The Royal Tenenbaums 2001 - Movie Quotes

[in a hospital ward]

Chas Why did you try to kill yourself?

Ethel Don't press him right now.

Richie I wrote a suicide note.

Chas You did?

Richie Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.

Chas Can we read it?

Richie No.

Chas Can you paraphrase it for us?

Richie I don't think so.

Chas Is it dark?

Richie Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.

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Royal Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

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Raleigh [after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] She smokes.

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Royal I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

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Margot I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.

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[Royal motions to Pagoda]

Royal He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.

Ari Who stabbed you?

[Royal motions to Pagoda again]

Royal He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.

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Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship

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Eli I'm not in love with you any more.

Margot I didn't know you ever were.

Eli Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.

Margot OK.

Eli OK, what?

Margot OK, I'm not in love with you either.

Eli Yes, I know, you're in love with Richie. Which is sick and gross.

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[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]

Royal Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.

Narrator Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

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Chas I've had a rough year, dad.

Royal I know you have, Chassie.

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Eli I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.

Richie But you didn't have a drug problem then.

Eli Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

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Royal You know, Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.

Richie Dad, you were never dying.

Royal But I'm going to live.

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Royal I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.

Henry Sherman I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.

Royal Well, I really appreciate that.

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Tennis Match Commentator #1 That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward?

Tex Hayward I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

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Richie I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

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Eli Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

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Royal Let's shag ass.

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Margot Do you send my mother your clippings and your grades from college?

Eli Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day til I started getting good reviews.

Margot Your reviews aren't that good.

Eli But the sales are.

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Medical Student [about Dudley] Can the boy tell time?

Raleigh Oh, my Lord, no.

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Eli [to Richie] I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know?

Royal [quietly] Me too. Me too.

Eli It doesn't mean what it used to though, does it?

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Margot [about Richie's suicide attempt] Why'd you do it? Because of me?

Richie Yeah, but it's not your fault.

Margot You're not going to do it again, are you?

Richie I doubt it.

[Margot starts to cry]

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Eli [reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

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Narrator All memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster.

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Royal Everyone's against me.

Pagoda It's your fault, man.

Royal I know but dammit, I want this family to love me.

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Raleigh [Into tape recorder, softly] Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.

Dudley Heinsbergen [from adjoining room] I'm not color blind, am I?

Raleigh I'm afraid you are.

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Eli Did I hit the dog?

Chas Yeah.

Eli Is he dead?

Chas Yeah.

Eli I need help.

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Young Chas Tenenbaum [about Margot's play] Well, what'd you think, Dad?

Royal Didn't seem believable to me.

[to Eli]

Royal Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?

Young Richie Tenenbaum He has permission to sleep over.

Young Chas Tenenbaum Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?

Royal What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.

Young Margot Tenenbaum Good night, everyone.

Royal Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.

[Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]

Narrator He had not been invited to any of their parties since.

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Raleigh You don't love me any more, do you?

Margot I do, kind of. I can't explain it right now.

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[Pagoda stabs Royal]

Royal That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?

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[Richie tells his father Royal he's in love with Margot, his adopted sister]

Royal Margot Tenenbaum?

Richie Yeah.

Royal Well, since when?

Richie Since always.

Royal Does she know?

Richie Uh-huh.

Royal Well, what does she feel about that?

Richie I think she feels confused.

Royal Well, I can understand that, it's probably illegal!

Richie I don't think so, we're not related by blood.

Royal That's true. It's still frowned upon. But then, what isn't these days, right?

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Dudley Heinsbergen [pointing at the battered Gypsy Cab] That cab has a dent in it.

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Richie I have to tell you something...

Margot What's that?

Richie I love you.

Margot I love you, too.

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Raleigh Are you ever coming home?

Margot Maybe not.

Raleigh You're joking.

Margot No.

Raleigh Well, I want to die.

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Royal Chas has those boys cooped up like a pair of jackrabbits, Ethel.

Ethel He has his reasons.

Royal Oh, I know that, but you can't raise boys to be scared of life. You gotta brew some recklessness into them.

