Menu
Your tickets in your personal cabinet

Zack and Miri Make a Porno Movie Quotes

[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]
Customer Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?
Delaney Can't you see we talking, White?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack What brings you here?
Brandon I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.
Zack No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.
Brandon In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.
Zack Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?
Brandon I'm an actor.
Zack Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon Thank you.
Zack Fucking movies?
Brandon Fucking movies. Pretty much.
Zack Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?
Brandon Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?
Brandon Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."
Zack [stunned] Is that like a sequel?
Brandon Sort of. It's a reimagining.
Zack Oh, like "The Wiz".
Brandon More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon Guilty as charged.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miri Dude, that's really dirty.
Zack That's too dirty?
Miri That offends me.
Zack Penis?
Miri Fine.
Zack I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[last lines]
Zack Let us fuck.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I don't mean to alarm you, but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miri The Dutch Rudder?
Zack Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miri If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
Miri [laughing] You fucked it?
Zack Yeah.
Miri What'd it feel like?
Zack Fucking a flashlight.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
Miri What? You got an idea?
Zack We could make a porno!
Miri Not the idea I was lookin' for.
Zack What? No, yeah, that is a fuckin' *awesome* idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea. That guy, Brandon St. Randy, whose Bobby Long's *awesome* nice boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
Miri If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
Zack Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandon I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.
Zack Well, who's your demographic?
Brandon Do you like pussy?
Zack Yeah.
Brandon Then not you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!
Zack *Everybody* wants to see *anybody* fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack What's your name?
Lester Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones.
[later seen on the DVD cover of "Swallow My Cockuccino" spelt as "Pete Jonze"]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Hello, Miriam.
Miri Beat it, we're talking.
Zack I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon Salutations.
Zack Bobby's boyfriend.
Miri Bobby who?
Bobby Long Bobby me.
Zack Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miri Are you fucking with me?
Zack [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
Miri Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
Zack No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!
Miri Oh God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]
Deacon Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandon [to Bobby] I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain - of gayness.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!
Zack Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here. It's more of an erotic re-imagining. Kind of like "The Wiz" or like a parody. With lots of anal.
Stacey Cool.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Editor and DP, looks like you got your shit covered.
Deacon Do not say 'shit covered' to me again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Give me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing. We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney [after Zack leaving the set] Can you believe this shit?
Deacon [after Stacey accidentally shits all over his face] Can you believe *this* shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney Her name Bubbles.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Okay, fine. You don't wanna fuck a stranger in a porn movie - for some strange reason. I guess - we could fuck.
Miri Ew.
Zack Fuck you.
Miri I mean, you're a nice enough looking guy and everything.
Zack Holy fuck, thank you. You're an alright looking girl - how does that feel?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack That's what porno is. It's fantasy. It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
Bobby Long Yeah.
Miri [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
Miri [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
Zack Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon Oh, like crazy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [suggesting a porn title] "Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt".
Miri We never made "Star Sex I".
Zack I guess we can skip "Star Sex III: The Search for Cock", then.
[Zack has a new idea]
Zack "Cocunt"!
Miri What's that?
Zack It's like "Cocoon". With a cunt!
[Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after the first night's shooting]
Zack Hey, how'd it look?
Deacon How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus.
Zack [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester [after Zack and Miri's passionate scene has ended] Way to fuck, Zack!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack This is just the beginning, guys. If "Star Whores" works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. "The Empire Strikes Ass".
Miri "Return of the Brown Eye".
Deacon "The Phantom Man Ass".
Delaney And "Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter".
[awkward silence]
Zack Okay.
Delaney "Revenge of the Shit", you got it?
Miri No, yeah we got it.
Stacey Ew.
Delaney [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri [Seeing that Zack shaved his beard] Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
Zack I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene, but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Baluga Whale.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandon I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
Bobby Long You've had one too many cosmos.
Brandon You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Deacon I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref!
Zack Dude.
Deacon It's cool. He's my cousin.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandon [fighting with Bobby] The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!
Zack They fight just like *real* people!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [to Brandon and Bobby] So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon Oh, like crazy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teen #1 [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!
Zack [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?
Teen #2 You're a fucking faggot, alright?
Teen #1 Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.
