The Emperor's New Groove 2000 - Movie Quotes

Yzma So, is everything ready for tonight?

Kronk Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.

Yzma Not the dinner. You know...

Kronk Oh, right. The poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?

Yzma Yes! That poison.

Kronk Got you covered.

Yzma Excellent. A few drops in his drink, and then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.

Kronk Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.

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[plotting ways to kill Kuzco]

Yzma Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...

[laughs]

Yzma ...I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!

[knocks over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies]

Yzma Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!

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[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river]

Pacha Uh-oh.

Kuzco Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha Yep.

Kuzco Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha Most likely.

Kuzco Bring it on.

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Waitress Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?

Kronk Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.

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Kuzco Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?

Yzma Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.

Kronk Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.

Yzma I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.

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[the palace guards have been transformed into animals]

Yzma Get them!

Cow Guard Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?

Yzma You're excused. Anybody else?

Other Guards No, no. We're good.

Yzma THEN GET THEM!

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Kuzco This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.

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[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]

Yzma Make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk Check. Pickup!

Kuzco You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.

Kronk Meat pie. Check.

Yzma Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk I'll have to charge you full price.

Yzma [annoyed] Ooh.

Kuzco Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?

Kronk You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Yzma Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk Cheddar spuds coming up.

Kuzco Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk Hold the cheese.

Yzma No, I want the cheese.

Kronk Cheese it is.

Kuzco Cheese me no "likee."

Kronk Cheese out.

Yzma Cheese in!

Kronk Ah, come on. Make up your mind!

Kuzco Okay, okay, on second thought...

Yzma Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.

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[after falling into the alligator pit]

Yzma Why do we even *have* that lever?

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[while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions]

Kuzco Yay. I'm a llama again!

[beat]

Kuzco Wait...

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Yzma Pull the lever, Kronk!

[Kronk pulls a lever, and Yzma falls into a pit]

Yzma [as she is falling] Wrong lever!

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[after falling into the alligator pit]

Kuzco Okay, why does she even *have* that lever?

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Yzma It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has... what was it again?

Peasant Umm... food?

Yzma Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants!

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[Having accidentally turned Kuzco into a Llama instead of having him assassinated as planned]

Yzma Take him out of town and finish the job now!

Kronk What about dinner?

Yzma Kronk, this is kind of important.

Kronk How about dessert?

Yzma Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

Kronk And coffee?

Yzma All right. A quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!

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[Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil debate saving Kuzco]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one. Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Oh, right. That's a harp, and that's a dress.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel Robe!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Reason number two. Look what I can do. Ha-ha, ha!

[does one-armed handstand]

Kronk But what does that have to do with anything?

Kronk's Shoulder Angel No, no. He's got a point.

Kronk Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, uh, begone... or, uh, y'know, however I get rid of you guys.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk's Shoulder Angel: That'll work.

[Angel and devil disappear]

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Yzma Looking for this?

Yzma [holds up the vial of human extract]

[Kuzco and Pacha gasp]

Kuzco No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?

Yzma Uh...

[pauses]

Yzma ...how *did* we, Kronk?

Kronk Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.

[Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]

Yzma Oh, well. Back to business.

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Yzma Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to a monkey.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel Whoa now!

Yzma A really, really big stupid monkey named Kronk!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Ouch.

Yzma And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs!

[Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all simultaneously gasp]

Yzma Never!

[Kronk begins to cry]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil That's it.

[cocks pitchfork like a gun]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil She's goin' down.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.

[they look up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic music plays]

Kronk's Shoulder Angel Kronk's Shoulder Angel, Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk: That'll work.

[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, but it falls around Yzma, instead of on her]

Kronk Strange. That usually works.

Yzma And so does *this*!

[pulls lever for trap door]

Kronk Ah. Should've seen that coming. Whoa!

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Kuzco I can't believe this is happening!

Yzma Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.

[Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]

Yzma [revealing a knife strapped to her thigh] Aha!

