Artie Lange's Beer League Movie Quotes
Johnny Trinno
[giving the toast at Maz's wedding]
So to recap, throughout it all, there's been a lot of laughter, and a few tears. But in the end the clouds parted, and the good Lord himself decided it was meant to be. And that's how I finished the regular season batting .706.
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Dirt
Hey! I don't want any of you Italians drinking out of my water bottle! Damn wops!
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Gina
Okay, you know what? I'm not being a bitch here. You're missing Marie's recital tonight, and I said we could wait 'til after the softball season to go on our honeymoon. I even let you pick your scumbag friend Artie as best man!
Maz
Sweetheart, listen, huh? It's the first game of the season. I just don't wanna be late, alright? I'm with you on the cakes, I'll look at 'em later.
Gina
You know, I was gonna surprise you by making your little plastic man on the cake a Derek Jeter action figure. But now? No. I'm making you one of those Puerto Ricans from the fucking Mets!
Maz
Don't even joke like that, Gina!
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Maz
I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.
Johnny Trinno
Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.
Artie DeVanzo
You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.
Maz
Alright, here it comes.
Johnny Trinno
You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.
Artie DeVanzo
You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.
Rhonda
Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?
Maz
Thank you.
Rhonda
Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.
Maz
That's right.
Rhonda
Do you want a side order of cock with that?
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Linda Salvo
I'm so embarrassed right now.
Artie DeVanzo
You're embarrassed? I just got cock-blocked by my mom!
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Johnny Trinno
It's unfair, it's like pitching to a healthy Lou Gehrig.
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Dirt
You're a fat fucking disgrace!
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Artie DeVanzo
Ohh! Alright, listen up. Anybody who doesn't do a pregame shot with me right now is a fucking pussy.
Dennis Mangenelli
Jerk off!
Artie DeVanzo
Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?
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Dirt
Don't eyeball me tough guy! When I was in the joint, I fucked guys bigger than you!
Artie DeVanzo
What the hell are we waiting for-hey did Dirt just say he use to fuck guys?
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Maz
If you're gonna ask her, you gotta be prepared to answer the question yourself. So, what's your number?
Artie DeVanzo
Let's see. I used to be better at keeping track of this. Uh, seventy-three.
Maz
Not counting whores.
Artie DeVanzo
Six.
[Both pause]
Artie DeVanzo
You're right, I'll drop the whole thing.
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Dirt
Jesus Christ, you're like a bunch of Monkeys trying to screw a football!
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Artie DeVanzo
[imitating Yankees PA Announcer Bob Sheppard]
Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick,
[Artie's team laughs]
Artie DeVanzo
Number 1
Dennis Mangenelli
Yeah, all right!
Artie DeVanzo
Needle Dick.
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Artie DeVanzo
You know, Dave, you might be a lefty.
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Artie DeVanzo
Hey, are we done here? 'Cause I'm losing my buzz.
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Alfonse
Check it out, my new italiano mit.
Maz
That's cool, Alfonse.
Johnny Trinno
How much of a guido could you possibly be?
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Johnny Trinno
[speaking in an announcer-type voice]
Now coming to bat is Artie DeVanzo. Last season was a fine one for DeVanzo, we all know that. He batted 420 with 45 RBIs. He enters today's game with a Blood Alcohol Content of .16. If you kids scoring at home, that is an impressive *twice* the legal limit.
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Artie DeVanzo
Come on let's get this guy! Let's get this punk! He's nothin'! He's a loser! He's an asshole! A cock sucker! He's a total piece a shit!
Dennis Mangenelli
You shut up fatso!
Artie DeVanzo
Hey, watch the name-calling!
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Linda Salvo
Be honest with me, Artie. The only reason you like me is because I fuck you.
Artie DeVanzo
Not at all... I mean it's awesome.
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Johnny Trinno
Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.
Artie DeVanzo
I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.
Rhonda
Chocolate milk?
Artie DeVanzo
You know it honey.
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Maz
[responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding]
He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.
Artie DeVanzo
Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.
Johnny Trinno
Oh my God you fat fuckin' liar.
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Maz
Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!
Artie DeVanzo
[punches glove]
Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.
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Artie DeVanzo
If you put a construction hat on that order, it could be one of the village people.
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Dennis Mangenelli
Hey, DaVanzo
Artie DeVanzo
If you're gonna ask if you can suck my left nut, the answer's maybe.
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Linda Salvo
[as Artie and Linda sit in the car after their date]
Alright listen, if you're really quick I'll give you a blowjob, but you gotta be quick!
Artie DeVanzo
Kidding me? I hear ya. When blowjobs go on too long it's like you chicks forget guys' dicks get tired.
Linda Salvo
Stop with the jokes, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow so concentrate, okay?
Artie DeVanzo
I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.
Linda Salvo
Who the fuck is that?
Artie DeVanzo
He was the host of Concentration just blow me.
Artie DeVanzo
No mom, go back inside!
Artie's Mom
It's in the fridge, you change your mind.
Artie DeVanzo
*Back inside*!
Linda Salvo
I'm so embarrassed right now.
Artie DeVanzo
You're embarrassed I just got cock blocked by my mom!
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Dirt
Hey, good effort. Way to go, way to go.
Maz
Damn.
Dirt
You assholes know I'm being sarcastic, right?
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Dirt
Try not to spread your legs like a $2 hooker.
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