Ruthless People Movie Quotes
Lt. Bender
[over a bullhorn]
GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.
Earl Mott
Who said that?
Lt. Walters
[to Lt. Bender]
This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.
Lt. Bender
[over the bullhorn]
IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Earl Mott
Really?
Lt. Bender
NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!
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Barbara
So, when do I get out of here?
Sandy
As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.
Barbara
Well what's the problem? What is the ransom?
Sandy
It... it was $500,000.
Barbara
That shouldn't be a problem.
Sandy
He complained
Barbara
He complained?
Sandy
And then we dropped our price to $50,000.
Barbara
Yeah?
Sandy
He didn't pay.
Barbara
He didn't pay? So now what?
Sandy
So now we're dropping our price again to $10,000.
Barbara
Do I understand this correctly? I'm being *marked down*? What is this? The Bargain Basement?
[Starts crying]
Barbara
I've been kidnapped by Kmart!
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[Introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher]
Sam Stone
Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!
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Sam Stone
[answering the phone]
Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done?
[hangs up and laughs]
Sam Stone
I love wrong numbers.
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Barbara
[to Ken about the dead Bedroom Killer]
He said I looked like his mother. He hates his mother. So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father... this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.
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Sandy
I don't think he loves her.
Ken Kessler
Well, let's face it, she's not Mother Teresa. Gandhi would have strangled her.
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Ken Kessler
She's in bad shape, Sam. We've been torturing her.
[He holds the phone to the stove, Sandy presses a tofu-burger, making a sizzling sound]
Barbara
AAAAAH!
[presses again]
Sam Stone
Don't kill her! Don't kill her! I'll pay the ransom!
Ken Kessler
Good, because not only we heard about your legal troubles, we also just found out your wife is worth quite a bit more than ten thousand.
Sam Stone
What do you mean?
Ken Kessler
We just changed our minds since you really now want your wife back, so we've upped the ransom.
Sam Stone
To what?
Ken Kessler
We're up to two million dollars.
Sam Stone
TWO MILLION DOLLARS? Are you out of your fucking mind? Where'd you get an incredible figure like that?
Ken Kessler
Oh, you'd be surprised at the quality and quantity of information a lit cigarette can provide.
[Sandy presses again]
Barbara
AAAAAH!
Ken Kessler
WHAT ELSE?
Barbara
Gems! He's got rare gems in a safe...
[choking]
Barbara
Oh Sam, forgive me!
Ken Kessler
WHAT KIND OF GEMS? HOW MANY?
Barbara
I don't know!
[Sam raises a fist as the sizzling comes again]
Barbara
AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAHHH!
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[first lines]
Sam Stone
Carol, did I ever tell you why I married her?
Carol
Yes, Sam, you told me many, many...
Sam Stone
Her father was very, very rich, and very, very sick. The doctors assured me he'd be dead any minute. There wasn't a second to lose! I rushed right out and married the boss's daughter. He was so sick, it was like the Angel of Death was sitting in the room with him, watching the clock. They pulled the plug on him... he wheezed and shook for about an hour... and then... he stabilized. The son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker. And older, and sicker, and older and sicker...!
Waiter
More coffee, sir?
Sam Stone
No!
[the waiter leaves]
Sam Stone
I couldn't wait any longer, so I went out and made my own fortune. The old fart hung in there for 15 years. Finally died of natural causes. I want the rest of that money! His money, her money, it's my money!
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Ken Kessler
I mean, what the hell's the point of being a decent person when no one is? Let's be assholes and get rich!
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[Ken's getaway car goes off the Santa Monica Pier and sinks]
1st Bystander
Someone help him, he'll drown!
2nd Bystander
The water's way too cold.
3rd Bystander
There's riptides out there.
4th Bystander
I seen sharks.
[the ransom cash floats to the surface]
3rd Bystander
Look there! That's money!
[Everyone jumps in the water]
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[about his wife and his plan to murder her]
Sam Stone
I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman. I - I - I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps.
[Sam imitates a whining nasal sound]
Sam Stone
Ugh! And that filthy little shitbag dog of hers... "Muffy"!
Carol
Aren't you scared?
Sam Stone
Scared? Hell, no. I'm looking FORWARD to it. My only regret, Carol, is that the plan isn't more violent.
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Barbara
[seeing the Donald and Daisy Duck masks Ken and Sandy are wearing]
Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!
