[Repeated line]
Stanley Motss
This is NOTHING.
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Stanley Motss
It's all, you know, thinking ahead thinking ahead.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
It's like being a plumber.
Stanley Motss
Yea, it's like a plumber: do your job right and nobody should notice. But when you fuck it up, everything gets full of shit.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
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Stanley Motss
Look at that! That is a complete fucking fraud, and it looks a hundred percent real. It's the best work I've ever done in my life, because it's so honest.
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Stanley Motss
I'm in show business, yes? Why come to me?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Well I'll tell you why, Mr Motss. '54-40-Or Fight', what does that mean?
Stanley Motss
It's a slogan, it's from the, uh...
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
'Remember the Maine'!
Stanley Motss
Oh yeah, that's from - that's gotta be from the, uh...
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
'Tippecanoe and Tyler Too'!
Stanley Motss
No, that's not, uh...
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
They're war slogans, Mr. Motss. We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. You know why? That's show business. That's why we're here. Naked girl covered in Napalm. 'V for Victory'. Five Marines raising the flag, Mt. Suribachi. You remember the picture 50 years from now, you'll have forgotten the war. The Gulf War, smart bomb falling down a chimney. 2500 missions a day, 100 days. ONE video of ONE bomb Mr. Motts, the American people bought that war. War is show business - that's why we're here.
Stanley Motss
And what do you for the President?
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[gunshot]
[opens door]
Stanley Motss
Wait a minute, wait a minute, he's not dead. He's all right...
[second gunshot]
Stanley Motss
Strike that.
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[discovering that their "hero" is actually a convict]
Winifred Ames
When we asked for "special programs", they gave us special prisons.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Yeah, well... little bit of a difference.
Winifred Ames
Has he been in jail long?
Winifred Ames
Does he have much longer to serve?
Stanley Motss
Mmm.
Winifred Ames
What did he do?
Stanley Motss
He raped a nun...
Winifred Ames
Oh, God. Oh, God. Jes... oh, God!
Stanley Motss
And...
Winifred Ames
"And"? I don't want to know an "and". Why is there an "and"?
Stanley Motss
Look, look, look, look, look. He's fine as long as he gets his medications...
Winifred Ames
And if he doesn't get his medications?
Stanley Motss
He's not fine.
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Winifred Ames
Why Albania?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Why not?
Winifred Ames
What have they done to us?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
What have they done *for* us? What do you know about them?
Winifred Ames
Nothing.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable.
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Stanley Motss
The war is not over. No. The war isn't over. I saw it on TV. No. That's what you hired me for. No. The war isn't over until I say it's over. Ok? This is my picture. This is not the CIA's picture. You think you're in a tight spot now? Alright, Conrad, try making "The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" - tell 'em, King.
Fad King
Three of the horseman died.
Stanley Motss
Hear what he's saying? Three of the horseman *died*. Two weeks before the end of principal photography. This is *nothing*. This is nothing, this is - this is - this is just, "Act One, The War". Now we really do need an Act Two.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
You watched the Gulf War, what do you see day after day? The one smart bomb falling down the chimney. The truth? I was in the building when we shot that shot - we shot in a studio, Falls Church, Virginia. One-tenth scale model of a building.
Stanley Motss
Is that true?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
How the fuck do we know? You take my point?
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
You're goddamn right, then it's got nothing to do with the B-3 Bomber!
John Levy
There is no B-3 bomber.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
[Knowingly]
I just said that! There is no B-3 bomber, and I don't know why these rumors get started!
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Would you go to war to do that?
CIA Agent Mr. Young
I have.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Well, I have, too. Would you do it again...? Isn't that why you're here? I guess so. And if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your "ability to fight a Two-ocean War" against who? Sweden and Togo? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed. It's passed. It's over. The war of the future is nuclear terrorism. It is and it will be against a small group of dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you've got to be prepared. You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. And you're gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a "drill," or you can call it "job security," or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, "Go to war to protect your Way of Life," well, Chuck, this is your way of life. Isn't it? And if there ain't no war, then you, my friend, can go home and prematurely take up golf. Because there ain't no war but ours.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Well, if Kissinger can win the Peace Prize, I wouldn't be surprised to wake up and find out I'd won the Preakness.
