Four Lions Movie Quotes
Waj
Rubber dinghy rapids bro.
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Barry
[car breaks down]
Fuck, Fuck, fuck it!
Omar
Did you fix this then, Barry?
Barry
Yes, I fixed it!
Omar
Did ya?
Barry
It's the parts... they're Jewish.
Omar
What parts in a car are Jewish?
[pause]
Omar
Hmm?
Fessal
Spark plugs.
Barry
Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.
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Waj
I think I'm confused, but I'm not sure!
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Hassan
[Raps]
I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!
[Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]
Barry
[Silent from audience]
Mashallah, brother
[Murmurs from the audience]
Hassan
[Looking at the audiences]
Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?
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Omar
You're confused bro.
Waj
I'm not confused brother! I just took picture of my face, and it's deffo not my confused face.
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Barry
Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!
Omar
Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
Barry
That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!
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Barry
You can't win an argument just by being right!
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[to other sniper]
Sniper
We got the bear.
Sniper
I think that's a Wookie. That's a Wookie!
Sniper
No it's not! It's a bear!
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Waj
Yeah! Fuck mini Babybel!
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Waj
I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.
Ed
Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.
Waj
And nice fit arses, too, man.
Ed
You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.
Waj
What are you saying?
Ed
I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
Waj
You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?
Ed
No.
Waj
Fuck off!
[Ends phone conversation]
Waj
Fucking Boy George!
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Malcolm Storge MP
The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?
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Police Inspector
You're gonna die in that gear lads
Omar
More than likely, but it's for a good cause
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Waj
Aye up you unbelievin' Kuffar bastards! I'm gonna turn you to baked beans.
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Barry
[shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car]
Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!
Omar
Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
Barry
Not if you're not here, you won't!
[Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]
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Barry
What's with the gun?
Waj
Proper replica man.
Barry
It's too small man!
Waj
Not too small, brother. Big hands!
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Barry
They'll pump you full of Viagra. Make you fuck a dog!
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Barry
You just killed the special needs donkey!
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[turns around to the SWAT team]
Waj
Sorry lads, I don't know what I'm doing.
[bomb goes off and smoke rises from the shutters outside]
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Barry
You can fuck her, but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?
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Ahmed
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
Omar
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.
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Barry
You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
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Barry
[after starting a discussion about training camps]
I object to the term training camps!
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Barry
Why has she got her hands on her face?
Waj
Because she's got a beard
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Omar
Soph, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window.
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Omar
[to Waj and Hassan, who are shaking their heads to make their faces look blurry]
CCTV's a video. You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
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Hassan
I'm a martyr, you're all squashed tomatoes.
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Waj
If you treat me like a bomber, why shouldn't I be one?
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Fessal
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow and fly it into one of them towers full of Jews and slags!
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Barry
What if you get caught? I'm not going down just because you can't take a drill in the kneecap. They'll crack you like baby's fingers! They'll pump you full of viagra, make you f**k a dog! You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
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Matt
I was gonna go a bit further, but I started to run a bit lopsided. See, I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger. I think lefty just wants it more, you know? Right leg's bone idle. He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack. Before you know it, you're running curves.
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Omar
I swear, cousin bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up, but I would never ask you to piss in your own mouth.
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Hassan
Liquid peroxide.
Fessal
Three year's of stockpiling.
Barry
How'd you get it all?
Fessal
A wholesale shop down the road.
Barry
What? All from the same shop? Yeah? You mug, you'll get us nicked!
Fessal
No. I use different voices each time I go in.
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Hassan
You made him wee in his own gob?
Omar
What is wrong with you, bro?
Barry
Submission... it's the rules of submission.
Waj
It felt really bad, brother. It's not too tricky once you get the aim right, but... it just feels like really proper wrong. All the wee splashing off your teeth... .
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Waj
What the f**k has he done to his rabbits, bro?
Omar
They're not rabbits, bro. They're chickens.
Waj
They're f**king rabbits!
Omar
If they're rabbits, bro, where are their ears?
Waj
That's what I'm saying!
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Commentator on end credits
This footage taken from an American spy plane appears to show two trainee Mujahadin seen struggling with a rocket launcher, firing it at an Arab training camp and accidentally blowing up Osma Bin Laden.
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Barry
What? You can f**k her but you can't kill her?
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Barry
You're worse than the specially trained rapists they use in Guantanamo!
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Barry
No, don't sweat it, bro! He's been tested!
Hassan
Yeah! Yeah, he tested me, man!
Omar
How did he do that, then?
Hassan
He made me do that bean-thing, man.
Omar
Oh? What "bean-thing"?
Hassan
You know, where you put a bean up the end of your knob, man.
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Uncle Imran
Is he as stupid as he looks?
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Barry
You realize if I don't come to Pakistan with you, bro, Islam is finished!
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Omar
But if your hands even go to move... and you try settin' up the "Islamic State of Tinsley" again... going to university lectures... opening your big mouth... buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
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Omar
Alright, frog him.
Barry
No! No frogging!
Omar
Frog him in back!
Barry
Omar, we agreed, no frogging!
Omar
That was before you swallowed the key!
Barry
[Choking]
We said no frogging!
Omar
Every time, I've had to frog you!
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Barry
I am the most Al-Qaeda one here!
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Malcolm Storge MP
The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but - as far as I am aware - the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?
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Waj
Are they gonna make me f**k a dog out there, Brother Omar?
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Waj
Barry's not a good emir, Brother Omar. He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
Omar
Like what? Hmm?
Waj
He said... if I was a proper mujahadin, I'd whizz in me own mouth.
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Barry
The feds can track your phone even if the battery's out.
Fessal
Really?
Barry
Really. They can see you underground.
Waj
Can they see you if you're not there?
Barry
Where's there?
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Barry
Look, the way to stop the feds tracking you is very simple. You eat your SIM card. Get your SIM cards out. You remove your SIM card and - yes?
Waj
Can I cook mine?
Barry
No, you must eat it raw.
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Barry
Alright, Omar, I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit stays here! But MY unit is the MAIN unit!
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