Spaceballs Movie Quotes
Dark Helmet
Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr
What?
Dark Helmet
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr
What's that make us?
Dark Helmet
Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
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Colonel Sandurz
Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet
What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz
We passed then.
Dark Helmet
When?
Colonel Sandurz
Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet
Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz
When?
Dark Helmet
Now.
Colonel Sandurz
Now?
Dark Helmet
Now.
Colonel Sandurz
I can't.
Dark Helmet
Why?
Colonel Sandurz
We missed it.
Dark Helmet
When?
Colonel Sandurz
Just now.
Dark Helmet
When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz
Soon.
Dark Helmet
How soon?
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Dark Helmet
Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner
Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet
Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole
I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet
Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz
He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet
I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz
That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet
And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz
He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet
How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew
Yo!
Dark Helmet
I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet
Keep firing, assholes!
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Dark Helmet
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?
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Ape #1
[as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes]
Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet
[One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose]
Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2
Spaceballs?
Ape #1
Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
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[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland
One.
Dark Helmet
One.
Colonel Sandurz
One.
Roland
Two.
Dark Helmet
Two.
Colonel Sandurz
Two.
Roland
Three.
Dark Helmet
Three.
Colonel Sandurz
Three.
Roland
Four.
Dark Helmet
Four.
Colonel Sandurz
Four.
Roland
Five.
Dark Helmet
Five.
Colonel Sandurz
Five.
Dark Helmet
So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
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[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz
Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet
WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz
You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet
Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz
Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet
Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet
GOOD!
[Sandurz slams the door]
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Dark Helmet
[playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice]
So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet
No, no, please leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
No, you are mine!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet
Not so fast, Helmet!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
Lone Starr!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet
Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
Now you are going to die! BAM!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet
Oh, oh... OH!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet
Hey, what did you do to my friend?
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet
OH! OH!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
And you too!
[in Dot voice]
Dark Helmet
Owww! Ah!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet
Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet
Oh, oh, leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet
No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet
Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
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Yogurt
Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
[turns it on]
Dink
Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
Yogurt
[reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt
And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
[pulls string]
Doll
May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt
[kisses the doll] Adorable.
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Captain of the Guard
You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
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Dark Helmet
[after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed]
Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
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Dot Matrix
How far did he get? What did he touch? What did he touch?
Princess Vespa
Nothing happened.
Lone Starr
What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix
*That* was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.
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Dark Helmet
So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
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[watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
Dark Helmet
No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
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Barf
I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr
Listen! We're not just doing this for money!
Barf
[Barf looks at him, raises his ears]
Lone Starr
We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
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Barf
I'm a mawg: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
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Dark Helmet
[appearing in the room, lifting up his visor]
I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet
Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet
What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator
Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator
Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator
Not that.
Dark Helmet
[lowers his visor]
Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
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Lone Starr
I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt
Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
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Lone Starr
Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!
Princess Vespa
Yogurt the Wise!
Dot Matrix
Yogurt the All-Powerful!
Barf
Yogurt the Magnificent!
Yogurt
Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
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Dark Helmet
You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
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Minister
Do you?
Lone Starr
Yes
Minister
Do you?
Princess Vespa
Yes
Minister
GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!
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[first title cards]
Title card/crawl
Once upon a time warp...
Title card/crawl
In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
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[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa
I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.
[her hair gets singed by a laser]
Princess Vespa
My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[begins blasting]
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Megamaid Guard
What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr
The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard
No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Starr changes hand position]
Lone Starr
Like this?
Megamaid Guard
Yeah!
[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr
Thanks.
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Trooper
[combing the desert with an large afro comb]
We ain't found shit!
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Colonel Sandurz
[squeaks]
Prepare ship...
[tries again, with booming voice]
Colonel Sandurz
Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
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[after running the full length of Spaceball One to reach the bridge]
President Skroob
The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.
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Dark Helmet
[after tearing the microphone out of the desk]
Now what is it?
Radar Technician
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet
What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician
I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet
The what?
Colonel Sandurz
The what?