Stanley Motss
Well, yes but, our guy DID bring peace.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Yeah, but there wasn't a war.
Stanley Motss
All the greater accomplishment.
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Winifred Ames
So when we touch down tomorrow, Big Bird is going to meet Schumann at the airport, huh?
Stanley Motss
Big mistake, big mistake. You gotta bring them in by stages. Big mistake to reveal Schumann before the election.
Winifred Ames
How so?
Stanley Motss
Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark. Okay? Schumann is Jaws, you know? You have to tease them. You gotta tease them. You don't put Jaws in the first reel of the movie. It's the contract, sweetheart. The contract of the election, whether they know it or not, is "Vote for me Tuesday, Wednesday I'll produce Schumann." See, that's what they're paying their seven bucks for.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Stanley, don't do this. You're playing with your life here.
Stanley Motss
Fuck my life! I want the credit.
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Winifred Ames
How are we going to explain that when the world is watching?
Stanley Motss
Fuck the world. Try a ten a.m. script meeting, coked to the gills, no sleep and you haven't even read the treatment.
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[the plane has crashed, leaving Winifred, Stanley, and Connie alone at night in the rain with an "ill" William Sherman]
Winifred Ames
Oh, God. What do we do now? Huh? Huh? What do we do now, huh, boy producer? Huh? Mister win-an-Emmy, social-conscience, whale-shit, save-the-rain-forest, peacenik-commie, fuckin'-hire-a-convict-shithead? Huh? What do we do now, liberal, affirmative action, shithead, peacenik commie fuck? What do you want to do now?
Stanley Motss
This is nothing! Piece of cake! Producing is being a samurai warrior. They pay you day in, day out for years so that one day when called upon, you can respond, your training at its peak, and save the day!
[all notice a mini TV in the wreckage, playing the opposition's commercial demanding that they produce Schumann]
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Leave it alone! What did television ever do to you?
Winifred Ames
It destroyed the electoral process!
Stanley Motss
Okay, enough love-making. Let's go. Come on. Come on.
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Tracy Lime
What would they do to me if I did tell someone about this?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
They could come to your house in the middle of the night and kill you.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
What difference does it make if it's true? If it's a story and it breaks, they're gonna run with it.
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Stanley Motss
You take the fruit of forty years - hard lessons, mistakes - and you call it wisdom.
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CIA Agent Mr. Young
There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war.
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Winifred Ames
[as their "war hero", William Schumann, slurps anti-psychotic pills out of her hand]
What have you done to me?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Winifred...
Winifred Ames
*What* have you done to me?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments...
Winifred Ames
*What* are you going to do?
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Now folks, folks, this is a shitty business and it needs no ghosts come from the grave to tell us that but Lord willing and Jesus tarries eight days from now I'm going to be taking you folks into the second term. Wait 'til you hear the speech tonight, the 303 speech - great!
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Stanley Motss
Trump that, Senator Neal, you Howdy-Doody-looking vontz.
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Stanley Motss
Oh, it's better than lovely. This guy made a deal with Governor Knee-High of Vermont...
Faye
[Corrects him]
Senator Leahy.
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Stanley Motss
I bet you're great at chess.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved.
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Tracy Lime
All kidding aside, when this goes national, I get to put it on my resume?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Actually, no.
Tracy Lime
Because, like, what is it, a guild thing or something? I mean...
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
You can never tell anyone you did this.
Tracy Lime
What could they do to me?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
They'd come to your house and kill you.
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CIA Agent Mr. Young
When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay after school. Who do you suppose that might be?
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Winifred Ames
We can't afford a war.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
We're not gonna have a war, we're gonna have the appearance of a war.
Winifred Ames
We cannot afford the appearance of a war.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Who killed Kennedy? I read the first draft of the Warren report. It said he was killed by a drunk driver.
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Stanley Motss
The war is over. Ok? Now, we're going to need a new song. I think, it should be a song about a shoe, a shiny shoe, a black patent shoe, a good old - a good old shoe.
Johnny Dean
I was just on my way to get drunk.
Stanley Motss
Yes, you get drunk, John. But I need a new song, ok? A good old shoe song. It should be a ballad of loss and, eh, and, eh - you wanna to help me?
