The Cannonball Run Movie Quotes
J.J. McClure
Listen to what I'm telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the... Go where the doctors hang out.
Victor Prinsi
Where is that?
J.J. McClure
Bars, golf courses.
Victor Prinsi
Golf course, bar. All right. Where else? Hospital!
J.J. McClure
Try that, too.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing
I'm Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies. A graduate of the University of Rangoon and assorted night classes at the Knoxville, Tennessee School of Faith Healing.
J.J. McClure
You may be a little overqualified for this job.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jackie Chan, Subaru Driver
[the duo is driving at night with the headlights off, to avoid detection]
This infrared is the cat's ass!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!
The Greek
You'll need him!
Jamie Blake
*God* is our copilot?
Fenderbaum
Uh huh.
Jamie Blake
Remember our car?
Fenderbaum
Uh huh.
Jamie Blake
Two seats?
Fenderbaum
Two seats.
Jamie Blake
Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
Jamie Blake
Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.
Victor Prinsi
Oh, thank you.
J.J. McClure
But don't you ever tell me where you found him. Ever.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jamie Blake
I just want to thank you for informin' them about us back in Missouri. You know, how we're flashers and sex maniacs.
J.J. McClure
Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.
Fenderbaum
Chocolate monk?
Jamie Blake
He can say that. Yeah, he can say that 'cause he's ridin' around with the Goodyear Blimp!
J.J. McClure
[Looking at Vic]
He can say that. He can say that 'cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove 'em up your nose.
Jamie Blake
These rosary beads? Up this nose?
J.J. McClure
Yeah.
Jamie Blake
Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.
Fenderbaum
Ha! Lots of em!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
What about a black Trans-Am? No, that's been done.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
Why'd he call me "Shorty"?
Jamie Blake
'Cause you're small. Small. S - M - all.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
Look, we can't have a car with numbers on it. So, we're going to have to disguise the car somehow.
Victor Prinsi
Alright.
J.J. McClure
How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?
Victor Prinsi
Nah!
J.J. McClure
Nah. I know! A bloodmobile! They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?
Victor Prinsi
Nah!
J.J. McClure
Nah.
Victor Prinsi
An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[J.J. and Victor are pulled over by two priests in a red Ferrari]
Victor Prinsi
Nice car, Father!
Jamie Blake
Thank you, asshole.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Batman
Mad Dog, you ARE going to take the shortcut to the Interstate, aren't you?
Mad Dog
We're here to win, ain't we? If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!
Both
ARRR!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
[Fenderbaum and Blake's Ferrari drives alongside J.J.'s ambulance]
Pull over! We want to give you our blessing!
Victor Prinsi
J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.
J.J. McClure
Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?
Victor Prinsi
No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[finding the men's room locked, Van Helsing follows Pamela into the women's room]
Pamela Glover
Wait a minute, you can't come in here.
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing
Madam, not to be indelicate but in my profession; if you've seen one, you've see them all.
Pamela Glover
Oh, okay.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Organizer
Of course, you know certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively! Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding. Although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gas Station Attendant
7-11, how can I help you?
J.J. McClure
Pumps one and two, hit 'em!
Gas Station Attendant
What are you, some kind of nut? You've got one unleaded there and one premium!
J.J. McClure
She goes both ways. The round, orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Sheik
My driving is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!
[thunder crashes]
Sheik's Sister
So you still intend to enter the race with the infidel Americans?
The Sheik
The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!
[thunder crashes]
The Sheik
My dear sister! I swear it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Foyt
Well, how do you all feel, now that you have raped the American highways?
J.J. McClure
Beautiful!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
[noticing Blake acting oddly at bar]
What is it?
Jamie Blake
Look at the chicks! Boy, if we were Methodists, what a shot we could have had of getting laid right here!
[guy at bar overhears and spits his drink out]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mad Dog!
Mad Dog
Hey, J.J!
J.J. McClure
Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.
Mad Dog
I know. The brakes went out.
J.J. McClure
Who do you think you are? The president?
