Bad Moms 2016 - Movie Quotes

Dr. Karl Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.

Amy So what do you think we should do?

Dr. Karl Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uh, as a human being with two fucking eyes in my head, yeah I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit.

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Dylan Hey so, where's my science project?

Amy Oh, I didn't do it.

Dylan What? But it's due today!

Amy Yeah. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.

Dylan I am a slow learner, remember?

Amy You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what 'entitled' means?

Dylan No. Because I'm a slow learner.

Amy It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework?

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Gwendolyn I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law just joined ISIS and he's a Jew.

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Carla First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

Kiki True that!

Carla You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.

Amy Most moms do that, Carla.

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Kiki Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?

Carla Carla, Amy: No.

Carla You're batshit crazy.

Amy Yeah.

Carla And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

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Kiki Kent is a never-hard.

Amy Ooh, what's a never-hard?

Kiki Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.

Carla That sounds horrible!

Amy Yeah...

Kiki Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.

Carla Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

Kiki I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

Amy Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

Kiki Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there!

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Kiki Do you go to all of his games?

Carla No. No, I don't. The last game I went to was six hours long and the final score was one to two. So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan than another kids' baseball game.

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Amy This party is raging.

Kiki What a turnout.

Martha Stewart Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?

Amy Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.

Kiki Thank you. Oh, my God.

Martha Stewart Good, right?

Carla I'm cumming.

Kiki Oh, my God. What's in this?

Martha Stewart Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.

Kiki They're delicious!

Martha Stewart I start my day with six of these.

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Carla [to Kiki] Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to.

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Principal Burr I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker. Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.

Amy That's impossible; she's only twelve!

Principal Burr It happens. Snoop's been smoking since he was five.

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Amy [after catching Mike with his pants down in front of the PC] Oh, my God, are you...?

Mike No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.

Amy You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.

Mike Why won't this fucking window close?

Amy [Sees Sharon naked on the screen] Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

Sharon Uh, who the hell are you?

Amy I'm his wife.

Sharon Oh, shit.

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Stacy You know what, I think I'd let him put it in my butt. I'm not really into the butt thing but I would let him go to town back there.

Vicky I'm with you.

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Carla Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.

Jaxon Gross!

Carla Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.

Jaxon For real?

Carla I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.

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[Carla explained uncut cock to Amy using Kiki's sweatshirt as model]

Kiki I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.

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