[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]

Kuzco Oh, okay.

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[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]

Kronk The peasant, at the diner!

[pause]

Kronk He didn't pay his check.

[falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]

Kronk It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco in the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!

[runs into her tent]

Yzma What?

[Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]

Kronk [recoiling] Aah!

Yzma This had better be good!

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Kuzco You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.

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Yzma Kitty [having turned into a cat whilst trying to stop Kuzco from turning back into a human] Looking for this?

[clutching her throat]

Yzma Kitty Is that my voice?

[coughs]

Yzma Kitty Is that *my* voice? Oh, well.

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[last lines]

Kronk My acorn is missing.

Junior Chipmunk Class Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.

Kronk Did you eat the acorn?

Junior Chipmunk Class Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?

Kronk You owe me a new acorn.

Junior Chipmunk Class Squeak squeak squeak, squeak, squeaker...

[one boy nudges Yzma]

Yzma Kitty [sulky] Squeakin'.

Kronk I'm so proud of you guys.

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[Yzma and Kronk are trapped in a dark locked room in Pacha's house]

ChiCha What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.

Yzma There is no handle in here.

ChiCha [holding the door handle] There's not? Are you sure?

Yzma All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.

Kronk Er, don't you mean or?

Yzma [even more angrily] Grr, tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.

Chaca Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction.

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Guard For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline.

Delivery Person You know what, pal, you could have told me that before I set it up.

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Kuzco Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

Yzma Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?

[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]

Kuzco Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.

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Old Man Now you stop being hard on yourself; all is forgiven.

Kuzco You sure?

Old Man Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

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Yzma That's it, Kronk! Break the door down!

Kronk Break it down? Are ya kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.

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Yzma Are you talking to that squirrel?

Kronk I was a junior chipmunk, uh, and I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures.

[to squirrel]

Kronk Please continue.

[squirrel talks to Kronk]

Yzma [walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why...?

Kronk Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.

[Yzma rushes over to them]

Yzma Oh, a talking llama? Do tell.

[squirrel whispers to Kronk]

Kronk Uh, he doesn't really wanna talk to you.

Yzma Well, then *you* ask him.

Kronk [sigh] Hate being in the middle.

Kronk [speaking squirrel] Squeaky, uh, squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.

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Kuzco So, you lied to me.

Pacha I did?

Kuzco Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.

[takes Kuzcotopia]

Kuzco So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.

Pacha Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?

Kuzco No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.

[puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]

Kuzco Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.

[Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]

Pacha You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

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Pacha Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.

Kuzco Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.

Pacha I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.

Kuzco Well, that makes you ugly *and* stupid.

Pacha Let's end this.

Kuzco Ladies first.

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Yzma [after knocking Kuzco out unconscious, having turned into a Llama] A llama? He's supposed to be *dead*.

Kronk Yeah, weird.

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[Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing]

Kuzco D'oh! You threw off my groove!

Guard I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.

[the old man is thrown out of the palace window]

Old Man Sooooorry!

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[after firing Yzma]

Kuzco [sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair?

Kronk Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?

Kuzco Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.

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[Yzma, fired by Kuzco, smashes stone carvings of his head with a mallet]

Yzma Why, I practically raised him.

Kronk Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.

Yzma Yeah, go figure.

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Yzma [about the potion they used on Kuzco] Let me see that vial.

[the Death Label was actually that of a Llama folded up slightly, causing confusion]

Yzma This isn't poison. This is extract of... llama!

Kronk You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.

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[first lines]

Kuzco [Narrating] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.

[cut to Kuzco as an infant]

Kuzco All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby.

[breaks doll and begins to cry, immediately, all nearby servants offer him replacement dolls]

Kuzco Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.

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Yzma That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.

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Kuzco And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.

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Kuzco It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.

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Kuzco Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!

Pacha What? No, I did not.

Kuzco Yes, and then you kidnapped me!

Pacha Why would I kidnap a llama?

Kuzco I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.

Pacha What?

