The Jerk Movie Quotes
Mother
Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson
I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
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Navin R. Johnson
Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson
And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson
The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson
I don't need my dog.
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[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]
Navin R. Johnson
He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
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[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]
Navin R. Johnson
I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
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Grandma Johnson
[reading a letter from Navin]
My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty has promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin.
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Mother
Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
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[first lines]
Navin R. Johnson
Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
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Truck Driver Picking Up Navin
St. Louis?
Navin R. Johnson
No, Navin Johnson.
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[Stan Fox's eyeglasses keep slipping off]
Stan Fox
Damn these glasses son.
Navin R. Johnson
Yes, sir.
[to the glasses]
Navin R. Johnson
I damn thee.
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[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson
You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson
"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
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Navin R. Johnson
Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie
Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson
What was it?
Marie
"The Way We Were."
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[Marie, back at Navin's trailer...]
Navin R. Johnson
Can I ask you a personal question?
Marie
What is it?
Navin R. Johnson
Now be totally honest: you do have a boyfriend, don't you?
Marie
Kind of...
Navin R. Johnson
I know this is our first date but... do you think, the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie
Well, I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson
That's too bad... Do you think it's possible that someday, you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie
Who knows, maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson
I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.
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[Navin receives some farewell advice]
Mother
And remember: the Lord loves a working man.
Navin R. Johnson
Lord loves a working man.
Father
And Son: don't never ever trust whitey.
Navin R. Johnson
Don't trust whitey. Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey.
Mother
And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for...
Navin R. Johnson
I will, Ma... I know it's out there.
Taj Jonson
It's out there alright. And if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson
See a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj Jonson
Good luck.
Navin R. Johnson
Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
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Navin R. Johnson
For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
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Navin R. Johnson
First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
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New Accounts Bank Manager
I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson
Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.
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Navin R. Johnson
The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Hartounian
Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson
Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper
Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.
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Navin R. Johnson
Are you a model?
Marie
No. I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson
Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough handling the weightlessness.
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Navin R. Johnson
[Navin's first hitchhike from home]
Navin R. Johnson
I'm hitchhiking.
Farm Boy
How far you goin'?
Navin R. Johnson
St. Louis. How far you going?
Farm Boy
To the end of this fence.
Navin R. Johnson
...OK!
[Navin enthusiastically jumps in and introduces himself]
Navin R. Johnson
I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Farm Boy
Here we are!
Navin R. Johnson
OK!
[Navin jumps out]
Navin R. Johnson
... Thanks for the company!
[Navin's family hears him say]
Navin R. Johnson
I hope I can repay you someday!
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Navin R. Johnson
[singing]
I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
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Marie
I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff.
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[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson
Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
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Motel Guest
Don't call that dog "lifesaver;" call him "shithead."
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Navin R. Johnson
Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
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Sniper
EVERYDAY RANDOM SON OF A BITCH! TAKE THAT YOU RUN OF THE MILL BASTARD! DIE GAS PUMPER!
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Navin R. Johnson
The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube
Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?
Navin R. Johnson
Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
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Navin R. Johnson
I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
Marie
I don't wanna puke.
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Sniper
HEY! HE'S NOT CARNIVAL PERSONNEL!
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Taj Jonson
Hey! Any of you bums heard of Navin R. Johnson?
Navin R. Johnson
I've heard of him.
Taj Jonson
Born in Mississippi? Inventor of the Opti-grab?
Navin R. Johnson
I was just telling these guys!
Mother
Navin!
Navin R. Johnson
Mommy, Daddy! How did you find me?
Father
We don't know. This is the first place we looked.
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Carl Reiner
Let me show you a clip from my latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling "cut" at the right time.
[on a movie set, just as a car plummets off a cliff, Reiner yells]
Carl Reiner
Cut!
[but it's too late, and the car explodes at the bottom of the cliff; back to the press conference]
Carl Reiner
If I had yelled "cut" on time, those actors would be alive today.
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Sniper
Die, you random son of a bitch.
[shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans]
Navin R. Johnson
He hates these cans!
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Patty Bernstein
Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin R. Johnson
What about germs?
Patty Bernstein
Put a rubber on it.
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[Navin's first gas station customers: three Hispanic men pull up in a low-rider, flexing their shocks]
Navin R. Johnson
I can fix those shocks.
Punk #1
No, no. We just want some gas, muchacho.