Dark Helmet
And the what?
Radar Technician
You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician
The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician
And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet
[to Colonel Sandurz]
That's not all he's lost.
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Princess Vespa
I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr
Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
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[as they are trekking through the desert]
Lone Starr
Water. Water.
Barf
[Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]
Dot Matrix
Oil. Oil.
Princess Vespa
Room service. Room service.
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Colonel Sandurz
Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet
No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
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Dark Helmet
What did you do?
Colonel Sandurz
I turned off the wall.
Dark Helmet
No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
Colonel Sandurz
I must have pressed the wrong button.
Dark Helmet
Well, put it back on!
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President Skroob
Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet
It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob
Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz
1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob
1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz
Yes!
President Skroob
That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
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Dark Helmet
[looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz
No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz
Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet
Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz
Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet
[to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room
[covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
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Princess Vespa
Now listen you...
Lone Starr
You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
Princess Vespa
And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
Lone Starr
You are royal pain in the...
Barf
Whoa, hold it, time.
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Dark Helmet
[breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style]
I can't breathe in this thing!
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Minister
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
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[man who ate the Space Special is becoming violently ill]
Woman in Diner
Grab him some water!
Trucker in Cap
Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
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Minister
Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!
Princess Vespa
I'm sorry!
King Roland
I'm sorry
Prince Valium
I'm sorry too.
Minister
Don't be sorry, be quiet!
Princess Vespa
Princess Vespa, King Roland, Prince Valium: I'm sorry!
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[after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob
Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
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[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice
Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob
Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice
Just kidding!
President Skroob
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
Self-Destruct Voice
[Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording]
Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice
Have a nice day.
President Skroob
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
[They close them again]
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[upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet
My brains are going into my feet!
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Dark Helmet
Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
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[last lines]
Dot Matrix
[seeing Lone Starr and Princess Vespa kiss at their wedding]
Well, goodbye virgin alarm.
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Lone Starr
We gotta get moving before dawn.
Barf
Why so early?
Lone Starr
Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
Barf
Nice dissolve.
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Barf
(reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!
Princess Vespa
How was that?
Lone Starr
Not bad.
Barf
Not bad... for a girl.
Dot Matrix
Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!
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President Skroob
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
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Yogurt
Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!
Lone Starr
I can't - I lost the ring!
Yogurt
Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box! The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr. It's in you!
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Colonel Sandurz
[after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops]
Are you alright sir?
Dark Helmet
[in a stupor]
Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz
Fine sir.
Dark Helmet
[softly]
Good
Colonel Sandurz
It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet
[barely audible]
Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz
What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet
Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz
We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet
Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz
Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet
Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet
[Collapses]
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Minister
What's your name?
Barf
Barf.
Minister
Your full name?
[Barf sucks in chest to look stronger]
Barf
Barfolomew!
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Dot Matrix
Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.
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Lone Starr
Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
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Princess Vespa
[the quartet enters Yogurt's lair]
Princess Vespa
What is this place?
Barf
It looks like the Temple of Doom.
Dot Matrix
Well it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.
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Colonel Sandurz
[in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair]
But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet
Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.
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Lone Starr
Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
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Colonel Sandurz
Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet
No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz
Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
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Dark Helmet
[Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first]
Hey hey hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?
Bearded Lady
[in gravelly voice]
I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]
Dark Helmet
[Helmet up at the window]
Wait, wait! No!
Bearded Lady
[escape pod blasts away]
Dark Helmet
Come back you fat bearded bitch!
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Barf
Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
Lone Starr
Just one more dune to go.
Barf
That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.
[collapses, dropping Dot]
Lone Starr
Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...
[stops]
Lone Starr
Who am I kidding?
[Drops Vespa, collapses]
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Lone Starr
A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt
Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf
Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt
Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie
Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
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Barf
Barf, Lone Starr: [after the chest-bursting alien dances across the counter at the diner] Check please!
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Charlene
Charlene, Marlene: Hello, President Skroob.
Marlene
I'm Marlene.
Charlene
I'm Charlene.
President Skroob
Chew your gum.
