Juno Movie Quotes
Juno MacGuff
I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker
You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff
No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker
I try really hard, actually.
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Vanessa Loring
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff
Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
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Juno MacGuff
I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mac MacGuff
Can you can narrow that down for me?
Juno MacGuff
I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff
You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff
Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff
Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff
Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff
Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff
Please stop.
Juno MacGuff
That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac MacGuff
Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff
Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff
Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
Mac MacGuff
Yeah sure you have - your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously.
[nods to her belly]
Juno MacGuff
Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I won't be home late.
Mac MacGuff
Ok. You were talking about me right?
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Paulie Bleeker
I still have your underwear.
Juno MacGuff
I still have your virginity.
Paulie Bleeker
Would you shut up?
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Juno MacGuff
Hey, Dad.
Mac MacGuff
Hey, big puffy version of June bug. Where you been?
Juno MacGuff
Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.
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Juno MacGuff
Wow your shorts are like especially gold today.
Paulie Bleeker
My mom uses color safe bleach.
Juno MacGuff
Go Carol.
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Juno MacGuff
I'm just gonna go ahead an nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to, you know... an infant
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Rollo
So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff
I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
[grabs products]
Juno MacGuff
I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo
That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.
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Su-Chin
I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno MacGuff
Oh well I could sell you some of my Adderall if you want.
Su-Chin
No thanks I'm off pills.
Juno MacGuff
That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea!"
Su-Chin
I heard that was you.
Juno MacGuff
Well, it was good seeing ya Su-Chin.
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Leah
Juno?
Juno MacGuff
No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah
Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff
I'm pregnant.
Leah
What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff
Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah
It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff
No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah
How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff
I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah
Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff
Unfortunately, yes.
Leah
Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff
There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
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Juno MacGuff
Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
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Juno MacGuff
I'm going to really start looking like a dork soon. Will you still think I'm cute if I'm huge?
Paulie Bleeker
I always think you're cute. I think you're beautiful.
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Juno MacGuff
I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
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Mac MacGuff
What?
Juno MacGuff
Either I just peed my pants or um...
Mac MacGuff
*Or*...?
Juno MacGuff
THUNDERCATS ARE GO!
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Ultrasound Technician
Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah
Yes!
Juno MacGuff
No!
Leah
Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno MacGuff
No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician
Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff
Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff
No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician
Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren
What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician
I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff
How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah
Or, like, stage parents.
Bren
They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician
I guess not.
Bren
What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician
I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren
Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician
Excuse me?
Bren
Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
Juno MacGuff
Bren! You's a dick! I love it!
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Leah
Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff
I'm Pregnant.
Bren
Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff
But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff
You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren
I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff
I, uh...
Mac MacGuff
Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff
The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren
Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff
Yeah!
Mac MacGuff
No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff
Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff
Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff
What?
Mac MacGuff
I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah
I know, right?
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Juno MacGuff
Ow, ow, fuckity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren
It's called a spinal block. And you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno MacGuff
You mean I have to wait for it to get worse? Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren
Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream...
[Juno lets out painful scream, Brenda checks her watch]
Bren
Shit.
[to doctor]
Bren
Hey, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?
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Paulie Bleeker
You seem to be getting pregnanter these days.
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Juno MacGuff
Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you.
Paulie Bleeker
You're being really immature... You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Juno MacGuff
What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to like marry you?
Paulie Bleeker
Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'
Juno MacGuff
You just take Katrina the douchepacker to prom. I'm sure you two will have like a real bitchin' time.
Paulie Bleeker
Well, I still have your underwear!
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Juno MacGuff
You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
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Mac MacGuff
I'm not ready to be a pop-pop.
Bren
You're not going to be a pop-pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
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Juno MacGuff
...and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
Leah
Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?
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[at Juno's ultrasound]
Leah
Whoa! Check out Baby Big Head. Dude, that thing is freaky lookin'.
Juno MacGuff
Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
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Vanessa Loring
How do I look?
Bren
Like a new mom. Scared shitless.
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Juno MacGuff
Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.
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Rollo
Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
Juno MacGuff
I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign so I remain unconvinced.
[Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach]
Rollo
Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
Rollo
Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
Juno MacGuff
Silencio old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go pronto!
Rollo
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
[Juno heads towards the bathroom]
Rollo
[yells]
You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!
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Mark Loring
Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
Juno MacGuff
She gave you... your own room in... in your whole house? For your... for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark.
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Bren
When you move out I'm getting two Weimaraners!
Juno MacGuff
WHOA DREAM BIG!
Bren
Oh, go fly a kite!
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Juno MacGuff
No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.
Leah
Okay, well what did you have in mind?
Juno MacGuff
I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.
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Mac MacGuff
And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark Loring
Like the city in Alaska?
Juno MacGuff
No.
Mark Loring
No? Hon, shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa Loring
Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or...
Juno MacGuff
I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.
Mac MacGuff
She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
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Juno MacGuff
I named my guitar "Roosevelt"-not Ted, Franklin. You know, the hot one, with polio.
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Mac MacGuff
Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.
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Juno MacGuff
God, why is everyone always staring at me?
Leah
Well, you are kind of... convex.
Juno MacGuff
Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once!
Leah
I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately.
Juno MacGuff
Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days.
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Juno MacGuff
Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
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[last lines]
Juno MacGuff
As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but - I guess normalcy isn't really our style.
Paulie Bleeker
Hey.
Juno MacGuff
Hey.
Paulie Bleeker
Ready?
Juno MacGuff
Yeah.
[both sing and play]
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Mark Loring
So... Let's talk about how we're going to do this thing.
Juno MacGuff
What do you mean? Don't I just have the thing? Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Gerta Rauss
Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...
Mac MacGuff
What do you mean?
Juno MacGuff
Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?
Mark Loring
Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss
...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno MacGuff
SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!
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Vanessa Loring
You think you're really going to do this?
Juno MacGuff
Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Vanessa Loring
That's great.
Mark Loring
Keep it in the oven.
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Leah
All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'
Juno MacGuff
Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!
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Vanessa Loring
What's wrong? Why are you crying?
Juno MacGuff
I'm not crying, I'm just allergic to fine home furnishing.
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Mac MacGuff
And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener next time I see him.
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Juno MacGuff
[When Mark shows Juno one of his old comic books]
"Most Fruitful Yuki"? What is... Oh my god, she's a pregnant superhero!
Mark Loring
Isn't that great? I got it when I was in Japan with my band. She reminds me of you.
Juno MacGuff
Wow, I actually feel like less of a fat dork now.
Mark Loring
Yuki is bad ass, man. You should be proud to be in the same condition.
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[from trailer]
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Juno MacGuff
Oh, *wicked* pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super classy - not like those people with the fake woods in the background. Honestly who do they think they're fooling?
Vanessa Loring
You found us in the PennySaver?
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Gerta Rauss
So how far along are you?
Juno MacGuff
I'm a junior.
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Juno MacGuff
I'm not ready to be a mom.
Mac MacGuff
Damn skippy you're not! You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.
Juno MacGuff
God, that was *one* time! And she did not die, if you recall.
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Vanessa Loring
What are you saying?
Mark Loring
That it feels a little like bad timing.
Vanessa Loring
What would be a good time for you, Mark?
Mark Loring
There's just some things that I still want to do.
Vanessa Loring
Like what? Be a rock star?
Mark Loring
Don't mock me.
Vanessa Loring
I'm just saying that this is - this is something that's never gonna happen. You know -Your shirt is stupid. Grow up. If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain, I'm never gonna be a mother.
Mark Loring
I never said I'd be a good father.
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Juno MacGuff
This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.
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Juno MacGuff
[V.O]
Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice. When we made out, the day I got pregnant, his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.
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Juno MacGuff
My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark Loring
Zeus' wife?
Juno MacGuff
Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean, like Diana Ross.
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Juno MacGuff
Who's ready for some chromo magnificence?
Girl Lab Partner
Yeah, I have a menstrual headache. So I can't really look at bright lights today.
Guy Lab Partner
Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen!
Girl Lab Partner
No, Josh. Because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.
