows".

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Tom Irwin [after Posner and Scripps act it out] God knows why you've learnt Brief Encounter.

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[Fiona walks past. Dakin and Scripps gaze lustfully at her]

Dakin Lecher though one is - or aspires to be - it occurs to me that the lot of woman cannot be easy, who must suffer such inexpert male fumblings, virtually on a daily basis. Are we scarred for life, do you think?

Scripps We must hope so.

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Tom Irwin I didn't know you were that way inclined.

Dakin I'm not, but it's the end of term; I've got into Oxford; I though we might push the boat out.

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