Mark Rumsfield
Klopek... what is that, Slavic?
Reuben
No!
Mark Rumsfield
'Bout a nine on the tension scale, Reub.
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Ray Peterson
I've never seen that. I've never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and bang the hell out of it with a stick. I-I've never seen that.
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Ray Peterson
Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, Art, people like Skip, people who mow their lawn for the 800th time, and then SNAP? WELL, THAT'S US. IT'S NOT THEM, THAT'S US. WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking in through people's windows. We're the ones who are THROWING GARBAGE IN THE STREET, AND LIGHTING FIRES. WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING SUSPICIOUS AND PARANOID, ART. WE'RE THE LUNATICS. US. IT'S NOT THEM. It's us.
Art Wiengartner
[after a pause]
I don't know what to say... What, do you want me to move?
[Ray charges at him]
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Art
Ray! Ray! You're chanting!
Art
[points to book]
Ray. Ray, look.
Art
Ray, unconscious chanting! You're chanting!
Ray Peterson
[continues chanting with fingers in ears]
Art
[chants]
I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal.
Art
Ray. Ray, you're chanting! Hey, once they
[points to book]
Art
get in here...
[points to Ray's head]
Art
...it's over, pal.
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Carol Peterson
He can't come out until he resembles the man that I married.
Art
Carol, We don't have that kind of time.
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Mark Rumsfield
Smells like they're cooking a goddamn cat over there.
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[looking at photo]
Mark Rumsfield
Oh, pretty girl! Friend of yours?
Hans Klopek
No, it came with the frame.
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Mark Rumsfield
There go the goddamn brownies!
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Ray Peterson
I'm gonna go do something productive. I'm gonna go watch television.
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Ricky Butler
Green sky at morning, neighbor take warning.
Ray Peterson
Green sky at night?
Ricky Butler
Neighbor take flight?
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Vic, Garbageman #1
I hate cul-de-sacs. There's only one way out, and the people are kind of weird.
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Art Wiengartner
A thermostat on a home furnace, is that supposed to go to 5,000 degrees, you think?
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Art Wiengartner
[finds a femur]
Ray, there's no doubt anymore. This is real. Your neighbors are murdering people. They're chopping them up. They're burying them in their backyard. Ray... This is Walter.
[They both scream]
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Ray Peterson
Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it.
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[last lines]
Ricky Butler
God I love this street.
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Ricky Butler
Ya know, did you ever see the movie, "The Sentinel", Mr. Peterson? It's about the old guy who owned the apartment, which is kind of like the, uh, gateway to Hell?
Ray Peterson
No, I... I didn't see that.
Ricky Butler
Oh, well, I was doing some thinking. And, you know, being that their last house burnt down and all, it's like, maybe... somebody left the gate open.
[a generator starts up from the Klopek's basement]
Art Wiengartner
It's them. They're movin' around again. Ya know... it was a night just like this that it happened.
Ricky Butler
What happened, Mr. Weingartner?
Art Wiengartner
Oh, it was a long time ago, Ricky. Hinkley Hills was a lot smaller then... safer too! You never had to lock your doors. Everybody knew everybody. I must have been maybe oh nine - ten years-old. You know where the big mall is?
Ricky Butler
Yeah.
Art Wiengartner
Well, there used to be a big drugstore on the corner there, had a big soda fountain, remember?
Ray Peterson
Yeah.
Art Wiengartner
Yeah, and the guy who ran it was a - was a rotund guy, had glasses. His name was Skip. Lived over on Elm, had a wife, a couple of kids, ya know? Not too sharp, I mean, hey the guy's 40 years old, he's wearing a paper hat and he's makin' cherry Cokes, it's a cinch he's not runnin' for governor, right?
[Ricky chuckles]
Art Wiengartner
Anyway, it got hot that summer, I remember it got REAL hot. It was sweltering. Ya know that heat where your underwear sweats and it crawls up the... anyway, it's hot, okay? And they start... they start smellin' this... this really vile stench over on Elm and they figure it's comin' from Skip's place. And no one wants to say anything, I mean, what do you do, go knock on the guys door, "Hi, you're house stinks"? So - so people are trying to ignore it, right? They're trying to pretend it - it isn't happening. A-and you know those pine things? They're trying to cover up with those pine things that you can put in cars. People are hanging those on their porches.
