Feast Movie Quotes
Hero
Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions?
Bartender
Yeah. Who the hell are you?
Hero
I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.
[a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him]
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[after trapping one of the creatures]
Bozo
We're okay.
[hears another creature growling]
Bozo
Scratch that.
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Beer Guy
I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is.
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Coach
Whoa. Monster cock.
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Honey Pie
[Notices Bozo and Hot Wheels have been watching her undress, wash blood off]
Act like you've had some.
Bozo
Oh, I've had some, baby.
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Coach
Oh dear.
Honey Pie
What? What's he doing?
Bozo
They're humping!
Beer Guy
Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.
Hot Wheels
Monster sex.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Jason Mewes. Occupation: Actor. Life Expectancy: Already Surpassed Expectations.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Bozo. Job: Not Likely. Occupation: Town Jackass. Life Expectancy: Dead by Dawn.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Hot Wheels. Occupation: Selling Fireworks to 7th Graders. Life Expectancy: They Wouldn't Kill a Cripple, Would They?
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Honey Pie
[Re: first monster trapped and killed]
Jeez, it took all that? All those bullets?
Beer Guy
That's the LITTLE one? We can't fight these things! No way!
Heroine
We can still fight them. We just gotta be clever.
Coach
Maybe we don't have to fight them at all.
Bozo
Yeah, why don't we just call 'em names.
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Coach
[Both peering outside through secret hatch door in the dark basement]
You know, you and I have a lot of similarities. Strong. Resolute...
Heroine
You need to be quiet.
Coach
I'm sorry. I talk when I'm nervous.
Heroine
Quiet.
Coach
It's just, it's been a while since someone's been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be... well... offed.
Heroine
What did I say? Shh.
Coach
Sorry. I'm done now.
Coach
[Hoisting himself out the hatch door]
Great men will tell of my bravery.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Tuffy. Occupation: Career Waitress. Job: Single Mom. Life Expectancy: Expects Nothing From Life.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Bartender. Fun Fact: Shot 4 Times, Stabbed 6 Times, Bit By 1 Squirrel. Life Expectancy: Horrifying Death in 70 Minutes.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Beer Guy. Occupation: Beer Guy & Part-Time Host at Red Lobster. Life Expectancy: Losers and Dorks Go First... He's Both.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Harley Mom. Fun Fact: Robbing Bar in Ten Minutes. Life Expectancy: Wild Card.
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Honey Pie
Not from around here, are ya?
Coach
What gave me away?
Honey Pie
You have all you teeth.
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Bartender
[Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock]
Oh.
Coach
[Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit]
Cheese and crackers.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Bossman. Vibe: Mean, Stoned and Horny. Life Expectancy: Regular or Extra Crispy?
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Honey Pie. Occupation: Actress/Singer/Dancer/Model. Fun Fact: Dying to Get Out of Town. Life Expectancy: May Get Her Wish.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Cody Occupation: Tax Break. Skill: Can Fit Into Tight Spaces. Life Expectancy: A Wonderful, Full Life.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Heroine. Occupation: Wear Tanktop, Tote Shotgun, Save Day. Life Expectancy: Hopefully Better Than the Last Hero.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Hero Occupation: Kicking Ass Life Expectancy: Pretty Fucking Good
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Coach. Occupation: Motivational Speaker. Reputation: The Poor Man's Tony Robbins. Life Expectancy: Stay Far, Far Away.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Grandma. Fun Fact: Blew Mick Jagger... Recently. Life Expectancy: May Be Dead Already.
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Introductory Title Cards
Name: Vet. Fun Fact: Has Never Had Fun. Life Expectancy: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
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Bartender
Where you headin'?
Vet
I'm going home.
Bartender
Yeah?
Vet
I'm gonna go home, kiss my wife, be back on the frontlines as soon as they'll have me.
Bartender
That's truly righteous, man.
Vet
You don't know my wife.
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Beer Guy
Oh crap. Oh. Has anyone got lip balm... I can borrow?
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Bartender
C'mon, I'll take you to your car.
Honey Pie
[as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar]
Not tonight. I have an escort.
Bartender
That'll be eighteen bucks, pal.
Bartender
[Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab]
Guess I'll just keep this open.
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Bozo
Any more ideas, Animal Planet?
Coach
I-I was just being proactive!
Bartender
Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...
Bozo
Oh, go douche, Grandpa!
Beer Guy
What now?
Tuffy
We're stuck in here, that's what.
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Bozo
YOU!
Grandma
[Drunkenly]
What?
Bozo
You know somethin'!
Grandma
Huh?
Bozo
You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma
I don't know a thing.
Bartender
Easy there...
Bozo
Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo
Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma
No... really... I don't...
Bozo
Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma
I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma
Why don't you ask him? He's old!
Heroine
Relax. She doesn't know anything.
Bozo
Yeah... allegedly.
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Coach
We got your front, bro.
Bozo
It's your back, we got your back.
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[last lines]
Heroine
You know, her little girl's not far from here... Wanna get her?
Hot Wheels
What the fuck are you talking about?
Bozo
Shut up.
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Coach
If they can't reproduce, then we're one step closer. A big step. Now is the time to band together. We need to rise up against these creatures of the night. These monsters are no match for the human spirit. We can do it. We just need to believe in each other, believe in all of us. We need to make a stand. Right here, right now.
Bozo
Dude... are you gay?
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[first lines]
Finger Girl
[laughing]
Asshole!
Drunk Girl
Look out, Bozo!
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Bozo
Great men will write about my bravery.
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