Bookworm Movie Quotes
Mildred
Am I still dreaming, or did a 42-year-old man really just wake up an 11-year-old girl to tell her that he heard a creepy sound in the night?
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Mildred
So, what does the average working day for an illusionist look like?
Strawn
Well, I do appearances. Parties. Actually, last week, I just did a major celebrity's birthday party.
Mildred
[sarcastic]
Wow.
Mildred
Oh, sure I could. I just can't promise I will.
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Strawn
Hey. Do you want to see something amazing?
[Mildred continues to read]
Strawn
I said... do you want to see something - amazing?
Mildred
Will it take a long time?
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Strawn
Peanut butter and jelly. What do you think? Old Strawn's got some sandwich-making skills?
Mildred
Must be an American delicacy. Can't say I'm a fan myself, but calories are calories, and they're in short supply out here.
Strawn
You know, you don't talk like a...
Mildred
Like a normal child? I know.
Strawn
I wasn't gonna put it that way exactly, but yeah. My point is, you don't have to dress everything up to sound more sophisticated than you are.
Mildred
[scoffs]
Yeah. Says the magician who insists on being called an illusionist.
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Strawn
I'm thinking that between getting you kidnapped, attacked by a panther, thrown off a cliff, and feeding you weird mushrooms, I've secured my place on the Mount Rushmore of disappointing dads.
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Strawn
Can I come in?
Dotty
Can I see some ID?
Strawn
ID?
Dotty
Yeah. It stands for Identification Document.
Strawn
I would love to show you some ID, but there's a problem. You see, you actually have it.
Dotty
I have it?
Strawn
That's right.
Dotty
What do you mean, mate?
Strawn
You have my ID.
Dotty
I do? Where?
[Strawn pulls a passport from Dotty's ear]
Dotty
I have to say, normally, I find magicians skin-crawlingly embarrassing, but you're actually half-decent.
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Mildred
I found her secret diary once. It said that she met you on a girls' trip to Vegas. Says I was conceived in the parking lot of a convenience store. That's not really true, is it?
Strawn
Yeah.
Mildred
And they say romance is dead.
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Strawn
You know, this entire trip, you've been nothing about a grade-A, D-bag.
Mildred
Yeah? Well, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?
Strawn
A pretentious, prickly runt.
Mildred
I know you are, you said you were, so what am I?
Strawn
You're an asshole.
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Arnold
Hi, I'm... I'm Arnold, and this is my beautiful wife, Angelina.
Angelina
The long-suffering missus.
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Strawn
What I do is both physically and mentally exhausting. My wrist strength is equivalent to that of a professional wrestler. You think it's easy making a hundred balloon animals for Vin Diesel's kids?
Mildred
Balloon animals. And they say air traffic controllers have stressful jobs. And what the hell is a Vin Diesel?
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Zo
You sure do know a crap-ton of words, don't you, my girl?
Mildred
I'm a card-carrying bookworm, so, yes, I sure do know a crap-ton of words.
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Strawn
Mildred, it's me. Strawn. Your dad. I just flew halfway across the world to be with you, little lady.
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Mildred
See these black and green mushrooms?
Strawn
Yeah.
Mildred
Well, if we ever get separated, don't ever eat those.
Strawn
Why? What happens?
Mildred
Full body numbness, hallucinations, possible nausea, and projectile vomiting.
Strawn
Oh. Sounds fun.
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Reginald
Hi there, Mildred. I'm Reginald.
Mildred
You look like a Reginald. That name suits you. You have a perfect name-to-face correspondence.
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Strawn
I know what you look like. The... the cops will do a composite sketch.
Arnold
I'll just go home, cut my hair, shave off my beard, and nobody will recognize me.
Strawn
What about Angelina?
Arnold
She'll shave her beard off too.
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Mildred
Mom? If you sneak up on me again, I will pee myself. And you're gonna have to clean it up.
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