[Ricky laughs]
Art Wiengartner
Oh, you think that's funny, Rick?
Ricky Butler
Well, yeah.
Art Wiengartner
Well yeah - let me tell you what happened next, OK. The state health inspector shows up. They go over, they talk to Skip, he says he's got a sump pump problem. They leave. Hey, they guy's got a sewer problem, he says he'll look after it, everything's okay, right?
Ricky Butler
Right.
Art Wiengartner
Wrong. A couple hours later there's smoke pouring out of the windows of Skip's house. The firemen show up, they go into Skip's house. Ya know what they find?
Ricky Butler
What?
Art Wiengartner
Skip's family, dead. Murdered... by Skip... weeks earlier... with an ice pick. Yeah, the guy killed his own family with an ice pick. Yeah... yeah just put 'em in the cool basement, covered 'em up with a sheet and went back to makin' ice cream treats for the townsfolk. Only thing... Skip didn't count on there being a big heat wave that summer. You know what that was that all those people were smelling over on Elm, Ricky?
Ricky Butler
What?
Art Wiengartner
Skip's family's bodies, decomposing in the summer heat
[Ricky whistles]
Art Wiengartner
. Yeah apparently, one day Skip made just made one too many lemon phosphates,
[snaps fingers]
Art Wiengartner
El snappo!
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Mark Rumsfield
Ricky, get this lame-o out of your yard.
Ricky Butler
[puts his arm around his friend]
Get out of my yard, Lame-o!
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Mark Rumsfield
Hey... Pinocchio! Where are you going?
Hans Klopek
[runs away and slips on dog poo]
Mark Rumsfield
[runs, slips and falls on poo too, then grabs him]
Don't you make a move sonny. I was eighteen months in the bush and I could snap your neck in a heartbeat.
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Art
Safety is my middle name.
Ray Peterson
I thought his middle name was Louis.
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Ricky Butler
Hey, hey, hey, Rumsfield! Dude! What are you doing with the gun?
Mark Rumsfield
Just shut up and paint your goddam house!
Ricky Butler
Whoa! Fine.
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Mark Rumsfield
Here you go, sonny - a little something for the old sweet tooth.
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Ricky Butler
Yo, Rumsfield!
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Art
I think the message to, uh, psychos, fanatics, murderers, nutcases all over the world is, uh, "do not mess with suburbanites". Because, uh, frankly we're just not gonna take it any more. Ya know, we're not gonna be content to look after our lawns and wax our cars, paint out houses. We're out to get them, Don, we are out to get them.
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[Pounds]
Mark Rumsfield
Good solid floors.
[Someone in the basement pounds in response. Rumsfield grins]
Mark Rumsfield
Oh-ho. Got somebody tied up in the ol' cellar, have yah, Rube?
[Ray chokes on his sardine]
Ray Peterson
Packing dust, sorry.
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Ray Peterson
You had a dream a plane was gonna crash, so you took the bus to Las Vegas.
Art Wiengartner
If I had been on the plane it WOULD have crashed.
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Ray Peterson
I've been blown up, take me to the hospital.
[Lies on a gurney]
Ray Peterson
Take me to a hospital, I'm sick. What...?
[Jumps up, throws the gurney in back of an ambulance than jumps on top of it]
Carol Peterson
Honey? I'll just find out what hospital they're taking you to and then I'll... Follow right along. Okay?
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Ricky Butler
Hey, Mrs. Rumsfield, no tan lines. Looks nice.
Mark Rumsfield
That kid next door's a meatball.
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Ray Peterson
So they keep to themselves, can you blame them? They live next door to people who break in their house, AND BURN IT DOWN while they're gone for the day!
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Art Wiengartner
[Ray is trying to jimmy the door open with a store credit card]
Where did you learn to do that?
Ray Peterson
I *don't* know how to do this.
[the credit card breaks]
Art Wiengartner
That's a shit store anyway.
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Mark Rumsfield
In Southeast Asia we'd call this kind of thing bad karma.
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Mark Rumsfield
Art!
Bonnie Rumsfield
Your wife is home!
Mark Rumsfield
And your house is on fire!
Art
My wife is home?