Guy Lab Partner
You know you've been acting like this ever since I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato... I already told you nothing happened.
Paulie Bleeker
Well I'm going to set up the apparatus. Um, Juno would you like to plug in the Bunsen burner?
Juno MacGuff
It's my pleasure.
Girl Lab Partner
I'm going to the infirmary.
Guy Lab Partner
Good. Call me when you get off the rag!
Girl Lab Partner
Fine! Call me when you learn how to love someone instead of cheat at your brother's college. Just because you had four Smirnoff ices and a bottle of snow peak peach flavored Boones.
Guy Lab Partner
Good, Amanda. I'll be sure to do that. I'll make a note of it!
[Amanda walks away]
Juno MacGuff
...I've actually heard the the snow peak peach flavor is the best flavor of Boone's.
[Josh nods his head in agreement]
Juno MacGuff
Isn't that... right, bleak?
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Mark Loring
[about Vanessa]
She just hates when I sit around watching movies and 'not contributing.'
Juno MacGuff
I'll handle this. I'm really good at defusing mom-type rage.
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Mac MacGuff
Did you see that coming?
Bren
Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff
That was my first instinct too. Or a DWI... anything but this!
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Leah
God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?
Juno MacGuff
Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked.
Leah
I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Juno MacGuff
Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.
Leah
Hot!
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Juno MacGuff
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that shit up.
[pause]
Juno MacGuff
They just won't admit it, because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah. Who, incidentally, is into teachers.
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Su-Chin
[protesting in front of the abortion clinic]
All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
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Leah
So, are you going to go to Haven Brook or Women Now? 'Cause you know, you need a note from your parents for Haven Brook.
Juno MacGuff
Yeah, I-I know. Ummm... no, I'm going to go to Women Now, just cause they help out "women now."
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Mark Loring
Why does everyone think yellow is gender neutral? I never knew a guy with a yellow room.
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Juno MacGuff
Silencio, Old Man!
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Juno MacGuff
Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
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Juno MacGuff
Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion...
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Juno MacGuff
Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Paulie Bleeker
Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.
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Juno MacGuff
[showing ultrasound photo]
It's a baby. It's your baby. It kinda looks like it's waving, you know, like it's saying, "Hey Vanessa, will you be my mom?"
Vanessa Loring
Aww, it kind of does.
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Juno MacGuff
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring. And they were beautiful even in black and white.
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Juno MacGuff
He said her house smells like soup.
Leah
Oh my god it does! I was there like four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton landing!
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Bren
Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
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Juno MacGuff
I'm pregnant.
Paulie Bleeker
What should we do?
Juno MacGuff
Well, I should just... I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Because they were talking about in health class how pregnancy... It can often lead to an infant.
Paulie Bleeker
Typically, yeah... Yeah that's what happens when our mothers and teachers get pregnant.
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Mark Loring
[about painting the baby's nursery]
You could just wait a couple months. It's not like the baby's going to storm in here any second and demand dessert-colored walls.
Vanessa Loring
What to Expect says that readying the baby's room is an important process for women. It's called "nesting."
Mark Loring
Nesting, huh? Are you planning to build the crib out of twigs and saliva?
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Juno MacGuff
[on the phone with "Women Now"]
Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion. What? - Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone.
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Juno MacGuff
That's what you think. I drink tons of booze so you might get one of those scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.
Mark Loring
Junk?
Juno MacGuff
You know... its parts...
Mark Loring
I know what junk is. We definitely want it to have junk.
Juno MacGuff
Well don't worry about it. My step-mom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&M's.
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Juno MacGuff
Can I use the facilities? Because being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit!
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Juno MacGuff
You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten-thousand leagues under the sea.
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Mac MacGuff
I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.
Juno MacGuff
I don't know what kind of girl I am.
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Mac MacGuff
Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring
It's a Pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff
What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring
Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Mac MacGuff
Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television... I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right.
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Juno MacGuff
I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
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[first lines]
Juno MacGuff
It started with a chair.
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Juno MacGuff
So, I've been spending a lot of time listening to that weird CD you made me.
Mark Loring
Oh really? What's the verdict?
Juno MacGuff
I sort of like it. I mean, it's cute.
