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Kinoafisha Films The Stepford Wives The Stepford Wives Movie Quotes

The Stepford Wives Movie Quotes

Claire Wellington I asked myself, "Where would people never notice a town full of robots?"

[gasps]

Claire Wellington Connecticut.

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Walter Kresby First of all we are in the country now, so no more black.

Joanna Eberhart No more black? Are you insane?

Walter Kresby You heard me. Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career bitches wear black. Is that what you want to be?

Joanna Eberhart Ever since I was a little girl.

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Walter Kresby You're even better at sex, don't deny it.

Joanna Eberhard I wasn't going to.

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Stepford Wife I'm going to use a pinecone as the baby Jesus this year.

Bobbi Markowitz And I'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator and have a really merry Christmas!

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Walter Kresby She's not a robot. She never was. I couldn't do it.

Mike Wellington Why not?

Walter Kresby Because she's not a science project. Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack.

Mike Wellington That's a shame.

Joanna Eberhart No. That's a man.

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Bobbie Markowitz Add it up. All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange?

Joanna Eberhart Not to me.

Bobbie Markowitz Why not?

Joanna Eberhart I work in television.

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Claire Wellington I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer. I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel. I was driven. Exhausted. Until late one night, I came home to find...

[stunned]

Claire Wellington Mike... with Patricia. My brilliant... blond... 21-year-old research assistant. It was all so...

[in a deep manly voice]

Claire Wellington ... ugly.

[Continues in a disconnectedly happy voice]

Claire Wellington Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table at their lifeless bodies, I thought... "What have I done?" But more importantly... what could I do to make the world more beautiful?

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Joanna Eberhart Hey, aren't you Bobbi Markowitz? I love your books. What was the name of that book, the one about your mother?

Bobbi Markowitz "I Love You, But Please Die."

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Joanna Eberhard If you're in Manhattan, what do you do if you find out you're neighbour is sick?

Roger Bannister Call her...

Bobbi Markowitz -To see if she is going to die...

Roger Bannister -So we could rent the apartment.

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Roger Bannister She's drunk

Bobbie Markowitz She's blonde.

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Mike Wellington My real name isn't Mike, it's just a nickname from where I used to work.

Joanna Eberhard Where?

Mike Wellington Microsoft.

Ted Van Sant NASA.

Vic Stevens Disney.

Stan Peters AOL.

Joanna Eberhard Is that why the women are so slow?

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Bobbi Markowitz My psychiatrist says I need creative chaos.

Roger Bannister My shrink says I need boundaries.

Joanna Eberhart My doctor says I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.

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Bobbi Markowitz [Discussing how to include Jewish Bobbie in Stepford's Christmas] Or maybe I could just use hundreds of Pine Cones to spell out the words 'Big Jew' in letters 15 feet tall, on the snow in my front yard?

Claire Wellington ...That's a wonderful idea!

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Bobbi Markowitz I got you Mace Windu and Amidala.

Max Markowitz And Boba Fett?

Bobbi Markowitz They were all sold out.

Max Markowitz Aw, Mom.

[grumbles]

Bobbi Markowitz Here's five hundred dollars.

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Roger Bannister [Excited] Jerry... Jerry, its a bakesale! An actual bakesale! It's like some heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian in the Hall of Homemakers.

Roger Bannister Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That is not cobbler!

Jerry Harmon Roger... could we - could we reel it in a couple hundred yards?

Roger Bannister [to the Stepford Wives at bakesale] How do you ladies keep your figures? Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?... But worth it?

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[the Stepford Wives have been "de-Stepfordized"]

Joanna Eberhard Mike, Mike, what happened? I was in the garden and I was dreaming about your... your smile and your aftershave and then I realized...

[In a sinister voice]

Joanna Eberhard I could do *better*!

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Roger Bannister Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew in the mystery of the mid-life crisis.

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Claire Wellington [at the Stepford Bookclub, Claire is discussing a book on Christmas] Now Bobbi. We all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable with this weeks book because...

[Frowns]

Claire Wellington what's the word I'm looking for

Additional Stepford Wife New?