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Ken Kessler
Sandy, it's over. Sam isn't going to pay the ransom, he couldn't care less. I'm no criminal. I can't even sell retail, and that's legal!
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Carol
You get that tape of Sam Stone finishing off his wife, and that man will give us anything we want for the rest of his life!
Earl Mott
Yeah! Then we're off to Haiti.
Carol
Not Haiti, Tahiti!
Earl Mott
Oh... I knew that.
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Earl Mott
Did you just shoot at me?
Ken Kessler
No, you moron! There's police all over the place! Hundreds of them!
Earl Mott
Do I look that stupid?
Ken Kessler
Yes, you do!
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Barbara
[on the phone with Sam]
Do you have it all? 2.2 million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills?
[screams]
Barbara
You miserable, scum-sucking pig!
[normal voice]
Barbara
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! They made me say that.
Sam Stone
Yeah, it's all here.
Barbara
And you have it all in a briefcase?
[screams]
Barbara
You scumbag, you low-life motherfucker!
[normal voice]
Barbara
Oh, dear. They made me say that too!
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Ken Kessler
[Barbara has just thrown a lamp at Ken making him drop a serving tray with food on it]
Hey... no dinner for you then.
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[the moment the gag is out of her mouth]
Barbara
YOU'VE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG PERSON! My husband does business with the Mafia! When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever KNEW will all get chainsaw enemas!
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Carol
Either the chief is a complete moron, and complete morons are rare...
[she looks up at Earl Mott, a "complete moron"]
Carol
Or he's playing games with me!
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[trying to sell a new stereo system to a teenage couple... before he realizes they're expecting a baby]
Ken Kessler
Check it out, my man! This is the Dominator X-10. Thirty inches of thigh-slapping, blood-pumping, nuclear brain damage!
Heavy Metal Kid
Bitchin'! Hey, what's it fucking cost?
Ken Kessler
That's the bitchin' part about it! It don't matter! If you can't afford it, FUCKING FINANCE IT!
[turns it on]
Ken Kessler
So what if it's as big as a Subaru and costs as much? You'll never have to trade this in! This is gonna be with you for the rest of your life! And when you die, they can BURY you in it!
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Ken Kessler
I beg your pardon?
Barbara
Nice butt. That's what they'll say on your first day, in the men's club.
Ken Kessler
The men's club?
Barbara
Mmm. The San Quentin Country Club. With a cute little rear end like that, you'll be the belle of the ball. Your dance card'll be filled every day. You'll be so popular, making all kinds of new, close friends. Big, ugly, hairy friends! Not that you'll ever see what they look like, 'cause you'll be facing the other way.
Ken Kessler
You're very good at this. You should write children's books.
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[on finding out that Sam has a mistress and was glad she was kidnapped]
Barbara
I've got it, I tell you, I've got it! Listen to this, all right? Sam arrives on a motorcycle, wearing shorts! No shoes, no shirt, nothing... maybe we'll just put him in a jock strap! Then he has to drive all over town. Sam burns really easily, he'll be bright red in no time!
Ken Kessler
I can't believe this is happening...
Barbara
Then he has to cover himself with honey, and go to a bee farm! We'll make him dance around, so the bees go absolutely nuts!
Ken Kessler
[to Sandy, who looks disturbed]
I don't think she really means it...
Barbara
Then we all watch, while they sting him to death! YEAH!
[she makes kicking and punching motions]
Ken Kessler
Barbara, don't we want something that'll last, something that'll keep stinging him for the rest of his life?
Sandy
My God, he must have been seeing this woman for years...
Barbara
CASTRATE HIM! I want to castrate him!
[she mimes cutting something off with scissors, then tossing it over her shoulder]
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Sandy
[about the kidnapping of Barbara]
I feel terrible about this. Do you feel as guilty as I do?
Ken Kessler
Guilty? Are you kidding me? He takes our money, steals your idea, goes out and makes a million dollars and you feel guilty? I can't believe this! How many times have we been over this?
Sandy
Honey, not again...
Ken Kessler
[pulls out a People magazine with Sam Stone on the cover]
Let me remind you of something. YOU are the spandex mini-skirt king. Not him! He is the spandex mini-skirt thief. He's the one that should feel guilty!
[turns to a page]
Ken Kessler
Look at this! Do you remember this? You cried for a week when you saw this. Look at the smile on that asshole!
Sandy
I know he stole it! But she didn't do anything.