Zack Cock?
[throws a cup at the teens]
Teen #1 And he throws like a bitch!
Zack You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?
Teen #2 We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!
Zack Well too bad, she's not my girlfriend you little fuck -
[they leave]
Zack oh, they're gone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bobby Long This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
Brandon Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
Zack [to himself] This is the best night of my life.
Brandon Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
Zack Fucking A!
Brandon Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
Zack [in awe] They fight just like real people...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester [acting in the porno] I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me after I give you the best orgasm you've ever had in your life.
Miri Oh, right, like you know what you're doing down there at all.
Zack I actually don't. Where's the clitoris? Is it in your ass?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder - shot me down on that, too.
Zack And a Dutch Rudder is...?
Lester You don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri What happened to the water?
Zack I guess they musta shut it off...
Miri Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack There's poo in there...
Miri The back part of the toilet!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Writer of Titles [At the end of the titles] Christ, I spend way too much time on the internet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri So, I guess we should do this.
Zack I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miri Stop it. You look good.
Zack Thanks.
Miri So... what about me? How do I look?
Zack I mean, you look beautiful - you always look - so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you - you look amazing.
Miri [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Drunk Customer [is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts] Oh. Hey.
Stacey [awkwardly] Hey.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.
Deacon Please don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandon Oh my god. No!
Miri What?
Brandon Granny Panties?
Miri Excuse me?
Brandon This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?
[pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]
Miri [Miri gasps in horror]
Zack Where'd you get that?
Brandon Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!
Miri [to Bobby] You're gay?
Bobby Long [apologetically] Yeah...
Miri And I'm the internet wearing - a diaper?
Brandon Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?
Miri I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it like a filthy MacGyver!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Who cares what the title is?
Zack The porn I liked when I was a kid, it was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know? Like, um, "Edward Penishands".
Miri Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title, that sounds like a real movie - and basically sums up what you're gonna see.
Zack Correct.
Miri "An American Werewolf in Brenda"?
Zack "Fuckback Mountain"?
[Miri makes a face]
Zack Too soon? "A-Cock-in-Lips Now"?
Miri Next.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Roxanne Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of shit to talk about after the first year.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney [to Mr. Surya] You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester Hey Stacey. You like dogs?
Stacey Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.
Lester Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.
Stacey Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part.
Lester Cool. Well, see ya.
Stacey Bye.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney I love the movies.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney I just wanted to see some free titties, that's all. But there's no such thing as free titties, is there, Zack? Is there?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri [while having sex on camera, to Zach] I want you to come. I want you to come with me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [after Lester explains the Dutch Rudder] Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester. But... if you're not fucking Miri... why is your dick out right now?
Lester Because I live here now, and I like to be naked.
Zack Huh?
Lester When you moved out, she couldn't afford to pay her rent by herself, so I moved in to help.
Zack But you just came out of her room.
Lester That's *my* room now. She moved into your old room.
Zack Wait... she-she changed rooms?
Lester Yeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of you or some shit.
[sniffs Zack]
Lester I don't smell anything. But you know what, that probably means she loves you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney [He and Deacon showing Zack the footage they've shot in the porno] Okay, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking. Then we got Barry and Bubbles fucking. And then *this* boring bullshit.
[shows footage of Zack and Miri making love]
Zack [upset, uncomfortable] Okay, just um... go to the next scene, would ya?
Delaney [feigning confusion with Deacon] Uh... what next scene?
Zack The one with Miri and Lester?
Deacon We never shot it.
Zack Why not?
Deacon Because after you left that night, Miri came out of the back room and said she couldn't do it. We wrapped after that.
Zack Wrapped? So... wait, so Miri...
Delaney Never fucked nobody. Just you. Now I wonder why she did that...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Surya Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney's Wife Don't nobody want them saggy-ass balls!
Delaney Saggy balls? Look at these sagging-ass titties you got around here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney White people are fucked up.
Zack Yup, they sure are.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney You thought it, didn't you? You thought to yourself, "I'm gonna lay down the law for this nigga, because I put food on his table and clothes on his little nigga baby backs and he ain't gonna say shit!"
