RoyalAnybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
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Raleigh[after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash]She smokes.
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RoyalI'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
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MargotI think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.
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[Royal motions to Pagoda]
RoyalHe saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
AriWho stabbed you?
[Royal motions to Pagoda again]
RoyalHe did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.
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Royal Tenenbaum's epitaphRoyal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
EliYes, I know, you're in love with Richie. Which is sick and gross.
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[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]
RoyalLook, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
NarratorImmediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
RoyalI've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry ShermanI don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Tennis Match Commentator #1That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward?
Tex HaywardI don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
Eli[reading part of his newest novel at a press conference]The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
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NarratorAll memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster.
RoyalI know but dammit, I want this family to love me.
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Raleigh[Into tape recorder, softly]Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.
Dudley Heinsbergen[from adjoining room]I'm not color blind, am I?
RoyalWhy are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie TenenbaumHe has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas TenenbaumWell, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
RoyalWhat characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot TenenbaumGood night, everyone.
RoyalWell, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
[Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]
NarratorHe had not been invited to any of their parties since.
EliWhy would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
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[last lines]
[the family is gathered at the cemetery]
NarratorAmong the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.
[Chas, now wearing a blac Adidas tracksuit, nods to his sons]
AriFire!
[Ari and Uzi, also in black Adidas tracksuits, fire their air rifles into the air]
Henry ShermanNo, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries if you got it. The pain is excruciating.
NarratorRoyal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated.
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Eli[immediately after landing in the front room after crashing his car into the house]Where's my shoe?
Cote d'Ivoire Radio Operator[speaks with an Italian accent, his words are shown in subtitles]"Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean. I haven't left my room in four days. I've never been more lonely in my life, and I think I'm in love with Margot."
Royal[outside the hospital, having been refused in to visit Richie]We could shimmy up that gutter, jump over that window ledge, and then pry open that ventilator shaft.
Pagoda[points]There he is.
[they see Richie getting onto a bus]
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ChasPlease don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.