Ken Kessler
She was his partner! Damn it, Sandy! Do you enjoy being stepped on? Do you? Because I don't, and I don't feel guilty.
[after a pause]
Ken Kessler
I take it back. I do feel guilty. I feel very guilty because I trusted a sleazeball named Sam Stone with our life savings on a handshake deal, and then just sat there and watched him take it all away from us!
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Ken Kessler
The Dominator is popular with men who like bigger...
Stereo Store Customer
...equipment?
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Sam Stone
What's this phone call about?
Ken Kessler
We called to make you an offer. An offer even you can't refuse.
Sam Stone
Oh?
Ken Kessler
Yeah, $10,000.
Sam Stone
Fat chance!
Ken Kessler
Mr. Stone, this is no joke! We're desperate people! We...
Sam Stone
I believe this is a joke pal and you're it! The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn't pay. Well, I didn't pay and today I was at the morgue and she wasn't there. You lied to me! You know what I think of you?
Ken Kessler
[beat]
No.
Sam Stone
You got no nuts! What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim and pull your finger down, you spineless wimp? I dare you to kill her!
[Sam hangs up]
Sam Stone
Now that oughta do it.
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[Sam, seeing the police will let Ken go, grabs the briefcase with the ransom money in it]
Ken Kessler
What are you doing? Let go!
[to the police]
Ken Kessler
Tell him to let go! If he doesn't let go I give the order to kill Mrs. Stone!
Sam Stone
Go ahead! Give the order!
Ken Kessler
She's a dead woman if he doesn't!
[Ken lets go of the briefcase when a nearby payphone rings. Sam takes the briefcase and goes to answer the phone]
Lt. Bender
[into the phone]
This is Lieutenant Bender. What are you doing?
Sam Stone
What does it look like? I'm taking back my money! You've got your man. The rest is your problem!
Lt. Bender
Mr. Stone, you may be guilty of obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting a known felon, accomplice to a kidnapping and possibly murder. If you really want to clear yourself, my advice to you is to drop your gun and give him back the bag. We have 140 police officers, 75 police cars and two helicopters. I promise you, he WON'T get away!
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Sam Stone
Whoops! I gotta run. I was hoping we'd have time for a little...
[grunts and thrusts his pelvis]
Sam Stone
poke in the whiskers!
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[Ken is horrified to hear that Sandy has let Barbara go]
Sandy
Kenny, she really, truly loves us now! She can be trusted, she's changed!
Ken Kessler
Changed? What did you do, perform an exorcism?
Sandy
Kenny, she lost nearly twenty pounds!
[He stares at her, uncomprehending]
Sandy
Well, you should have been here. It was a very special moment.
[Suddenly someone pounds on the front door. Both Ken and Sandy look at each other with dread]
Ken Kessler
I'm surprised they knocked.
[while Sandy bolts for the back door, Ken opens the front door to a police officer with a "Wanted" flyer]
Cop with Killer Picture
Good afternoon. I was wondering if you've seen this man. He was sighted in the area a few weeks ago, and again earlier today. He's psychotic, extremely dangerous, and extremely violent. He's killed half a dozen people...
Sandy
[off-screen, panicked after seeing the cop at the door]
Oh no, oh no... I've gotta get out of here!
Ken Kessler
[forcing a smile]
My wife... she's late for work.
[glances at the flyer]
Ken Kessler
Doesn't look familiar.
Cop with Killer Picture
[gives him the flyer]
Well, keep this and give us a call at that number if you do see him. And under no conditions should you try to subdue him yourself. Like I said, he's extremely violent.
Ken Kessler
He looks it. Thank you very much, Officer!
[the officer smiles and leaves. Ken waits until he is out of sight, then bolts for the back yard, where Sandy is trying to climb over the fence]
Ken Kessler
[whispering]
Sandy! It's okay, it's okay! They're looking for somebody else.
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Ken Kessler
Apparently, you have over a million-two built up in equity on Sam's Sportswear, another three hundred fifty thousand in your pension plan, General Dynamics closed at seventy five and three fourths today which brings another hundred and seventy five thousand to the party, forty five thousand for the Excalibur and now there's the four one caret diamonds in the safe.
Sam Stone
YOU INHUMAN SLIME!
[hangs up]
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[as bystanders jump off the Santa Monica Pier to grab the ransom money floating up]
Sam Stone
You can't do that! That's not your money! That's my money!
[grabs a nearby police officer]
Sam Stone
STOP 'EM!
