The Big Short 2016 - Movie Quotes

Overheard at a Washington, D.C. bar "Truth is like poetry. And most people fucking hate poetry."

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On screen quotation from Mark Twain [On screen quote attributed to Mark Twain] It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

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Mark Baum I don't get it. Why are they confessing?

Danny Moses They're not confessing.

Porter Collins They're bragging.

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Ben Rickert If we're right, people lose homes. People lose jobs. People lose retirement savings, people lose pensions. You know what I hate about fucking banking? It reduces people to numbers. Here's a number - every 1% unemployment goes up, 40,000 people die, did you know that?

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On screen quotation from Haruki Murakami's novel "IQ84" Everyone, deep in their hearts, is waiting for the end of the world to come.

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Danny Moses You're completely sure of the math?

Jared Vennett Look at him, that's my quant.

Mark Baum Your what?

Jared Vennett My quantitative. My math specialist. Look at him, you notice anything different about him? Look at his face.

Mark Baum That's pretty racist.

Jared Vennett Look at his eyes, I'll give you a hint, his name is Yang. He won a national math competition in China! HE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! Yeah I'm sure of the math.

Ted Jiang [to camera] Actually, my name's Jiang and I do speak English. Jared likes to say I don't because he thinks it makes me seem more authentic. And I got second in that national math competition.

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Jared Vennett Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.

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Mark Baum I have a feeling in a few years people are going to be doing what they always do when the economy tanks. They will be blaming immigrants and poor people.

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Mark Baum We live in an era of fraud in America. Not just in banking, but in government, education, religion, food, even baseball... What bothers me isn't that fraud is not nice. Or that fraud is mean. For fifteen thousand years, fraud and short sighted thinking have never, ever worked. Not once. Eventually you get caught, things go south. When the hell did we forget all that? I thought we were better than this, I really did.

[to his opponent, Bruce Miller]

Mark Baum And as fun as it is seeing pompous dumb Wall Streeters be wildly wrong, and you are *wrong*, sir. I just know that at the end of the day regular people are going to pay for all of this. Because they always, always do. That's my two cents. Thank you.

Deutsche Auditorium Host Does our bull have a response?

Bruce Miller Only that in the history of Wall Street, no investment bank has ever failed except when caught in criminal activities. So I stand by my Bear Stearns optimism.

Banker in Deutsche Auditorium Mr. Miller! Sorry. Quick question. From the time you guys started talking, Bear Stearns stock has fallen more than 38 percent. Would you buy more now?

Bruce Miller [unsure] Sure. Yeah. I'd buy more. Why not?

Mark Baum BOOM.

[the whole room scramble for the aisles]

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Mark Baum [on the phone] Ok, I want you to walk back in there and very calmly, very politely tell the risk-assessors to fuck-off!

Vinnie Daniel [Walks into the room] Gentlemen, I just spoke with Mark Baum and he says to 'fuck off'.

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Mark Baum Short everything that man has touched.

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Rabbi Paul is a fine boy, and Mark is an excellent student of the Torah and the Talmud.

Mark Baum's Mom Then what's the problem, rabbi?

Rabbi It's the reason Mark is studying so hard. He's looking for inconsistencies in the word of God!

Mark Baum's Mom So has he found any?

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Jared Vennett I'm jacked! I'm jacked to the tits!

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Jared Vennett [pulling blocks from a Jenga tower] As, zero. Bs, zero. Double Bs, zero. Trible Bs, zero...

[the tower topples]

Jared Vennett And then that happens.

Mark Baum What is that?

Jared Vennett That's America's housing market.

[Baum's team stares in utter shock]

Jared Vennett Thank you.

Jared's Assistant (Chris) [delighted] Fuckin' A, Jared.

Jared Vennett Shut your fuckin' mouth.

[Chris' face falls in embarrassment]

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Jared Vennett [about credit default swaps] Let me put it this way: I'm standing in front of a burning house, and I'm offering you fire insurance on it.

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Mark Baum The banks have given us 25% interest rates on credit cards. They have screwed us on student loans that we can never get out from under. Then this guy walks into my office and says those same banks got greedy, they lost track of the market, and I can profit off of their stupidity? Fuck, yeah, I want him to be right!