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Porn has gone mainstream now. It's like Coca Cola or Pepsi, with dicks in it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [confessing his love to Miri, who's in the bathroom while a naked Lester stands next to Zack] I love you and I have for as long as I can remember. And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.
Lester Miri's last name is Linky?
Zack [flabbergasted; to Miri] You're gonna fuck a guy who doesn't know your last name? Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the Sixth Grade, I know *that*? Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone, but we decided not to, and we decided to get drunk alone instead? Or that you washed your hair in the toilet?
Lester We're not fucking, Zack.
Zack Or that you're not fucking Zack... wait, what?
Lester Yeah, I mean I asked her to fuck me, but she wouldn't do it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester [whispering while Zack & Miri have their romantic sex scene filmed] Deacon. Deacon. Deacon.
Deacon What?
Lester Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it. What happened?
Deacon Oh, dude. They're on the island, they're off the island. Who could follow that shit?
Stacey I think they're in Hell.
Delaney [harsh whisper] Would y'all shut the motherfuck up?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck.
Zack Oh, goddamn it.
Miri What?
Zack Oh, no.
Miri What?
Zack Oh, it's wedged in my taint.
Miri What?
Zack It got wedged in my taint.
Miri What?
Zack It's stuck under my balls. It's between my balls and my leg.
Miri What's happening?
Zack Pull over. Please, pull over. Pull over. Pull the fuck over!
Miri All right, all right! Jesus, all right!
Zack It's about to move up to my ass!
Miri What?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I think I burned my ball hair off.
[Miri laughs]
Zack It's not funny.
[Miri still laughs]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney You come to a brother and tell him he gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds? Telling me to come here and work. What, you think you own me?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Maybe you hear with an accent.
Mr. Surya Fuck you! Okay?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney You goddamn right this ain't Amistad! I can't wait till the Post Office settle my disability suit, because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker. Because I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Now you can kiss my ass!
Mr. Surya You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you and suck cock! To hell with you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Surya I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I tell you!
[exits]
Zack Why is he so fucking high-strung?
Delaney [with an Indian accent] "Fuck off, I tell you. Very good. "
[without an Indian accent]
Delaney Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker, telling me I gotta work on Black Friday? Ain't that some shit?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [turns on Miri's computer, laughs] You're buying a vibrator online. What's wrong with the one you have?
Miri It died last week.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Tonight is me and Miri's ten-year high school reunion. I'm just gonna get fuckin' alcohol poisoning.
Delaney Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
Zack I know! Isn't that fucked up that they do that? Like, they say it's the best chance to get everyone together. People come back in town for the holidays. But, you know what, they could have it in the middle of the summer at a fuckin' blowjob contest that I was judging and it would still be retarded.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon. Oh-oh-oh, holy shit! They sell the Fleshlight here too.
Miri What's that?
Zack It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight "for discretionary jacking off." That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight. I am totally buying this shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack You wanna fuck me later?
Betsy Uh, no, I'm married.
Zack Okay, cool. Well, if you change your mind, I'll be in there getting shitfaced.
Miri He will.
Zack So, just so you know, I eat the pussy.
Miri He does.
Betsy Ah, tempting. Again, no.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Don't thank me, just fuck me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri I can't wear anything that I already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.
Zack Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Is this sexy?
Zack Yeah, in like a 'To Catch a Predator' kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.
Miri Then, we're done.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.
Zack What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator. Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time a vibrator makes you come? No.
Miri "Real feel action"? Oh, my God. If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.
Zack What do you think a vibrator is? It's a little machine. How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it and I can't?
Miri Because I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri You know, you jest, but these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in right before they start having sex for money. Or, makin' porn.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri I came here tonight hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment and sleep with you to, uh, get back at you, you know, for calling me 'Stinky Linky' all those years ago.
Bobby Long Wow. That is a weird revenge plot. You must be a terrible lay for that.
Miri What? No, I'm great. I mean, I've had enough practice and everything. Wow, that sounded not good. I fuck a lot! That's what I meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Roxanne Look at him now, chatty as fuck. Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Vonn.
Zack You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?
Roxanne I don't wanna get even. If I was gonna do anything, I'd wanna one-up the asshole.
Zack You can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.
Roxanne Fine, but make it fast.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Can you get an advance on your card?