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Reuben
Okay, hep cats! Get off my car!
Ricky Butler
Dude, it's cool, you should hang with us! We called the Pizza Dude!
Reuben
You idiot! You submoron, you!
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Carol Peterson
What are you doing up?
Ray Peterson
Walter's dog just took a dump on Rumsfield's lawn again.
Carol Peterson
Good, honey.
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Art Wiengartner
Go ahead, tell him, Ray. We got the goods on them, don't we? You know, some day they're going to dig up the back of that yard and they're gonna find the rest of that skeleton to go with that femur. Oh it might not be Walter but it's gonna be some...
Ray Peterson
Shut up. SHUT UP, ART, SHUT UP! God, you don't know when to quit, do you? Look at me! I'm a shell of a man because of you, Art!
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Hans Klopek
Sardine?
Bonnie Rumsfield
I'm trying to cut back.
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Art Wiengartner
Ray. Ray.
Ray Peterson
I'm only trying to take a nap! I'm only laying here with my eyes closed trying to keep some goddamn sleep!
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Art
Wait, hold it, garbies! Garbies, garbage men! Hold on a minute, wait a sec! Wait. Wait, wait, hold it. What are you doing?
Vic, Garbageman #1
Emptying garbage.
Art
Into the garbage truck? What are you, out of your mind?
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Mark Rumsfield
That really burns my ass.
Bonnie Rumsfield
What?
Mark Rumsfield
That old fart. He's got the best lawn on the block. And you know why? Because he trains his dog to crap in my yard.
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Art
Now they know that we know that they know that we know.
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Mark Rumsfield
Rumsfield's the name. Don't think I caught yours, sonny?
Hans Klopek
H-H-Hans.
Mark Rumsfield
Hans! Oh-ho! A fine Christian name. Hans Christian Andersen! What are you, Catholic?
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Ray Peterson
Infra-red night vision scopes? What are we going to do next, tap their phones line?
Mark Rumsfield
That can be arranged.
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Carol Peterson
Ah, you know, I think it's great that you've been able to to stay with all the original wood. I was never over here when the Knapps lived here.
Reuben
How unfortunate for the Knapps.
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Ray Peterson
It's Walter's toupée.
Art Wiengartner
Oh jeez, beautiful place to keep a toupée, on the stove. I'm starving.
[walks off to the fridge]
Mr. Rumsfield
One thing about these old guys - they don't ever leave the house without their hair. No sir. Walter left this house in a big hurry.
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Mark Rumsfield
Shut up and paint your GODDAMN HOUSE!
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Ray Peterson
So why didn't you go with Suzette to her mother's house?
Art Wiengartner
Hey, I'm eating here, ok. Can you imagine me and the two of them alone for a week? I'd rather chew broken glass.
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Mark Rumsfield
[to Dr Klopek]
Why don't we just cut all this polite crap, all right? What's the weird goddam noise you got comin' outta here all the time?
Carol Peterson
Uh, I think that we should go.
Mark Rumsfield
What have you got in the cellar, Herr Klopek?
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Art Wiengartner
We gotta go down to the religious supply store, we gotta get ourselves a couple of gallons of holy water, my cousin Jerry's a priest, he can get us a deal!
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Dave Peterson
Ricky Butler says they're nocturnal feeders.
Ray Peterson
Oh, Ricky Butler says.
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Reuben
Mind your own business! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Ray Peterson
OKAY!
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Mark Rumsfield
What have you got in the cellar, Herr Klopek?
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Art Wiengartner
I can see the news report now - they were a quiet family, kept pretty much to themselves. No one would have ever suspected them of foul play.
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Mark Rumsfield
What'd you say we all sit down for a little of the old face-to-face, hey What-Rube?
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Art
You know what the deal is? We gotta go down to the religious supply store. We gotta get a couple of gallons of holy water. My cousin Gary is a priest. He can get us a deal!
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Art Wiengartner
[emptying the Klopeks garbage into the street]
Give me that.
Joe, Garbageman #2
Here you go.
[empties bag in street]
Vic, Garbageman #1
What are YOU doin'?
Joe, Garbageman #2
You asked me to help.
Vic, Garbageman #1
[groans in annoyance]
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Art Wiengartner
I don't know if you've noticed, but there's bars on the basement windows here.