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Michael Burry That's a nice haircut. Did you do it yourself?

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Jared Vennett ["Rockin' in the Free World" by Neil Young plays] In the years that followed, hundreds of bankers and rating agency's executives went to jail. The SEC was completely overhauled, and Congress had no choice but to break up the big banks and regulate the mortgage and derivatives industries.

[Music stops, with a glass breaking sound]

Jared Vennett Just kidding. Banks took the money the American people gave them, and they used it to pay themselves huge bonuses, and lobby the Congress to kill big reform. And then they blamed immigrants and poor people, and this time even teachers. And when all was said and done, only one single banker went to jail: this poor schmuck, Kareem Serageldin from Credit Suisse

[Real picture of Kareem shown on screen]

Jared Vennett . He hid a few billion in mortgage bond losses, something most of the big banks did on a good day during the crisis.

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Anthony Bourdain OK, I'm a chef on a Sunday afternoon, setting the menu at a big restaurant. I ordered my fish on Friday, which is the mortgage bond that Michael Burry shorted. But some of the fresh fish doesn't sell. I don't know why. Maybe it just came out halibut has the intelligence of a dolphin. So, what am I going to do? Throw all this unsold fish, which is the BBB level of the bond, in the garbage, and take the loss? No way. Being the crafty and morally onerous chef that I am, whatever crappy levels of the bond I don't sell, I throw into a seafood stew. See, it's not old fish. It's a whole new thing! And the best part is, they're eating 3-day-old halibut. *That* is a CDO.

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Michael Burry I met my wife on match.com. My profile said that I'm a medical student with only one eye, an awkward social manner, and 145 thousand dollars in student loans. She wrote back, "You're just what I've been looking for!" She meant honest.

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Cynthia Baum Saints don't live on Park Avenue.

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Mark Baum I'm going to find moral redemption at the roulette table.

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Casey What am I supposed to do? Write a piece called "We're all fucked"?

Charlie Geller Yes! That's a perfect title!

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[last lines]

Mark Baum Okay. Sell it all.

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Mark Baum And I'm getting madder and madder and I ask this guy how he sleeps at night knowing he's ripping off working people and he just leaves. He doesn't say a word. He just walks away from the lunch. So am I fucked up or is he?

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Vinnie Daniel It's like someone hit a pinata full of white people who suck at golf.

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Mark Baum We're going to wait and we're going to wait and we're going to wait until they feel the pain, until they start to bleed.

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Lawrence Fields Your big mortgage bet concerns us. We have no confidence in your ability to identify macroeconomic trends.

Michael Burry You flew here to tell me that? Why? I mean, anyone can see there's a real estate bubble.

Lawrence Fields Actually, no one can see a bubble. That's what makes it a bubble.

Michael Burry That's dumb, Lawrence. There are always markers. Mortgage fraud - it's quadrupled since 2000. Average take home pay is flat yet home prices are soaring. That means homes are debts not assets.

Martin Blaine [sarcastically] So Mike Burry of San Jose, a guy who gets his hair cut at SuperCuts, and doesn't wear shoes, knows more than Alan Greenspan and Hank Paulson?

Michael Burry Dr. Mike Burry. And yes... he does.

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Margot Robbie Basically, Lewis Ranieri's mortgage bonds were amazingly profitable for the big banks. They made billions and billions on their 2% fee they got for selling each of these bonds. But then, they started running out of mortgages to put in them. After all, there are only so many homes and so many people with good enough jobs to buy them, right? So, the banks started filling these bonds with riskier and riskier mortgages. That way, they can keep that profit machine churning, alright? By the way, these risky mortgages are called subprime. So, whenever you hear the word subprime, think shit. Our friend, Michael Burry, found out that these mortgage bonds that were supposedly 65% AAA, were actually just, mostly, full of shit, so now, he's going to short the bonds, which means to bet against. Got it? Good... Now, fuck off.

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Michael Burry I want to buy swaps on mortgage bonds. A credit default swap that pays off if the underlying bond fails.

Goldman Sachs Sales Rep (Lucy) You want to bet against the housing market?

Michael Burry Yes.

Goldman Sachs Quant (Deeb) Why? Those bonds only fail if millions of Americans don't pay their mortgages. That's never happened in history. If you'll forgive me, Dr. Burry, it seems like a foolish investment.

