Garden State Movie Quotes
Andrew Largeman
You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam
I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman
You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
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Sam
If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.
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Andrew Largeman
Fuck, this hurts so much.
Sam
I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
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Andrew Largeman
I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam
I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman
Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark
Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam
He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman
So?
Sam
He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman
Don't be cute.
Sam
He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman
Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark
I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman
Pun intended?
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Sam
Hey, I recognize you.
Andrew Largeman
Oh, did you go to Columbia High?
Sam
No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?
Andrew Largeman
Yeah.
Sam
Are you really retarded?
Andrew Largeman
No.
Sam
Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!
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[Last lines]
Sam
What are you doing?
Andrew Largeman
Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Sam
The ellipsis?
Andrew Largeman
Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
Sam
Yeah. Yes!
Andrew Largeman
So what do we do? What do we do?
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Andrew Largeman
Hey Albert
Albert
Yeah?
Andrew Largeman
Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert
Thank you, and Hey, you too
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Sam
You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other...
Andrew Largeman
This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.
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Karl Benson
Hey man, I thought you killed yourself.
Andrew Largeman
What?
Karl Benson
I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?
Andrew Largeman
No, no, tha-that wasn't me.
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Mark
So this is it...
Andrew Largeman
So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
Mark
Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
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Carol
Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.
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Andrew Largeman
You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.
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Mark
I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.
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Sam
If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.
Andrew Largeman
All right, so what are we laughing at you about?
Sam
I lied again... I have epilepsy.
Andrew Largeman
Which part are we laughing about?
Sam
had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.
Andrew Largeman
What's preventative covering?
Sam
The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
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Sam
You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman
What?
Sam
My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.
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Andrew Largeman
You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.
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Dr. Cohen
Mister... Andrew Largeman?
Andrew Largeman
Yes?
Dr. Cohen
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you
Andrew Largeman
Really?
Dr. Cohen
Just kidding; how the hell would I know?
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Andrew Largeman
I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman
Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman
This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
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Andrew Largeman
That actually made me sadder than anything: the fact that I felt so numb.
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Sam
That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
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Sam
How are you feelin'?
Andrew Largeman
Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home.
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Andrew Largeman
It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.
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Sam
You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I swear.
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Sam
What?
Andrew Largeman
Uh, it's Titembay, right?
Sam
Yeah, it weird huh? You're like so freaked out right now. You're like running for the door. It's okay, you can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...
Sam
What?
Andrew Largeman
The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't I wouldn't be. Okay? Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours. Okay?
Sam
Okay.
Andrew Largeman
So... Titembay.
Sam
Yeah, he's my brother.
Andrew Largeman
Is he adopted?
Sam
Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers, like, years ago. You know, one of those "for the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things. Where she's like, "how can you just sit there and not help the children?" And we couldn't. We couldn't just sit there and not help the children. So we started sending him pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice skating so we sort of forgot about him. Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay and he's at the dry cleaners around the corner. And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers, I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family." He's been living with us ever since.
Andrew Largeman
Wow.
Sam
Yeah, I know. He's the most amazing guy. You gotta hear some of his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn. When I think of what he's accomplished I just feel lazy, you know? He's studying Criminal Justice at Rutgers and when he was a baby he was one of those kids with flies all over his face.
Andrew Largeman
Wow.
[chuckles]
Andrew Largeman
I mean, it's... it's a crazy story.
Sam
Yeah, I know. I mean that's a true story! I'm not that good.
[laughs]
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[to Andrew]
Tim
By the way, it says BALLS on your face.
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Andrew Largeman
I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.
Sam
Shut up.
Mark
Fuck off.
Andrew Largeman
No, that's the truth.
Sam
Why?
Andrew Largeman
It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.
Andrew Largeman
Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
[pauses]
Andrew Largeman
So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.
Sam
Wow.
Andrew Largeman
Still want to compare fucked up families?
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Dr. Cohen
You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.
Andrew Largeman
Wow. Um, but I don't really think that's it...