Mad Dog
[imitating Richard Nixon]
Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,
[gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shaky Finch
Come on! 1000 miles on one wheel? We're trying to win a race, not set a record!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[J.J. is pissed that Captain Chaos has disappeared]
J.J. McClure
When you don't want him, he's around! When you want him, he's not around! I'm gonna go get a beer!
Captain Chaos
DA-DA-DUM!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jamie Blake
If we were Methodists we'd have a good shot at gettin' laid
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
You all right, Victor?
Victor Prinsi
Oh, I'm fine, J.J. It only hurts when I point.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cop
[J.J. avoids a roadblock and wrecks the Porsche] What are you, some kind of nut? Who do you think you are?
Victor Prinsi
Da-dum-duuummmm! I am Captain Chaos! And this, this is my faithful companion, Cato. Say hello, Cato!
Victor Prinsi
[cop looks at Victor with disgust] Been a cop long?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Female Cop Pulling Over Lamborghini Babes
[to driver of Lamborghini, referring to her cleavage]
Well, hello there, Hot Pants! Now, you wouldn't happen to have a drivers license tucked down in there, would you?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pamela Glover
Are you one of those volleyballers?
J.J. McClure
Cannonballers. No.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brad drives through the bar on his motorcycle]
Fenderbaum
What in the hell was that?
Jamie Blake
Oh, that must've been the entry of the National Safety Council.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
What's Dr. Gay do?
Victor Prinsi
He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.
J.J. McClure
Why?
Victor Prinsi
He was smoking bananas. He gets very upset when he talks to 'Him'.
J.J. McClure
So do I!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
Isn't that J.J. McClure?
Jamie Blake
He's nothing. Don't worry about him. It's the Blimp next to him! The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back. Thanks to your wonderful cousin, Tessie.
Victor Prinsi
Well, it's not my fault that she didn't fit in the stretcher!
J.J. McClure
She doesn't fit in the AMBULANCE!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[during the brawl with the bikers, Seymour Goldfarb, Jr stands aside with his girlfriend until one of the bikers menacingly approaches them, holding a heavy wrench]
[the girl steps back. Seymour makes karate moves, with the music of James Bond movies playing in the background]
Biker
[frowns]
Who?
[the biker, unimpressed, punches Seymour in the mouth. Seymour groans in pain, covers his mouth, then slumps helplessly to the ground]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
They weren't 'Fathers'!
J.J. McClure
J.J. McClure, Victor Prinsi: They were mothers!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
J.J. McClure
Hey, Victor! Didya get anything to eat?
Victor Prinsi
Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!
[singing and dancing]
Victor Prinsi
"I'm a pepper/You're a pepper/He's a pepper/She's a pepper/Wouldn't ya like to be a pepper, too?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Seymour arrives at the motel in his 1963 Aston Martin DB5 with one of his girlfriends, under his Roger Moore persona]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Good day. I am here to participate in your little jaunt to California.
Female Race Official
Well, of course. If you would sign in here, please.
[Seymour signs under the legendary actor Roger Moore's name]
Boy with Camera
[taking a picture of his little brother] Hold still, Petey! Say "Cheese"!
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
I realize the novelty of a major celebrity entering your little race, but kindly resist the temptation and keep the media coverage to a minimum. Thank you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
California Highway Patrolman
Headquarters, we are still in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.
Dispatcher
Car 42, you've been in pursuit for two hours. Another five minutes and you'll be in Arizona.
California Highway Patrolman
Yeah, and we're going to stay in pursuit until we catch them.
Dispatcher
It didn't take us THAT long to catch Dillinger!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mel
I can't see shit, can you?
Terry
No problem, son, no problem...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Fenderbaum
[a cop stops Blake and Fenderbaum]
[shouts]
Fenderbaum
J.J., you son of a...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Sheik's Assistant
I wonder why that guy parked his truck in the lobby?
The Sheik
Only in America! Get me 12 suites! Better yet, the entire floor!
[Walks off, patting another assistant on the rear]
The Sheik
Ah, too much couscous!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Organizer
You are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered together in one place!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Maybe next year, we'll do this again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Foyt
Terrorists, my dimpled ass! These people make terrorists look like the Sisters of Charity! These guys are Cannonballers!