Kuzco You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.

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ChiCha So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?

Yzma Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great aunt. Twice removed.

ChiCha Uh-huh.

Yzma Isn't that right, Kronk?

[Kronk is playing jump rope with Chaca and Tipo]

Chaca Ninety-nine monkeys jumping on the bed.

Kronk One fell off and bumped his head.

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Yzma Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.

Kronk [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?

Yzma [angry] He's still *alive*?

Kronk Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.

Yzma Kronk!

Kronk Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.

Yzma He can't come back!

Kronk Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.

Yzma You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!

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Pacha What happened?

Old Man Well, I threw off the Emperor's groove.

Pacha What?

Old Man His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life. His pattern of behavior. I threw it off. And the Emperor had me thrown out the window.

Pacha Oh, really? I'm supposed to see him today.

Old Man Don't throw off his groove!

Pacha Oh, okay.

Old Man Bewaaare, the grooove.

Pacha Hey, are you gonna be all right?

Old Man Grooove...

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Kuzco [voiceover] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.

Kuzco Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?

Kuzco [voiceover] What? I'm just telling them what happened.

Kuzco Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They *know* what happened.

Kuzco [voiceover] Well, yeah, but... but...

Kuzco Just leave me alone.

[There are no more voiceovers for the remainder of the film]

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Tipo [waking from a dream] Dad, look out!

ChiCha Tipo, what is it?

Tipo I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!

ChiCha It's all right, it's all right.

Tipo It was awful!

ChiCha It's okay, Tipo, calm down, it was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.

Tipo Oh, you mean like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.

ChiCha That's right.

Chaca Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.

Tipo Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Chaca It could!

ChiCha Nuh-uh!

Chaca Yeah-hah!

Tipo Nuh-uh!

Chaca Yeah-haaaaah!

[they keep exchanging "nuh-uh's" and "yeah-hah's" at lightning speed]

ChiCha Good night, you two.

Tipo Tipo, Chaca: Night, Mom!

[resume bickering as ChiCha blows out the candle]

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Yzma [Believing Kuzco is dead, telling the others in the palace] And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince, taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday.

Kronk [sobbing] Poor little guy.

Yzma His legacy will live in our hearts...

Kronk He never had a chance.

Yzma ...for all eternity.

[pause]

Yzma Well, he ain't getting any deader! Back to work.

[the palace guards begin to change the palace theming from Kuzco to Yzma]

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[Pacha and Kuzco diner in disguise as a woman are approached by the Waitress]

Pacha We're on our honeymoon.

Waitress Bless you for coming out in public.

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Kuzko [after throwing a rock at Pacha's head, acting innocent] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't... Somebody's throwin' stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?

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Pacha Emperor Kuzco?

Kuzco Yeah. Who did you think you were talking to?

Pacha Um... How did... uh... you don't... *look* like the emperor.

Kuzco What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?

Pacha Um... do this.

[wiggles fingers]

Kuzco What is this, some little game you country folk like to play?

[sees his hoofed hand, gasps]

Kuzco It can't be! I...

[looks at his reflection in the water]

Kuzco [Gasps] My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!

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Kuzco [about Kronk] Oh, he's doing his own theme music?

[Kronk stops in his tracks, trying to blend in with the wall decorations while imitating the crickets as two people pass by. Of course they notice him, but disregard him anyway. When they leave, the camera pans out to reveal giant wall carvings were pointing straight at Kronk]

Kuzco [Narrating] Big, dumb, *and* tone deaf. I am *so glad* I was unconscious for all of this.

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Kuzco [Repeated Line] Boom, baby!

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Kuzco Oh, yeah. This is the real me.

[cut to llama]

Kuzco Not this.

[back to Kuzco]

Kuzco This...

[back to llama]

Kuzco Not this.

[back to Kuzco]

Kuzco Winner...

[back to llama]

Kuzco Loser!

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Kuzco [walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] Scary jungle. Right.