Fad King
Redemption.
Stanley Motss
Loss and redemption is very, very good.
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[repeated line]
TV Commercial
Why change horses in midstream?
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Stanley Motss
What do we have that they want?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Freedom.
Stanley Motss
Well, why would they want that?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Oppressed?
Stanley Motss
No, no, no. Fuck freedom. They want - they want to destroy the godless Satan on the United... they want to destroy our way of life.
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[repeated line]
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I'm working on it.
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Stanley Motss
When it's cookin', it's cookin'. We're cookin'!
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Stanley Motss
Haven't had this much fun since live TV!
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Stanley Motss
People, people I gotta tell you, I see a lot of glum, glum faces now. Please don't be disconsolate. This is - this is politics at its finest. *This* is where the rubber meets the road.
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[Stanley, sitting in the Oval Office, has just reduced a room full of White House secretaries to tears with his speech for the President]
Stanley Motss
[looking around the Office]
You know, Connie? I felt very much at home in there. Simple quirk of fate. I could have gone this way. It's all a change in wardrobe.
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Stanley Motss
You know, you can't save the world. All you can do is try.
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Stanley Motss
What does he mean, the situation has been resolved?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
He just ended the war.
Stanley Motss
He ended the war?
Winifred Ames
Why did he have to go and do that?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I think the CIA has just cut a better deal.
Stanley Motss
He ended the war? He can't end the war! He's not producing this.
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Winifred Ames
He does want to know if we get him back into office, what's this guy Motss want?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I don't know. Ambassador to Togo. I don't know.
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Winifred Ames
Can you find out if there is any chance we could get some rain at Andrews tomorrow?
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CIA Agent Mr. Young
We show, and NSA confirms, there are no nuclear devices on the Canadian border. There are no nuclear devices in Albania. Albania has no nuclear capacity. Our spy satellites show no secret terrorist training camps in the Albanian hinterland. The Border Patrol, the FBI, the RCMP report no, repeat, *no* untoward activity along our picturesque Canadian border. The Albanian government is screaming its defense. The world is listening. There is no war.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Of course, there's a war. I'm watching it on television.
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Winifred Ames
You could talk a dog off a meat truck.
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Stanley Motss
Johnny, Johnny, I got a lot of people here who are a little depressed because the war just ended. Please give me a new song.
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Johnny Dean
Johnny Dean, Pops Staples: [singing] He might even get to heaven, With a soul of a good ol' shoe...
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Stanley Motss
A hero. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. What was I thinking? We had a war. We forgot the hero. You *can't* have a war and not have a hero. It's like we sent the Christmas card and we left out the - what do you call it?
Fad King
Fruitcake.
Stanley Motss
There you go.
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Fad King
Johnny, I got an idea. Old shoe, new shoe. Okay?
Johnny Dean
[singing]
Daddy had a hound dog, Used to call him Blue
Pops Staples
He go follow me 'round, Stick to me like glue
Johnny Dean
His favorite thing to play with
Johnny Dean
Johnny Dean, Pops Staples: Used to be a good ol' shoe...
Johnny Dean
Well, I wish I had a woman, Who was half as good and true...
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Stanley Motss
It's what? It's corny? Corny? Of course, it's corny. We wouldn't have him say the flippin' thing if it wasn't corny.
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Fad King
I got the copyright on the Albanian kitten thing. And I'm gonna call Nike, get Dennis Rodman to dye his hair like a leopard skin color. We're gonna have a sneaker: "Air Leopard."
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Stanley Motss
[walking out of the Oval Office]
You know, Connie, I felt very much at home in there. Simple quirk of fate. I could have gone this way. It's all a change in wardrobe.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
It's like Plato once said. It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there.
Stanley Motss
He said that?
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Stanley Motss
We're locked into the speech, right? We're locked in! We are playing way past this. We are past this!
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Stanley Motss
Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark. Ok? Schumann is Jaws. You know, you have to tease 'em. You gotta tease 'em. You don't put Jaws in the first reel of the movie. It's the contract, sweetheart. The contract with the election, whether they know it or not, is vote for me Tuesday - Wednesday, I will produce Schumann. See? That's what they're paying their seven bucks for. You know what I mean?
