Miss Congeniality Movie Quotes
Stan Fields
Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.
Cheryl "Rhode Island"
That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
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Gracie Hart
I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!
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Gracie Hart
You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...
[singsonging]
Gracie Hart
You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...
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Kathy Morningside
New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?
Gracie Hart
Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
[audience applauds]
Victor Melling
My God, I did it!
Gracie Hart
And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.
Victor Melling
A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
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Victor Melling
I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park"!
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Gracie Hart
The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!
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Gracie Hart
Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.
Victor Melling
You are not having sex on this stage.
Gracie Hart
I didn't know that was an option.
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[Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]
Gracie Hart
I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...
All Girls
Ooh.
Gracie Hart
Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.
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Victor Melling
What, no armored car?
Gracie Hart
That would be in my other dress.
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Kathy Morningside
Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant...
Gracie Hart
Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.
Kathy Morningside
Yeah, yeah.
Gracie Hart
*Yes*!
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Eric Matthews
You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.
Gracie Hart
I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
Eric Matthews
Funny, me too.
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Victor Melling
The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.
Gracie Hart
What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?
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Victor Melling
[teaching Gracie how to glide]
See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
Gracie Hart
It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
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Victor Melling
Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
Gracie Hart
Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
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Eric Matthews
Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?
Gracie Hart
No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.
Eric Matthews
No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?
Gracie Hart
Lost a bet?
Eric Matthews
Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.
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Eric Matthews
This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.
Gracie Hart
Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.
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Victor Melling
By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?
Gracie Hart
I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.
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Victor Melling
I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.
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Kathy Morningside
Of course he had a gun. This is Texas, everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!
Stan Fields
I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
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Victor Melling
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
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Eric Matthews
Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?
Gracie Hart
You want me to beat it out of her?
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Karen "New York"
I just want to let all the lesbians out there know: if I can make it to the top ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
Dave the Pageant Director
Get her off of there! Go to Stan!
Karen "New York"
[to a girl in the audience]
Tina, I love you, baby!
Tina
Oh, Karen! I love you, Karen!
Karen "New York"
Yo, Tina! I love you, baby!
[Gracie, watching the scene, applauds, whoops, and nods in approval]
Stan Fields
And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians - interviews!
Dave the Pageant Director
Bumper, commercial, can we say lesbians?
Assistant Director
You got a problem with that?
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[Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]
Eric Matthews
Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.
Gracie Hart
I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!
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Victor Melling
This woman has no talent!
Eric Matthews
Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!
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Stan Fields
What is the one most important thing our society needs?
Gracie Hart
That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
[crowd is silent]
Gracie Hart
And world peace!
[crowd cheers ecstatically]
Stan Fields
Thank you, Gracie Lou.
Gracie Hart
And thank *you*, Stan.
[Gracie walks offstage]
Victor Melling
That was charming. Are you drunk?
Gracie Hart
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!
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[after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool]
Gracie Hart
Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.
Eric Matthews
You look good wet.
Gracie Hart
Shut up!
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Eric Matthews
Operation "Thong" has commenced.
Gracie Hart
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
Eric Matthews
I knew she'd like that one.
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Victor Melling
Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.
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Eric Matthews
You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!
Gracie Hart
Eric, I haven't slept in two days!
Eric Matthews
I'll give you a cookie.
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Gracie Hart
In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?
Miss Hawaii
So?
Gracie Hart
So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?
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Eric Matthews
Maybe we could have dinner, you know?
Gracie Hart
What? You, like, asking me on a date?
Eric Matthews
No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!
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Victor Melling
He's with me.
Eric Matthews
I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...
Victor Melling
Come on, muffin!
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Gracie Hart
Oh my gosh, it's the crown!
Victor Melling
Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?
[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]
Victor Melling
Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!
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[arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]
Eric Matthews
Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
Victor Melling
How dare you, you cupcake!
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Gracie Hart
I would so love to hurt you right now.
Victor Melling
As long as you smile.
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Victor Melling
If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
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Stan Fields
Prepare for what promises to be a day of astounding musical, theatrical, and dancing talent. And after I'm finished you can see the ladies!
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Eric Matthews
Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
Gracie Hart
No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!
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Eric Matthews
What do you say, Hart?
Gracie Hart
No freakin' way.
Eric Matthews
Sparky, why not?
Gracie Hart
Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?
Eric Matthews
It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.
Gracie Hart
Yeah, right, in a thong.
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Gracie Hart
Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.
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[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]
Gracie Hart
Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.
[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]
Gracie Hart
What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?
Victor Melling
It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
Gracie Hart
Really.
[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]
Gracie Hart
Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.
[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]
Gracie Hart
What are you doing?
Victor Melling
It stops the suit from riding up.
Gracie Hart
Riding up where?
Victor Melling
Just... up!
Gracie Hart
That is enough!
Victor Melling
Why do you make things difficult for me?
Gracie Hart
Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!
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Gracie Hart
His ego is like this big and his equpment is like this big!
