Year One Movie Quotes
[from trailer]
Zed
You could be my right-hand man.
Oh
I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.
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Oh
I just want to lay with her so badly.
Zed
I don't see it. I mean she's cute, but I don't think I'd lay with her.
Oh
She's your sister. I mean, it would be like laying with your mother.
Zed
Which was a *big* mistake, I see that now.
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Cain
For the crimes- of blasphemy - heresy - conspiracy - treachery - leprosy - puppetry - hyperbole - animal husbandry - sodomy... Oh, it's refusal of sodomy - overt punditry - and the murder of my brother Abel - the prisoners shall be stoned - TO DEATH!
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Zed
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner.
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Princess Inanna
Come! Come quick!
Zed
That won't be a problem.
Zed
What are we doing here?
Princess Inanna
I want you to enter the Holiest of Holies.
Zed
Oh, that's quite a coincidence, because I want you to sit on the Poliest of Polies.
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Abraham
[addressing Zed, Oh, and Isaac]
Therefore, to signify my covenant with the one true God, I shall on this day circumcise the flesh of my penis. And of you. And you, and of you, and every male who dwelleth hereby.
Zed
Excuse me?
Oh
I don't know what you mean.
Abraham
We shall grasp the foreskins of our penises, and we shall cut therefrom the extra flesh. Amen.
Zed
Oh... I don't think I have any extra.
Oh
Couldn't we pierce our ears or something?
Abraham
No, no, no. So it shall be written, and so it shall be done.
Zed
Let me get this straight. You're saying you have too much cock? And you wanna...
[makes a cutting gesture. Abraham nods]
Zed
You know, Abe, it's been a long day, we've all had a lot to drink, and I know that this foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you might wanna sleep on it. We can always cut it off in the morning. But if we do it now, there's just no way to get it back on there.
Abraham
No, no, no, trust me, it's gonna be a very, very sleek look. This is gonna catch on. I'm gonna go get my good knife. Just wait right there. I'll be right back to cut your penises. Not the whole thing, you understand. Just the very tip. And after, we're all gonna have wine and sponge cake.
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Abraham
We are the Hebrews. Righteous people - not very good at sports.
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[from trailer]
[Zed has eaten an apple from the 'Tree of Knowledge']
Zed
I might know everything. Ask me something!
Oh
Where does the sun go at night?
Zed
Pass. Next question.
Oh
Where do babies come from?
Zed
Pass. Next question.
Zed
In the form of a question!
Zed
Correct!
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High Priest
Behind these doors is the Holiest of Holies, earthly domain of the gods. A place so ineffably sacred, so powerful, that he who enters... Instant death!
Oh
Who cleans it?
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Zed
Look, I want you to know... I blame myself for everything that's happened.
Maya
Yeah, so does everybody else.
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Oh
[on Cain killing Abel]
You were holding a rock and he ran into it with his face repeatedly until he just couldn't pull through.
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Oh
If we never ever see you again, it's not because we are avoiding you!
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[from trailer]
Cain
They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.
[Zed and Oh are riding on the cart, with their arms in the air]
Oh
I feel like a bird!
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Zed
[Abraham draws back with the knife, about to stab Isaac]
STOP! What are you doin' with that kid?
Zed
Nothing?
Abraham
This is my son, sir. We were playing a game, alright? It's called... "Burny Burny Cut Cut".
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Cain
What transpires within the confines of the walls of Sodom, stays within the confines of the walls of Sodom.
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[from trailer]
[a hunter knocks a bowl of berries out of Oh's hand]
Oh
Well, there won't be any berries in the fruit salad now, so we all lose.
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Zed
It seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me...
Pedestrian Villager
He guys, I'm trying to enjoy a sacrifice with my family. Do you mind? Do you mind?
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Maya
When my parents were killed by that pack of wild dogs, you really helped me see the funny side.
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Marlak
Stay away from my woman.
Zed
Not gonna be possible, Marlak. She's not your woman. You can't own people. Except for the guy who bought all of us. Apparently, he can.
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High Priest
[the eunuch removes one of his testicles from his leather pouch. Throws and hits Zed with it]
HIGH PRIEST: Did he just hurl his own ball at him? How spectacular.
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Oh
[Zed and Oh are fleeing Abraham's camp to avoid being circumcised]
Do you have any idea where we're going?
Zed
Yup, we're going to Sodom. We have to save Maya and Eema.
Zed
Yeah? God also told him to chop off the tip of his dick.
Oh
So listen, I've been thinking, what constitutes the tip of the penis? Because his definition might not be the same as mine. Like, what if the tip is your favorite part?
Zed
The tip is your *only* part.
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Zed
To Kyle Gass there! That's our stoner.
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King
How did you become high priest?
High Priest
I'm your brother-in-law.
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Zed
Hey, I'm peeing on my face too... on the inside!
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[last lines]
Zed
To the north!
Maya
You know that that's west.
Zed
Mmm hmm, yeah, I was just checking to see if you knew. To the west!
[under his breath]
Zed
I'm already glad you're here.
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King
I knew I could depend upon your loyalty!
[guards turn and raise their swords]
King
Oh... assholes!
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High Priest
Boy, rub me with oil.
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High Priest
Oh please, if you're a virgin, then I'm a fuzzy little gerbil. Back to the whorehouse with you.
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