My Cousin Vinny 1992 - Movie Quotes

Mona Lisa Vito You're goin' hunting?

Vinny Gambini That's right.

Mona Lisa Vito Why are you going hunting? Shouldn't you be out preparing for court?

Vinny Gambini I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he'd let me look at his files; oh boy.

Mona Lisa Vito I don't get it. What does getting to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?

Vinny Gambini Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It's a bonding thing, you know; show him I'm one of the boys. He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of him.

[Vinny searches through his clothes]

Vinny Gambini What am I gonna wear?

Mona Lisa Vito What are ya gonna hunt?

Vinny Gambini I don't know. He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office.

Mona Lisa Vito Heads?

[Vinny looks up at Lisa]

Mona Lisa Vito What kinda heads?

Vinny Gambini I don't know, he's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer.

Mona Lisa Vito Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?

Vinny Gambini I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man, I could go deer hunting.

Mona Lisa Vito A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.

Vinny Gambini Hey Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me, would you rather have that?

[Lisa gets up, walks over to the bathroom and shuts the door]

Vinny Gambini What about these pants I got on, you think they're O.K.?

[Vinny looks down]

Vinny Gambini Oh!

Mona Lisa Vito [comes out of the bathroom] Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

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Vinny Gambini It is possible that the two yutes...

Judge Chamberlain Haller Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?

Vinny Gambini Uh... what word?

Judge Chamberlain Haller Two what?

Vinny Gambini What?

Judge Chamberlain Haller Uh... did you say "yutes"?

Vinny Gambini Yeah, two yutes.

Judge Chamberlain Haller What is a yute?

Vinny Gambini [beating] Oh, excuse me, your honor...

Vinny Gambini [in an exaggerated manner] Two *youths*.

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Jim Trotter III Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?

Mona Lisa Vito It's a bullshit question.

Jim Trotter III Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Mona Lisa Vito It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.

Jim Trotter III Impossible because you don't know the answer!

Mona Lisa Vito Nobody could answer that question!

Jim Trotter III Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!

Judge Chamberlain Haller Can you answer the question?

Mona Lisa Vito No, it is a trick question!

Judge Chamberlain Haller Why is it a trick question?

Vinny Gambini [to Bill] Watch this.

Mona Lisa Vito 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.

Jim Trotter III Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

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Mona Lisa Vito The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!

Vinny Gambini And why not? What is positraction?

Mona Lisa Vito It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.

Juror #1 That's right.

Vinny Gambini Is that it?

Mona Lisa Vito No, there's more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Vinny Gambini And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?

Mona Lisa Vito They were!

Vinny Gambini Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very, very much.

[kissing her hands]

Vinny Gambini You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

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Vinny Gambini Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up in a similar -

[Seeing Mr. Tipton shake his head no]

Vinny Gambini Don't shake your head, I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing, so you can understand this, now. Two different men drive up in a similar-looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?

Mr. Tipton No. They didn't have enough time.

Vinny Gambini Well, how much time was they in the store?

Mr. Tipton Five minutes.

Vinny Gambini Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?

Mr. Tipton No.

Vinny Gambini Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right, I'm sorry. So, obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.

Mr. Tipton That's right.

Vinny Gambini Right, so you knew that. Uh, do you remember what you had?

Mr. Tipton Eggs and grits.

Vinny Gambini Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?

Mr. Tipton Just regular, I guess.

Vinny Gambini Regular. Instant grits?

Mr. Tipton No self-respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.

Vinny Gambini So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?

Mr. Tipton [a bit panicky] I don't know. I'm a fast cook, I guess.

Vinny Gambini I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook? That's it?

[Mr. Tipton nods in embarrassment]

Vinny Gambini Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the earth?

Mr. Tipton I don't know.

Vinny Gambini Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

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Vinny Gambini What's the matter with you?

Mona Lisa Vito I don't know.

Vinny Gambini You're acting like you're nervous or something.

Mona Lisa Vito Well, yeah. I am.

Vinny Gambini What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Mona Lisa Vito You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.

Vinny Gambini You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Mona Lisa Vito Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny Gambini And?

Mona Lisa Vito Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, *ten years later*, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is...

[taps her foot]

Mona Lisa Vito ...*ticking like this* and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.