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Princess Vespa
Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!
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Colonel Sandurz
Sir hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet
Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*
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Commanderette Zircon
[Skroob is going to the bathroom. Zircon appears on the wall in front of him]
President Skroob!
President Skroob
Ahh! I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!
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Alien puppet
[singing and dancing] Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me your kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me honey you'll lose me then you'll be left alone, oh baby telephone and tell me I'm your own!
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President Skroob
[to Dark Helmet]
Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How I do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing?
[Dark Helmet raises his face shield and sticks his tongue out at Skroob after he turns away]
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Self-Destruct Voice
This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
President Skroob
Cancellation button? HURRY!
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Radar Technician
[Into raspy-sounding intercom]
Sir?
Colonel Sandurz
What is it?
Radar Technician
Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz
[Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician]
Well?
Radar Technician
[Into the intercomm]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz
[Putting the intercomm microphone back]
You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician
[Raspy-sounding intercomm voice]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet
[Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside]
Now, what is it?
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[nurse exits]
Dark Helmet
I bet she gives great helmet.
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Barf
The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.
Lone Starr
Nuh-uh.
Barf
Uh-huh.
Lone Starr
Nuh-uh.
Barf
Uh-uh.
Lone Starr
Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.
Barf
Aha! You're right.
Lone Starr
Down scope.
Barf
Down scope.
[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish]
Barf
Radar about to be "jammed."
[then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish]
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President Skroob
[Upon discovering there is only one escape pod left]
One pod left and three of us and I'm the President. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it.
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[after their Schwartz sabers get twisted]
Dark Helmet
Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.
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Dark Helmet
Prepare to attack.
Colonel Sandurz
Prepare to attack!
Dark Helmet
On the count of three. One... two...
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet
Late! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz
[worried]
I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet
And what have we bot on this thing? A *cuisinart*?
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Dark Helmet
[as the ship is going into ludicrous speed]
We've passed them. Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz
We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet
BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!
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Dark Helmet
So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.
[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]
Dark Helmet
The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.
[throws it down the grate]
Dark Helmet
Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!
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Dark Helmet
WHAT? You went over my helmet?
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President Skroob
Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet
[aside to Colonel Sandurz]
The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
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Prison Guard
Hey! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Prison Guard
They beat the shit out of us too!
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Commanderette Zircon
Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob
I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon
Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
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Yogurt
I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe... as the...
Barf
...the Force?
Yogurt
No, the Schwartz!
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[as Lone Starr dodges laser blasts from Dark Helmet's Schwartz]
Dark Helmet
Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wild World of Sports.
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Pizza the Hutt
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr. And his sidekick, Puke.
Barf
That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt
Barf... Puke... *Whatever!*
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Minister
...to join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of Holy...
[sound of Eagle 5 flying over the castle]
Minister
MOLY!
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Lone Starr
Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
Dot Matrix
Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.
Barf
Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
Lone Starr
I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Princess Vespa
Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...
Lone Starr
Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
Princess Vespa
Beer-swilling pigs!
Lone Starr
Horse-faced space dogs!
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Lone Starr
What?
Lone Starr
Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?
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Princess Vespa
[singing in a very deep tone]
Nobody knows...
Lone Starr
It's coming from there.
Barf
That can't be her.
[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]
Princess Vespa
[singing in a very deep tone]
... the trouble I've seen...
[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]
Princess Vespa
[singing in a very deep tone]
Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Starr
It's her.
Princess Vespa
[Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone]
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf
She's a bass.
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Dot Matrix
Hey, stop looking up my can.
Barf
Sorry.
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Dot Matrix
[while running from blaster fire, a la Star Wars]
"Ooh, I *hate* these movies!
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Dark Helmet
Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr!
[camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]
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Lone Starr
Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something Princess? You are *ugly* when you're angry.
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[watching Spaceball One change into MegaMaid]
Barf
Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a Transformer.
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Dot Matrix
Hey wait, you forgot to get married!
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Barf
Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mawgs first!
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Dot Matrix
I was saying; Do you realize what you've done?