[in mocking voice]

Kuzco Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?

[a fly buzzes nearby and gets caught in spiderweb]

Bug in jungle Help me! Help me!

[Spider comes and eats the fly off-screen]

Bug in jungle Too late...

Kuzco Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...

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[the drink is poisoned]

Yzma Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!

Kronk Right. Oh...

[winks at Yzma]

Kronk ...riiiiiiggghhht.

[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]

Kuzco Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?

Kronk [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...

[small explosion from each of the cups]

Kronk ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.

Yzma Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!

Kronk [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

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Pacha Where'd you come from, little guy?

Kuzco No... touchy.

Pacha Demon llama!

Kuzco Demon llama? Where?

[Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama]

Misty Maaah.

Kuzco Aaah!

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Pacha [after Kuzco quickly betrays him on their way back to Kuzco's Palace] We shook hands on it!

Kuzko You know, the funny thing about shaking hands is...

[wiggles hoofs]

Kuzko ...you need hands.

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Yzma [handing him a bottle of poison] Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho! Feel the power.

Kronk Oh... I can feel it.

Yzma Our moment of triumph approaches! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's dinner time!

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Kuzco Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right out of the air! "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Pacha You just saved my life!

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[after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]

Kuzco You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.

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Townsman #1 Hey, Pacha, you just missed your relatives.

Pacha My relatives?

Townsman #1 Yeah, we just sent them up to your house.

Pacha What'd they look like?

Townsman #1 Well there was this big guy, and this older woman who was... well, how would you describe her?

Townsman #2 Ah, scary beyond all reason?

Townsman #1 Yeah, that's it.

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Kuzco There's two people in there looking for you.

Kuzco Who?

Pacha A big guy and a skinny old woman.

Kuzco Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?

Pacha Oh, yeah!

Kuzco That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!

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Kronk's Shoulder Angel You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?

Kronk My shoulder angel.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that *rocks*.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel Oh, come off it.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil *You* come off it.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel You.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil You.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel You.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil You infinity.

[Shoulder Angel grrs]

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[Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike]

Kuzco Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.

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ChiCha As I said before, you may remember, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you stopped by.

Yzma Oh, would you please? That would be just great.

[knocks her cup on the floor]

Yzma Oops. Silly me.

ChiCha [annoyed] No no, allow me.

[very pregnant, tries to squat to pick up cup]

Yzma [joins Kronk jumping rope] She's hiding something. When I give the word we search the house.

Kronk Ok, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.

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Yzma Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?

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[Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a dead tree branch]

Kuzco Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha No, no, no. It's... It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.

[the branch cracks]

Kuzco I hate you.

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Kuzco Boo-yeah.

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Yzma But... but Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for... for many, many years.

Kuzco Hey, everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago.

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Kronk Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo. I am loving this.

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[Film stops, Llama Kuzco appears on screen]

Kuzco Uh, excuse me. Two seconds here. I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story is about me.

[Circles the bag on the cart where he is]

Kuzco Not him.

[Crosses out Pacha]

Kuzco Okay, we're clear? All right, we're gonna move ahead. Sorry to keep you waiting.

[Exits; returns to scribble over Pacha; realizes he's still on screen, chuckles, then leaves; film starts up again]

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ChiCha So what did the emperor want?

Pacha [Unable to explain that Emperor Kuzco was planning to destroy their village to make room for his Summer home, Kuzcotopia] Uh, you know what? He couldn't see me.

ChiCha Couldn't see you? Why not?

Pacha I don't know.

ChiCha Well, that's just rude!

Pacha Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.

ChiCha No no no no. Emperor or no Emperor, it's called common courtesy. If it were me, I'd march right back there and *demand* to see him. You know I would!

Pacha Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.

ChiCha Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for a while, but even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just, just...

[snorts]

ChiCha I gotta go wash something.

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Pacha [hanging off the bridge] Kuzco!

Kuzco Yeah?

Pacha Quick, pull me up!