Michael Burry Well, based on prevailing sentiment, the market, the banks and popular culture, yes, it's a foolish investment. But, everyone's wrong.

Goldman Sachs Sales Rep (Lucy) This is Wall Street, Dr. Burry. If you offer us free money, we ARE going to take it...

Michael Burry [interrupts her] My one concern is that when the bonds fail I want to be certain of payment in case of solvency issues with your bank.

Goldman Sachs Sales Rep (Lucy) I'm sorry, are you for real? You want to bet against the housing market and you're worried WE won't pay YOU?

Goldman Sachs Quant (Deeb) [confers, whispering with colleage, in a lengthy sidebar] Dr. Burry, we could work out a pay-as-we-go structure that would pay out if the bonds fail. But it would also apply to your payments if the value of the mortgage bond goes up, You'd have to pay us monthly premiums.

Goldman Sachs Sales Rep (Lucy) Is that acceptable, Dr. Burry?

Michael Burry Yes... yes. I have prospectuses on the six mortgage-backed securities I want to short.

Goldman Sachs Quant (Deeb) [Lengthy silence as the Goldman reps scan and review the thick booklets] Dr. Burry, these should be fine.

Goldman Sachs Sales Rep (Lucy) We're prepared to sell you five million in credit default swaps on these mortgage bonds.

Michael Burry Could we make it a hundred million?

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Jared Vennett If the mortgage bonds were the match, then the CDOs were the kerosene soaked rags, then the synthetic CDO was the atomic bomb that the drunk President holding his finger over the button, it was at that moment in that dumb restaurant, with that stupid look on his face that Mark Baum realized the whole world economy might collapse.

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Mark Baum [of Collateralized Debt Obligation funds] So mortgage bonds are dog shit. CDOs are dog shit wrapped in cat shit.

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Vinnie Daniel How come you don't hate this guy? He is everything you taught us not to trust.

Mark Baum I can't hate him. He is so transparent in his self interest that I kind of respect him.

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Michael Burry It's only a matter of time before someone else sees this investment. We have to act now.

Lawrence Fields And how do you know these bonds are built on subprime crap? Aren't they filled with hundreds of pages of mortgages?

Michael Burry I read them.

Lawrence Fields You read them? No one reads them. Only the lawyers who put them together read them.

Michael Burry I don't think they even know what they made. The whole housing market is propped up on these bad loans. It's a time bomb, and I want to short it.

Lawrence Fields Through what instrument, Michael? There are no insurance contracts or options for mortgage bonds! The bonds are too stable. No one would buy them.

Michael Burry I'm going to get a bank to make me one. Then I'm going to buy a ton of them.

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Mortgage Broker So, is Morgan Stanley recruiting us? Is that...

Porter Collins Oh, no. No. The bank owns our hedge fund but we're not really a part of it. We invest in financial service companies and we're trying to understand the residential mortgage business.

Mark Baum How many loans do you write each month?

Mortgage Broker Pffft! About sixty.

Mark Baum What was it four years ago?

Mortgage Broker Ten... maybe fifteen.

Mortgage Broker Yeah, I was a bartender. Now I own a boat.

Danny Moses You own a boat? So how many of these are, uh, adjustable rate mortgages?

Mortgage Broker Well, most. Yeah, I'd say about ninety percent. The bonuses on those skyrocketed a few years ago. Adjustables are our bread and honey.

Danny Moses So do applicants ever get rejected?

Mortgage Broker [laughs] Seriously? Look, if they get rejected, I suck at my job.

Danny Moses Even if they have no money?

Mortgage Broker Well, my firm offers NINJA loans - no income, no job. I just leave the income section blank if I want. Corporate doesn't care. These people just want homes, you know, and they just go with the flow.

Danny Moses Good for you.

Mark Baum Your companies don't verify?

Mortgage Broker If I write a loan on Friday afternoon, big bank will buy it by Monday lunch.

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Mark Baum [on cell phone] Hey... excuse me! Let me ask you this: What company treats its customers that shittily and succeeds?

Jared Vennett [inaudible]

Mark Baum [on cell phone] Fine... ok... Goldman...

