Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Movie Quotes
Perry
My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry
A picture of me?
Perry
No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.
Harry
Okay, any particular kind of gloves?
Harry
Perry?
Perry
Yeah?
Harry
I peed on it.
Perry
What? You peed on what?
Harry
I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, I.D. from that?
Perry
I'm sorry, you peed on...?
Harry
On the corpse. My question is...
Perry
No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?
Harry
I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.
Harry
Bad.
Perry
Excuse me?
Harry
Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...
Perry
What, fuckhead? Who taught you grammar? Badly's an adverb. Get out. Vanish.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?"
[Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette]
Harry
Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that.
[Spins the chamber and points the gun]
Harry
Where is the girl?
[Shoots the guy in the head]
Perry
You put a live round in that gun?
Harry
Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.
Perry
Eight? Who taught you math!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Do you think I'm stupid?
Perry
I don't think you'd know where to put food at, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
[to the audience]
Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
How about you, Harry, did your father love you?
Harry
Ah, sometimes, like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?
Perry
Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
What is it out here with these women?
Harmony
Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.
Harry
Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular...
Harry
[putting a cigarette in his mouth]
... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I *bet* you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.
Harmony
Denmark.
Harry
[closing his cigarette lighter]
That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here!
Harry
[continuing]
I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and *shook* it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
Harmony
OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!
[all the girls in the club raise their hands]
Perry
See that? Obedient little bitches too.
[girl screams "Fuck you!" and throws a glass, which he dodges]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony
Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.
Harry
Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending so the guy shows up, he's magically alive on crutches, I hate that. I mean shit, why not bring them all back?
[Everyone who has been killed in the movie starts meandering into the hospital room, including Abraham Lincoln; a nurse shoos them all out again.]
Harry
But the point is in this case, this time, it really happened. Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing, but what do you want me to do, lie about it?
[even fat Elvis walks into the room for a couple of seconds, before being shooed out.]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[seeing Perry expose the gun from his crotch after shooting their captor]
Thank god you had a gun in there; for a second I thought it was like a gay thing, like, somehow you guys could do that
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Is she dead?
Perry
No, she's just resting her eyes for a minute. Of course she's fucking dead, her neck's broken.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
She had something, that gal tonight, this quality. You know, like the girl from high school, the one that got away that - you know what I mean? - that haunts you still.
Perry
Yeah, I had that.
Harry
You did?
Perry
Bobby Mills.
Harry
Eugh. Hunh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch with him. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.
Perry
Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says pass the pepper. I got two quarters sing harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont".
Harry
What?
Harry
Talking money.
Harry
A talking monkey?
Perry
A talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "ficus".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?
Harmony
Bad.
Harry
Bad? Sorry... feel...?
Harmony
You feel bad.
Harry
Bad?
Harmony
Badly is an adverb. So to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony
[naked in bed]
You can sleep here if you want but it would only be sleeping, Harry... if thats gonna frustrate you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Look, you want to see something cool?
[Harry pulls out a copy of a Gossamer book with a hole in it]
Harmony
Oh cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry.
[Harmony pokes her finger through the hole in the book. Harry taps his bullet wound]
Harry
No, not really.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Harry catches Agent Type feeling up Harmony, who's passed out]
Harry
You know what? You'd better be her doctor.
[Agent Type looks up, busted]
Harry
Walk away, don't think, just do it.
Agent Type
What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will fuck you up.
Harry
[coolly]
No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the *fuck* away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.
[Cut immediately to Harry on the ground, getting savagely beaten by the Agent Type]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?
Perry
Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.
Harry
Because...
Perry
Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony
You think I'm amazing. You do. Cause that's who I told you I'd be. That was the game plan.
Harry
Yeah, well, you know what, it worked.
Harmony
You know what? No one else thinks so.
Harry
What, my opinion doesn't count?
Harmony
Actually, no it doesn't. Cause you're new here. If you just look around, there's younger and there's better.
Harry
I don't want younger and better, I want you!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Is she a looker?
Perry
She opens the door, and she got nothing on but the radio. Yeah, invites me to sit down, sits on my lap, fires up a spliff.
Harry
Geez. Really?
Perry
No. Idiot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
I want you to picture a bullet in your head. Can you do that for me?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony's Dad
Do I know you?
Perry
No. Just in town for the funeral.
Harmony's Dad
What do you want?
Perry
Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.
Harmony's Dad
Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!
Perry
No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
Harmony's Dad
Who are you? I loved my girl.
[Perry backhands him]
Harmony's Dad
You fucker! If I could get out of this bed...
Perry
Yeah? Well, you can't.
[Perry backhands him again]
Harmony's Dad
You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.