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Cheryl "Rhode Island"
My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.
Karen "New York"
No wonder you're still a virgin.
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[to models refusing pizza and beer]
Gracie Hart
It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.
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[after McDonald sees himself in a bikini on the computer]
Eric Matthews
We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.
McDonald
And I'm the best we have. That doesn't inspire much confidence.
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Eric Matthews
All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.
Eric Matthews
Yeah, remember, you like that name.
Gracie Hart
Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.
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Kathy Morningside
You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
Gracie Hart
What, you think that their dream is to get blown up?
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Gracie Hart
Where am I gonna keep my gun?
Eric Matthews
Nowhere I wanna know about!
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[answering her question during the final five round]
Cheryl "Rhode Island"
In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.
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Victor Melling
In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!
Gracie Hart
Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
Victor Melling
Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!
Gracie Hart
You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
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Gracie Hart
You know what...
[grabs Eric in a headlock]
Gracie Hart
Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?
Eric Matthews
He doesn't hate you!
Gracie Hart
Is it some woman thing?
[Eric knocks her to the floor]
Eric Matthews
Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!
[Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down]
Gracie Hart
He's punishing me, isn't he?
Gracie Hart
What?
Eric Matthews
Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!
[they roll over attacking each other]
Gracie Hart
[Sitting on Eric again]
This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!
[They roll around again]
[Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again]
Gracie Hart
[Eric's feet squeezing her face]
Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...
Eric Matthews
Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...
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Gracie Hart
My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?
Victor Melling
Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
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Victor Melling
Your hair should make a statement.
Gracie Hart
As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!
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Kathy Morningside
Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?
[Kathy walks off with Gracie]
Victor Melling
One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!
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Gracie Hart
Look, she's gonna cry again.
[imitating winner]
Gracie Hart
"Oh, if I only had a brain."
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[a dentist is cleaning Grace's teeth, and a barber is untangling her hair]
Gracie Hart
Can't I get some Novocain?
Dentist
It's only a cleaning.
Gracie Hart
No, I'm talking about Sweeney Todd back here.
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Gracie Hart
Donut Nazi.
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[after getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream]
Gracie Hart
I'm going to get chip-faced.
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Gracie Hart
You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!
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Eric Matthews
We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.
Gracie Hart
And her performance in a little film called "Arma-get-it-on."
Stan Fields
Was that her?
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Victor Melling
Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?
Gracie Hart
Because I'm preparing to run away!
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Miss Hawaii
Oh I know and it's an honor to have made it this far, I mean especially when you come from such a small state,
Cheryl "Rhode Island"
Oh that's so true. Us Rhode Islanders...
Miss Hawaii
Umm I wasn't finished. Did it sound like I was finished?
Cheryl "Rhode Island"
I'm sorry. I,
Karen "New York"
Ay Dios, what are you apologizing to her for? She's obviously been drinking too much Coppertone.
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Grace's father
[from trailer] Honey, are you a lesbian?
Gracie Hart
[snorts] I wish!
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Kathy Morningside
I would much rather cancel the show than have my girls blown up.
Stan Fields
Especially without their knowledge.
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Stan Fields
And we'll be right back with our five final lesbians - interviews!
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Frank Tobin
You're a genius.
Kathy Morningside
No, Frank, I'm just pissed off.
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Gracie Hart
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's *Correctional* Facility Pageant, huh, huh?
[chuckles to herself, then turns to Matthews]
Gracie Hart
Get it, the Women's Correctional Facility Pageant...?
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Gracie Hart
Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?
Victor Melling
Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!
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[at the pageant breakfast]
Stan Fields
As you know, I'll be retiring this year.
[everyone moans in sympathy]
Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas
Oh, he's not retiring. I spoke to him this morning, the poor man blurted out the whole thing. They're firing him. Going for someone newer and younger. I hope it's Ricky Martin.
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Gracie Hart
Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!
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Cheryl "Rhode Island"
I was like a female Rain Man!
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Victor Melling
There are no words.
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Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas
Will you please go back to the mothership?
Frank Tobin
Only if you go with me, Tex-ass.
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Victor Melling
I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.
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Cheryl "Rhode Island"
Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties!
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Eric Matthews
Why don't just you shut up?
Gracie Hart
Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.
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Cheryl "Rhode Island"
My parents don't like anything ostentatious. And they really don't like fire.
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Agent Clonsky
McDonald called. He saw Hart's little anti-smoking commercial, he's on his way down.
Eric Matthews
Oh, good, perfect, because I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone!
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[last lines]
Gracie Hart
I really do want world peace.
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[repeated line]
Karen "New York"
Bizzaro!
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Eric Matthews
Is this you not arguing? 'Cause you suck at it.
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[as they get dressed before the ceremony]
Miss Hawaii
No insults today?
Karen "New York"
[pathetic]
You're a Don Ho.
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Miss Hawaii
I would have to say, world peace.
Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas
Definitely, world peace.
Leslie 'California'
That's easy; world peace.
Karen "New York"
World peace.
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