ZackWhat? No, yeah, that is a fuckin' *awesome* idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea. That guy, Brandon St. Randy, whose Bobby Long's *awesome* nice boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
MiriIf it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
ZackBecause other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!
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BrandonI thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.
Zack*Everybody* wants to see *anybody* fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"
ZackHow come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
MiriHoly Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
ZackNo, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!
[after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]
DeaconCan you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
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Brandon[to Bobby]I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain - of gayness.
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DelaneyWhat? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!
ZackGuys, this isn't a literal adaptation here. It's more of an erotic re-imagining. Kind of like "The Wiz" or like a parody. With lots of anal.
StaceyCool.
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ZackEditor and DP, looks like you got your shit covered.
DeaconDo not say 'shit covered' to me again.
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ZackGive me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing. We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!
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Delaney[after Zack leaving the set]Can you believe this shit?
Deacon[after Stacey accidentally shits all over his face]Can you believe *this* shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
Miri[Seeing that Zack shaved his beard]Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
ZackI think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene, but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Baluga Whale.
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BrandonI can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
BrandonYou know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.
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ZackIf you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him!
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DeaconI'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref!
Brandon[fighting with Bobby]The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!
Bobby LongThis is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
BrandonBaby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
Zack[to himself]This is the best night of my life.
BrandonAm I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
BrandonIs that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
LesterYou don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off.
ZackI mean, you look beautiful - you always look - so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you - you look amazing.
Miri[grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth]Okay! Let's go make a porno!
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Drunk Customer[is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts]Oh. Hey.
Stacey[awkwardly]Hey.
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ZackWow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.
DeaconPlease don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.
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ZackHave you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island!
BrandonThis is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?
[pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]
BrandonOh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!
DelaneyI just wanted to see some free titties, that's all. But there's no such thing as free titties, is there, Zack? Is there?
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Miri[while having sex on camera, to Zach]I want you to come. I want you to come with me.
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Zack[after Lester explains the Dutch Rudder]Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester. But... if you're not fucking Miri... why is your dick out right now?
LesterBecause I live here now, and I like to be naked.
LesterYeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of you or some shit.
[sniffs Zack]
LesterI don't smell anything. But you know what, that probably means she loves you.
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Delaney[He and Deacon showing Zack the footage they've shot in the porno]Okay, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking. Then we got Barry and Bubbles fucking. And then *this* boring bullshit.
[shows footage of Zack and Miri making love]
Zack[upset, uncomfortable]Okay, just um... go to the next scene, would ya?
Delaney[feigning confusion with Deacon]Uh... what next scene?
DelaneyYou thought it, didn't you? You thought to yourself, "I'm gonna lay down the law for this nigga, because I put food on his table and clothes on his little nigga baby backs and he ain't gonna say shit!"
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ZackPorn has gone mainstream now. It's like Coca Cola or Pepsi, with dicks in it.
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Zack[confessing his love to Miri, who's in the bathroom while a naked Lester stands next to Zack]I love you and I have for as long as I can remember. And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.
Zack[flabbergasted; to Miri]You're gonna fuck a guy who doesn't know your last name? Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the Sixth Grade, I know *that*? Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone, but we decided not to, and we decided to get drunk alone instead? Or that you washed your hair in the toilet?
DelaneyYou come to a brother and tell him he gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds? Telling me to come here and work. What, you think you own me?
DelaneyYou goddamn right this ain't Amistad! I can't wait till the Post Office settle my disability suit, because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker. Because I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Now you can kiss my ass!
Mr. SuryaYou know what? Fuck you! Fuck you and suck cock! To hell with you.
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Mr. SuryaI hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I tell you!
ZackI know! Isn't that fucked up that they do that? Like, they say it's the best chance to get everyone together. People come back in town for the holidays. But, you know what, they could have it in the middle of the summer at a fuckin' blowjob contest that I was judging and it would still be retarded.
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ZackI'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon. Oh-oh-oh, holy shit! They sell the Fleshlight here too.
ZackIt's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight "for discretionary jacking off." That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight. I am totally buying this shit.
MiriWhy would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.
ZackWhat? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator. Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time a vibrator makes you come? No.
Miri"Real feel action"? Oh, my God. If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.
ZackWhat do you think a vibrator is? It's a little machine. How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it and I can't?
MiriBecause I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.
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MiriYou know, you jest, but these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in right before they start having sex for money. Or, makin' porn.
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MiriI came here tonight hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment and sleep with you to, uh, get back at you, you know, for calling me 'Stinky Linky' all those years ago.
Bobby LongWow. That is a weird revenge plot. You must be a terrible lay for that.
MiriWhat? No, I'm great. I mean, I've had enough practice and everything. Wow, that sounded not good. I fuck a lot! That's what I meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow!
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RoxanneLook at him now, chatty as fuck. Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Vonn.
ZackYou want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?
RoxanneI don't wanna get even. If I was gonna do anything, I'd wanna one-up the asshole.
ZackYou can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.
ZackFleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.
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ZackOkay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay? And - it's for a purpose. It's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy would be doing something weird. Our bodies and brains would be acting.
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ZackHow many guys have you met in a bar, taken home, *banged* with your mouth and then never talked to again? That's what we call a stranger.
MiriDude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.
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MiriLook, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.
ZackWhere? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants?
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ZackLook at Paris Hilton. She throat-fucks a guy in night vision, now she sells fragrances to tweens. And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.
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ZackDude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. One in your living room and one in your bathroom.
DelaneyOne in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
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ZackYou've never seen my dick. Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.
MiriAre you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted, and Houls dared you to give yourself head, and then we all watched you try for, like, an hour.
ZackOh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for fuckin' letting me do that. Thank you.
ZackI know that because I'm not a fucking idiot. In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad *girl* who wants to fuck the galaxy, literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her - with their cocks.
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ZackThere's always a shitload of "Star Wars" nerds at those comic-book shows. So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fuckin' jerk off to.
MiriYep. I mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person in this movie all of a sudden, so I think it's, you know, not fair if I'm only fucking you.
ZackI know you felt something big, something real the other night when we were together because I felt it too. We tried to fuck and instead, we wound up making love.