Ray Peterson
They've got holes in their porch, too.
Art Wiengartner
Argh! That was a booby trap.
Ray Peterson
Are you okay?
Art Wiengartner
Yeah.
Ray Peterson
Oh, booby trap. I'm not gonna pay for that.
Art Wiengartner
We shouldn't pay for that, we should sue them.
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Ray Peterson
You wanna take that out of your pocket? You wanna not steal that from Walter's house, please?
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Art Wiengartner
Listen to your wife? Who listens to their wife? Listen, you gotta listen to me.
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Mark Rumsfield
Are you totally pussy-whipped, or what? Why don't you just take your balls out of your wifes purse... make a stand for one time in your life.
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Dr. Werner Klopek
Do I look like an idiot, Mr. Peterson?
Ray Peterson
...No.
Dr. Werner Klopek
Do you take me for an imbecile?
Ray Peterson
...No.
Dr. Werner Klopek
You may have fooled the others, Mr. Peterson, but you don't fool me.
Ray Peterson
I-I-I-I fooled the others?
Dr. Werner Klopek
But you don't fool me.
Ray Peterson
I don't?
Dr. Werner Klopek
No you don't.
Ray Peterson
Am I missing something here, Dr. Klopek?
Dr. Werner Klopek
Come now, Mr. Peterson, you were in my basement. Surely, you looked in the furnace.
Ray Peterson
Well I-I-I-I saw your furnace, Doctor. I figured a man's furnace is his own business.
Dr. Werner Klopek
You saw one of my skulls, didn't you? Oh yes, I know you did. It belonged to a neighbor of yours. The name was Knapp. We took the house from them. I offered to buy it, but you know how old people are, they grow so attached to things.
Ray Peterson
Uh, you know, Dr. Klopek, I think I forgot my wallet...
[Tries to get up but is held down]
Dr. Werner Klopek
I let you keep the femur, but now, now I want my skull. Or perhaps, I might just take yours. Hans!
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Mark Rumsfield
[Ray takes Walter's toupee out of his shorts]
Are you implying that you've been carrying that around in your shorts all day?
Ray Peterson
After you left Walter's house yesterday, I slipped this back in, through the mail slot.
Art Wiengartner
Well, where'd you get this then?
[Ray gestures to the Klopeck's house]
Ray Peterson
After the dog came up out of the basement, I found it wedged in between a bunch of magazines all of which I might add, were addressed to Walter!
Art Wiengartner
Then that means that...
Mark Rumsfield
Klopeck went back into the house and got the hair. What do we do now, soldier?
Ray Peterson
Well you heard them say they're leaving tomorrow morning? As soon as they're gone, I'm going over that fence, and I'm not coming back until I find a dead body.
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Ray Peterson
I've been blown up, take me to the hospital!
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Dr. Werner Klopek
Another neighbour?
Reuben
A fat one.
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Art Wiengartner
It's gonna be a big week for the bachelor kid.
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Art Wiengartner
Ray, what was that you were saying the other day about half cocked theories?
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Carol Peterson
I don't remember seeing crows around here before.
Art Wiengartner
Oh, big bastards too. That's why I got the gun. I'm gonna pop a few of 'em.
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[loud gunshots are heard]
Ray
Art's got a gun
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Ray Peterson
Is that a transformer or something...?
Mark Rumsfield
It's the goddamn power company.
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Mr. Rumsfield
Affirmative. That garbage is going nowhere. I say we wait till first light. Scope me.
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Art
Hey, hey, hey. Who the heck ordered the blood shake? Hey, Ray, it's not Skip. It's me, Art. I'm just pretending to be Skip. Say, you didn't happen to see an ice pick around here, did you?
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Vic, Garbageman #1
The question here is garbage. Who picks up this mess?
Mr. Rumsfield
Who picks up this mess? Well you're going to pick up the mess, because YOU are a garbage man.
Vic, Garbageman #1
I pick up garbage from cans, not from the street!
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Art Wiengartner
I'm telling you these people are Satanists. As I sit here, they are satanists. Look, look, the world is full of these kind of things - black masses, mutilations. Mutilations! The incubus, the succubus - I'm tellin' you, Walter was a human sacrifice.
