A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy 1982 - Movie Quotes

Andrew Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

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Andrew It's nothing serious - just an arrow in his heart.

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Ariel He taught me a lot...

Andrew Like what?

Ariel Like how to listen to Mozart.

Andrew With your ears, right?

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Ariel How's your marriage?

Andrew My marriage is fine.

Ariel Ya?...

Andrew It's not working but it's fine.

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Adrian [Referring to sex] I can't! It's disgusting!

Andrew How can it be disgusting? I don't even have my clothes off.

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Andrew He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.

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Andrew I'm not a poet. I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street.

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Maxwell I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.

Andrew Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.

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Leopold I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.

Ariel When Raphael first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

Andrew Had he eaten?

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Andrew Only a drunken, infantile idiot shoots himself over love, not an internist.

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Maxwell I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.

Andrew Well, smell someone else. She's taken.

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Andrew Adrian, this is the kitchen table. What are you doing?

Adrian Making...

Andrew We cannot have intercourse where we eat oatmeal!

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Dulcy [Aroused] Leopold, bite me. Harder. Harder!

Leopold I can't. These are not my teeth.

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Dulcy There's another sapsucker!

Maxwell How come everything you say sounds dirty?

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Andrew You, I have to take to a hypnotist.

Adrian Why?

Andrew Why? So we can start making love again. Of course, you'd be in trance. But, that's okay!

Adrian That's a horrible thing to say.

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Leopold Have you ever made love with a much older man?

Dulcy Yes.

Leopold Illicitly? In the woods?

Dulcy Yes.

Leopold Was he a genius.

Dulcy He was a dentist.

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Ariel Andrew, we'll get killed!

Andrew No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.

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Dulcy A hammock! That's so nostalgic for me. I lost it in a hammock.

Adrian Pardon me?

Dulcy You have to have really good balance.

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Andrew Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?

Maxwell She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.

Andrew Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

Maxwell You only live once, Andrew, you know that.

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Dulcy I couldn't sleep. So, I came downstairs to read The Katzenjammer Kids.

Leopold Katzenjammer Kids? That's extraordinary. That's what happened in the dream.

Dulcy What dream?

Leopold Just now. Before I awoke. I was dreaming this.

Dulcy Me?

Leopold Precisely this! This is incredible. We were alone and you were lying across a sofa and you were reading and I asked you what and you said, "Katzenjammer Kids." And I thought it was funny. And then, your robe fell open, slightly. Only slightly. The way it is now. And I was taken with a great erotic fervor. And all the terrible thoughts of my whole life, that I'd been afraid to unleash, poured forth.

Dulcy How did I react?

Leopold Then you pressed your lips to mine and then the scene changed. And we were two savages in the wilderness. It was a prehistoric era. And I was a neanderthal, hunting my enemies with primitive weapons, and loving you uninhibitedly!

Dulcy Jesus, what did you eat before you went to bed?

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Andrew She's loved me from the first day I took her to a baseball game!

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Andrew You never have any interests in getting married? Right?

Maxwell I don't stick around long enough to fall in love, Andrew. You know what I'm like. Marriage for me is the death of hope.

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Ariel You showed me your latest invention.

Andrew Of course, my musical house slippers. Remember that?

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Maxwell What are you smiling at, Miss Ford?

Dulcy Oh, I was thinking about something I'd read in The Katzenjammer Kids.

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Maxwell So, how did you and Leopold meet?

Ariel We were both tourists at St. Peter's in Rome.

Maxwell You picked her up at the Vatican, Leopold?

Ariel My whole life I wanted to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Leopold I met her in the Basilica before one of the lesser Madonnas. I couldn't resist the impulse to speak with this heavenly creature.

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Leopold When prehistoric man roamed these very woods, naked and savage.

Dulcy You mean the good old days?

Leopold Yes! You think you'd like to see some long-haired neanderthal, his primitive weapon in hand, stalking through the brush like an animal, never dreaming that someday he will be extinct and *culture* will be the order of the day.

Dulcy Well, I'd like to try it for one night.

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Andrew All right, now I know my flying bicycle won't handle that weight, that's all.

Ariel We could have been killed!

Andrew Not killed. Not killed. Crippled! Here, here. You're shaking.

Ariel That lake is cold.

Andrew You're shivering. Come on, you're shaking. You know, you're wet.

Ariel I know I'm wet!

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Maxwell I believe in science and sex.

Leopold Not love?

Maxwell Yes. Love at first sight.

Adrian Can there be love without sex?

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Leopold I will not play the cuckold to that medical goat!

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Leopold Metaphysical philosophers are simply men who are too weak to accept the world as it is. Their theories of the so-called mysteries of life, are nothing more than projections of their own inner uneasiness. Apart from this world, there are *no* realities.

Student But, that leaves many basic human needs - unanswered.

Leopold I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos, I merely explain it.

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Leopold Come now, gentlemen. Am I to be over-praised merely for the accomplishments of being a civilized human?

Bearded Professor And what after the wedding, Leopold?

