Alice CooperWell, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.
PeteIn fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice CooperYes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
BenjaminWayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell[holding a Pizza Hut box]Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
BenjaminI'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell[holding a bag of Doritos]Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar[wearing Reebok wardrobe]It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne CampbellI can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Wayne CampbellA gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
StacyYou don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne CampbellI lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!
Wayne CampbellAm I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "It's OK, I don't mind, I don't mind"? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Mikita's Manager, Glen[to the camera]I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
Wayne CampbellHel-lo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
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Garth AlgarUhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne CampbellI say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
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Wayne CampbellOr, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware.
Wayne CampbellWell, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth AlgarI just hoped you didn't think it sucked.
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Garth AlgarOK... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then, I'll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
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BenjaminHey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
Mikita's Manager, GlenYou know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store]
GuyYou are like... amazing... dude.
Garth AlgarThanks. I like to play.
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CassandraI don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin KaneOh, actually all champagne is French; it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
Wayne CampbellAh yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
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RusselIt will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne CampbellExcuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
Garth AlgarCool! Yeah, we'll stay and hang around with youse - with Alice Cooper.
Wayne CampbellWayne Campbell, Garth Algar: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck!
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Garth Algar[reading Benjamin's planner aloud]"Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show and exploit it." Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.
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Wayne CampbellI mean, there are two Darrin Stevenses, right? Dick York and Dick Sargent. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
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Garth AlgarThat bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.
Mikita's Manager, GlenYeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
DavyActually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Garth AlgarOkay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne CampbellOkay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?
Garth AlgarWell, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...
[a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
Garth Algar...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
Garth AlgarDo you ever get the feeling that Benjamin is not one of us?
Wayne CampbellGood call. It's as if Benjamin wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
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Garth Algar[getting a suck-cut]Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!
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Wayne CampbellTell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Wayne CampbellWill you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Garth AlgarDid you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Garth AlgarWe're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne CampbellYeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!
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Wayne CampbellI know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
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[after being stranded]
Garth AlgarI'm having a good time... *not*!
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[after seeing Cassandra for the first time]
Wayne CampbellShe will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.
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[enjoying a breathtaking view]
Wayne CampbellYou know, Cassandra, from this height... you could really hock a loogie on someone.
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[Holds out a Dixie cup]
Garth AlgarHey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
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Wayne CampbellLet me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However, I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Garth Algar[describing his feelings of the new set]It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you.
[the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]
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[Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training]
Garth AlgarWhat are you gonna do with these guys?
Wayne CampbellOh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.
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Wayne CampbellWow! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery... NOT!
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Wayne CampbellYou've gone mental. I'm gettin' outta here, Damien!
RusselAnd I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
BenjaminAnd I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
Wayne CampbellIsn't it great that we're all better people?
Wayne CampbellYes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth AlgarThat's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
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BenjaminFirst, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.
Garth AlgarYou are?
BenjaminThe way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.
Garth AlgarWell, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
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TerryWayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
CassandraWhat? You think that's the way I get a gig?
Wayne CampbellWell, first he screws me, then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.
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Wayne Campbell[admiring Benjamin's apartment]Yep, this is definitely the kind of apartment I'll have if I ever move out of my parents' basement.
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BenjaminWayne, did you know that Noah does all his own commercials?
Noah VanderhoffYeah, I got a new one where I rap. "Come bust a move where the games are played. It's chill, it's fresh, it's Noah's Arcade." What do you think of that?
Wayne CampbellWhat the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and do you know what really pisses me off-
[Camera pans away]
Wayne CampbellWhere are you goin'? Where are you goin'? OK, OK, come on back. Come on back. Things aren't as bad as they seem. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump on you. I'll figure something out, OK?
[gives the thumbs-up]
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[in a music store]
Wayne CampbellI know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.
[strums guitar]
ClerkMay I help you?
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[last lines]
Garth AlgarYou know, I, I don't think anyone's gonna tell us when to leave.
Wayne CampbellYeah, good call, Garth. Uh, I'll bet we're just gonna sit here, and when they're finished, they'll fade to black.
Officer KoharskiI just pulled over a tour bus on its way to Chicago. We had a tip that there was some drug smuggling going down. We searched the vehicle. It was clean, so we had to proceed with the body cavity searches.
Wayne CampbellWayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [singing] . It's Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party Time! Excellent! Wu-ah-wu-ah-wu-ah-wu-ah...
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Noah VanderhoffWayne, I used to be in meat packing. Lips and hooves. Then, one day I had a four-hour layover in Tulsa. Well, there were these kids in the airport who kept pumpin' quarters into a game called Pong. They must've gone through 50 bucks. Well, I sat there watchin' and I said, "Hell, I'm in the wrong business!" Fifteen years later, I'm a millionaire.
Wayne CampbellSay, I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?
Garth AlgarYeah, I definitely smell a pork product of some type.
Officer KoharskiYeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're doing, Campbell. Bacon, pig, oink-oink, police officer.
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Wayne CampbellI think we'll go with a little "Bohemian Rhapsody", gentlemen.
Garth AlgarGood call!
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Wayne CampbellOkay, we're just about out of time, right? But before we go, we'd like to take a moment here for a Wayne's World salute to the GUESS jeans girl, Claudia Schiffer. Schwing!
RusselIf I may, speaking from a producer-director standpoint, kids can relate to this show. These guys aren't phonies. Kids can spot phonies. They're very smart.
Noah VanderhoffKids know dick. I watch 'em in my arcades. They stand like lab rats hitting the feeder bar to get food pellets. As long as they pump in quarters, who gives a shit, right?
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Cassandra[singing]I have only one itchin' desire, Let me stand next to your fire...
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RusselDo you think it's wise to sell a show we don't own?
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CassandraI gotta go. The club owner's trying to dick me out of some money.
Wayne CampbellYou guys kick ass. You're double live gonzo! Intensity in 10 cities. Live at Budokan. You know, if you got a break, you could really make it.
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Garth AlgarLook at this place. This is a fully functional babe lair. Chicks are helpless against its powers.
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Alice Cooper[singing]Well, I ain't evil, I'm just good lookin', Start a little fire, And baby start cookin', I'm a hungry man, But I don't want pizza, I'll blow down your house, And then I'm gonna eat ya!
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Alice CooperI think one of its most interesting aspects of Milwaukee is the fact that it's the only major American city to have ever elected three Socialist mayors.
Wayne CampbellDoes this guy know how to party or what? Huh? Huh?
Cassandra[singing]Well I wanna tell you about me, I ask you to stay, still you leave, Well I may look lonely and blue, But I've been here waiting for you, And I want an answer or two...
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Garth AlgarWhat am I, some sort of chimp? "With you, as always, is Garth?" Jim to your Marlin Perkins?