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Sam
OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.
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Andrew Largeman
We're not playing Spin the Bottle; how old are we? More importantly, how old are they?
Jesse
Oh, they're all legal. I think...
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Aunt Sylvia Largeman
I made you something. It's a shirt.
Andrew Largeman
Thats... That's good, thank you.
Aunt Sylvia Largeman
Will you try it on now?
Andrew Largeman
Now?
Aunt Sylvia Largeman
Well, in case I have to fix it before you leave again and we don't see you for another nine years. I wanna make sure it fits.
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Mark
Hey, vagina!
Andrew Largeman
Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.
Jesse
Hey.
Sam
Hey.
Dave
What's up?
Mark
Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.
Sam
Oh, that's okay.
Mark
Nice. Let's get fucked up.
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Andrew Largeman
I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.
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Andrew Largeman
Let's just talk about good stuff.
Sam
Good stuff?
Andrew Largeman
Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
Sam
I got a little buzz. I got that.
[laughs]
Sam
What you got?
Andrew Largeman
I got a little buzz going
[pauses]
Andrew Largeman
and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman
So there's that. I guess I have that.
Sam
I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman
I would love to see you tap-dance.
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Mark
We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.
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Sam
This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.
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Sam
What's the word that's burning in your heart?
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Diego
Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego
Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!
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Sam
Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!
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[last lines]
Andrew Largeman
So what do we do? What do we do?
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Kenny
Put your hands on your head, please.
Andrew Largeman
What?
Kenny
I said to put your motherfucking hands on your head.
[slams car door]
Kenny
Please. Eighty in a twenty-five. What are you going to tell me, you were late or you're just tired?
Andrew Largeman
I was?
Kenny
Shut the fuck up!
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Andrew Largeman
Are you doing anything right now?
Sam
Can you elaborate on doing anything?
Andrew Largeman
I just know this guy Jesse who bought this mansion that's right up here and we wants me to come visit him, but I don't want to stay very long. So I was thinking if you came too I could just say I have to take you home when I'm ready to go.
Sam
Wow. That's pretty damn random of you, Andrew. Nice to meet you. Can I use you?
Andrew Largeman
No.
Sam
Must be the Hollywood in you, I guess.
Andrew Largeman
No, come on, it's not like that. It will be fun. I'll tell you what, we could have a signal. Like when you pull on your ear that's the code and then I'll be like, oh I gotta take her home. And then we'll go.
Sam
Can we have code names, too?
Andrew Largeman
If you want.
Sam
[thinks]
Okay. But don't try and kidnap me or anything because my step-uncle is a bounty hunter and he could have you tracked and killed.
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Gideon Largeman
Saying goodbye is important. I'm glad you could fit it in.
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Olivia
Samantha, put the clothes in the dryer and bury Jelly.
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Mark
How about some fucking furniture, man?
Jesse
I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.
Sam
Where is it?
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Kelly
Well, we just ate all this fucking 'X', so what the hell else are we supposed to do?
Jesse
The woman has a point.
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Sam
This is the point in the conversation where you offer me a ride home.
Andrew Largeman
It is?
Sam
Yeah.
Andrew Largeman
Would you like a ride home?
Sam
...Fine. But I'm not riding in that sidecar.
Andrew Largeman
Why not?
Sam
Sidecars are for bitches. Anyone who rides in one is automatically your bitch. Thus I will ride on the back.
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Andrew Largeman
So how do people know what's real?
Sam
Well, I always feel bad afterwards and admit them when they're lies. Can you trust that?
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Andrew Largeman
There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda missed.
Sam
There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I'd missed.
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Sam
This is Tickle.
Andrew Largeman
What is Tickle?
Sam
Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.
Andrew Largeman
Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?
Sam
Shut up! No, I mean, I've had this since I was a baby. It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.
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Sam
We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?
Andrew Largeman
What?
Sam
Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
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Sam
I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done.
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Andrew Largeman
What could be ruder than talking about someone else who died when you're in the act of burying a close friend?