Vinny Gambini Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, *and* a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your...

[Vinny taps his foot]

Vinny Gambini ...*biological clock* - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more *shit* we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?

Mona Lisa Vito [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

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Vinny Gambini Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?

[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]

Judge Chamberlain Haller Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Mona Lisa Vito No, I hate him.

Vinny Gambini Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Mona Lisa Vito You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Do you two know each other?

Vinny Gambini Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

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Vinny Gambini [opening statements] Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.

Jim Trotter III Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement... with the exception of "thank you"... will be stricken from the record.

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Vinny Gambini Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants, were you wearing your glasses?

Constance Riley Yes, I was.

Vinny Gambini [pointing upward in Mrs. Riley not looking in his direction] Over here, dear. Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?

Vinny Gambini [stumbling a bit from staring into Mrs. Riley's eyes through her very thick glasses] Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?

Constance Riley Since I was six.

Vinny Gambini Have they always been that thick?

Constance Riley Oh, no. They've gotten thicker over the years.

Vinny Gambini So, as your eyes have gotten more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many different levels of thickness have you gone through?

Constance Riley Oh, I don't know, over sixty years, maybe ten times.

Vinny Gambini Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.

Constance Riley Oh no. I think they're okay.

Vinny Gambini Maybe we should make sure. Let's check it out.

Vinny Gambini [grabbing a tape measure from his desk and bringing it over to Mrs. Riley] Now, how far away were the defendants from you when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?

Constance Riley About a hundred feet.

Vinny Gambini A hundred feet.

Vinny Gambini [handing Mrs. Riley the end of the tape measure] Would you mind holding this, please? Thank you.

Vinny Gambini [making his way through the crowd to the courtroom door] Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry, sorry. Okay, this is fifty feet, that's half the distance.

[Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand]

Vinny Gambini How many fingers am I holding up?

[Mrs. Riley is squinting, trying to see the fingers]

Judge Chamberlain Haller Let the record know that the counselor is holding up two fingers.

Vinny Gambini [annoyed] Your Honor, please, huh?

Judge Chamberlain Haller Oh, sorry.

Vinny Gambini Now. Mrs. Riley, and *only* Mrs. Riley...

[Judge Chamberlain gives Vinny a dirty look. Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand again]

Vinny Gambini How many fingers am I holding up now?

Constance Riley [squinting, trying to see the fingers] Four.

Vinny Gambini [coming back to Mrs. Riley amid the courtroom rumbling in she getting the number wrong] What do you think now, dear?

Constance Riley Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses.

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Vinny Gambini I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.

[there is a short pause as Judge Haller appears caught off-guard by Vinny's sudden competence with knowledge of the law]

Judge Chamberlain Haller Mr. Gambini?

Vinny Gambini Yes, sir?

Judge Chamberlain Haller That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.

Vinny Gambini Thank you, Your Honor.

Judge Chamberlain Haller [in a firm tone] Overruled.

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Vinny Gambini Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defence, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defence's case holds water?

[Lisa examines the picture]

Vinny Gambini Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defence's case hold water?

Mona Lisa Vito No! The defence is wrong!

Vinny Gambini Are you sure?

Mona Lisa Vito I'm positive.

Vinny Gambini How could you be so sure?

Mona Lisa Vito Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Jim Trotter III Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?

Judge Chamberlain Haller [to Lisa] This is your opinion?

Mona Lisa Vito It's a fact!

Vinny Gambini I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!

Mona Lisa Vito Would you like me to explain?

Vinny Gambini I would *love* to hear this!

Judge Chamberlain Haller So would I!

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Vinny Gambini [to the jury] Hey, how ya doin'?

Vinny Gambini [to the witness] Mr. Crane, what are these pictures of?

Ernie Crane My house and stuff.

Vinny Gambini House and stuff. And what is this brown stuff on your window?

Ernie Crane Dirt.

Vinny Gambini Dirt. And what is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing that's covering your window?

Ernie Crane That's a screen.

Vinny Gambini A screen! It's a screen. And what are these really big things that are right in the middle of your view of the Sac-o-Suds and your kitchen window, what do we call these big things?

Ernie Crane Trees?