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Sgt. William Schumann
Anybody want a beer? 'Cause I could party.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
The guy's a nut case.
Stanley Motss
Well, you would be too if you went through what he went through.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
He raped a nun.
Stanley Motss
What he went through in *Albania*.
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Stanley Motss
This is nothing. Did you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets swacked-out on Benzedrine and grappa. *This* is nothing.
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Stanley Motss
How we doing, boy? Huh? Ready to mix it up?
Sgt. William Schumann
Is today laundry day?
Stanley Motss
What do you do on laundry day?
Sgt. William Schumann
Laundry.
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Stanley Motss
Bring in the cavalry. Bring in the cavalry. Nick of time. You see that? Political shitbirds. Fuck with us, huh? They don't know who they're playing with.
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Winifred Ames
He doesn't have his green card. He doesn't have his green card.
Stanley Motss
So what?
Winifred Ames
So? What - do you want Schumann to be rescued by an illegal alien? We can't have Schumann being saved by an illegal immigrant.
Stanley Motss
Get on the phone. Fly in a judge. Get on the phone. What's all this moping about?
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Stanley Motss
You know, you can't save the world. All you can do is try.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Ain't that the truth?
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Media Guy #2
The message is irrelevant. The main element here we have to deal with... ... is the fact that fear is what's driving a lot of people. Ok?
Media Guy #1
Yes. Commercials. Commercials. Commercials. Commercials.
Crossfire Moderator
The President is a product.
Media Guy #1
Yes, the President *is* a product.
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Stanley Motss
Fuck my life. Fuck my life. I want the credit. The credit. Do you know what the New York Times said about my last picture? They called it "a thrill ride for the ages," but they didn't mention the producer. They talked about the costumes - but never talked about the producer. You know what that picture grossed? And now I'm going to stand here and let some limp-dick film-school pansy take the credit?
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Stanley Motss
They told me I couldn't remake Moby Dick from the point of view of the whale for $450 million domestic. I'm not even talking about the video. I made this lame turkey fly. I did it. Pure Hollywood. I tell you right now, for once in my life, I will not be *pissed* on. You hear me?
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[being introduced to a disheveled-looking Sgt. Schumann]
Stanley Motss
Sergeant Schumann, if I may, welcome to history.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I'm doing my job too and let me ask you something. Let me ask you a simple question. Why do people go to war? Why do they go to war?
CIA Agent Mr. Young
I'll play your silly game.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
OK. Why do they go to war?
CIA Agent Mr. Young
To ensure their way of life.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Would you go to war to do that?
CIA Agent Mr. Young
I have.
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Winifred Ames
You really want us to go to war?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
That's the general idea.
Winifred Ames
With who?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I'm working on it.
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Stanley Motss
Br'er Rabbit couldn't get out of this.
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Stanley Motss
All right. It's a suitcase bomb. I didn't even know I said that. It's a suitcase bomb! You don't need missiles. You can put a bomb in a suitcase. Right? It's a suitcase bomb.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
That's good.
Stanley Motss
A suitcase bomb. Yes! It's a suitcase bomb.
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Stanley Motss
How many kittens do we have, Grace?
Grace
There ought to be kittens a-plenty, Stanley.
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Stanley Motss
Connie, you had your fortune right here and you were ready to throw it away. Now listen to me, if you got a problem, solve it. *That's* producing.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Look, don't worry about it. It's nothing new. During Reagan's administration, 240 Marines killed in Beirut - 24 hours later, we invade Grenada. That was their M.O. Change the story, change the lead. It's not a new concept.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Show a little spunk.
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Fad King
Liz, do you vote? Do you vote?
Liz Butsky
No. I don't vote. I don't like the rooms. Too claustrophobic. I can't vote in small places.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Well, you know. You just got to take the bitter with the better.
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Stanley Motss
Can't they find me a kitten that listens?
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Winifred Ames
Connie, it won't prove out.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
It doesn't have to prove out. We just gotta distract them. We just gotta distract them. Got less than two weeks till the election.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Whoever's leaking that stuff to that geek at the Post lets it slip. "Jeez, I hope this won't screw up the B-3 program." "What B-3 program and why should it screw it up?" "Well, if the President decides to deploy the B-3, before it's fully tested." "Deploy the B-3 before it's fully tested?" "Yeah. Why?" "Why? The crisis."
