Kinoafisha Films The First Wives Club The First Wives Club Movie Quotes

The First Wives Club Movie Quotes

Ivana Trump Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.

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Elise There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.

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[finding empty liquor bottles in trash]

Brenda Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs!

Elise I had guests!

Brenda Who? Guns N Roses?

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Aaron Paradis I can't handle more surprises today.

Chris Paradis Oh, Daddy. I'm a lesbian. A big one.

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Uncle Carmine Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.

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Elise You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

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Dr. Morris Packman If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips!

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Brenda What's wrong?

Jilted Lover It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds.

Brenda That's just like my Morty.

Jilted Lover Who?

Brenda Morty.

[Shows Woman her picture]

Jilted Lover She's butch.

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Elise I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.

Brenda No, that's why your co-stars drink.

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Annie I'm very sorry I ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in your every *move*. I'm sorry!

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[Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]

Elise Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.

Bill Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?

Elise Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.

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Chris Paradis Mom I'm a lesbian. But don't tell Daddy! I want to wait for a good time; like Father's Day or Christmas Morning!

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Elise You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted!

Brenda Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty!

Elise It was the sixties.

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Brenda Where's Shelly?

Morty In the car.

Brenda Glove compartment?

Morty Trunk.

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Brenda My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.

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Annie What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away?

Elise Been there!

Brenda Done that!

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Brenda When men know women are a certain age...

Elise Good bye love.

Brenda Hello pop-tarts.

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[about her ex-husband's scantily clad date]

Brenda What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

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Morty Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a PLATE? $47,000 for a carpet? A USED carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?

Shelly I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a GIFT!

Morty With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift!

Shelly Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste!

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Chris Paradis Doormat!

Annie Paradis Lesbian!

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[Gunilla sees Shelly and Morty re-entering the apartment and dials her phone. Duarto answers]

Gunilla Social climbers on the rise.

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Elise No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!

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Dr. Morris Packman Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain.

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Annie Let's synchronize our watches.

Brenda Ooo, just like "Mission: Impossible!"

Elise Oh, that was a big hit.

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Bill Nice car, used to have one myself.

Shelly Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?

Bill Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.

Shelly Me neither.

Bill So, are you here with anybody?

Shelly Not really.

Bill How old are you?

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Duarto [upon seeing an "unnaturally" young Elise walk into Cynthia's funeral] She looks fabulous; do you think she's had work done?

Brenda [rancorously] Honey, she's a quilt!

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Brenda Morty! Well, look at you. You look prosperous.

Morty Brenda, don't embarrass me.

Brenda [Mocking Morty] Don't embarrass you.

Morty Don't make a scene.

Brenda Don't make a scene.

Morty Do not make a scene.

Brenda Don't embarrass you! You've got a *nerve*! I'll tell you what's embarrassing!

Morty Keep your voice down.

Brenda Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... because I'm behind in the rent, *that's* embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, *that's* embarrassing!

Morty You know something? You *never* listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,

[grabs a yellow blouse]

Morty honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you.

Brenda You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT?

Morty It's the *company* that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The *company*, not *me*! I'm a mere laborer!

Brenda You're a liar and a FRAUD!

Morty I have no money.

Brenda Really? Why don't you look in your purse?

Morty Oh you're very funny.

Shelly There stunning Morton, I need all of them.

Brenda Morton?

Shelly [covers her face with a dress] Oh God, make it go away.

Brenda Shelly! Look at you! My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off.

Morty Don't start.

Brenda What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Shelly Brenda, why don't you try these on in

[holds out her arms]

Shelly *your size*!

Morty It's really a delight running into you today Brenda.

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Brenda I remember your first talk-y.

Elise Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"

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Elise Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?

Brenda Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?

Elise Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?

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Brenda Wake up and smell the audit!

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Brenda So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you *were* a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people *sucking* up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that *your* perception of life is *somewhat altered*!

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Chris Paradis Oh, Daddy. I'm a lesbian. A big one.

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Elise I'm not Monique's Mother!

Maurice No.

Elise Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother!

Maurice Uh-huh.

Elise Shelley Winters is Unique's mother!

Maurice Now that's a good one.

Elise Sean Connery is Monique's mother!

Maurice And I'm going to get you some coffee.

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Brenda I'm saying this, with love compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood... you are full of SHIT!

Elise Whhhaaattt?

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Elise It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.

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Phoebe LaVelle Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me!

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Duarto Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank YOU!

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Bill I'll sue you, I'll *break* you! You vindictive sack of silicone! That's my car, you piece of plastic!

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[Upon seeing a slinky dress]

Brenda Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!

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Brenda Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue.

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Brenda There she is. Princess Pelvis!