Sam
Well, what should we do?
Andrew Largeman
I don't know. I've only been to one of these things. You appear to be the expert.
Sam
We usually say something.
Andrew Largeman
Okay, I'll go first. Didn't really know you, Jelly. From what I hear you were a really good pet. A little trouble with the wheel.
[pauses]
Sam
Jelly, you were a great pet. I'm sorry I forgot to take the wheel out of your cage. I'm so, so sorry about that. Goodbye. I hope that you liked me.
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Titembay
Someone has been pissing on my Gamecube and I'm about to close the case.
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[singing at Andrew's mother's funeral]
Aunt Sylvia Largeman
Thanks for the time that you've given me. The memories are all in my mind. And now that we've come to the end of our rainbow, there's something I must say out loud. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. I love you.
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Sam
Here comes the lipstick.
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Obnoxious Girl
I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull - and some bread ASAP.
Andrew Largeman
...We don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl
What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?
Andrew Largeman
...we're a Vietnamese restaurant... we just don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl
Well, you're not Vietnamese.
Andrew Largeman
...No, I'm not.
Obnoxious Girl
Can I have something to chew on! Fuck, bamboo! Whatever!
Andrew Largeman
I'll see what I can find.
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Andrew Largeman
I just feel like I've been going to too many of these lately.
Sam
What? Dates?
Andrew Largeman
You call this a date? This isn't a date. No, funerals.
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Andrew Largeman
I'll be fine. Am I the first boy you've ever brought home?
Sam
No, but I lied to you before when I told you that my boyfriend drives a Ninja.
Andrew Largeman
He doesn't drive a bike?
Sam
No, I don't have a boyfriend. But, you know, he might drive a Ninja wherever he is.
Andrew Largeman
Wow. We're off to a great start.
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Mark
I do apply myself every day, mom. I work my ass off burying dead people, okay? I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush. What's your rush for?
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Mark
Silent velcro. You lucky mother fucker.
Andrew Largeman
I feel like if I would shown up at school and presented the idea of silent velcro they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.
Sam
Why did they send you away?
Jesse
Ooh, listen to this girl.
Andrew Largeman
They didn't send me away.
Mark
You just said they sent you away.
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Mark
You like that, Press Junket, that's improv bitch, you can use it.
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Sam
Sidecars are for bitches.
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Mark
The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.
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Albert
[about the rickety old boathouse]
Unfortunately, if this is the apocalypse, I'm not entirely sure it still floats.
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Andrew Largeman
You're a COP, Kenny?
Kenny
Yeah, I know!
Andrew Largeman
...Why?
Kenny
I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.
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Andrew Largeman
Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon?
Mark
They love their malls here, man.
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Sam
He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman
Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark
I'm going to kill that motherfucker.
Andrew Largeman
Pun intended?
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Andrew Largeman
Who are you?
Sam
I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?
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Andrew Largeman
Do you lie a lot?
Sam
What do you consider a lot?
Andrew Largeman
Enough for people to call you a liar.
Sam
People call me lots of things...
Andrew Largeman
Is one of them liar?
Sam
I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?
Andrew Largeman
I guess I could choose to trust you.
Sam
You can do that?
Andrew Largeman
I can try.
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Andrew Largeman
This isn't a conversation about this being over. I'm not like, putting a period at the end of this. I'm putting like... an ellipsis on it.
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Olivia
Andrew, would you like to see Sam's ice skating tape?
Sam
Mom, no.
Andrew Largeman
Absolutely.
Olivia
She was so ahead of her time. She could have gone to the Olympics.
Sam
No! No, no, no. I couldn't have.
Olivia
Yes you could have! Don't blame it on the Epilepsy. You had a gift.
Andrew Largeman
Come on, let me see it.
Sam
Mom. I'm asking you seriously.
Andrew Largeman
Come on, don't be shy. Let me see it.
Olivia
Oh she wants you to see it. How could you not want him to see how talented you are?