Ethel I think that's terrible advice.

Royal No, you don't.

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Royal [Points to Henry] He's not your father.

Margot Neither are you.

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Eli Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

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[last lines]

[the family is gathered at the cemetery]

Narrator Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.

[Chas, now wearing a blac Adidas tracksuit, nods to his sons]

Ari Fire!

[Ari and Uzi, also in black Adidas tracksuits, fire their air rifles into the air]

Ari Fire!

[they fire again]

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Eli What'd you say?

Richie Hmm?

Eli What?

Richie I didn't say anything.

Eli When? Right now?

[a pause]

Eli I'm sorry, don't listen to me. I'm on mescaline. I've been spaced out all day.

Richie Did you say you're on mescaline?

Eli I did, indeed. Very much so.

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Eli I'm worried about you, Richie.

Richie Why?

Eli Well, actually, Margot is, for some reason. But I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.

Richie Yeah.

Eli And she's your sister.

Richie Adopted.

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Royal Are you trying to steal my woman?

Henry Sherman I beg your pardon?

Royal You heard me, Coltrane.

Henry Sherman Coltrane?

Royal What?

Henry Sherman Did you just call me Coltrane?

Royal No.

Henry Sherman You didn't?

Royal No.

Henry Sherman Okay.

[he turns away]

Royal But if I did... you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?

Henry Sherman You don't think so?

Royal No, I don't.

Henry Sherman Listen, Royal, if you think you can just march in here...

Royal You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you never heard!

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[at the hospital, after Richie has slashed his wrists]

Margot Dudley, where is he?

Dudley Heinsbergen [has Richie's blood splattered all over his shirt] Who?

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Royal Got a minute?

Ethel [startled] What are you doing here?

Royal Uh, I need a favour. I want to spend some time with you and the children.

Ethel Are you crazy?

[she carries on walking]

Royal Well, wait a minute, dammit!

Ethel Stop following me!

Royal Well, I want my family back.

Ethel Well, you can't have it! I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.

Royal Well, listen... Baby, I'm dying.

[she stops]

Royal Yeah, I-I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.

Ethel What are you talking about? What's happening? Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know...

[starts crying]

Ethel Well, what'd they say? What is the prognosis?

Royal [trying to comfort her] Take it easy, Ethel. Now, hold on, baby, hold on. Hold on, OK?

[she starts wailing]

Ethel Where is the doctor?

Royal Well, look, just wait a second now. Wait a second. OK, uh, listen, I'm not dying... but I need some time. A month or so. OK? I want us to-to...

[she slaps him hard]

Ethel WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you crazy?

[she walks off]

Royal Ethel, baby... I am dying.

[she comes back to him]

Ethel Are you or aren't you?

Royal What? Dying? Yeah.

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Ethel How long have you been a smoker?

Margot 22 years.

Ethel Well, I think you should quit.

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Dudley Heinsbergen You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?

Raleigh [lying on the couch, depressed after hearing about Margot's adultery] No.

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Narrator Margot Tenenbaum was adopted at age 2. Her father had always noted this when introducing her.

Royal [at a dinner party] This is my adopted daughter, Margot Tenenbaum.

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Royal Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.

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Ari Were you in prison?

Royal Kinda. Minimum security. I got jacked by the IRS. Shall we split?

Ari Yes, sir.

Royal No, call me Mr. Tennenbaum.

Ari OK.

Royal Oh, I'm kidding. Call me Pappy.

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[Royal is telling his children that he and their mother are splitting up]

Young Margot Tenenbaum Is it our fault?

Royal No, no. Obviously, we made certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no, Lord, no.

Young Richie Tenenbaum Then why'd she ask you to leave?

Royal I don't really know anymore. Maybe, uh, I wasn't as true to her as I could have been.

Young Chas Tenenbaum Well, she said...

Royal Let's just drop it, shall we, Chassie?

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Royal First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.

Richie I haven't been out there since I was 6.

Margot I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited.

Royal Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now.

