Jackson
By the way, your tits look exceptional in that dress.
Sloane
Thanks. That's why I bought it.
Jackson
Oh, love the way it hugs your ass, too.
Sloane
That's really sweet of you to notice.
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[first lines]
Sloane
Fucking holidays.
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[Sloane sits at the kids dinner table to avoid annoying adult inquiries, yet...]
Daisy
So, Aunt Sloane, why DIDN'T you call Rodney?
Sloane
Why didn't YOU call Rodney?
Daisy
Because I already have a boyfriend. His name is Levi, and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.
Sloane
Well, good for you, Daisy. You enjoy it while you can, 'cause one day you are gonna walk outside and you're gonna catch Levi sharing his juice box with a Starbucks barista named Rainbow. Yeah. Not a good day, Daisy. It hurts. It hardens you. And the next thing you know, you're just south of thirty sitting at the kids table numbing the pain with a vodka.
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Sloane
When did Halloween go from dressing up like a princess to dressing up like a whore?
Abby
Oh, I dunno, like, sixth grade?
Daisy
What's a whore?
Abby
Um, somebody who gets paid to play with boys.
Violet
I wanna be a whore.
Daisy
Me, too.
Abby
Okay, but just remember that the house gets fifty per cent.
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Elaine
Oh, well, I know the holidays can be stressful, but no man wants to marry a smoker... who lies.
Sloane
Well, no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law, so I guess that's three strikes.
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[Sloane stands up]
Jackson
You're wearing my underwear.
Sloane
[looks down and gasps]
Well, that doesn't... mean anything. I... probably got cold in the night... after my... panties fell... off.
[espies panties, grabs them, and ducks behind a tall-backed chair to change]
Jackson
Ah, come on. You must be able to tell somehow.
Sloane
Tell how?
Jackson
I don't know. I don't have a vagina.
Sloane
Well, there's no forensic evidence, nothing's dried on my leg. There's no... wrapper on the floor, if that's what you're wondering.
[throws his underwear at him]
Jackson
Okay.
Sloane
Can't YOU tell?
Jackson
[takes a look at himself under the blanket]
I mean, he looks a little tired, but... I don't think he's really satisfied.
Sloane
I'm telling you we didn't do it. One of us would for sure be able to tell.
Jackson
Sweet. Let's go with that.
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Elaine
I want you to find someone who has real potential, not this holidate crap like your aunt.
Sloane
She seems like she's having fun.
Elaine
She's gonna die alone in a wheelchair and a diaper. Is that what you want?
Sloane
Do I get a male nurse?
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Jackson
Human beings aren't meant to be alone on the holidays. W-we actually need, you know, warmth, companionship, and someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties.
Sloane
I do enjoy drunk-mocking strangers at parties
Jackson
Well, then, this is perfect. We can be each other's holidate for New Year's Eve.
Jackson
Yeah, well, that's what makes it perfect. 'Cause there's no pressure. There's no expectations. I mean... I don't even think I find you that attractive.
Sloane
Wow! Calm down with the flattery.
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Jackson
You had me at Lester.
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Elaine
She doesn't need another friend. She needs a husband, a partner, someone who is legally bound to be there during the chemo.
Sloane
What chemo?
Elaine
Oh, honey, don't kid yourself. You have bad genes - and bald women don't really get a lot of dates.
Jackson
You have nothing to worry about, okay? Sloane is a great girl - even bald.
Elaine
Then why aren't you sleeping with her?
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Sloane
Nobody drops Baby on her head.
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Sloane
So, Daisy, how are things with Levi the juice box king?
Daisy
We broke up.
Sloane
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Daisy
It's okay. He wasn't ready for a real relationship. I need someone who's gonna put ME first. Gotta go.
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Jackson
Hey, if it's any consolation, I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater sipping mocktails with a room full of people who I think were in a cult.
Sloane
I'll see your ugly Christmas sweater and raise you a seat at the kids table, my little brother getting engaged, and catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall Santa.
Jackson
That's a... festive visual.
Sloane
Seared into my brain like a bad tattoo.
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Sloane
Thank you.
Jackson
Hmm.
Sloane
I owe you.
Jackson
That's better. Now, I'll take my hand job in the parking lot, thank you.
Sloane
Oh, a hand job. What are you, like, twelve?
Jackson
You gave hand jobs at twelve?
Sloane
I developed early.
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Liz
You can't watch porn on Valentine's Day!
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York
Aunt Sloane, life if giving you a moment. Don't fuck it up.
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Sloane
What is it about men and explosives?
Aunt Susan
All about the cock.
Liz
What do fireworks have to do with a man's... anatomy?
Aunt Susan
It's like... jacking off. Men LIVE for the orgasm. If they're not fucking, they're dreamin' about fucking... or blowin' stuff up. Next best thing to fucking.
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Sloane
[in an elevator with Jackson]
Just rip it. Okay, just, just... You know? Just-just rip it. Just... just rip it. Just... just... RIP MY FUCKING PANTS OFF!
[doors open]
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Elaine
This is what you wear to Christmas dinner? Don't you even own a dress?
Sloane
I'm great, Mom. Thanks. House looks... beautiful.
Elaine
Well, your Aunt Susan brought at-the-mall Santa home, and, uh, your nephew just pooped in the manger.
Abby
Ugh, it was a tiny poo. I mean, he moved the baby Jesus first.
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Sloane
Yeah. It fills me with warm, delicious happiness. Like Christmas used to, before I realized Santa was a big scam.
Jackson
Yeah. Christmas peaked for me at about ten. I got a surfboard and my first complete set of golf clubs.
Sloane
Hmm.
Jackson
It was good.
Sloane
My best Christmas... was a Barbie Dream House, preassembled, and a ventriloquist puppet named Lester. He looked like Jaleel White.
Jackson
Hmm?
Sloane
I sort of had a thing for Urkel. I spent months learning to throw my voice.
Jackson
Well, come on, let's hear it.
Sloane
No.
Jackson
Excuse me. I bought you a free pretzel. So, you owe me an Urkel. Come on. Come on.
Jackson
Nice.
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