Sam
Were.
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Andrew Largeman
It's like the Wailing Wall.
Sam
What?
Andrew Largeman
The Wailing Wall. It's like the most holy place for Jews to go an pray in Israel. It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.
Sam
So you're like really Jewish?
Andrew Largeman
What?
Sam
You are, aren't you?
[laughing]
Sam
You are!
Andrew Largeman
No, I'm not. I mean I'm Jewish but I'm not really Jewish. I don't do anything Jewish. I don't go to temple or anything. But I don't know any Jews who go to temple. The Jews I know only go on one day which is Yom Kippur. The day of repentance.
Sam
Okay.
Andrew Largeman
Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls so that one the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?
Sam
I don't really believe in God.
Andrew Largeman
Just Tickle.
Sam
Oh, I believe in Tickle.
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Mark
Hey! If you ever need a Kato you know where to find me.
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Karl Benson
I should get your number.
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Sam
My hair is blowing in the wind.
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Andrew Largeman
Place looks good.
Gideon Largeman
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, we've been doing a lot of work on it.
Andrew Largeman
Really?
Gideon Largeman
Actually, no. I don't know why I just said that.
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Singer
[from trailer] There's beauty in the breakdown.
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Sam
So what are you here for?
Andrew Largeman
What are you here for?
Sam
Waiting for a friend, you?
Andrew Largeman
I uh...
Sam
Oh fuck, that was so nosy. I'm sorry, ack. I am. I am so nosy. I didn't I didn't mean to be. I am sorry.
Andrew Largeman
No, I just get these headaches. I wanna have em checked out.
Sam
Cool
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[first lines]
Airplane pilot
[voiceover] Los Angeles Tower, this is Transworld 22 Heavy. We are going down! Repeat, engines two and... L.A. Tower, this is... Mayday! Mayday!
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Kenny
Speaking of which, how'd I do?
Andrew Largeman
You mean... as a cop?
Kenny
Yeah, you know, the whole,
[shouts]
Kenny
shut-the-fuck-up thing...
Andrew Largeman
Well, I thought you were a dick, so I guess that's good...
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Andrew Largeman
My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud, but... my mom just died.
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[repeated line]
Mark
...or some shit.
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Andrew Largeman
You're the alligator?
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Gideon Largeman
And besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?
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Andrew Largeman
So why were you really there?
Sam
Charging. I'm a robot.
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Kenny
Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!
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Gideon Largeman
I'm sure you can find lots of things in your life that you can be angry about but what I do not understand is why you're so angry with me. All I ever wanted for everyone to be happy again. That's all I ever wanted.
Andrew Largeman
When were we all ever happy, dad? When? You always say that. When was that, when was that? When was this time that you have in your mind when we were all so happy? Because I don't have it in my memory. Maybe if I did, I could help steer us back there but I just- Look, you and I need to work on being okay if that's not in the cards for us.
Gideon Largeman
Well, we might have a shot at it if you can forgive yourself for what you did.
Andrew Largeman
What I did
[scoffs]
Andrew Largeman
. What I did. Okay, let's do it. Okay, we're here, right. Let's do it. I'm going to forgive myself for what I did. Are you ready? I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, okay? And I'm not going to take those drugs anymore because they left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I've experienced in my life, okay? And for that... For that, I'm here to forgive you. You've always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe what mom wanted more than anything was for it all to be over. And for me, what I want more than anything in the world, is for it to be okay with you for me to feel something again; even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman
You're going against your doctor's recommendation. That's a pretty wicked experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman
This is my life, dad. This is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so no, no, I don't think it's too much to take on because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are going to be okay, you know that right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be but... for the first time, let's just allow to be whatever it is that we are. And that'll be better, okay? I think that'll be better.
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Gideon Largeman
[on Andrew's answering machine]
Andrew, this is your father. Hello? Look, you don't call me back, so I don't know how to do this. If you're not gonna return my calls then there's no way for us to communicate...