Richie You know, Rachael's buried out there too.

Royal Who?

Chas My wife.

Royal Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.

[Chas slams his book shut and angrily walks out]

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Peter Bradley [interviewing Eli Cash on television] Now, your previous novel...

Eli Yes, Wildcat.

Peter Bradley Not a success. Why?

Eli Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...

[long pause as he starts to become spaced out]

Eli [whispering] Wildcat... wild... cat... pow... wildcat...

[he gets up]

Eli I'm gonna go. I'm taking this off and I'm going. Stepping out.

Royal [watching the television] What the hell kind of way to act is that?

Richie He's on drugs.

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Royal [about Raleigh] You're two-timing him with that bloodsucker Eli Cash. Now, that's just not right, dammit. You used to be a genius.

Margot No, I didn't.

Royal Anyway, that's what they used to say.

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Royal [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954] She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?

Chas I wouldn't know. Excuse me.

[he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave]

Royal Oh, that's right, we've got another body buried here, haven't we?

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[Chas has told Royal to get out of the house. As Royal gets up to leave he suddenly seems to suffer some kind of 'attack' and falls to the floor]

Chas Are you OK?

Royal [with a wooden spoon between his teeth] 'Fuck do you care?

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Royal Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us?

Margot No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them.

Royal Get him to stick them in a fucking cage or something.

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Richie Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?

Eli Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would have she repeated that, I wonder?

Richie Well, I would ask you the same question.

Eli Rightly so.

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Royal [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?

[cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]

Judge And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?

Royal Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...

Royal's Lawyer Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?

Chas Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.

[Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]

Chas He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.

[Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]

Royal [back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?

Chas Why should I?

Royal Because you're hurting me.

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Ethel Royal, this is Henry Sherman.

Royal [shaking hands with him] Hey, lay it on me, man.

Henry Sherman How do you do?

Royal Not too well, I'm dying.

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[Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]

Etheline Tenenbaum Chas? What's going on?

Chas We got locked out of our apartment.

Etheline Tenenbaum Well, did you call a locksmith?

Chas Uh huh.

Etheline Tenenbaum Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags before you got locked out?

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Royal So, what do you think of this big old black buck moving in up there?

Richie Who?

Royal Henry Sherman. You know him?

Richie Yeah.

Royal Is he worth a damn?

Richie I believe so.

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Margot You probably don't even know my middle name.

Royal That's a trick question. You don't have one.

Margot Helen.

Royal That was my mother's name.

Margot I know it was.

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[Henry has gathered the family into Royal's room]

Henry Sherman Pagoda has something to say.

Pagoda [points at Royal] He has a cancer.

Henry Sherman No, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries if you got it. The pain is excruciating.

Royal How would you know?

Henry Sherman My wife had it. Not only is there no Dr. McClure at Colby General, there is no Colby General. It closed in 1974.

Royal [getting out of bed] Aw, shit, man.

Pagoda Oh, shit, man.

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[first lines]

Narrator Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated.

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Eli [immediately after landing in the front room after crashing his car into the house] Where's my shoe?

[on cue, Dudley retrieves his shoe]

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Ethel What are you talking about?

Chas The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.

Ethel But there are no sprinklers here either.

Chas We might have to do something about that too.

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Richie I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.

Ethel Have you spoken to him about this?

Richie Briefly. And he agreed that...

Chas I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?

Richie That he come here and stay in my room.

Chas Are you out of your mind?

Richie No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...

Chas Who gives a shit?

Richie I do.

Chas You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.

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Ethel Raleigh says you've been spending 6 hours a day locked in here, watching television and soaking in the tub.

Margot [lying in the bath] I doubt that.

Ethel Well, I don't think that's very healthy, do you? Nor do I think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the bathtub.

Margot I tie it to the radiator.

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Eli [hearing the news that Royal is dying] I am very sorry, Margot.

Margot It's okay. We're not actually related anyway.

Eli True.

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Raleigh You've made a cuckold of me.

Margot I know.

Raleigh Many times over.

Margot I'm sorry.