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Art Wiengartner
Ray, do you want 'em to take your family, kidnap 'em, tear their livers out and make some kind of satanic pâté?
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Carol Peterson
Where are you going?
Ray Peterson
I can't walk anywhere without you asking me where I'm going - I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to Banff, Canada, all right? That's where I'm going.
Carol Peterson
Are you taking the dog?
Ray Peterson
Yeah, yeah, I'm taking the dog for a walk.
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Dave Peterson
Last week when I was up on the roof with my telescope I saw them in their backyard.
Carol Peterson
What were they doing, honey?
Dave Peterson
Digging.
Art Wiengartner
Kind of like grave diggers?
Dave Peterson
Maybe.
Ray Peterson
All right, that's enough of this conversation.
[to Dave]
Ray Peterson
I want you to stop spying on the Klopeks with Ricky Butler.
[to Art]
Ray Peterson
And I'd like you to stop filling his head with such half cocked theories.
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Dr. Werner Klopek
Tomorrow we must all go to the university to discuss yet another transfer.
Carol Peterson
No. And we're just getting to know you. That's a shame. Isn't that a shame, honey?
Ray Peterson
That's a shame.
Mark Rumsfield
Says who?
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[Art and Ricky are sitting on the porch when Ray comes out]
Art
He comes over here to smoke cigars, his wife won't let him, he doesnt know i know that... Hiya Ray! How ya doing bud?
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Carol Peterson
You were up at the crack of dawn watching a dog poop.
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Mark Rumsfield
I know you're in there, old man! Listen up, mister! That piece of scum barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn! I find one more- just one- I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut!
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Ricky
Ya know, did you ever see the movie "The Sentinel," Mr Peterson? It's about the old guy who owns the apartment which is kinda like the, uh, gateway to hell.
Ray Peterson
No, I, I didn't see that.
Ricky
Well, I was doin' some thinkin' and you know, being that their last house burned down and all, it's like maybe, somebody left the gate open.
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Ricky Butler
Mr. Rumsfield. You guys managed to knock out the power on the entire block. Probably the whole south end of town.
Mark Rumsfield
Ricky, SHUT UP.
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Art
Apparently their last house, it only... burned to the ground.
Ray Peterson
Really?
Art
Yeah, a hideous raging inferno.
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Art
Rumsfield and I, we flushed them out. We wrote a note, we slipped it under the door, we rang the bell and then we ran.
Ray Peterson
You did that?
Art
Yeah.
[Crushes a beer can in each hand]
Art
All I did was write, "I know what you've done". That's all. I didn't sign it.
Ray Peterson
OH! I can't belie - YOU STUPID... GOD!
Art
You gotta goose these people every once in a while. You gotta give them a little shot, give them a little whack, let them know that you're there.
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Art Wiengartner
Ray, there's nothing in here- we practically checked this whole truck. They-they must have switched on us during the night.
Joe, Garbageman #2
The FBI?
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Mark Rumsfield
Let's cut this "nice" crap. We know what's goin' on here. What's the weird Goddamn noise comin' from the basement?
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Ray Peterson
I'm a broken man because of you, Art!
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Ricky Butler
Oh, Mr. Rumsfield, be careful! Queenie...
Bonnie Rumsfield
Uh-oh.
Mark Rumsfield
Walter. Walter! Walter!
Ricky Butler
I love that dude.
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Mark Rumsfield
We caught ya, Reub. You think you've been playing us for saps but you were wrong.
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Carol Peterson
Ray... Ray, where are you going? Come back to bed.
[Ray heads outside]
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Ray Peterson
No, Art, see, they're gonna think that I did it. Yeah, they are...
Art Wiengartner
Why?
Ray Peterson
Well the old guy... He saw me write a note and put it underneath Walter's door SO NOW THEY'RE GONNA THINK THAT I DID IT!
Art Wiengartner
...You wrote a note?
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Steve Kuntz
Hey man, when's the big unveiling, huh? Look, i gotta go to work in a couple of hours, you know.
Mark Rumsfield
Hey man, piss off.
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Art
I'm tellin' ya, officer, there's a body buried in that house.
Detective #1
The old man, Mr. Seznick right?
Art
Yeah the old guy who's sitting here is buried in that house, Sherlock.
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