Vinny Gambini Trees, that's right. Don't be afraid, just shout 'em right out when you know 'em. And what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?

Ernie Crane Leaves.

Vinny Gambini And these big bushy things between the trees.

Ernie Crane Bushes.

Vinny Gambini Bushes. So, Mr. Crane, you can positively identify the defendants, for a moment of two seconds, looking through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, all of these trees, with all of these leaves on them, and I don't know how many bushes.

Ernie Crane Looks like five.

Vinny Gambini Uh, uh, uh, don't forget this one and this one.

Ernie Crane Seven bushes!

Vinny Gambini Seven bushes. So, what do you think? Isn't it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible and not necessarily these two particular guys?

Ernie Crane I suppose.

Vinny Gambini I'm finished with this guy.

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Vinny Gambini [hearing a drip in the motel bathroom] Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

Mona Lisa Vito So?

Vinny Gambini Well, did you use the faucet?

Mona Lisa Vito Yeah.

Vinny Gambini Then why didn'tcha turn it off?

Mona Lisa Vito I *did* turn it off!

Vinny Gambini Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Mona Lisa Vito Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off *and* drip at the same time?

Vinny Gambini No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!

Mona Lisa Vito Maybe it's broken.

Vinny Gambini Is that what you're saying? It's broken?

Mona Lisa Vito Yeah. That's it, it's broken.

Vinny Gambini You sure?

Mona Lisa Vito I'm positive.

Vinny Gambini Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

Mona Lisa Vito I twisted it just right.

Vinny Gambini How could you be so sure?

Mona Lisa Vito [sighs] If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of ten to sixteen foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny Gambini Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?

Mona Lisa Vito Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.

Vinny Gambini Well, in that case, how can you be sure *that's* accurate?

Mona Lisa Vito Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state *and* federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead on balls accurate!

Mona Lisa Vito [ripping a page out of a magazine and hands it to him] Here's the certificate of validation.

Vinny Gambini Dead on balls accurate?

Mona Lisa Vito It's an industry term.

Vinny Gambini [tosses the paper away] I guess the fucking thing is broken.

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Mona Lisa Vito [Vinny looks at her funny] What?

Vinny Gambini Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.

Mona Lisa Vito Me? What about you?

Vinny Gambini I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Mona Lisa Vito Oh yeah, you blend.

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Judge Chamberlain Haller I don't like your attitude.

Vinny Gambini So what else is new?

Judge Chamberlain Haller I'm holding you in contempt of court.

Vinny Gambini [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.

Judge Chamberlain Haller What did you say? What did you just say?

Vinny Gambini Huh? What did I say?

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Vinny Gambini I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.

J.T. How 'bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny Gambini Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

J.T. Over my dead body.

Vinny Gambini You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well, here's my counter-offer... Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?

J.T. In your dreams.

Vinny Gambini Oh, no, no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

J.T. [in disbelief] You kick the shit out of me.

Vinny Gambini Yeah.

J.T. Yeah. You get the money.

Vinny Gambini So, here are my options. Option A: I get my ass kicked, or Option B: I kick your ass and collect the two hundred. I think I'm gonna go with Option B: Kickin' your ass and collecting two hundred dollars.

[Vinny takes off his jacket]

J.T. We're gonna fight now?

Vinny Gambini Yeah. But first, show me the money.

J.T. I have it.

Vinny Gambini You have it, then show it to me.

J.T. [pause] I can get it.

Vinny Gambini You can get it? Okay, get it. Then we'll fight.

[Vinny takes his jacket from Lisa]

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Vinny Gambini [the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?

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Vinny Gambini [about his secondhand suit, which has an 18th-century look and is red] I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Are you on drugs?

Vinny Gambini No. I don't do drugs.

Judge Chamberlain Haller I don't like your attitude.

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Mona Lisa Vito What name did you tell him?

Vinny Gambini Jerry Gallo.

Mona Lisa Vito Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.

Vinny Gambini Yeah.

Mona Lisa Vito Think that was a smart move?

Vinny Gambini Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.

Mona Lisa Vito His name was in the papers all last week.

Vinny Gambini Yeah, I saw that.

Mona Lisa Vito But you didn't actually read the articles.

Vinny Gambini No.

Mona Lisa Vito Too bad.