[breaks down]
Gideon Largeman
Look, I don't know how to do this but you're gonna need to come home now. Last night... Your mother died last night, Andrew. She drowned. Last night she drowned in the bath.
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Diego
Does it come with balloons?
Mark
What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!
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Olivia
Honey, I asked you to get the metal wheel out of the hamster cage.
Olivia
[holding up a dead hamster]
Well, you forgot and now Jelly's dead. Luckily I got Peanut Butter out in time.
[to Andrew]
Olivia
We have to get the only hamsters on planet Earth who can't figure out a stupid hamster wheel.
[to Sam]
Olivia
There is a tin box on the kitchen counter. You can do the honors.
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Andrew Largeman
Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed.
Mark
Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.
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Kenny
Your mom just died!
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Titembay
Peace out, playa!
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Sam
It's not that we're bad pet owners or anything, it's just, you know, we've had so many of them over the years. Besides, a lot of these are fish.
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Andrew Largeman
They sent me away to boarding school. Sent me away makes it sound like they sent me to an asylum. There were no straps involved.
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Andrew Largeman
But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.
Kenny
I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making shit at that fish market. No one knew who I was, I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.
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Dr. Cohen
Of course you're all right. You're alive.
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[Largeman flounders in the pool]
Jesse
Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR.
Mark
You look like a wet beaver.
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Andrew Largeman
They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous.
[mocking Sam]
Andrew Largeman
Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad.
[Andrew laughing]
Sam
It's really funny. Why would they think you'd be dangerous?
Jesse
You're like a little detective.
Andrew Largeman
Want to know?
Sam
Yeah.
Mark
You're gay.
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Carol
It means I like to mate after battle.
Tim
That's not what I said.
Carol
Yeah...
Tim
No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means Kill Kirk... And also, hallelujah... Depending on the context.
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Sam
So uh, I gotta go bury this hamster before the dogs eat him... You wanna help?
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Andrew Largeman
How did she die?
Mark
I don't know, she wasn't Jewish, I didn't bury her.
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Olivia
Could we move the crime scene into the kitchen?
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Olivia
[yelling at dogs]
Alright! Everybody down! Who wants to eat? Do you want to eat? Then get the fuck off him!
[to Andrew]
Olivia
I'm so sorry. We just don't have the time to train them. Who's got the time to train them?
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Sam
Large. I think I see one.
Sam
Yeah, I do. Wait, wait, wait. We should save it or something.
[runs to get a paper cup]
Sam
Okay, don't move!
Andrew Largeman
We could put it in my scrapbook if I had a scrapbook.
Sam
Is that it?
Andrew Largeman
I think so. I don't really feel any more coming.
Sam
Well, if you do, let me know. I'll get the cup.
[laughs]
Sam
This was such a good idea.
Andrew Largeman
Who are you?
Sam
I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?
[wipes Andrew's face with her arm]
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Sam
Yeah, kick his balls. Kick his balls!
Andrew Largeman
I don't wanna destroy future generations of charitable dogs.
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Jesse
But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.
Andrew Largeman
Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since.
Sam
Until now.
Mark
For her funeral.
Andrew Largeman
Until now for her funeral.
Jesse
I can't believe the retarded quarterback is a pill-popper.
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Andrew Largeman
It was nice meeting you.
Sam
You didn't. I'm Sam.
Sam
Nice to meet you. Good luck with your head.
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Andrew Largeman
Why are you crying?
Sam
I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this. It's just like, it's so sad. You know? It's so tragic, isn't it? It feels like real life tragedy or something.
Andrew Largeman
Anyway, let's just change the subject.
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Mark
Hey look, what do you gotta do today? Because, uh, I got you a little going away present but I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride?
Andrew Largeman
Yeah, I just uh.
Mark
What?
Andrew Largeman
No, nothing. I just, um.
Mark
Say it. Speak.
Andrew Largeman
I kinda told Sam I was going to hang out with her today.
Mark
She can come. I don't care.
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