Perry
Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[narrating]
Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or, maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another Goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Don't blame yourself. Listen. sometimes these things just happen.
Harry
For a reason. For a reason? Why? Because I fall off a building, 10 people in Baltimore survive a bus crash? Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.
Perry
I've been to Baltimore. You win.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[voiceover]
I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Okay, you've got 30 of my fucking seconds. Thrill me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[after overpowering and pistol-whipping a guy who'd had a gun on him and Perry]
Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason. I don't even know why.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
By the way, this thing?
[Imitates Perry's nose-touching gesture]
Harry
Single gayest thing you've ever done.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[narrating]
I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dreamgirls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a *fucking conniption*. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B-Movie Actress
So what do you do for a living?
Harry
Uh, I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid. How about you do?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harlan Dexter
Captain fucking Magic!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Frying Pan
Well now, here we all are. Ike, Mike and Mustard.
Harry
What the hell does that mean?
Mr. Fire
You know, I'm with him on this one man, that's pretty fuckin' obscure.
Mr. Frying Pan
Horseshit, I hear that all the time.
Mr. Fire
You do?
Mr. Frying Pan
Yeah, sure.
Mr. Fire
Where, at the 1942 club?
Mr. Frying Pan
Hey, just cause you didn't get in...
Mr. Fire
Motherfucker I could've gotten in...
[Harry tries to make a break for it]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
What are you doing?
Harry
I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave people with a message.
Perry
Oh, I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.
Harry
Sorry.
[Harry moves his feet]
Harry
I work for Perry now, obviously.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Rule number one: this business, real life, it's boring. Do you have to smoke?
Harry
You want me to put it out?
Perry
Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony
God, Harry. Shit, if I leave you the keys, can you take yourself to the hospital?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony Age 7
Harold, use your awesome might to save me from this hopeless plight.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
You, stop multiplying.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
How about you, Harry, did your father love you?
Harry
Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?
Perry
Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
I'd understand if you wanted to take a swing at me...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
You remember the one I said that got away, yeah well that one was her. It all came flooding back how I was the one she confided in, the one she trusted, meanwhile she was doing every other guy in school. It was the first time I felt it, how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head... overwhelming sadness while having a rodney. Is that sick? Hm yeah, I think that's sick...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Hey, hey, hey! It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?
Perry
Your fucking present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Watch your hand.
[Harry slams the door in Harmony's face]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Do not play detective. This is not a book. This is not a movie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony
Oh, God. No more lies, Harry, no more. Are you a detective? Huh? Are you a detective, Harry?
Harry
Who told you that?
Harmony
Flicka, Flicka. You know? My friend Flicka, she told me. If you are, then I really need your help.
Harry
Well...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bear on TV Ad
I'm for Genaro's, but then, what do I know? I'm a bear. I suck the heads off of fish.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[shortly after Mr. Frying Pan makes an obscure "Ike, Mike, and Mustard" reference]
Mr. Frying Pan
You wanna know who we are? I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here, he's...
Mr. Fire
Mustard. I'm Mustard, baby.
Mr. Frying Pan
He's the fire. Fuck you, Mr. Mustard.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
This is every shade of wrong.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
[to himself]
And yeah, looking back, I maybe should've said something, told her I wasn't really a nipple - DETECTIVE, detective. Uhm, sorry...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harmony Age 7
I'm going to be an actress.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
Do you have to smoke?
Harry
Do you want me to put it out, when we get near the...?
Perry
Yeah, as soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs. Just throw it in there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Woman in Hospital Blues
I don't like him; Kurt Cobain. He stole my cricket.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry
Its hard to believe it was just last Christmas that Harmony and I changed the world. And we didn't mean to and it didn't last long. You know a thing like that can't.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
You think that's funny huh? I'm going to break your nose now.
[nonchalantly pistol whips the guy in the nose]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perry
I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?
Dexter Clinic Guard
Screw you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.
Perry
Ambiguous? No, I don't think so.
Harry
No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head", okay, is that the bullet will BE inside your head? Or picture it IN your head?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pink Hair Girl
Uhh...
[she dies]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry Lockhart
[narrating]
Guy smoking that's Dabney Shaw my producer. He discovered me. The man with him is Perry van Shrike, a.k.a. Gay Perry. Honest-to-God private eye consulting film, tv, just incorporated. He's big time. Also he's gay.
Dabney Shaw
Don't start Perry, huh? I've seen you play ball and I know you're tough. It's just that you see a naked guy, and your brain says, "I want that". I don't make that leap. It's like, "Oh, look, there's an elephant! Quick, let's drain its blood to paint my boathouse". It's just that that's not the first thing you'd think of.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