Vinny Gambini Why's that?

Mona Lisa Vito 'Cause he's dead.

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Vinny Gambini [Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him] Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other. Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Stan Rothenstein Gee thanks.

Vinny Gambini Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan Rothenstein You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Gambini Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.

Stan Rothenstein I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Gambini I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!

Stan Rothenstein That's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny Gambini What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan Rothenstein I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny Gambini That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

Bill Gambini [after Vinny wakes him up] Vinny. Vinny bag o' donuts.

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Bill Gambini We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.

Stan Rothenstein The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

Stan Rothenstein [as a deputy glares at him for the previous statement] Some of them do.

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Vinny Gambini [Vinny and Lisa receive their breakfast orders, Vinny looks at his skeptically] What's this over here?

Grits Cook You never heard of grits?

Vinny Gambini Sure, I've heard of grits. I just never actually *seen* a grit before.

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Vinny Gambini [Trotter asks Vinny how he became a lawyer] Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

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Mona Lisa Vito So what's your problem?

Vinny Gambini My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Mona Lisa Vito Well, I guess that plan's moot.

Vinny Gambini Yeah.

Mona Lisa Vito You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "Thank you."

[pause]

Mona Lisa Vito Oh, my God, what a fucking nightmare!

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Judge Chamberlain Haller How do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini Er, my clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.

Judge Chamberlain Haller What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny Gambini No. I'm just trying to explain...

Judge Chamberlain Haller [cutting him off] I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has its procedure. And that procedure at this point in time is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny Gambini Uh, yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here...

Judge Chamberlain Haller Mr. Gambini...

[the Judge motions for Vinny to approach the bench]

Vinny Gambini My clients, er...

Judge Chamberlain Haller [in Vinny approaching the bench] All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny Gambini But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

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Bill Gambini At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?

Stan Rothenstein The magician with the ponytail?

Bill Gambini Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

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Vinny Gambini Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?

[Vinny puts his hand on the wall]

Bill Gambini Right.

Vinny Gambini [holding up a playing card, with the face toward Billy] Let me show you something. He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.

Vinny Gambini [turning the card, so that its edge is toward Billy] When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

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Stan Rothenstein Why didn't you ask them any questions?

Vinny Gambini Huh? Ask who questions?

Bill Gambini The witnesses! You know you could have asked questions, didn't you, Vin?

Stan Rothenstein Damn it, Vinny! Maybe if you'd put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!

Vinny Gambini Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol' boy. There is no way this is not going to trial!

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Vinny Gambini Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?

Sheriff Farley On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.

Vinny Gambini Is that it?

Sheriff Farley No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.

Vinny Gambini Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?

Sheriff Farley .357 Magnum.

Vinny Gambini The defense rests.

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Judge Chamberlain Haller Mr. Gambini, the next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. I don't want to hear any facts or evidence. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat to speak. Now, how do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini [intimidated, but the words go right past him] I think I get the point.

Judge Chamberlain Haller No, I don't think you do. Now you're officially in contempt of court! Would you like to say something else and go for two counts of contempt of court?

Vinny Gambini Not guilty?

Judge Chamberlain Haller Thank you. Not guilty plea has been entered for the record. Probable cause hearing will begin tomorrow at noon. Bail for both defendants will be set at $200,000. Oh and bailiff, take Mr. Gambini into custody with them... and set his bail at $200 for one count of contempt of court.

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J.T. Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.

Vinny Gambini What is it?

J.T. Two hundred dollars.

Vinny Gambini Bring it here, let me see it.

Vinny Gambini [as J.T. presents a roll of bills] How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?

J.T. [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.

Vinny Gambini Fan it out, show it to me.

Vinny Gambini [as J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket] Yeah, right.

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Vinny Gambini It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're fucked. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

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Bill Gambini You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

Stan Rothenstein My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.

Bill Gambini Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.

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Vinny Gambini I won my first case, you know what this means...

Mona Lisa Vito Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you.

Vinny Gambini What, now you're not gonna marry me?

Mona Lisa Vito No way. You can't even win a case by yourself, you're fuckin' useless.

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Stan Rothenstein [to Gibbons] You're fired!