Mark Loring
Cute?
Juno MacGuff
Well, when you're used to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else sounds kind of precious by comparison.
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Paulie Bleeker
I've wanted this for a really long time.
Juno MacGuff
I know.
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Leah
[reading]
"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw... all that's missing is your bastard!
Juno MacGuff
I want a parakeet.
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Punk Receptionist
Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno MacGuff
No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist
My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse; it makes his junk smell like pie.
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Rollo
You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!
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Juno MacGuff
You're quite the sellout, Mark. I mean... what would the Melvins say?
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Mark Loring
I mostly work from home. I'm a composer
Juno MacGuff
No shit. Like Johannes Brahms?
Mark Loring
No, more commercial stuff
Juno MacGuff
Like what?
Mark Loring
Commercials.
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Mac MacGuff
Liberty Bell, if you put one more Bac-O on that potato, I'll spank your monkey behind.
Liberty Bell
[laughs]
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[from trailer]
Juno MacGuff
I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.
Leah
You should look in the PennySaver.
Juno MacGuff
They have ads for parents?
Leah
Yeah! 'Desperately Seeking Spawn.'
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Paulie Bleeker
Come on, let me carry your bag.
Juno MacGuff
Oh, what's another ten pounds?
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Juno MacGuff
So guess what.
Juno MacGuff
I'm pregnant.
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Vanessa Loring
Well, aren't you the cool guy?
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Paulie Bleeker
Did you put like, a hundred things of tic-tacs in my mailbox?
Juno MacGuff
...Um, yeah, that was me.
Paulie Bleeker
Why?
Juno MacGuff
...Well you know, because they're your fav - and I figured you could never have enough of your favorite one calorie breath mints.
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Juno MacGuff
It ended with a chair.
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Leah
Yum, this pretzel tastes like a freaking DONUT!
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Juno MacGuff
I am giving you the gift of life, screaming, pooping life, and you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in blood and guts
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Mac MacGuff
You're just a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by a couple of baby-starved wing-nuts.
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Mark Loring
'93. I'm telling you that was the best time for rock and roll.
Juno MacGuff
Nuh-uh, 1977! Punk Volume 1. You weren't there, so you can't understand the magic.
Mark Loring
You weren't even alive!
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Mac MacGuff
Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.
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Juno MacGuff
I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously.
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Juno MacGuff
Oh and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked... it's just noise.
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Juno MacGuff
Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one that was in the Goonies.
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Bren
I think that kids get bored and have intercourse.
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Juno MacGuff
Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina Devore?
Paulie Bleeker
Uhh... hi...
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[Juno shoots the bird at her]
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Juno MacGuff
...like it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
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Juno MacGuff
[voice over]
When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All i see is pork swords.
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Steve Rendazo
Hey, your book fell apart!
Juno MacGuff
Right?
Steve Rendazo
It must've looked at your face!
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Leah
But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.
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Vijay
I'm gonna stop wearing underwear. Raise my sperm count.
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Juno MacGuff
So have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?
Mark Loring
Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.
Juno MacGuff
Madison? Isn't that a little... gay?
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Mark Loring
[in reference to Juno's stretched out shirt due to pregnancy]
Wow! That shirt's workin' hard.
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Leah
[about Bleeker taking Katrina De Voort to prom]
Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.
Juno MacGuff
[defensive]
I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all.
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Juno MacGuff
What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
Paulie Bleeker
No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!
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Juno MacGuff
And Paulie is actually great... in chair.
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Vanessa Loring
Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?
Mac MacGuff
Yes. Heating and air conditioning.
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Juno MacGuff
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IT WAS. THERE HE WAS.
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Bleeker's Mom
Hey, Paul, are you coming downstairs to eat?
Paulie Bleeker
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Bleeker's Mom
You ran eight miles today, puppy.
Paulie Bleeker
I, I'm not hungry, oddly.
Bleeker's Mom
But it's breakfast for supper. It's your favorite, Paul.
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Leah
You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.
Juno MacGuff
They have ads for parents?
Leah
Yeah! " Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to like terriers and iguanas, and used fitness equipment and stuff. It's like totally legit.
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