Zack Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay? And - it's for a purpose. It's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy would be doing something weird. Our bodies and brains would be acting.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack How many guys have you met in a bar, taken home, *banged* with your mouth and then never talked to again? That's what we call a stranger.
Miri Dude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Look, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.
Zack Give me a better option.
Miri Get a paper route.
Zack I don't have a bike.
Miri Be a waiter.
Zack No one wants me around their food. Would you eat food that I gave you?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Fuck you, I have dignity.
Zack Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Look at Paris Hilton. She throat-fucks a guy in night vision, now she sells fragrances to tweens. And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. One in your living room and one in your bathroom.
Delaney One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack You've never seen my dick. Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.
Miri Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted, and Houls dared you to give yourself head, and then we all watched you try for, like, an hour.
Zack Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for fuckin' letting me do that. Thank you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney What else the producer do?
Zack Um, they help with the casting.
Delaney What's casting?
Zack Finding the people to be in the movie.
Delaney Oh, so I get to help pick the women?
Zack Yeah.
Delaney Like, I can look at a titty or something, to make sure there ain't no moles on there?
Zack You can look at both titties, man.
Delaney Man. I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years now. I'm due for another new titty.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Oh, God. We really do know too much about each other.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri I guess it's not like it'd be creepy, like if we got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack "Dawn of the Dick"!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bubbles So a movie, huh? That could be fun.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack "Invasion of the Potty-Snatchers"?
Miri That's like MAD Magazine stupid.
Zack Fuck you, okay? You try to think of a good sci-fi porno title. It's hard!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Sci-fi? Yeah. "Close Encounters with the Turd from Behind".
Miri I don't know what that means.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri "Lawrence of A Labia".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator.
Stacey I'm the bad guy?
Lester She's not a guy, Zack.
Zack I know that because I'm not a fucking idiot. In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad *girl* who wants to fuck the galaxy, literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her - with their cocks.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack There's always a shitload of "Star Wars" nerds at those comic-book shows. So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fuckin' jerk off to.
Miri That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her.
Lester Who am I playing?
Zack You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.
Delaney Oh man, he's gonna be balling dudes? I thought you said this shit was boys on girls.
Lester If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.
Delaney What's the problem with you, boy?
Zack Uh, we'll change the name to...
Miri Sky-Baller.
Zack Sky-Baller. I will be Hung So-low. Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
Delaney Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
Miri [seductively] Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
Delaney On the other hand, fuck my wife.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack [to Miri] Like you said, you know, you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.
Lester Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?
Zack Maybe not bigger idiots.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow. You watch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lester I would love to fucking eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.
Zack Dream on, pal, it's never gonna happen, okay?
Miri No, I'm fine with it.
Zack See, she's fine... Wait, what?
Miri Yep. I mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person in this movie all of a sudden, so I think it's, you know, not fair if I'm only fucking you.
Zack Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bubbles Listen, I have some extra lube from last night. I understand it's kind of hard getting wet when everyone's watching.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri It was so fun.
Zack I just wanna keep shooting people boning all day.
Miri I don't think I've ever met the ambitious Zack Brown before.
Zack Well, I'm trying to pay the bills,
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Surya [Mr Surya yells at at Zack and Delaney] I hate the both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I TELL YOU.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney I like that guy, but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real, I'm calling Humane Society.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack For the first time, I thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Delaney [while seeing Bubbles and Barry shoot their scene] I'm disturbed at how turned on I am by this.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Miri I really hope nothing goes wrong.
Zack It's a movie. What could go wrong?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Zack I know you felt something big, something real the other night when we were together because I felt it too. We tried to fuck and instead, we wound up making love.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
2026, USA, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Sci-Fi
2026, USA, Adventure, Fantasy, Action
2026, USA, Action, Adventure, Animation
2008, USA, Fantasy, Romantic
2026, Russia, Fantasy, Family
2026, Russia, Action, Sci-Fi
2026, USA, Adventure, Drama
2026, USA, Action, Thriller
2026, USA, Biography, Drama, Music, History
2026, Russia, History, Drama
2026, Russia, Animation, Children's, Family
2026, USA, Action, Horror, Thriller
This website uses cookies. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. Read more