Stan Rothenstein [further to Gibbons after seeing Vinny demolish the first witness, and standing and pointing to Vinny] I want *him*!

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Vinny Gambini Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?

Hotel Clerk No, sir, it's very unusual.

Vinny Gambini [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.

Hotel Clerk I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

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Mona Lisa Vito [angrily] What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?

Vinny Gambini I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's a procedure. I'm learning all this as I go along. I'm bound to fuck up a little.

Mona Lisa Vito A little? You've been thrown in jail twice!

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Vinny Gambini My clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller What are you wearing?

Vinny Gambini Huh?

Judge Chamberlain Haller What are you wearing?

Vinny Gambini [wearing a black leather jacket] Um... I'm wearing clothes.

[the Judge angrily stares ominously at Vinny]

Vinny Gambini I... I don't get the question.

Judge Chamberlain Haller When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!

Vinny Gambini I apologise, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Fine. I'll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?

Vinny Gambini [not comprehending] Uh... yes. Fine, Judge, fine.

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Vinny Gambini Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?

George Wilbur Very impressive.

Vinny Gambini She's cute too, huh?

George Wilbur Yes, very.

[there is laughter in the courtroom]

Judge Chamberlain Haller Mr. Gambini...

Vinny Gambini Sorry, Your Honor.

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Vinny Gambini I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse!

Mona Lisa Vito You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit!

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Vinny Gambini [answering the phone] Hello?

Jim Trotter III [into the phone] You did good out there today, Yankee. I like the competition. You like competition, too? Makes things kinds fun, doesn't it?

Vinny Gambini I'm enjoying myself so far.

Jim Trotter III Well, I got a little surprise for you tomorrow.

Vinny Gambini What is it? You know you have to disclose all of your evidence to me before presenting it at trial.

Jim Trotter III I just got it myself tonight. I'll disclose it first thing in the morning. The Judge is gonna have to admit it.

Vinny Gambini Should I be worried?

Jim Trotter III I sure would be if I were you.

Vinny Gambini [hanging up the phone then addressing Lisa] Hey, Honey. Where'd you read about all that disclosure shit?

Mona Lisa Vito Here, let me show ya. Why?

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[Trotter is making his preliminary remarks to the jury]

Jim Trotter III You're the jury. It's your job to decide who's telling the truth. Truth. That's what 'verdict' means. It's a word comes down from Old England and all our little old ancestors.

[an African-American woman on the jury looks at him in disbelief]

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Vinny Gambini Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah! These *are* gonna be - you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That's it!

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Mona Lisa Vito [talking to townsman] Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

Vinny Gambini You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?

Mona Lisa Vito Yeah, well, what are you, a fucking world traveler?

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Jim Trotter III Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?

Mona Lisa Vito I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.

Jim Trotter III An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?

Mona Lisa Vito It doesn't.

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Mona Lisa Vito Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?

Vinny Gambini I told you why already.

Mona Lisa Vito He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises.

Mona Lisa Vito [as Vinny has a blank look on his face] They didn't teach you that in law school either?

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John Gibbons Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses.

Mr. Tipton Yes I do.

John Gibbons Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?

Mr. Tipton No.

John Gibbons Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses.

Mr. Tipton They're reading glasses.

John Gibbons [after long pause] Um Mr., Um... Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?

Mr. Tipton [after quick glance] Brown and hazel green.

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Mona Lisa Vito Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.

Vinny Gambini No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

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Vinny Gambini Mr. Tipton. When you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-o-Suds, what angle was your point of view?

Mr. Tipton They was kinda walking toward me when they entered the store.

Vinny Gambini And when they left, what angle was your point of view?

Mr. Tipton They was kinda walking away from me.

Vinny Gambini So would you say you got a better shot of them goin' in and not so much comin' out?

Mr. Tipton You could say that.

Vinny Gambini I did say that. Would *you* say that?

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Judge Chamberlain Haller I tell you this, because I want you to know that, when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.

Vinny Gambini You should.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.

Vinny Gambini I shouldn't. I don't expect to get special treatment, your honor.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Good. You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.

[the Judge takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]

Judge Chamberlain Haller Now, I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.

[the Judge drops the book before Vinny]

Judge Chamberlain Haller You willing to accept those terms?