Leopold We are only having one week of leisure; which we will spend in London. A long waited opportunity to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave. Following that, we depart for the Continent, where I have - eh - consented to give a series of lectures on Renaissance art. It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto into perspective for his innumerable sycophants.

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Andrew Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning. That was - that was a deeply religious experience on that tabletop.

Adrian Oh, you - it's only the beginning, you know. You wait till everyone's gone. I'll show you what Dulcy calls the Mexican Cartwheel.

Andrew Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.

Adrian It is!

Andrew Is it? Good, I can't wait.

Adrian So, can you forgive me?

Andrew Forgive you? I can ordain you this evening. You've cleared my sinuses for the summer.

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Leopold Blood? I've drawn blood? Who am I?

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Leopold Blood! Blood! I've drawn blood! And I relished it!

Dulcy Leopold, what's gotten into you?

Leopold I've returned from the hunt.

Dulcy Leopold, what's an intellectual genius like you want with a simple young nurse like me?

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Maxwell Andrew, are you all right?

Andrew Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose

Maxwell You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Andrew Andrew, Maxwell: Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

Maxwell He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

Andrew Yeah? Who overcharges me?

Maxwell But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

Andrew I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

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Leopold So, you're an inventor, hey?

Andrew Crackpot inventor...

Adrian Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell 'em about that.

Andrew It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

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Ariel I don't love you.

Maxwell Because you don't know me. Give me ten minutes, ten lousy minutes.

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Professor Is is boorish of me to ask you to inscribe your books?

Leopold Not at all.

Professor I agree with you about Balzac, Leopold. He's vastly overrated.

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Maxwell Did you not know that I had my eye on you these last two weeks?

Dulcy Why, I've only been working here for five days.

Maxwell Oh, I lose track. You always seem so shy around me.

Dulcy The nurses on the floor say you're fast.

Maxwell Me?

Dulcy I mean, I think you're handsome.

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Andrew I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.

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[first lines]

Leopold Ghosts or little spirits or pixies, I don't believe in them. Do you Mr. Foxx?

Student Foxx No, sir.

Leopold You sounded, with all your metaphysical gibberish.

Student Foxx Well, I didn't mean ghosts or spirits, professor.

Leopold Nothing is real, but experience. That which can be touched, tasted felt, or in some scientific fashion proved. We must never substitute qualitative events that are marked by similar properties and reoccurrences for fixed substances.

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Adrian Why does a beautiful day like today give me such a sad feeling?

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Adrian Imagine sharing a bed before marriage? It's a little bit depraved.

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Adrian You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.

Andrew Well, you know, Maxwell, he's a doctor; so, these poor women are in the tubercular ward, they show him gratitude.

Adrian Yeah, well, don't think I don't notice you - you leering at his buxom little weekend guests.

Andrew I leer! I admit it! I look. I leer. I salivate. I salivated the day that I met you!

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Carstairs [kiss] Oh, Maxwell.

[kiss]

Carstairs Mmm.

[kiss]

Carstairs Sweetheart, listen.

[kiss]

Carstairs We can't go on like this.

Maxwell Why not?

[kiss]

Carstairs Mmm. Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.

[kiss]

Maxwell It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.

[kiss]

Carstairs Yes, but, not so many! The President doesn't have this kind of healthcare.

[puts back on her dress]

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Maxwell Come with me, we'll have a fabulous weekend. We'll sun and swim and drink beer. Naturally, I'll make sure we have separate rooms.

Dulcy We don't need separate rooms.

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Adrian She's very free-thinking and forward, isn't she?

Andrew Who? Ariel Weymouth?

Adrian No, Dulcy. She seems to give off animal vibrations.

Andrew No, she's a nurse, you know.

Adrian Well, not every nurse is sexy.

Andrew But, they're very knowledgable about the body. You know, they know exactly how all the organs function; so, they're wonderful.

Adrian Maybe I should ask for lessons?

Andrew [enthusiastically] You know, I bet she'd be willing to answer any questions you might have.

Adrian I was just joking. You think I need lessons?

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Dulcy [showing off her swimsuit] Do you like it?

Maxwell No, No. Not a bit. You know, my blood pressure is always 90 over 680.

Dulcy It drives them wild at Coney Island. But, if we're going to be in a country stream, why do I have to wear anything at all?

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Dulcy I brought some contraceptives with me, in case you forgot.

Maxwell Oh, good; because, I only brought 300.

[kiss]

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Maxwell Blue Moon Glow.

Ariel That's exactly right! I'm amazed! I didn't think they sold it in this country.

Maxwell Well, an old love of mine wore it - a ballerina from Spain.

Ariel And the scent you're wearing, is that Bay Rum?

Maxwell Yes! That's exactly right. From the - straight from the corner drug store. Well, we recognize each other's smells. In the Animal Kingdom, we'd be married.

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Dulcy I've been to Paris twice; but, I was miserable both times. Probably because I was there with the wrong person.