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Lawrence Fields Are you being sarcastic with us, Mike?

Michael Burry Lawrence, I don't know how to be sarcastic.

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Mark Baum It's time to call bullshit.

Vinnie Daniel Bullshit on what?

Mark Baum Every fucking thing.

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Mark Baum Jared? It's chaos down here! Where are we at?

Jared Vennett [Walking into his bank's employee bathroom] "And Caesar wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer."

[Sees another employee, turns to him]

Jared Vennett Shane? SHANE?

[Shane leaves]

Jared Vennett Well, nobody's buying CDOs and mortgage bonds anymore, and everybody wants swaps. Swaps are now the hottest thing on the street.

Mark Baum Well, that's good for us.

Jared Vennett Yes and no. I heard from somebody who heard from somebody-

[Sees another employee walk]

Jared Vennett No, Alex, no. Sorry.

[Alex leaves]

Jared Vennett Benny Cleaver over at Morgan's taking some heavy losses. Your ship might be taking on water. Might be time to get our lifejacket and get out. Oh, I'm jacked. I'm JACKED! I'M JACKED TO THE *TITS*!

Mark Baum Okay, good.

Jared Vennett You feel it?

Mark Baum No.

[Hangs up]

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Lawrence Fields How big is your short position right now?

Michael Burry Uhh... 1.3 billion.

Lawrence Fields And the premiums?

Michael Burry Well, we pay roughly 80 to 90 million each year, which is high but I was the first to do this trade. Watch, it will pay. I may have been early, but I'm not wrong.

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Mark Baum Okay, look. If home prices don't go up, you are not going to be able to refinance. And you'll be stuck paying whatever your monthly payment is once it jumps up after your teaser rate expires. Your monthlies could go up two-, three-hundred percent.

Florida Strip Club Dancer James says I can always refinance.

Mark Baum Well, he's a liar. Actually, in this particular case, James probably is wrong.

Florida Strip Club Dancer 200 percent? On all my loans?

Mark Baum What do you mean "all" your loans? We're talking about two loans on one house, right?

Florida Strip Club Dancer I have five houses... and a condo.

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Mortgage Broker Trust me, I'm not driving a 7-series without strippers. No one on the pole has good credit, and they're ALL cash-rich.

Porter Collins Yeah, I think I read Warren Buffett say something like that in an article.

Mortgage Broker Who's Warren Buffett?

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JP Morgan Employee Ted had asked me to do some meeting prep but I couldn't find any marketing material on you guys.

Charlie Geller Oh, we just moved here from Boulder.

JP Morgan Employee Yeah. Well, can we see your offering documents

Charlie Geller Well, Brownfield is its own money.

Jamie Shipley It's our money.

JP Morgan Employee Well, can you tell us how much you manage?

Charlie Geller Of course. We're doing 30 million right now, uh, but we started four years ago with 110 thousand. So, as you can see, that's pretty phenomenal returns.

Jamie Shipley We want to get an ISDA agreement so we can deal in long-term options.

[subtitled: ISDA Agreement: An agreement that lets an investor sit at the 'big boy table' and make high level trades not available to stupid amateurs.Trying to be a high stakes trader without an ISDA is like trying to win the Indy 500 riding a llama]

JP Morgan Employee [in a slightly condescending tone] That's really cool. That is SO cool.

Charlie Geller Thank you.

JP Morgan Employee But, uh... you guys are under the capital requirements for an ISDA.

JP Morgan Employee By how much?

JP Morgan Employee [thinking] Uh... how much? One billion, four hundred seventy million. So... a lot.

Charlie Geller This makes us look bad, doesn't it? That we didn't know what the capital requirements were?

JP Morgan Employee Uh... it's not great. But keep up those returns and give us a call way down the line, you know. Okay?

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[repeated line]

Mark Baum I love my job.

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Ben Rickert Just... Stop fuckin' dancing.

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Charlie Geller Our investment-strategy was simple. People hate to think about bad things happening so they always underestimate their likelihood.

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Lawrence Fields Michael, give me my money back. Michael, do you hear me? I want my money back. Give me my fucking money back, you motherfucker.