Pamela Glover
What is that? A bowling team?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Organizer
I'd like to welcome you all to an event that's sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after jumping a moving train]
Mad Dog
Evel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[JJ has "tackled" all the other contestants at the end]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Well, I must say, that's not a very sporting way to win.
Jamie Blake
No, it was a shitty way to win!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mad Dog
[Batman tries to beat up a biker]
Hold it! You'll never last five minutes in a New York Subway!
Mad Dog
[Mad Dog whacks the biker across the knee with a board and then on the back, knocking him down]
Now *that's* the way it's done!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Victor Prinsi
Thank you, Father.
Fenderbaum
Why don't you take that piece of shit back to the junkyard?
[laughs and drives away]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mel
How long before we stop?
Terry
Eight hours!
Mel
Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mad Dog
Hey, you the one running this fleabag?
Desk Clerk
Huh?
Mad Dog
Where the hookers?
Desk Clerk
What?
Mad Dog
Hookers, man! Where the hookers?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bradford Compton
Shakey, it's kinda tough to get close to you. Last time I saw you, you were a bit more svelte.
Shaky Finch
Yeah, well what can I tell you? In the pizza business, when things are slow you tend to eat the inventory.
Bradford Compton
Yeah, but listen, Shakey, that's not good for the Cannonball. You know that! I mean, you don't need a motorcycle, you need the Super Chief!
Shaky Finch
But even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jamie Blake
[sarcastically]
That's a good-looking piece! And cunningly disguised so it won't look like a racing car. You know, the cops would never give that a second glance!
Jill Rivers
220 miles an hour and they aren't gonna get a second glance!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Seymour pulls up to the starting line with his lights off]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Would you mind?
[the official punches his time card and gives it to him]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Thank you.
Organizer
Might be easier with your lights on.
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Why advertise?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bradford Compton
Bradford Compton. Perhaps you've heard of me. I'm on Wall Street.
Chief Biker
We don't ride on Wall Street.
Biker
[cutting off Compton's necktie]
Yeah, we don't ride on Wall Street!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pamela Glover
I can't believe this is happening to me. This is not a joke any more. I'm being kidnapped.
J.J. McClure
Well, you can call it kidnapping if you want to be rude.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Greek
Jamie Blake! Yeah, you used to drive that Formula One. When high-buttoned shoes were in style!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brock Yates, the organizer of the Cannonball Run, addresses the huge crowd of racers outside the starting line]
Organizer
Okay, I'd like to welcome you all to an event that sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
[crowd chuckles]
Organizer
You all are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered in one place, and we gonna have a lot of fun. Of course, you know certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite highway patrolmen are out waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively. Think of the fact that there is not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding, although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
[crowd laughs as Brock shows a time card]
Organizer
Everybody is gonna get a card like this. When you leave, you're gonna punch out here, at this time clock. 3,000 miles roughly away from here is another time clock just like that at the Portofino Inn. And the difference between the two times is your time across the country. The record stands at 32 hours and 51 minutes, and, believe it or not, those guys did break the 55 mile-an-hour speed limit.
[crowd and racers cheering]
Organizer
Okay, let's get that first car up here, and we're gonna get this thing underway!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
A. F. Foyt
[blocked from phone booth]
Madam! Madam!
Phone Booth Lady
[Angrily]
Madam? I'm no madam! I'm a decent, respectable woman! I don't even own a house! I live in an apartment! Now get off my case, I'm late for a plane!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[At the Portofino Inn, Victor, in his Captain Chaos persona, saves a woman's dog from drowning in the bay and is hailed a hero, but J.J. is furious, as his selfless act cost him and J.J. the championship win]
Victor Prinsi
[as Captain Chaos]
J.J., I saved that woman's dog.
J.J. McClure
[furious]
Victor! We could've won that race! Do ya understand what I'm telling you? We could've won it!
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing
You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.
Pamela Glover
He's right, Victor.