Ariel Oh, that's - that's important. Because, it's such a romantic place. If two people are really in love, a city like Paris becomes a great medium for which to explore their feelings. Don't you think, Leopold?

Leopold I like large cities.

Ariel Oh, and in the rain! Mmm.

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Andrew Do you have any idea how much I lusted after you?

Ariel Well, why didn't you do something? I wanted you to!

Andrew You were this diplomat's daughter, raised by nuns, you know, I was shy! We were not in love. It was pure animal lust!

Ariel That's just what I was in the mood for.

Andrew I know, I know I missed an opportunity. I regretted it ever since. You know, that's the saddest thing in life, a missed opportunity. That was particularly rotten in this case; because, after you left, a month after you went to Europe, I learned, only then, that you were and had been sleeping with everyone. Everyone!

Ariel Not everyone! Well, maybe it was everyone.

Andrew I wouldn't have been the first. I would have been the twenty-first. Writers! Bankers! Poets! The entire infield of the Chicago White Sox.

Ariel You have to admit, I wasn't one of your shrinking, mousy, inhibited little virgins.

Andrew No, that's the understatement of the century.

Ariel What did you want me to do? Take charge? You didn't act like you wanted anything.

Andrew Well, I was used to slower women!

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Ariel Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we'd made love that night. That the moment was so perfect, you know. And people find out things about themselves through lovemaking that they never dreamed of.

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Ariel If you lusted after me so, why weren't you also in love with me? Can the two feelings really be separate?

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Adrian You were fishing with Ariel for such a long time.

Andrew So? I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all. What am I gonna do?

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Dulcy I wouldn't mind learning chess.

Leopold I feel it would be tame for you.

Dulcy Well, I like the way the stallions look.

Leopold They're called knights. That's a knight. Not a stallion.

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Andrew You just lust after her, that's all. You're not in love with her. You want to sleep with her.

Maxwell How could anyone just want to sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot! She's very hot.

Andrew I know.

Maxwell You know, the ones that are incredible in bed are ones that are raised in a convent.

Andrew Maxwell, do me a favor. Go play with your butterfly net.

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Maxwell You know, you're not too over-educated to get a punch in the nose.

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Dulcy It's like swimming. It's a measured stroke. And remember, here's the key: when the sperm count is low, they won't listen to reason. But, when the sperm count is high, they'll do anything you want.

Adrian It sounds awfully clinical.

Dulcy Well, we're just going over some basics. But, if you love the guy, it should all come together with a certain sense of danger and excitement. You shouldn't just limit yourself to the bedroom. It should be full of surprise and spontaneity. It shouldn't be routine.

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Adrian Where will you settle after you marry?

Leopold I've taken a townhouse near the University. I can't wait for Ariel to meet the professors and their wives. Already I'm the envy of entire faculty. You'll adore Professor Eddy and his wife. They're a very entertaining couple with a kind of a theme to their marriage. You see, he specializes in Dr. Johnson and she teaches Boswell. So, they're an entertaining, amusing couple and I look forward to many wonderful chats.

Adrian Well, to wonderful chats and Boswell and Johnson and Leopold and Ariel and this summer night and you two, of course...

Dulcy And Maxwell.

Adrian And to Dr. Maxwell Jordan.

Andrew Doctor of high jinks!

Leopold Of course, to Adrian and Andrew.

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Maxwell How can you resist? The moon is full. You're about to be married forever. This is your last free night. Spend it with me. Not all of it. Ten minutes, just talking. I know if you knew me better, you'd like me. You don't want to get married with a nagging thought, "Maybe I should have, after all, it wasn't such a poker. Maybe if I'd given him ten minutes, against all odds, he would have changed my mind. Now, it's too late. Here, I am, the Professor's wife. Secure, it's true; yet, something's missing. Maybe if I'd acted." Regrets couldn't haunt you.

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Dulcy Isn't it true, the best opportunities only happen once.

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Leopold There are no ghost, except, in Shakespeare and any of those are more real than many people that I know.

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Maxwell I guess if marriage is the death of hope; then, the night before marriage, there's still hope.

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Andrew Nobody plans these things, Maxwell, they just happen. You gotta be a little mature.

Maxwell Mature?

Andrew That's right.

Maxwell I'll show you what mature is. You're a backstabbing little runt!

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Ariel What are you going to do?

Maxwell I'll go for a walk. I'll throw a rock in the brook. I'll go to sleep. I'll - don't worry, I'm not a drunken infantile idiot - I'll - I'll go back to my bedroom and I'll get anesthetized with meaningless lovemaking.

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Ariel Boy, time passes. Before you know it, a little hair falls out, a little noise becomes bothersome. I guess we're just - we change. We become different people.

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Adrian It was a perfect moon lite summer night. He put his hands on my breasts and my blood just started to boil and afterwards I've never been able to rid myself of the guilt.

Andrew But, you enjoyed it?

Adrian Oh, yeah, definitely! It was hot!

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Ariel You said you believed in love at first sight.

Maxwell It's all in the smell. And you smell wonderful.

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A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy Movie Quotes