Princess Vespa
Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.
Dot Matrix
I wonder if she's glad.
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King Roland
Are you all right, my dear? You look a little... flighty.
Princess Vespa
Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran.
King Roland
He didn't take the million.
Princess Vespa
He didn't?
King Roland
No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
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Self-Destruct Voice
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
President Skroob
You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
Colonel Sandurz
I can't - it's irreversible.
President Skroob
Like my raincoat!
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Princess Vespa
[looking up at the night sky]
Which one's yours?
Lone Starr
Who knows?
Princess Vespa
You don't know where you're from?
Lone Starr
Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
Princess Vespa
A monastery? Where?
Lone Starr
Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
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Yogurt
[Makes an strange noise from his throat when looking at Lone Starr's medallion]
Lone Starr
Oh, you can read it?
Yogurt
No, I was just clearing my throat.
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Snotty
[Flipping switches to beam President Skroob back]
Lock one... lock two... lock three... Loch Lomond...
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Dot Matrix
[Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia]
What'll we do?
Lone Starr
We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.
Princess Vespa
But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Starr
Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!
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Princess Vespa
I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
Lone Starr
You're probably right.
Princess Vespa
I know now that I must learn to live without love.
Lone Starr
I guess so.
Princess Vespa
Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Starr
Nah... It never was!
Princess Vespa
I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...
[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]
Princess Vespa
love.
Lone Starr
Sure you could.
Princess Vespa
Without physical contact.
Lone Starr
Yeah.
Princess Vespa
Without being held.
Lone Starr
Yeah.
Princess Vespa
Or kissed...
[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]
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[after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on]
Barf
Oh! That's gonna leave a mark.
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[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]
Dark Helmet
Ummmm... He did it.
Lone Starr
What?
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Lone Starr
Now, hear this: the minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
Dot Matrix
What was that?
Princess Vespa
Now, you hear this, whoever you are. You will not *touch* that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth!
Lone Starr
Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.
Princess Vespa
[insulted]
Sweetheart?
Dot Matrix
Uh-oh.
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Barf
It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!
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[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs, the movie]
Colonel Sandurz
That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator
Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz
Fast-forward!
Video Operator
Fast-forwarding, sir!
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Dark Helmet
Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.
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President Skroob
As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye.
[hangs up]
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Dark Helmet
Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!
Colonel Sandurz
[Summing up the evil plan of the movie]
We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet
[to camera]
Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet
Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz
Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet
Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
[laughs "evil"]
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Lone Starr
I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt
Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
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Self-Destruct Voice
[aboard Mega-Maid]
Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
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Dark Helmet
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!
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Prison Guard
Yeah, can't you read? No parking!
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Dark Helmet
[to Col. Sandurz]
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!
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Minister
I'm gonna take no more chances but to make a short version. Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Prince Valium
[yawning]
Uh-huh.
Minister
Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Princess Vespa
Uh, well, I... I suppose. Well... oh, I don't know.
Minister
What? Who the hell are you?
Lone Starr
Prince Lone Starr.
Princess Vespa
Prince?
Lone Starr
[showing her his medallion]
I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest-to-God prince. Will you marry me?
Princess Vespa
Well, let me think about it.
[pushing Prince Valium away]
Princess Vespa
Yes!
Minister
I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!
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Colonel Sandurz
All personnel proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
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Princess Vespa
What's going on?
Dot Matrix
It's either the 4th of July, or someone's trying to kill us!
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Barf
[after Spaceball 1 zooms past the Winnebago at 'ludicrous speed']
They must've overshot us by about a week!
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Dark Helmet
Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz
It's Megamaid sir, she gone from suck to blow.
President Skroob
Well we've got to stop it.
[to Helmet]
President Skroob
Do something!
Dark Helmet
[to Sandurz]
Do something!
Colonel Sandurz
[Over Intercom]
Do something!
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Dark Helmet
[Dr. Schlotkin is caught making out with his nurse assistant]
Schlotkin!
Dr. Schlotkin
[pulls away from the nurse and adjusts his glasses as the nurse nervously zips the top of her dress back up]
What?