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Epilogue Michael Burry contacted the government several times to see if anyone wanted to interview him to find out how he knew the system would collapse years before anyone else. No one ever returned his calls. But he was audited four times and questioned by the FBI. The small investing he still does is all focused on one commodity: water.

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Michael Burry Lawrence, I found something really interesting.

Lawrence Fields Great, Michael. Whenever you find something interesting, we all tend to make money. What stock are you valuing?

Michael Burry No stocks. I want to short the housing market.

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Jared Vennett Is this America's angriest hedge fund?

Vinnie Daniel All right, listen. I've got one last question for you. How are you fucking us?

Jared Vennett There's a nicer way to say that, Vinnie.

Vinnie Daniel I'm serious. We'll buy your swaps, but only if you say how you're fucking us.

Jared Vennett I'm not fucking you, Vinnie. I'm kissing you. I'm looking deep into your eyes as I make love to you, Vinnie. I'm handing you the deal of the century on a fucking platter. What do I get out of it? Easy. I've got a 20 million a month negative carry. I've got bosses trying to pull the plug because they think I'm out of my fucking mind. All right? We make this trade, those problems aren't so big anymore. And sure, swaps are a dark market, so I set the price. whatever price I want. And when you come for the payday, I'm gonna rip your eyes out, I'm gonna make a fortune. But the good news is, Vinnie, you're not gonna care because you're gonna make so much fucking money. That's what I get out of it. Want to know what you get out of it? You get the ice cream, the hot fudge, the banana, and the nuts. right now I get the sprinkles, and yeah, if this goes through, I get the cherry. But you get the sundae, Vinnie. You get the sundae.

Vinnie Daniel All right, I buy that. Thank you.

Jared Vennett So what do you say? You want me to make you a market?

Vinnie Daniel Yeah. We'll take 50 million, Garibaldi 4, BBB.

Jared Vennett Sharpen your pencils, I'll get the paperwork ready.

Vinnie Daniel [Hang up the phone] Fuck you too.

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Pub Goer [to Ben sitting with his laptop doing deals] Who are you a drug-dealer or a banker? Cause if you're a banker you can fuck right off!

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Jared Vennett Now their foot's on fire and they think their steak is done, and you're surprised?

Mark Baum That's not stupidity, that's fraud.

Jared Vennett Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal, and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.

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Epilogue When the dust settled from the collapse, 5 trillion dollars in pension money, real estate value, 401k, savings, and bonds had disappeared. 8 million people lost their jobs, 6 million lost their homes. And that was just in the USA.

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Charlie Geller Did you get a chance to take a look at what we sent you, Ben?

Ben Rickert Alright, Charlie, I did. Hang on.

[Long pause]

Charlie Geller Ben, are you still there?

Ben Rickert Yeah. I'll be honest, gentlemen; it scared the shit out of me.

Charlie Geller That's a good thing, right? That means that Vennett guy is not wrong?

Ben Rickert No, he's not.

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Casey Thanks for coming guys, totally fucking awesome to see you.

Charlie Geller Yeah. Casey, I've always hated you because you were a prick in college and you are a prick today!

Casey Thanks Charlie! Still living with your mom?

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Epilogue Charlie Geller and Jamie Shipley attempted to sue the ratings agencies but were laughed out of all law offices. Jamie still runs Brownfield but Charlie left New York to live in Charlotte and start a family. Ben Rickert now lives with his wife on a large orchard. They have plenty of seeds.

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Jared Vennett I'm telling you, your bet is against dumb money. It's about time you find out just how dumb that money really is.

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Jared Vennett You smell that? What is that?

Mark Baum What?

Jared Vennett What's that smell?

Vinnie Daniel Your cologne?

Jared Vennett No.

[pause and looks to his assistant]

Jared's Assistant (Chris) Opportunity.

Jared Vennett No. Money.

Porter Collins Ooh...

Jared Vennett I smell money.

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Ben Rickert [conducting business from a drinking establishment in rural England] I hardly got cell phone or wi-fi service. I'm trying to sell 200 million dollars worth of securities. In a pub. It smells like sheep.

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Charlie Geller Look, either we're right or we're wrong in a giant, giant way. And if we're wrong, then we gotta find someone to help us get out of this trade.

Jamie Shipley I'm not feeling remotely confident that we're right. and if we're wrong, who's gonna tell us? who understands this stuff? It makes no sense!

