I Love You, Man Movie Quotes
Sydney Fife
You get home safe, Pistol.
Peter Klaven
You got it, Joben.
Sydney Fife
I'm sorry, what?
Peter Klaven
Er... nothing.
Sydney Fife
No, what did you say?
Peter Klaven
Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.
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Peter Klaven
Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!
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Peter Klaven
Totally... Totes McGotes.
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Peter Klaven
I love you, man.
Sydney Fife
I love you, too, bud.
Peter Klaven
I love you, dude.
Sydney Fife
I love you, Bro Montana.
Peter Klaven
I love you, holmes.
Sydney Fife
I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Peter Klaven
I love you, muchacha.
Sydney Fife
I love you, Tycho Brohe.
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Doug
I just wish I could take back that kiss...
Sydney Fife
Woah!
[Looks at Peter]
Doug
...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven
It wasn't the taste of betrayal!
Doug
It was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven
It wasn't the ta...
Doug
It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!
[Storms off]
Sydney Fife
I would love to hear that!
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Sydney Fife
Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.
Peter Klaven
Blaaah!
Sydney Fife
Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.
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Peter Klaven
Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?
Mel Stein
...I'm 89 years old what the fuck kind of plans would I have?
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Peter Klaven
Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.
Sydney Fife
That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?
Peter Klaven
No, I'll be there. I'll be there.
Peter Klaven
Alright. Laters on the menjay.
[Hangs up]
Peter Klaven
What did I just say?
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Peter Klaven
Are you telling me that Robbie is your best friend?
Oswald Klaven
Yes, and Hank Marducas.
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Peter Klaven
Laters on the menjay.
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Peter Klaven
So what do i do? How do i make friends?
Robbie Klaven
If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.
Peter Klaven
Ok.
Robbie Klaven
You know what i mean?
Peter Klaven
No.
Robbie Klaven
Casual lunch or after work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.
Peter Klaven
Ohhhh god i love that movie. No I wont.
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Open House Couple
[after trying to discreetly fart at an open house]
I like it, but I'm not sure about the space... I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.
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Peter Klaven
She was very nice looking.
Sydney Fife
Yeah, I fucked her.
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Peter Klaven
Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?
Sydney Fife
You mean "Chocolate"?
Peter Klaven
Chocolat.
Sydney Fife
Chocolate with Johnny Depp.
Peter Klaven
Chocolat.
Sydney Fife
You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".
Peter Klaven
Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.
Sydney Fife
That was your favorite night?
Peter Klaven
Yes.
Sydney Fife
Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Peter Klaven
With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!
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Peter Klaven
I gotta get some fucking friends.
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Peter Klaven
I think we should spend some time apart.
Sydney Fife
Okay.
Peter Klaven
So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.
Sydney Fife
Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.
Peter Klaven
And if you could have those billboards taken down...
Sydney Fife
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.
Peter Klaven
Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVDs. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet. It's no...
[Throws DVD box]
Peter Klaven
Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.
Sydney Fife
Yep.
Peter Klaven
You too, Sydney.
Anwar Sadat
[Snarls]
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Doug
Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me.
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Peter Klaven
I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife
Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven
He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife
Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven
He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife
He sure did.
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Peter Klaven
Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.
Sydney Fife
You make a valid point.
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[vomits on Barry's face]
Peter Klaven
I'm sorry.
Barry
Get out of my house.
Peter Klaven
I'm so sorry.
Barry
Just get out of my fucking house.
Peter Klaven
I'm so...
Barry
This is not cool, get the fuck out!
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Sydney Fife
Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah?
[winks]
Sydney Fife
Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.
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Peter Klaven
Rush! I love Rush!
Sydney Fife
Dude! Rush is greatest rock band of all time!
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Denise
[Describing Barry]
He's 40 pounds overweight, has a Jew-fro and a small penis. I'm the best thing he's ever going to have and I'm only a seven.
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Peter Klaven
Why is it weird that I have girl friends?
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Sydney Fife
This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake.
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Denise
Oh my God... Peter's got a boyfriend!
Hailey
And I don't.
Denise
Oh God, why does everything have to be about you?