[throws him off the pier and into the bay]
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Sandy
No matter what I do, there's nothing I can say... she just tears into me! She hates me.
Ken Kessler
Sandy, you're her kidnapper. She's *supposed* to hate you.
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Ken Kessler
We've got to be ruthless. Think ruthless.
Sandy
What if I can't think ruthless?
Ken Kessler
You've got to. It's good for you. It makes you strong. I mean, what the hell's the sense of being a decent person when nobody else is?
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[Sam is on the phone to an attack-dog company]
Sam Stone
Yes, your attack dogs. Do they just attack people or can you get them to attack little dogs?
[listening]
Sam Stone
Well, what if you starve them for a while?
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[Detective Walters notices a puddle on the floor of the mansion and takes a taste. Sam quickly explains]
Sam Stone
It's the dog. She's not properly house-trained.
[the other policemen look disgusted]
Lt. Walters
No. It's sweet.
Sam Stone
The dog's a little diabetic.
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Barbara
It could mean the difference between life... and the chair!
[makes electrocution sound]
Barbara
Or the gas chamber.
[makes hissing and gasping sounds]
Barbara
Sometimes it's the firing squad. They miss *all* the major arteries... BANG!
[acts like she's been shot]
Barbara
And you don't die right away, you just lie there bleeding... and bleeding... and *bleeding*...
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Ken Kessler
[voice]
Mr. Stone, listen very carefully. We have kidnapped your wife. We have no qualms about killing her and we'll do so at the slightest provocation. Do you understand?
Sam Stone
Who the hell is this? Is this some kind of a joke?
Ken Kessler
[voice]
I have no patience for stupid questions, Mr. Stone, and I don't like repeating myself! Do you understand?
Ken Kessler
[voice]
You are to obtain a new, black, American Tourister briefcase, Model Number 8-1-0-4. Do you understand?
Sam Stone
Yes.
Ken Kessler
[voice]
In it, you will place $500,000 in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered $100 bills. Do you understand?
Sam Stone
Sure.
[as the conversation goes on, a smile appears on Sam's face, and gets wider and wider...]
Ken Kessler
[voice]
Monday morning at 11:00 a.m., you will proceed with case in hand to Hope Street Plaza, and wait for a phone to ring. You will receive further instructions then. Do you understand?
Sam Stone
Yes, I do.
Ken Kessler
[voice]
You will be watched at all phases of execution. If you fail to appear at the designated time, or if any phase is not carried out to our complete satisfaction, it will be considered an infraction of the rules, and your wife will be killed. Do you understand?
Sam Stone
I believe so.
Ken Kessler
[voice]
If you notify the police, your wife will be killed. If you notify the media, she will be killed. If you deviate from our instructions in any way whatsoever, she will be killed. Do you understand?
[Sam's grin is about to split his face open]
Sam Stone
Perfectly.
[Cut to later, outside the Stone mansion, as fleets of police cars and news vans pull up!]
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Ken Kessler
Wouldn't it be better if we were to strike at the core of Sam's being? His reason for living?
Sandy
Well, what would that be?
Barbara
HIS TESTICLES!
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Barbara
[about the basement she is being held in]
Jeeeeeesus CHRIST! IT SMELLS LIKE A TOILET IN HERE!
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Policeman
Sam Stone, you're under arrest.
Sam Stone
For mixing cotton with silk?
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Sam Stone
I fed em a banquet of bullshit. I threw 'em off by miles!
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Chief Henry Benton
I like to hear a woman make a lot of sound.
Hooker in Car
Yeah? Well, I'll scream my head off if you want to, honey. It's your money.
Chief Henry Benton
Yeah, my wife just lays there like a gunny sack!
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Sam Stone
I'm not asking you to screw the dog, Carol. It's for me!
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[Barbara has been kidnaped]
Barbara
My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*!
[Cut to Sam Stone noisily popping a bottle of champagne]
Sam Stone
Bye-bye, Barbara!
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Sam Stone
Hello?
Ken Kessler
All right, Mr. Stone. We came very close to killing your wife. But she begged us, repeatedly, for just one more chance. So in the spirit of compassion and mercy, we decided not to kill her just yet.
Sam Stone
"Compassion and mercy?" What the hell's going on over there? I thought you people were ruthless!
Ken Kessler
We are, Mr. Stone!
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Ken Kessler
[watching TV]
It's on every goddamn channel! What did he do? Hire a publicist?
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