Kuzco No, I don't think I will.

Pacha You're gonna leave me here?

Kuzco Well, I was gonna have you imprisoned for life, but I kinda like this better.

Pacha I thought you were a changed man.

Kuzco Come on, I had to say *something* to get you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha So all of it was a lie?

Kuzco Well yeah. No, wait... Oh, yeah, it all was a lie. Toodles!

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Kuzko Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to *me*?

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Kuzco What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.

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Kronk Hey, don't I know you?

Pacha I... I don't think so.

Kronk Wrestled you in high school.

Pacha I don't remember that, no.

Kronk Metal shop? Oh, I know, Miss Nalca's interpretive dance, two semesters. I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles. C'mon, you gotta help me out here.

Pacha Look, I don't think we've ever met, but... I gotta go.

[Gets up]

Kronk Don't worry, I'll think of it!

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Kronk [trying to ease the awkward tension] Hey, d'you see that sky today? Talk about blue.

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Tipo Dad! I ate a bug today!

Pacha Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.

ChiCha I heard that!

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Pacha Okay, once we cross this bridge, it's just an hour to your palace.

Kuzco Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.

Pacha I believe it.

Kuzco What's that?

Pacha Nothing.

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Kuzco No, no! Don't drop it!

Yzma Kitty I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to *kill* you.

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Yzma Kitty [after successfully getting her paws on the potion to turn her back into a human before Kuzco] I win.

[Kronk suddenly opens up the nearby window nearby, slamming it onto Yzma, letting the potion fly into the hands of Pacha and Kuzco]

Kronk What are the odds of that trap door leadin' me out here?

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Kuzco [as he turns into a Llama from the "drink" he just had] Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?

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Kuzco [as a parrot, whilst testing out each of the potions] We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one.

Pacha Fine by me!

Kuzco Give me that one.

[drinks a potion and turns into a whale]

Kuzco Not a word...

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Kuzco [watching Yzma talk] Whoa! Look at those wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the...

[sees a bit of spinach on Yzma's teeth]

Kuzco How long has that been there?

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Kronk [while falling down the stairs] Back! Elbow! Shoulder!

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ChiCha Okay, everybody. Move aside.

[ChiCha pats her pregnant belly]

ChiCha Lady with a baby comin' through.

[ChiCha kisses Pacha]

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Kuzco When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?

Pacha Well, that's funny. Because I thought that you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really *bad* ideas.

Kuzco Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

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Kronk Woohoo. Faster, faster! Yzma, put your hands in the air!

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ChiCha I gotta go wash something.

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Kuzco Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide.

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Theme Song Guy He's the sovereign lord of the nation / He's the hippest cat in creation / He's the Alpha, the Omega, A to Z / And this perfect world will spin / Around his every little whim / 'Cause this perfect world begins and ends with...

Kuzco Me!

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[after Pacha attempted to breathe into Kuzco's mouth after saving him from drowning to see if he was still alive]

Pacha For the last time, it was not a kiss.

Kuzco Well, whatever you call it, it was disgusting.

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Kuzco [referring to Kronk] He's... what, in his late twenties?

Yzma Hehe... I'm... not sure.

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Pacha [Both hanging from a bridge, Pacha hits Kuzco in anger] That's for going back on your promise!

Kuzco [Kuzco hits Pacha] Yeah! And that's for kidnapping me and taking me back to your village! Which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Hehehe. No touchy!

[Pacha hits him back]

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Pacha You know what? Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Kuzko [sarcastically rolls his eyes] Thanks for that. I'll log *that* away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace!

Pacha Looks to me like you're stuck out here, because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

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[after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzcotopia"]

Pacha But, but, um, where will *we* live?

Kuzco Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?

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Kuzco [to a Squirrel he finds in the Jungle] Hit the road, Bucky!

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Kuzco Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.

Pacha Build your summer house somewhere else.

Kuzco You wanna run that by me again?

Pacha I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.