Vinny Gambini Sure. No problem.

[Vinny quickly leafs through the book]

Vinny Gambini Just this? Ha ha.

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Stan Rothenstein The laws are medieval down here. Do you know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?

Bill Gambini What, sixteen?

Stan Rothenstein Ten!

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Judge Chamberlain Haller Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?

Vinny Gambini [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller Don't talk to me sitting in that chair!

Vinny Gambini But he...

[points to bailiff]

Vinny Gambini told me to sit here.

Judge Chamberlain Haller When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.

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Mona Lisa Vito [In the diner after being woken at 5 AM and staring at the menu where the options are simply 'breakfast', 'lunch', and 'dinner'] Breakfast?

Vinny Gambini You think? Uh, good choice. Two.

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Bill Gambini We should get tuna.

Stan Rothenstein Please, no more tuna.

Bill Gambini It has protein, we need protein.

Stan Rothenstein Beans have protein.

Bill Gambini Beans make you fart.

Stan Rothenstein We got a convertible.

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Vinny Gambini [to the judge, following an argument about Vinny's casual clothing] You were serious about that?

[the next shot cuts straight to Vinny behind bars]

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Vinny Gambini [to the guy in a neck brace, in hope of picking up a client] Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?

Neckbrace My place.

Vinny Gambini Shit.

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J.T. Hey there, little Yankee wuss! Look here, got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?

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Vinny Gambini [Bill keeps trying to thank Vinny, but just runs out of words and hugs him] Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

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[repeated line]

Vinny Gambini What the fuck is that?

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Mona Lisa Vito Support? Is that what you want? I'm sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge... ooh you are a smooth talker. You are... you are!

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Mona Lisa Vito I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.

Vinny Gambini Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?

Mona Lisa Vito Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

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Vinny Gambini How the fuck did I get into this shit?

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Vinny Gambini This fucking jacket!

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Bill Gambini [after hearing that he was being accused of murder] Whoa! Wait a minute!

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Bill Gambini Uh oh. His lights are on.

Stan Rothenstein Fuck. Fuck. Goddammit. Fuck.

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Judge Chamberlain Haller A little informal, aren't we?

Vinny Gambini [embarassed] I was just...

Judge Chamberlain Haller Not wearing a coat or tie?

Vinny Gambini Ah, sorry.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Well, approving an attorney from out of state is a pretty informal matter. I just have a few questions.

Vinny Gambini Okay, fire away, judge.

Judge Chamberlain Haller Any murder cases?

Vinny Gambini Yeah, lots. Quite a few.

Judge Chamberlain Haller What was the outcome?

Vinny Gambini Ah, you know, win some, lose some.

Judge Chamberlain Haller This is not the forum to be cavalier.

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Bailiff All rise as the judge leaves.

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Stan Rothenstein If this was a conspiracy, they would have to get all these people to lie.

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Man in Town Square We're famous for our mud.

Mona Lisa Vito Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

Vinny Gambini [as man walks away shaking his head] You just keep askin' about Chinese food. Can't you tell they don't have Chinese restaurants around here? You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist. Come on.

Mona Lisa Vito What are you, a fuckin' world traveller?

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Vinny Gambini What's most important is winning in the case and I could do it I could. Let me show you how.

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Jim Trotter III Trotter: Out of work hairdresser. Now in what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?

Mona Lisa Vito Ms. Vito: It doesn't.

Jim Trotter III Trotter: Well in what way are you qualified?

Mona Lisa Vito Ms. Vito: Well my father was a mechanic. His father was a mechanic. My mothers father was a mechanic. My three brothers are mechanics. Four uncles on my fatherside are mechanics...

Jim Trotter III Trotter: Miss Vito, your family is obviously qualified. But have you ever worked as a mechanic?

Mona Lisa Vito Ms. Vito: Yeah, in my fathers garage, yeah.

Jim Trotter III Trotter: As a mechanic. What did you do in your father's garage?

Mona Lisa Vito Ms. Vito: Tune-ups, oil changes, brake relining, engine rebuilds, rebuilt some tranny's, rear end...

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Stan Rothenstein They're fucking with us. You don't execute for shoplifting.

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My Cousin Vinny Movie Quotes