Winifred Ames
What crisis?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
I'm working on that.
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Winifred Ames
You really want to go to war with Albania?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
We don't have a choice.
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Senator John Neal
Let the American people decide.
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Santa Fe Reporter
Today a local Firefly Girl accused the President of sexual misconduct. This photo of the President with the girls was taken during their recent tour of the White House. The girl claims that the sexual misconduct occurred inside the Oval Office. Her attorney says there are no plans yet to hold a press conference. Right now, folks in Sante Fe and the rest of America are waiting for a response from the White House on these harsh allegations. With the election only days away, the big question is how much will this scandal affect the outcome?
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Stanley Motss
Get me my veggie shake, Rumond - and remind me to turn over in 10 minutes to tan the other side.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
This is what you do. Get your press office right now to deny it.
Winifred Ames
It didn't happen.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
"Deny. There is no report of Albanian activity." They have to deny it.
Winifred Ames
It didn't happen.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Deny. Deny. Deny.
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Stanley Motss
All right, you bought yourself one day, maybe two.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
For bring them together, all I need is 11 till the election.
Stanley Motss
How are you gonna stretch it? This isn't gonna hold for 11 days. The guy fucked a Girl Scout.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
A Firefly Girl.
Stanley Motss
The guy fucked a Firefly Girl...
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Stanley Motss
You'd have to have a war. You're kidding. You're not kidding.
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Stanley Motss
Ooo! This guy is fucked.
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Fad King
I like this broad right here.
Stanley Motss
Where? No. Yours is too Texan.
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Johnny Dean
[singing]
I'm glad that your Mama's not here...
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Johnny Dean
[singing]
Sit on my lap if you love me, But don't put your hand down there...
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Stanley Motss
Please, write it down. Don't editorialize.
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Liz Butsky
A ribbon.
Fad King
It can't be a ribbon.
Liz Butsky
What's wrong with a ribbon?
Fad King
Because AIDS has a ribbon, the yellow ribbon thing had a ribbon. Fuck ribbons!
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Winifred Ames
It's very important. Listen up, Connie. It's all war. You're doing good.
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Stanley Motss
Anybody know anybody who's ever eaten in an Albanian restaurant? ...
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Is there such a thing an Albanian restaurant?
Stanley Motss
Has to be. They have to eat.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Is there a national dish?
Fad King
No. Well, nobody would know. We can make it up.
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Fad King
We're locked into Albania. Why?
Johnny Dean
Albania's hard to rhyme.
Stanley Motss
What are you looking at me for? It's the name of the country.
Johnny Dean
[singing]
Albania, Albania...
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Johnny Dean
Jim Belushi is Albanian?
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
The president's gonna go to war with Albania in about 30 minutes.
Fad King
We're declaring war on Albania?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
No. We're not declaring war. We're going to war. We haven't declared war since the Second World War.
Fad King
We're going to war?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
We're going to war.
Fad King
We're going to war.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
We're going to war.
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Fad King
Listen this. Just follow this. What if it wasn't Albania? Okay. Let's say it was Italy? I can get my hands on a lot of walkin'-around-cash if it's Italy. Because, listen this concept: "The boot." "Give them the boot." What if a shoe was the fad? A shoe fad.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Anyway, she gives him the sacred whatever it is - blah, blah, blah - telling him this is a sacred traditional offering given to the man who ties the first sheaf, the last sheaf, who the fuck knows what sheaf?
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Stanley Motss
We need it for the arm position. On screen, it'll be a kitten.
Tracy Lime
Can I hold the kitten?
Stanley Motss
No! We'll punch it in later. Right there.
Tracy Lime
You're gonna punch the kitten later?
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Winifred Ames
She's not an illegal immigrant, is she? Could I see the contract, please? Because the president can*not* employ an illegal immigrant.
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Director
Find us the ooh-ahhs.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean
Now, the old broad starts to break down and cry. Big Bird shrugs off his secret service, goes over to her, covers her with his own coat, end of story.
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