Navin R. Johnson
OK, but its Sunday, so we gotta have a credit card.
Punk #1
Hey Jerry, we got a credit card in there?
[Punks nervously search for a credit card in stolen purses they previously snatched]
Punk
Mastercharge too?
Navin R. Johnson
Ya, that's fine. We take Mastercharge... Wanna fill-up, uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?
Punk
Oh, I'm MR. Nussbaum.
Punk #1
Ya, that's his wife's card.
Navin R. Johnson
Wife's card, huh?
Punk #1
Ya, I'll vouch for him.
Navin R. Johnson
OK! As long as we have a voucher!
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Navin R. Johnson
[bleakly]
I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty
Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson
Ah... It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
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Navin R. Johnson
[On a beach at night. Marvin is playing the ukulele, him and Marie are singing]
I know, I know, You belong to someone new, But tonight, you belong to me. Although, although, We're apart, you're part of my heart, And tonight, you belong to me. Way down by the stream, How sweet it would seem, Once more just to breathe in the moonlight my honey... I know, I know, With the dawn, that you will be gone, But tonight, you belong to me. Just little ol' me.
[Marie brings out a coroner, she plays a solo, then the song ends]
Navin R. Johnson
You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube,and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie
Why didn't you?
Navin R. Johnson
I didn't want to get spit on me.
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[Navin, struggling as a weight guesser at SJM Fiesta Shows]
Navin R. Johnson
For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex! The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube
Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what'I win?
Navin R. Johnson
Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here... Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses... Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles... Anything in this three inches... Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
Carnival Rube
No sir! C'mon honey; he thought he had himself a rube.
[Navin dejectedly confides to his boss, Frosty]
Navin R. Johnson
Boss, I'm just no good at this.
Frosty
Ah, c'mon Navin, you're doing fine.
Navin R. Johnson
I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty
Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap! Which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson
Ah... It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
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Navin R. Johnson
[upset about the escargot entre]
First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the food, two boobs!
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[Navin at Patty's trailer...]
Patty Bernstein
You know what I'd like to do?
Navin R. Johnson
What?
Patty Bernstein
Guess your weight.
Navin R. Johnson
Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess MY weight. You see, I guess their weight, so it would be sort of a...
Patty Bernstein
Put your arms up.
Navin R. Johnson
This will give me a whole other perspective on this...
[Patty begins squeezing his backside]
Navin R. Johnson
Hey, you're really trying to be accurate... Is it getting hot in here?... Wait a minute! What's happening to my special purpose?
Patty Bernstein
What's your special purpose?
Navin R. Johnson
Well, when I was a kid my mom told me THAT was my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!
Patty Bernstein
Today's the day!
[Whole trailer shaking as Patty "deflowers" Navin]
Navin R. Johnson
Hey, this is like a ride!
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Navin R. Johnson
These hoodlums are dangerous. I think we oughta get out of here before she sees us.
Marie
She?
Navin R. Johnson
What?
Marie
You said she.
Navin R. Johnson
No! No! I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she", or a hurricane "she".
Marie
Or a girl?
Navin R. Johnson
A girl, you can call a girl she, that's just one of the many things you can call she.
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Navin R. Johnson
What's that?
Patty Bernstein
Guess *your* weight.
[starts squeezing on him everywhere]
Navin R. Johnson
Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!
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Marie
You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin R. Johnson
Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down.
Marie
Good pizza.
[the two are eating pizza in a cup]
Navin R. Johnson
Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.
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[Navin writing out settlement checks...]
Navin R. Johnson
Pay to the order of... Mrs. Wilbur Starks... one dollar
[Movers remove a table from house]
Navin R. Johnson
AND NINE CENTS!... Pay to the order of... Iron Balls McGinty... one dollar
[Marie enters room]
Navin R. Johnson
AND NINE CENTS!...
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Stan Fox
You know, I make a pretty good living selling sh** like this!
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Navin R. Johnson
For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
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Patty Bernstein
[belches]
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Navin R. Johnson
Now, Marie is a type a person that if you gotta...
Patty Bernstein
[interrupting]
If this gash doesn't get her buns outta here I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!
Navin R. Johnson
...while Patty tends to be more direct.
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Hobart
Sir, there are charity people here to see you.
Navin R. Johnson
What? Send them away. There are plenty of people more deserving than me!
Hobart
But these people want *you* to give, sir.
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[last lines]
Navin R. Johnson
[voiceover]
I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.
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