Dark Helmet
We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz.
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[first lines]
Radio Operator
Colonel Sandurz!
Colonel Sandurz
What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
Radio Operator
You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz
So?
Radio Operator
Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz
You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Radio Operator
Thanks, sir.
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Dark Helmet
[capturing Vespa's ship]
So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
[opening the door and looking inside]
Dark Helmet
She's not in there.
[the Spaceballs in the room all drop their weapons and cover their crotches]
Radar Technician
[calling on the intercom]
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a... Winnebago.
Dark Helmet
Winnebago? Lone Star. Lone Starr!
[pounding Vespa's ship in anger, the door falls and bonks him on the head]
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Princess Vespa
[fleeing Spaceball City to the Eagle 5]
Open the door!
Barf
I can't, it's fused!
Princess Vespa
Well, what about this one?
Barf
It's locked.
Princess Vespa
Well, where are the keys?
Barf
Inside!
Princess Vespa
Oh, great!
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King Roland
Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
Dark Helmet
Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkin. The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.
Dr. Schlotkin
[bowing]
Your Highness.
King Roland
Nose job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose job. It was her was her sweet-16 present.
Dark Helmet
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkin will give your daughter back...
[holding up a blown-up picture]
Dark Helmet
...her old nose!
Princess Vespa
NOOOO! Where did you get that?
King Roland
All right, I'll tell! I'll tell!
Princess Vespa
No, Daddy, no, you mustn't!
King Roland
You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell him the combination, no matter what.
Dark Helmet
Very well. Dr. Schlotkin, do your worst.
Dr. Schlotkin
[scraping his blades together]
My pleasure.
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King Roland
[requesting Lone Starr's help to rescue Vespa]
You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything.
Barf
Anything?
King Roland
Yes, anything!
Lone Starr
Okay. We'll do it for... a million.
King Roland
A million?
Barf
[preparing to toggle the video feed]
Oh, you're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, Your Highness.
King Roland
All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
Lone Starr
All right, King. You just made a deal.
Barf
One princess for one million space bucks.
Lone Starr
What's she driving?
King Roland
A brand-new white Mercedes, 2001 S.E.L. Limited Edition. Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
Lone Starr
We get the idea. Where was she last seen?
King Roland
She was just passing Jupiter 2.
Lone Starr
We'll find her.
King Roland
Please bring her back safely. And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.
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TV Newsman
On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt, famed half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.
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Minister
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together... again.
Princess Vespa
Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?
King Roland
I didn't think it was important.
Minister
May I continue, please?
King Roland
Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
Minister
Thank you. To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium...
[realizing his mistake]
Minister
I'm sorry. It's the hair.
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Princess Vespa
Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just took his million spacebucks and ran.
King Roland
He didn't take the million...
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[when Lone Starr and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress
Ready to order?
Woman in Diner
Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
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Yogurt
And may the Schwartz be with youuuyoyoy - oh what a world, what a world!
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President Skroob
[finding the Pizza Delivery Guy in his escape pod]
Hey, get out of there! Where do you think you're going?
Pizza Guy
Pizza to go!
[laughing, launches escape pod]
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Barf
[Steps out of motorhome and flips off guards while making kissing sounds]
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Waitress
Oh, he had the special.
Barf
The sp... that's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr
Good move.
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[opening it and taking out an exaggeratedly large hair dryer]
Lone Starr
What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
Princess Vespa
It's my industrial-strength hair dryer. AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!
Lone Starr
Okay, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life! You want this hot air machine, you carry it.
Princess Vespa
[he drops it on the ground]
You pick that up.
Lone Starr
*You* pick that up.
Princess Vespa
How dare you, you insolent peasant? Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
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Waitress
[getting swatted by Barf's tail]
Hey, hey. Watch where you're sticking that thing.
Barf
Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.
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Dark Helmet
I don't see them, Sandurz.
Colonel Sandurz
I've sent the troops on ahead to vector 78, sir.