Hailey
Because I'm single.
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Sydney Fife
I still wanna hang out. Despite that joke. You're better than that.
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[repeated line]
Sydney Fife
Oh, that was my mother's name...
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Peter Klaven
So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.
Sydney Fife
Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.
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Sydney Fife
[referring to the condoms at his jerk-off station]
I always get this reaction, but the truth is they decrease sensitivity so I can last longer.
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Sydney Fife
That open house was understated, it was classy, elegant. I've been to a million of those things, and nobody, *nobody* put out Rosemary Flatbread Paninis. Hold on, my dog needs to shit...
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Sydney Fife
Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?
Peter Klaven
What's wrong with that?
Sydney Fife
Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!
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Peter Klaven
It is, right?
Sydney Fife
Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.
Peter Klaven
He's the best, he's the best.
Sydney Fife
From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.
Peter Klaven
Depp wins you over.
Sydney Fife
I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.
Peter Klaven
You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.
Sydney Fife
You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.
Peter Klaven
You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.
Sydney Fife
Brasco, my God.
Peter Klaven
I like Ed Wood, too.
Sydney Fife
That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.
[Zooey yawns]
Peter Klaven
So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.
Sydney Fife
Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.
Peter Klaven
Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.
Sydney Fife
Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?
Peter Klaven
No, that's Stanley Tucci.
Sydney Fife
He's great. He's an actor's actor.
[Barry sneaks out to take a call]
Peter Klaven
Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.
Sydney Fife
Yeah.
Peter Klaven
Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.
Sydney Fife
Same old Pete.
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Peter Klaven
I just don't see how having somebody piss on my face is going to help me sell Lou Ferrigno's house.
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Sydney Fife
Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.
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Sydney Fife
This is my nightmare!
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Sydney Fife
Peter, I am a man. I have an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins.
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Peter Klaven
Do you need a plastic bag, or...
Sydney Fife
Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.
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Peter Klaven
I will see you there, or I will see you on another time!
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[first lines]
Peter Klaven
So, my plan is to create this cluster of live/work lofts all along the perimeter here. And - come here - also I'm planning this neighborhoody, kind of dining and retail area in the central square. You know I even had this thought that you, Denise, and Haley could open up a second location for your store...
Zooey
Really? Because Denise keeps talking about wanting to open up another branch.
Peter Klaven
Well it would be great. I I look, the land is a little pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away. But once I sell the Ferrigno Estate I figured out I could at least put a down payment on it, and still have enough money left over for the reception in Santa Barbara...
Zooey
What are you talking about, what reception?
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Peter Klaven
Hey, Sydney! I could be in Venice by five. I could do that.
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Sydney Fife
My fuckin' ass!
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Peter Klaven
Hey Tevin.
Tevin Downey
Hey man.
Peter Klaven
What's so funny?
Tevin Downey
One of the guys in my fantasy football league just sent me a QuickTime, it's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.
Peter Klaven
Ha ha, what's that?
Tevin Downey
It's one of those vibrating saddles that women sit on to give them like super intense orgasms.
Peter Klaven
Ohh...
Tevin Downey
Check it out. How sick is that?
Peter Klaven
It's very, that's very sick.
Tevin Downey
So awesome. She's a squirter! She's squirting! Peter, we got a squirter! Old faithful!
Peter Klaven
Hello fiance.
Zooey
Hey baby I totally forgot it's my turn to host lady's night.
Peter Klaven
Oh no prob, I have a fencing practice anyway. I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward, hit them with the big news
Zooey
Great! I gotta go, love you.
Peter Klaven
Love you too.
Tevin Downey
Peter! Peter! I'm sending it to you.
Peter Klaven
No I don't want it.
Tevin Downey
You got it.
Peter Klaven
Ohh God. I don't even click it, how does it, I didn't click it on
Tevin Downey
She got a bush like a porcupine!
Peter Klaven
I don't want to know anything about her bush. Hi, Lynette.
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Peter Klaven
Why does everything I do sound like a leprechaun?
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Joyce Klaven
Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey
You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter Klaven
Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven
Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter Klaven
Oh come on!
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