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Ellen Moseby [of a football game] Who's winning?
Harry Moseby Nobody. One side is just losing slower than the other.
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Harry Moseby I saw a Rohmer film once. It was kind of like watching paint dry.
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Joey Ziegler He'd fuck a woodpile on the chance there was a snake in it.
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Tom Iverson I want that kid the hell out of here. You see, I... I get pretty foolish with her, and I... Well, you've seen her. God, there ought to be a law!
Harry Moseby There is.
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Harry Moseby Listen Delly, I know it doesn't make much sense when you're sixteen. Don't worry. When you get to be forty, it isn't any better.
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Arlene Iverson Caught me in my bath.
Harry Moseby I'm sorry.
Arlene Iverson [seductively] Oh, that's all right. You could've joined me. It's a big bath.
Harry Moseby [with a wry grin] Maybe some other time, when I'm feeling really dirty.
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Harry Moseby You told me fairy tales... About Malone... Billy Danreuther... The President getting shot... Your erect nipples!
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Paula Where were you when Kennedy got shot?
Harry Moseby Which Kennedy?
Paula Any Kennedy.
Harry Moseby When the president got shot, I was on my way to San Diego. Football game. When Bobby got shot, I was sitting in a car waiting for a guy to come out of a house with his girlfriend. Working on a divorce case. One of those times I wish I was in another business.
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Harry Moseby What happened to your face?
Quentin I won second prize in a fight.
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Paula Oh, that's a beauty.
Harry Moseby Yeah, but he didn't see it. He played something else and he lost. He must have regretted it every day of his life. I know I would have. As a matter of fact I do regret it, and I wasn't even born yet.
Paula That's no excuse.
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Marv Ellman There's nothing like having a mother and a daughter. Gives you sort of a kind of perspective.
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Paula How do you resist Delly?
Harry Moseby Oh, I just think good, clean thoughts, like Thanksgiving, George Washington's teeth.
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Harry Moseby You think Delly knew that Marv and her mother were making it?
Joey Ziegler A blind man on a galloping horse would've known. Arlene ain't Lillian Gish.
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Harry Moseby What'd you do before this?
Paula [coyly] This and that...
Paula [pauses, gives him a look] I taught school, I... kept house. I waited tables... I did a little stripping, I did a little hooking... and I trod a lot of water.
Harry Moseby Sounds kind of bleak. Or is it just the way you tell it?
Paula [sharply] Do you ask these questions because you wanna' know the answer, or is it just something you think a detective should do?
Harry Moseby I just want you to know I'm here.
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Harry Moseby Harry thinks if you call him Harry again he's gonna make you eat that cat!
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Paula When we're all as free as Delly there'll be rioting in the streets.
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Arlene Iverson Are you the kind of detective who, once you get on a case nothing can get you off it? Bribes, beatings, the allure of a woman...
Harry Moseby That was true in the old days. Before we had a union.
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Nick Where do you know Arlene from?
Joey Ziegler From way back.
Nick Oh, yeah? What's your name again? Ziegler? Joey Ziegler?
Joey Ziegler Joey Ziegler.
Nick I don't think you were one of the names.
Joey Ziegler What names?
Nick One of those she cheated on Grastner with. I got them all.
Joey Ziegler I'm one of a small, select group. We hold meetings in a telephone booth.
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Harry Moseby I'm looking for Delly Grastner.
Quentin Delly isn't around here anymore.
Harry Moseby You got any idea where she could be? Is she visiting friends? Is she meditating? Did she join a commune?
Quentin [scoffs] Delly's idea of a "commune" is her and a guy on top of her.
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Paula [of the uninhibited Delly] Did she offer you the key to the city?
Harry Moseby Well, no. It was, uh, more like a sightseeing tour.
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Nick [about his collection of Mexican statuary] Don't you like them, Har?
Harry Moseby I would, if they didn't all remind me of Alex Karras.
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Arlene Iverson [shows Harry a picture] This is my second husband, Tom lverson, the bum. The only thing I got out of him was a new name. That's *ahfter* I quit acting. Did you ever see me in anything?
Harry Moseby [Harry draws a blank face, chuckles and shakes his head]
Arlene Iverson I was never "big," not really big. There were a lot like me. You know, studio premieres, studio romances, not much talent. But I got lucky and grabbed off one of the big guns, Irving Grastner.
Arlene Iverson Oh, I had lovely tits... even if I do say so myself.
Arlene Iverson [sighs] Ahh, they're sitting on a little bit of silicone now... but when they were up for grabs, they were really something special.
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Paula Do you ask these questions because you wanna know the answer or is it just something you think a detective should do?
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Joey Ziegler Well, the world is getting smaller, the kids are getting younger and I'm getting drunk!
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Harry Moseby [observing Paula, who is feeding dolphins in a special pen] What do you got 'em for?
Paula Well, there's a big demand for dolphins. Lots of people want 'em, you'd be surprised. People buy them for their swimming pools. They think it's chic to have a dolphin for a pet. Like that craze for baby alligators in New York years back. When they got bored with 'em, they flushed them down the john. Now they got a sewage system swarming with blind, albino, shit-eating alligators.
Harry Moseby [listening with a bemused look on his face] I'm not too sure I believe that.
Paula You're not one of those "intent on the truth" types, are you?
Harry Moseby Well, not religious about it, no, but I...
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Harry Moseby How long you been on the Keys?
Paula Long enough.
Harry Moseby And you don't like it?
Paula I like the sun... I'm convalescing.
Harry Moseby What from?
Paula A terrible childhood. My father used to blow his nose with his fingers.
Harry Moseby That'll do it every time.
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Harry Moseby [speculating that the missing daughter, Delly, may be in Florida with her stepfather] My guess is that I should go down there.