J.J. McClure
We are sick of Captain Chaos. We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up. So you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be anymore Captain Chaos.
[grabs and rips the mask off Victor's head, yells]
J.J. McClure
NO MORE! Ya see what I'm telling you? NO MORE!
[snatches Victor's cape and slams it to the ground]
J.J. McClure
No more Captain Chaos, EVER! Now, what do ya think of that?
[crowd laughs as Victor seemingly feels broken-hearted over J.J.'s act of poor sportsmanship]
Victor Prinsi
I don't care, because...
[changes into a new superhero persona with an American Flag-like mask and cape]
Victor Prinsi
... I've always wanted to be... Captain USA! Da-Da-DUM!
[J.J. and the racers laugh]
Victor Prinsi
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the racers, all neck and neck, are approaching the finish line, with Mad Dog and Batman in the lead]
Mad Dog
We got 'em!
Batman
We got 'em!
[Suddenly, a car gets in the way, forcing Mad Dog & Batman's GMC truck to skid to a 180° stop. Bradford and Shakey's motorcycle slips and skids]
[J.J. and Victor's ambulance and all the other cars come to a screeching halt]
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing
I've got the card!
J.J. McClure
No, gimme that, Doc! Come on, it's a foot race!
[All the racers storm out and begin running to the finish line to see who can be the first to punch out at the time clock and win the race]
Victor Prinsi
Have no fear! Chaos is here! DA-DA-DUM!
Pamela Glover
Come on, Chaos! You can do it!
[as Victor and Marcie sprint, J.J. jumps on the other racers, tackling them to the ground]
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing
Does anyone need medical attention?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jamie Blake
[Nearing the end of the race, the Lamborghini flies past the Ferrari and Fenderbaum stands up to get a better view]
The hell was that?
Fenderbaum
A Lamborghini!
Jamie Blake
She in the race?
Fenderbaum
CATCH IT!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
[At the Goldfarb compound, Seymour greets his mother]
Mother. I trust you've had a pleasant day.
Mom Goldfarb
A nightmare. A living nightmare. You are killing me, Seymour. Killing me a slow death with this idiot spy business.
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Mother, you don't understand.
Mom Goldfarb
Oh, what is there to understand? I'm looking at my son, Seymour Goldfarb, Jr, son of Seymour Goldfarb, God rest his soul, and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles fortune. And what is he doing? Walking around, acting like he was some goy movie star named Roger Moore. And for this I sent you to the best schools? For this I'm spending eight thousand on orthodonture work? For this I'm going broke paying that Beverly Hills analyst? And now, ha ha...
[lifts the napkin, revealing Seymour's Walther PPK pistol]
Mom Goldfarb
... this. The sleep-in maid found it under your pillow this morning. What is the meaning of this?
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
[icily, as he grabs the gun]
The meaning, Mother, dear, is a quick death. I've warned you not to interfere in my affairs.
Mom Goldfarb
[unconvinced, pushes the gun away]
Seymour, put that thing away. It's liable to go off.
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
I'm terribly sorry, Mother, but you know too much. You see, in my business, even the deepest family relationships aren't worth a farthing.
Mom Goldfarb
[still unconvinced]
Farthing, smarthing.
[Seymour pulls the slide back, cocking the pistol, then holds his mother at gunpoint]
Mom Goldfarb
[shocked]
No!
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
Zie gezundt, mama.
[Seymour pulls the trigger, only to shoot out a flag that says "Bang!", thus revealing the gun to be fake, to his amusement, then laughs]
Mom Goldfarb
[frustrated]
Oy! Where did I go wrong?
Seymour Goldfarb Jr
You know something, Mama? You're too Jewish.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pamela
You know what I like best about trees?
A. F. Foyt
No, what?
Pamela
That you can lie under them on a moonlit night with the breeze blowing and ball your brains out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pamela
Almost everything I wear is pink.
Victor Prinzim
Everything? Even...
[looks down toward groin]
Pamela
Oh, I don't wear any.
Victor Prinzim
You don't?
Pamela
Uh-uh.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