Sarah Sunderson Scared?

Roger Bannister Cranky?

Claire Wellington [remembering] Jewish.

Bobbi Markowitz [smiling] Same thing.

Claire Wellington [to all] But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive. In fact there is a whole chapter,

[to Bobbi]

Claire Wellington about Chanukah

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Claire Wellington Today, we are going to discuss - well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring: The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles!

[wives and Roger squeal and applaud with delight]

Claire Wellington This book said to me, 'Let's celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ... with yarn.'

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Charmaine Van Sant Nice khakis, Walter...

Walter Kresby Thanks, I was experimenting...

Charmaine Van Sant Now I know why they call it *Banana* Republic.

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Joanna Eberhart How do I look?

Bobbi Markowitz Can I be perfectly honest?

Joanna Eberhart Mm-hmmm.

Bobbi Markowitz You kind of look like Betty Crocker.

Joanna Eberhart I know.

Roger Bannister At Betty Ford.

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Claire Wellington Well, aren't you a bug's ear.

Kimberly Kresby Bugs don't have ears.

Claire Wellington Why, aren't you sassy? And a little sad.

[seeing Joanna in the car]

Claire Wellington And this must be Joanna.

[whispering to Walter]

Claire Wellington Electroshock?

Walter Kresby Yes, but she's doing much better.

Claire Wellington Hello, little energizer.

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Claire Wellington I'm the only decent person left

Joanna Eberhart In Stepford?

Claire Wellington In the world!

Roger Bannister [gasps] She's fabulous!

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[after he's de-Stepfordized]

Roger Bannister What am I wearing?

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[last lines]

Dave Markowitz Hey, you guys. Which aisle is quilted paper towels? If I don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me.

Supermarket Announcer No talking, keep shopping.

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Joanna Eberhart Bobbie! Bobbie... this isn't you...

Bobbie Markowitz That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life.

Joanna Eberhart Yes, your new book!

Bobbie Markowitz [starts advancing on Joanna] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me.

Joanna Eberhart You stay away from me!

Bobbie Markowitz You are driven.

Joanna Eberhart Well, sometimes...

Bobbie Markowitz And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you.

Joanna Eberhart [notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn] What... have... they... done... to... you?

Bobbie Markowitz Let's get busy!

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Joanna Eberhard Excuse me, is this man bothering you?

Bobbi Markowitz Yes. He's my husband.

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Refrigerator We need juice. We need juice. We need juice.

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Joanna Eberhart We're trespassing!

Bobbie Markowitz Only if we get caught.

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[first lines]

Helen Devlin Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a legend in our industry. She's the most successful president in the history of our network and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings.

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Dave Markowitz Cup cakes anyone?

Dave Markowitz Cup cakes! Hey, right on time. Jo these are smokin'.

[to Bobbie]

Dave Markowitz Why can't you make stuff like this?

Bobbie Markowitz Why don't you?

Dave Markowitz Because I have a penis.

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Joanna Eberhard But, she had sparks coming out of her ears.

Roger Bannister That's the first sign.

Joanna Eberhard Of what?

Roger Bannister Cheap jewelery.

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Walter Kresby So that's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following.

Joanna Eberhart Ok. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.

Walter Kresby And I'm sure he still is.

Joanna Eberhart No. Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.

Walter Kresby Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype.

Joanna Eberhart Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. This place does something to people. All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, and all of the men are always happy.

Walter Kresby And that's a problem because?

Joanna Eberhart Because it's not normal, Walter. It's... It's not our world. It's not us. And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, and we're getting out of here. With or without you.

[she goes to the front door but it is locked, she is extremely frusrated]

Walter Kresby You'll never change will you? Not really.

Joanna Eberhart [deadpan] Open the door.

Walter Kresby [he disables the security system, Joanna is leaving when...] And you're right.

Joanna Eberhart [she turns to him] About what?

Walter Kresby If you're that unhappy, then we should move. Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow.

Joanna Eberhart [she sighs and hugs Walter] Thank you. Thank you.

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