Arlene Iverson [melodramatically] You're gonna' go *all the way to Florida* on a guess?
Harry Moseby No. I'm gonna' *fly* all the way to Florida on *your* money, Mrs. Iverson. It's up to you.
Arlene Iverson [indifferently] Go ahead.
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Arlene Iverson [as Harry confronts her at her poolside, after Delly's death] So I'm not grief-stricken. What does that make me?
Arlene Iverson [drunkenly] You know, Delly isn't the only kid who ever had it rough.
Arlene Iverson [sighs] When I was her age... I was down on my knees to half the men in this town.
Arlene Iverson [continues, as Harry looks at her contemptuously] I'm sorry the poor little bitch is dead. And when the time comes, I'll cry for her... but you won't be around to see it, Mr. Smart-Ass-Moseby. So... Out... OUT!
[drunkenly waves him away]
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Delly Grastner I like being patted like that. It's supposed to remind you of before you were born - your mother's heart beating on your back. Do you think you can remember back that far?
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Delly Grastner I think people are shitty. You're okay.
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Paula [pulls Harry's hand to her breast] I come from a small town. I grew up in a small town in upper New York state. Malone. Do you know it?
[while caressing her breast, Harry kisses Paula]
Paula You should - it's part of your heritage. Benjamin Franklin slept there. You remember Ben Franklin - he's the one on the $100 bills.
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Ellen Moseby How are you, Harry?
Harry Moseby I'm fine. Lousy. You know.
Ellen Moseby Yeah, I know. You really giving up the business?
Harry Moseby It looks like it. How you been?
Ellen Moseby More lousy than fine.
Harry Moseby Yeah.
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Paula You mean you're gonna solve the case and find the booty?
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Paula Why don't you just be content? You've solved the case.
Harry Moseby I didn't solve anything. This - fell in on top of me.
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Harry Moseby Look, I know you've been alone a lot, even when I was around.
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Ellen Moseby We've taken a long time to get this far. I don't want to pour it all away.
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Paula I got into it because I got involved with Tom. I got involved with Tom because - he was the only man around who got nicer as he got drunk. It may not sound like much to you, but, believe me, in these parts, it's a good deal.
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Nick Bye-bye, poops.
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Harry Moseby You ever see Tom lverson?
Joey Ziegler It's been about a year, year and a half. Last I heard, he was taking tourists down the Colorado River on rafts. He's another guy that can only do one thing, and *that* has gotta' be crazy.
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Delly Grastner I think people are shitty. You're okay.
Harry Moseby Yeah, I'm an ace.
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Harry Moseby Ellen, either way, I have to go.
Ellen Moseby Why? So you can pretend you're solving something?
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Quentin You're worse than the fuzz! They're upfront about what kind of bastards they are!
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Harry Moseby I didn't mean just you.
Ellen Moseby I know what you didn't mean.
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Harry Moseby Cut that out! I've been listening to your ping-pong talk long enough.
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[first lines]
Nick Beep! How I hate these goddamn machines!
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Harry Moseby You can get cheaper.
Arlene Iverson Can I get better?
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Harry Moseby Any message if I run into Delly?
Quentin Just be drivin' a truck.
Harry Moseby Yeah, they really get to you, don't they?
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Harry Moseby How old is she?
Arlene Iverson 16
Harry Moseby You got any idea what she does with her spare time or...
Arlene Iverson Oh, yeah, she, uh - she hangs out with freaks. She smokes marijuana. Gets laid, I dare say.
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Harry Moseby [referring to Eric Rohmers' "My Night at Mauds" showing at the Magnolia Theater for $1] How was the movie?
Ellen Moseby Pretty arty.
Harry Moseby Did Charles like it?
Ellen Moseby He thought it was yummy.
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Marty Heller Well, come on, take a swing at me, Harry, the way Sam Spade would!
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Ellen Moseby Turn that thing off! I can't hear myself think!
Harry Moseby Lucky you.
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Ellen Moseby This isn't something we can pretend doesn't involve you.
Harry Moseby What is this "we" bullshit? I didn't get caught fucking Marty Heller.
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Ellen Moseby Well, are we gonna talk about it?
Harry Moseby It's your ball. Run with it.
Ellen Moseby Oh, don't start with the sporting metaphors. I couldn't stand that.
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Harry Moseby That would have really been terrific, wouldn't it? I stand there with my thumb up my ass while you introduce him as some client or some faggot friend of Charles.
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Paula You gonna tell her who you are?
Harry Moseby I don't know. Is she liable to, uh, take off?
Paula Not before she's tried to lay you.
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Delly Grastner Feels like everything's gonna blow away. I really like that feeling, you know?
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Harry Moseby You think you got troubles. I gotta go back to L.A. and see the black widow.
Joey Ziegler Well, keep your legs crossed.
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Delly Grastner I guess you like things to stay the way they are.
Harry Moseby It depends on how they are.
Delly Grastner I like things to change, no matter what.
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Joey Ziegler See you back in the smog.
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Paula You beating yourself?
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Harry Moseby Listen, is there still much smuggling going on around here?
Tom Iverson Do dogs have fleas? Cuba's only 90 miles away and it's getting closer. Hell, there's always a buck to be made.
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Paula Show me that again. Aw, it's a beauty.
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Paula Down here, I'm a pretty good-looking chick. You don't think so at the moment, but stick around.
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Harry Moseby Do you play?
Paula I know the moves.
Harry Moseby Well, black had a mate and didn't see it. Queen sacrifice - and three little knight moves. Check. Check. Check.
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Paula The first time anybody touched my breasts, it was a boy called Billy Danruther. The nipples stayed hard for nearly half an hour afterward. Don't you think that's sad?
Harry Moseby No. I think it's kind of nice.
Paula I don't. I think it's so fuckin' sad.
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