Dark Helmet
Good. Let's get moving.
Colonel Sandurz
Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
Dark Helmet
What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go.
Colonel Sandurz
Just go.
Sand Cruiser Driver
Yes, sir.
Colonel Sandurz
Sir, shouldn't you sit down?
[the force of the speeder's movement thrusts Helmet down into his seat]
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Lone Starr
[entering a tunnel in Megamaid's ear]
There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
[the ship's infrared scanner stops]
Lone Starr
I think we just found it.
Princess Vespa
Where?
Lone Starr
Watch.
[adjusting the camera angle]
Lone Starr
Bingo! There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
Barf
Putting her in hover.
Lone Starr
I'm going down there.
Barf
He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
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Prison Guard
Hey, you can't park here!
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Commanderette Zircon
President Skroob! Salute!
All the henchmen in the room
[all do the spaceball salute] Hail Skroob!
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Commanderette Zircon
Snotty - beam him down.
Snotty
Yes sir. Immediately, sir.
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President Skroob
Why didn't anybody tell me my ass was this big?
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Snotty
[realizing that President Skroob's head is on backwards]
Geezbeasties! What's happened to his head?
Commanderette Zircon
[disgusted]
It's on backwards!
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Dark Helmet
Hey, hey, hey! That's my escape pod. Who are you?
Bearded Lady
I am the Bearded Lady. What are you? One of the freaks?
[pushes Dark Helmet out of the way and climbs into the escape pod]
Dark Helmet
Hey, hey! Come back! That's my pod. No!
[watches the escape pod being jettisoned]
Dark Helmet
Come back, you fat bearded bitch!
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Prison Guard
Hey! You can't park here!
Prison Guard
Yeah, can't you guys read? No parking.
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King Roland
Oh, Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home and safe. And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
[an aide nudges the sleeping Prince Valium awake]
Prince Valium
[yawning]
Oh, hello. Where have you been?
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Barf
I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat?
Lone Starr
Nah. Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here, chow down.
Barf
Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.
Lone Starr
No!
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Lone Starr
Let's set a course for Druidia.
Barf
Settin' a course for Druid-i-i-i...
Barf
I don't know. I don't know. We're losin' power. Why? 'Cause we're out of gas!
Lone Starr
Must have burned it up in hyperactive.
Barf
I told you we should have put more than five bucks' worth in!
Lone Starr
Okay. We'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading!
Barf
[praying]
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...
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Waitress
Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream. What'll you have?
Lone Starr
We just got a couple minute while we're gassing up. What's ready?
Waitress
I can give you the space soup or the space special.
Lone Starr
Um, I'll have the soup.
Waitress
Okay.
Barf
I'll have the cleavage. Uh, special.
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Yogurt
Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Lone Starr
Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means... .
Yogurt
Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you wanna get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Barf
Bye, Yogurt!
Lone Starr
And, Yogurt... thanks.
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TV Newsman
Coming up, Pongos review of Rocky Five... thousand.
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Lone Starr
Dim the lights.
Lone Starr
Go to infrared.
Lone Starr
And pray to God.
Barf
Praying to God.
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Lone Starr
Uh oh, here comes the Badyear blimp.
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Dark Helmet
Now, commence Operation Vacu-Suck.
Dark Helmet
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz, President Skroob: Suck. Suck. Suck!
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President Skroob
Who are you?
Bearded Lady
I'm the Bearded Lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
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Lone Starr
But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt
Merchandising!
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Dark Helmet
How can there be a cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie"? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz
That's true, sir. But there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet
There has?
Colonel Sandurz
Yes. lnstant cassettes! They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet
Nah!
Video Operator
Here it is, sir! "Spaceballs"!
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Colonel Sandurz
Corporal, get me the video cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie".
Video Operator
Yes, sir.
[looking through the collection of video cassettes]
Video Operator
"The Producers", "Twelve Chairs", "Blazing Saddles", "Young Frankenstein", "Silent Movie"...
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Barf
Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right.
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Dot Matrix
Barf, how'd you do it?
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