Kuzco I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer.

[Pacha comes closer]

Kuzco [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!

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Kuzco If you had done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little "kiss of life".

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Kronk [to the squirrel, about Yzma] Yeah, tell me about it. No, no, it's not you - she's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.

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Theme Song Guy He was born and raised to rule / No-one has ever been this cool / In a thousand years of aristocracy / An enigma and a mystery / In Mesoamerican history / The quintessence of perfection, that is he.

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Kuzco [bumps into the old man while dancing] Gah! You threw off my groove,

Guard I'm sorry but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.

Old Man [getting thrown out the window] Sorry!

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Kuzco When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!

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Kuzco I am one hungry king of the world.

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[after saving Kuzco from some jaguars while swinging on a vine]

Pacha Don't worry your highness, I gotcha!

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Kuzco [drinks the potion Kronk served him] Aah tasty!

[passes out]

Yzma [laughs] Finally, good work Kronk!

Kronk [thinking she's talking about his cooking] Oh, they're so easy to make, I'll get you the recipe.

Yzma Now to get rid of the body

Kuzco [suddenly regains consciousness] Ok, what were we saying?

Yzma [shocked] Uh... we were just making a toast to your long and...

[Kuzco's ears become llama ears and he picks at them]

Yzma healthy rule.

Kuzco Right. So what are you gonna do?

[his neck grows long and hairy]

Kuzco I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...

[Yzma tries to signal to Kronk to knock him out]

Kuzco It might be difficult for someone of your age

[his hand becomes a hoof]

Kuzco adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend?

[his face becomes a llama's]

Yzma [muttering to Kronk while hitting two pieces of broccoli together] Hit him on the head!

Kronk [not understanding her] More broccoli?

[she pounds her palm with her fist and he understands]

Kuzco Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.

[Kronk hits him on the head with a salad bowl, knocking him out]

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Pacha [to ChiCha] So we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.

Kuzco [Appears outside of the window] Hi there.

[ChiCha hits him with a frying pan]

Kuzco Aah!

Pacha That was him.

ChiCha Whoops.

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Yzma [after Kuzco has turned into a llama and Kronk has knocked him out] What?, A llama? He's supposed to be dead!

Kronk Yeah, weird

Yzma Let me see that vial.

[unfolds the sticker which looks like a skull but turns out to be in the shape of a llama]

Yzma This isn't poison. This is extract of... . llama!

[throws the vial at Kronk in anger]

Kronk You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.

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ChiCha So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?

Yzma Why, I'm his third cousins brother's wife's step nieces great aunt! haha! Ahaha twice removed.

[sips her tea]

Yzma Isn't that right, Kronk?

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ChiCha Okay, okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.

Tipo Tipo, Chaca: Dad, do we have to?

[gives him the sad face with their big sad eyes]

Pacha No, you two can stay up. We're just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other. Right, honey?

Tipo Tipo, Chaca: Good night.

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Waitress I need two heartburns and a deep fried doorstop!

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[Kuzco falls off the bridge, gets tangled up in vines and hangs next to Pacha]

Pacha Are you OK? Are you all right?

Kuzco Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm all right.

Pacha [angrily] Good!

[punches Kuzco in the face]

Pacha That's for going back on your promise!

Kuzco Hi-ya!

[kicks Pacha in the stomach and swings on the vines]

Kuzco That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way!

[chuckles]

Kuzco No touchy.

[Pacha headbutts him in the chest]

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Kuzco Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So... no hard feelings about being let go.

Yzma None whatsoever.

Kuzco [Kuzco takes off his sandals, he putting his size-9 bare feet up in the table and he wiggling his toes] These tootsies have been through a lot today.

Yzma Kronk, get the emperor a drink.

Kronk Drink. Right.

Kronk Your Highness.

Kuzco [Sniffs] Is something burning?

Kronk [Gasps] My spinach puffs!

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The Emperor's New Groove Movie Quotes