Kinoafisha Films Cheaper by the Dozen Cheaper by the Dozen Movie Quotes

Cheaper by the Dozen Movie Quotes

Tom You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.

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Jake I heard you were dissing my family.

Cooper I don't even know your family loser.

Mike You do now!

[Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand]

Cooper My latte!

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Tom [after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor] You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.

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Nora Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family.

Hank They set me on fire.

Nora Just your pants.

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Charlie Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Tom Yeah, you mentioned that.

Charlie Then I'm good.

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Mark Mom, Beans is dead.

Sarah Baker Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?

Mark Stop calling me that!

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[Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank]

Tom You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

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Kate Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

Sarah Baker Yes!

Kate Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.

Nigel Baker Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!

[yells]

Tom [yells]

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Kate My book's getting published.

Tom Did I tell you we're going to have it all?

Kate You've never said that.

Tom [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.

Lorraine [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

Tom [Between kisses] Can you hurry?

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Hank It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...

Kate Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?

Hank Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.

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Tom [picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce] Ah... Pasta de la croch.

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Tom [phoning a "nanny" service] Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.

[responding to question on phone]

Tom I have twelve kids.

[person on phone says something]

Tom Actually I am serious.

Tom [next call] Just twelve

Tom [next call] There's only two, oh plus ten.

Tom [next call] How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.

Tom [next call] Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.

Tom [next call] Uh, a dozen.

Tom [next call] Just, just twelve.

Tom [last call] Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.

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Tina Shenk Is Jake your only child?

Kate Oh no. We have 12.

Tom I couldn't keep her off of me.

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Sarah Baker Release the hound!

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Nora Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!

Hank Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!

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Sarah Baker [hits the bathroom door with her lacrosse stick before Tom pulls her away] You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!

Lorraine [sighs] You blew my concentration.

[smiles happily]

Lorraine Now i get to start all over again. Ha.

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[phone rings and Mike gets it]

Mike Hello?... Whos this?...

[hands the phone to his mom]

Mike Somebody from somethin' somethin'.

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Tom You were checking me out, weren't you?

Kate Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

Tom Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

Kate Whoo!

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[last lines]

Kate [voiceover] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.

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Mike We're gonna move!

[Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute]

Mike Ahhhh!

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Sarah Baker Great. In Midland we were a Family. Now were a support system?

Lorraine Baker A Family is a Support System, Butch

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Sarah Baker Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike First dad forces us to move

Jake Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

Jessica Baker And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!

Mark And he hates kids too.

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Nora I've searched everywhere. Nothing.

Tom Where's Hank?

Nora He's not going to make the cut.

Tom I hope the family isn't to blame.

Nora [smiles] They're totally to blame.

[hug]

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Jake Dude, two words: need new skates.

Kate Dude, three words: paper route.

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Hank [motions to his face] This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.

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Jake Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,

[looks real serious]

Jake eleven.

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Jessica Baker Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!

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Kate You need a paramedic?

Tom No, just a pair o' knees.

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Hank All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.

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Tom They're like kittens.

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Hank So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?

[Tom and Kate looking shocked]

Hank Curiosity!

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Mark Have you seen Beans dad?

Tom Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

Mark It's Mark.

Tom I knew that.

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Tom Clean up on aisle 12.

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Hank Twelve kids... that's nuts.

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[With his football players]

Tom Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.

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Lorraine Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.

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Shake [to another person while Kate is in the room] Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Kate The Wife's name is "Kate", Shake.

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Lorraine Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas.

Henry Baker He died on Easter, Barbie!

Jessica Baker He was resurrected on Easter, moron.

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Tom She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.

Kate No. No way. No, she knows the rules.

[Talking to the kids]

Kate She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,

[to Tom]

Kate no.

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Kate [referring to Hank] He's not a doorknob.

Jake He irons his jeans, Mom.

Kate Yeah that's weird.

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Tom Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.

Nigel Baker Yeah, the hot dog.

[Tom gives him a look]

Nigel Baker Mom said it first.

Shake We're having adult time here, boys.

Kyle Baker No idea what that means.

Tom Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

Kyle Baker Sounds wicked boring.

Shake It is. So why don't you run along?

Kyle Baker Mom's right. He is a weiner.

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Tom *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

Mike What's grounded?

Tom What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

Sarah Baker But that

Tom Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

Jake Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

Tom That's exactly what it means.

Kim Baker But we brought his presents already.

Tom *You are going to miss it

[Kids are quiet]

Tom Now, go to bed.

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Lorraine [walks into kitchen] I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.

Tom Three.

Lorraine Done.

Tom Good now help your sister butter the toast.

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Jake Want to play catch with the football I got you?

Dylan Shenk My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

Jake Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.

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Kate [seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family] Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?

[after Nora doesn't respond, she claps]

Kate NORA, STOP!

[Nora breaks away from Hank]

Kate Yeah, uh huh.

Kate Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary. Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.

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Jessica Baker [about Mark] Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.

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Tom Baker [while on the phone with Kate, a dart hits the ground in front of his shoes] What did I say about throwing darts?

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Kate Baker Like you said, twelve's a big number...

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Tom [while they're hanging from the chandelier] So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?

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Jessica Baker Dad, can I kill Jake now?

Tom No, finish washing the car first!

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Mike [shouts] Heads up!

[Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face]

Tom Little less wrist, Mike.

Tom [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it]

Mike Got it.

Mike [shouts] Game on!

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Kate Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.

Tom [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.

[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]

Tom I... I'd just hate to break that up.

Kate Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.

Tom bye.

[hangs up]

Nigel Baker C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!

Kyle Baker Take it like a man!

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Lorraine Baker Up 'til now I've been, like, mellow about this whole having-it-all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently into. A, because Sarah has the drama queen role totally covered, and B, because I have benefited from your salary spike in various shallow but nonetheless pleasing ways.

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Kate Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.

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Kim Baker Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?

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Tom [when Kate leaves] Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!

[kids stare blankly]

Tom C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.

[kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]

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Sarah Baker Classic.

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