Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an "R" rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those, and since research has proven that R-rated films are by far the most popular with the moviegoing public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say "Fuck you."
[the MPAA R-rating logo appears on the screen]
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[Over the phone]
Ms. Van Dyke
What makes your voice sound so funny?
The Breather
I'm disguising it.
Ms. Van Dyke
How?
The Breather
By talking through a rubber chicken.
Ms. Van Dyke
I thought it sounded like you were speaking through a rubber chicken.
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Principal Peters
Hasn't there been enough senseless killing? Let's have a murder that makes sense!
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[as Charlie attempts to make out with her]
Julie
Not here. Not now.
Charlie
Where? When?
Julie
Upstairs. Ten seconds.
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The Breather
Why do they always run away from me? It's the galoshes. They're a dead giveaway. Why do I wear them? It isn't even raining!
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Mr. Dumpkin
You don't need your family. You don't need your friends. As long as you have, a horsehead bookend.
[overhears Toby talking]
Mr. Dumpkin
Talking? During horsehead bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss Shouldn't-be-in-the-class-anyway?
Toby
Well, it's a horsehead bookend, Mr. Dumpkin.
Mr. Dumpkin
You stained it and everything. I couldn't have done a better job myself.
Toby
That's what I was thinking.
[the word SUSPECT flashes in front of Mr. Dumpkin]
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[a blind man and a man in a wheelchair are arguing over the only handicapped parking space]
Charles Ray
Hey, man, that's my parking space! Can't you see I'm blind?
Wheels
Hey, I'm more handicapped than you! I can't even make love to a woman.
Charles Ray
I can never find one! Now move it!
[Patti pulls in and steals the space]
Wheels
Hey, that's our parking spot!
Patti
Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
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Charlie
Julie, you're not responding to my maleness.
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Toby
Who could have done these murders?
Hardy
I don't know. It could have been anybody.
Toby
Well, it can't be ANYbody. It's gotta be somebody.
Hardy
Of course it's somebody, but that somebody could be anybody.
Toby
Well, look, we didn't do it, right?
Hardy
Right.
Toby
So you can't say it could be anybody. WE'RE anybody.
Hardy
True, but we're also somebody.
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The Breather
[to the audience]
Hello, it's me, The Breather. You're probably wonder who I am. Who could I be? Could I be the innocent looking Toby? Would you trust a girl who looked like Prince Valiant in a plum sweater? Maybe I'm Dr. Sigmund; a man who was once arrested for corrupting the morals of a hooker. Then there's Malvert; with an I.Q. of a handball and the personality of a parking meter: violated! Could I be the principal Mr. Peters; a man who keeps cheese in his underwear to attract mice? Let's not forget Ms. Leclair; English teacher by day and English teacher by night. Ah, Miss Mumsley; She eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens. Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke; what's in a name? Everything! And then there's Dumpkin; a man who sleeps with his nuts in between horsehead bookends.
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Football Coach
Wait a minute. Now, he could be our man. Look at him! Look at him! He's got blood on his hands!
Malvert the Janitor
No, since accident, Malvert pee red. You know good urologist?
[phone rings]
Ms. Van Dyke
I'll get it. I'm farthest from the phone.
Miss Mumsley
That makes sense.
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Toby
My father, Yuck.
Dr. Sigmund
Your father's name was Yuck?
Toby
He used to lock me in my room with him in it.
Dr. Sigmund
Don't call me Daddy anymore.
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The Breather
Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke. What's in a name? Everything.
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Toby
I said his keys not his cheese!
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Malvert the Janitor
Since accident, Malvert sometimes pee red.
Malvert the Janitor
Sex kills. Sex kills.
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The Breather
I said... huhahuhahuhahuhahuha...!
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Miss Mumsley
Listen Albert I wanted to talk to you. If for some reason suspicion should fall on our dear Mr. Peters, we would like you to confess. Well Mr. Peters is a valuable asset to society. While you are mere scum. What difference would jail make to you? You'll have fun with the boys. Women don't like you much now, I certainly don't! Homosexuality Is the up and coming thing.
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Patti
[seeing a disguised Toby at the big dance]
I'm telling you that's her. She's after my crown.
Scott
I'll go up to her and dance with her. If I don't get a hard-on, it'll be Toby for sure.
Mr. Dumpkin
[Toby pulls Hardy in for a long passionate kiss which draws a lot of attention including a very sweaty Mr. Dumpkin who wrings out his hankerchief]
Horseheads. Horseheads.
Scott
[pulls himself back to Patti]
That's not her.
Patti
That's *not* Toby Badger.
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Nurse Krud
Dead men tell no tales, but they fart.
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Toby
My father, Yuck.
The Breather
Your father's name was Yuck?
Toby
He used to lock me in my room with him in it.
The Breather
Don't call me Daddy anymore.
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