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Epilogue Mark Baum's wife Cynthia says Mark actually became gracious after the collapse and never said "I told you so" to anyone. Danny, Vinnie, and Porter all still run a fund together in Manhattan where there is a Nobu.

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Epilogue In 2015 several large banks began selling billions in something called a "bespoke tranche opportunity" which, according to Bloomberg News, is just another name for a CDO.

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Mark Baum This guy's whole business is built on ripping people off, how long can that last?

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Jared Vennett Chris, goddamnit.

Jared's Assistant (Chris) Sorry.

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[repeated line]

Jamie Shipley No no no!

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Mark Baum [to an exotic dancer] Look, can you stop turning around? I'll still pay you.

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Jamie Shipley How are you floating your resumé to big banks? I mean you're supposed to be the ones, you know, policing the big banks.

Evie Grow up, Jamie!

Jamie Shipley There must be some kind of law against working for a financial institution right after you've been working in financial regulation, right?

Evie No. No!

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Charlie Geller This isn't how I pictured it.

Jamie Shipley What did you think you'd find?

Charlie Geller I don't know. Grown-ups.

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Mark Baum So let me get this straight. The bank calls you up. They give you the bonds they want to sell. They give you clients, they give you money to run your business, give you fat fees for doing so, but you represent the investors!

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Porter Collins Somehow you're like Dora the Explorer and you're the first person who has found this thing...

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Mark Baum You have no idea the crap people are pulling and the average person just walks around like they're in a goddamn Enya video. They're all getting screwed... Credit cards, pay day lenders, car financing, fees, fees, and more fees. And what do they care about? The ball game or which actress went into rehab?

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Vinnie Daniel So, you're offering us a chance to short this pile of blocks? How?

Jared Vennett With something called a credit default swap. It's like insurance on the bond, and if it goes bust, you can make 10 to 1, even 20 to 1 return, and it's already slowly going bust.

Porter Collins 10 to 1, 20 to 1? No way.

Jared Vennett And no one's paying attention. No one is paying attention, because the banks are too busy getting paid obscene fees to sell these bonds.

Vinnie Daniel But wait, you are the bank, you work for the bank. I bet your margins are pretty nice and fat.

Jared Vennett Let's not talk about my margins by the way, being nice and fat. That's a nice shirt. Do they make it for men?

Vinnie Daniel Aren't you the bank?

Jared Vennett I work for the bank. I don't think like a bank. Big bank, small bank, I like to make money. Alright. Let me put it this way. I'm standing in front of a burning house and I'm offering you fire insurance on it.

Danny Moses How can these underlying bonds be as bad as you say? It wouldn't be legal.

Jared Vennett Nobody knows what's in them. Nobody knows what's in the bonds. I've seen some that are 65% Triple A rated, that I know for a fact are filled with 95% subprime shit with FICOs below 550.

Vinnie Daniel Get the fuck out of here.

Jared Vennett You want me to really blow your mind? When the market deems a bond too risky to buy, what do you think we do with it? Take a guess.

Vinnie Daniel I don't know. You tell me.

Jared Vennett Alright, you think we just warehouse it into the books? No. We just repackage it with a bunch of other shit that didn't sell and put it into a CDO.

[Collateralized Debt Obligation]

Mark Baum A CDO?

Jared Vennett Yes, a CDO.

[Collateralized Debt Obligation]

Mark Baum What is that?

Jared Vennett This is where we take a bunch of Bs, double Bs and triple Bs that haven't sold and put them in a pile. When the pile gets large enough, the whole thing is suddenly considered diversified. Then the whores at the rating agency give it a 92, 93% Triple A rating, no questions asked.

Mark Baum Say that again.

Jared Vennett [to camera] Collateralize Debt Obligation. It's important to understand, because its what a lot of housing crisis to become a nationwide economic disaster.

[Introduces restaurant chef Anthony Bourdain to explain]

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Michael Burry The fact is these mortgage-backed securities are filled with extremely risky subprime adjustable-rate loans. And when the majority of the adjustable rates kick in in '07, they will begin to fail, and if they fail above 15%, the whole bond is worthless.

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The Big Short Movie Quotes