Raleigh And you nearly killed your poor brother.

Ethel What's he talking about?

Margot It doesn't matter.

Raleigh She's balling Eli Cash.

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Richie You dropped some cigarettes.

Margot Those aren't mine.

Richie They just fell out of your pocket.

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Royal [to Etheline, about Henry] I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not.

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[the priest breaks his ankle and is being loaded into the ambulance]

Raleigh Do you have an alternate?

Priest No.

Raleigh Are there priests on call?

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[after the fire drill]

Chas Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.

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Uzi Tenenbaum Who's your father?

Chas His name is Royal Tenenbaum.

Ari You told us he was already dead.

Chas Yeah, well, now he's really dying.

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Royal [seeing Ethel with Henry for the first time] Look at that old grizzly bear.

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Richie Read it back to me so far, Pietro.

Cote d'Ivoire Radio Operator [speaks with an Italian accent, his words are shown in subtitles] "Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean. I haven't left my room in four days. I've never been more lonely in my life, and I think I'm in love with Margot."

Richie New paragraph.

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Ari [about Margot's severed finger] Did you try to sew it back on?

Margot Wasn't worth it.

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Royal [outside the hospital, having been refused in to visit Richie] We could shimmy up that gutter, jump over that window ledge, and then pry open that ventilator shaft.

Pagoda [points] There he is.

[they see Richie getting onto a bus]

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Chas Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.

Margot Don't talk to him like that.

Henry Sherman Call me Henry.

Chas I prefer Mr. Sherman.

Ethel Call him Henry.

Chas Why? I don't know him that well.

Ethel You've known him for 10 years.

Chas As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.

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Henry Sherman I just wanted to apologize for the other day, when I proposed to you.

Ethel Why? I thought it was very sweet.

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[after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside]

Chas Get out.

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Chas Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.

Richie He's your dad too, Chas.

Chas No, he's not.

Richie Yes, he is.

Chas You really hate me, don't you?

Richie No. I don't. I love you.

Chas Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.

Richie Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.

Chas Stop saying that!

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Ethel [about Royal's fake terminal illness charade] Were you part of this, Pagoda?

Henry Sherman Of course he was.

Royal No... well, yeah, he was, but, I mean, he wasn't *that* involved.

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[During a war game with BB guns]

Royal [on top of a roof, aiming at Chas] Hold it Chassie. Hold it right there.

Young Chas Tenenbaum What are you doing? You're on my team!

Royal Ha-ha! There are no teams!

[he shoots at Chas, hitting his hand. Chas screams in pain and shoots back at him. Royal laughs as he ducks out of the way]

Narrator The BB was still lodged between two knuckles in Chas's left hand.

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Richie And I heard about Eli.

Margot I know. Poor Eli. Anyway, we mostly just talked about you.

Richie You did?

Margot Yeah. I guess that was the attraction, if you know what I mean.

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[to Royal]

Chas Please don't come in this room.

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Young Richie Tenenbaum Go Mordecai!

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Ethel He was depressed.

Margot So am I!

Ethel So are you, what?

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Royal I used to be a homeowner but my Son Expropriated the House from me...

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Gravestone [Chas's Wife] Salt of the Earth.

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Royal I got a pretty bad case of cancer.

Chas [yawns] How long you gonna last?

Royal Not long.

Chas A month? A year?

Royal About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.

[Chas scoffs and mock laughs]

Royal Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?

Chas No.

Royal Do you speak for everyone?

Chas I speak for myself.

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Richie Are we still friends?

Eli What?

Richie Are we?

Eli Of course. How can you even ask me that?

Richie Doesn't matter.

Eli Doesn't matter? It does matter.

Richie I heard about you and Margot.

Eli [long pause] I'm sorry.

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Eli How's Richie?

Margot I don't know. I can't tell.

Eli Yeah, me neither. He wrote me a letter. He says he's in love with you.

Margot What are you talking about?

Eli That's what he said. I don't know how we're supposed to take it.

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The Royal Tenenbaums Movie Quotes