Men in Black 3 2012 - Movie Quotes

Agent K Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

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Agent J [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."

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[J is held by two 1969 cops]

Agent J Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!

[the cops neuralyze themselves]

Agent J That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!

[pause]

Agent J OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.

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Young Agent K Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?

Agent J A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

Young Agent K I said that, didn't I?

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Griffin A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.

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Agent J My daddy gave me this watch, it was the only thing he ever did as I never saw him while growing up...

Agent K Don't badmouth your old man.

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Agent K Do you know the most destructive force in the universe?

Agent J Sugar?

Agent K Regret.

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[last lines]

Griffin This is my NEW favourite moment in human history... unless this is the one where K forgets to leave a tip...

[sees a meteor about to hit the Earth in the distant future]

Agent K Almost forgot...

[leaves a tip - a satellite appears and collides with the meteor, rendering the Earth safe]

Griffin That was a close one!

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Agent K You are suspended for two weeks.

Agent J Bullshit.

Agent K Four weeks.

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Griffin The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie.

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Griffin There's no other way for this to work, K has to be the one to go. K is the only one who can save the world.

Agent J If he does this, is there ANY future where he lives?

Griffin Yes. But where there is death, there will always be death.

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Agent J Damn it! We had him!

Young Agent K Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.

Agent J First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.

Young Agent K We need pie.

Agent J What?

Young Agent K My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.

Agent J Pie?

Young Agent K Yeah.

Agent J Your granddaddy, heavyset man?

Young Agent K A little bit.

Agent J Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.

Young Agent K Sounds good.

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[the crew of Apollo 11 are watching the fight between on the launch tower between the agents and bad guys]

Buzz Aldrin If we report this, they're going to scrub the launch.

Neil Armstrong [Passively] I didn't see anything.

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Young Agent K [punches J] That's for lying to me!

[punches J again]

Young Agent K That's for telling me the truth!

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[Boris meets his younger self in 1969]

Boris The Animal You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh, I would kill you now if I didn't value my own life!

Boris The Animal Who are you?

Boris The Animal Look at you! Every mistake I ever made, just waiting to happen!

Boris The Animal What happened to my arm?

Boris The Animal You lose it, shot off by a human!

Boris The Animal No human can defeat me!

Boris The Animal You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal!

Boris The Animal There is no prison that can hold me!

Boris The Animal They built one specially for us, on the moon!

Boris The Animal The humans haven't been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already!

Boris The Animal Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!

Boris The Animal YOU were defeated! YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was YOU!

[Both Borises roar at each other]

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Andy Warhol So what are you doin' on my turf, K?

Young Agent K Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, Glamourian.

Andy Warhol Glamourian?

Young Agent K Mm-hmmm.

Andy Warhol Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Arcanian.

Young Agent K No, Arcanians are extinct...

Andy Warhol Well, apparently they're not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name's Griffin, Griffin The Arcanian.

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Agent J There's no such thing as time travel.

Agent O Well, there is.

Agent J No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?

Agent O Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.

Agent J You know what? I need a pay raise.

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[Griffin shows K and J the future, from his viewpoint]

Agent J So this is how you see things? This is amazing!

Griffin It's a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has its moments.

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[from trailer]

Agent J Hey man, heck, how old are you?

Young Agent K Twenty-nine.

Agent J You got some city miles on you...

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Agent J You're gonna lose!

Boris The Animal Let's agree to disagree!

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Agent AA J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank go for that 10-hour stakeout.

Agent J Who are you?

Agent AA Exactly I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted. I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself. And my stepmom.

Agent J Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.

Agent AA It's like I closed this emotional window. But I threw a brick through that window, and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.

Agent J Okay, whoever you are, I'm gonna need you to give me five feet or I gonna pluck you in your throat.

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[from trailer]

Agent J I'm looking for K, have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, smiles like this...

[J makes a poker face]

Agent O K's been dead for over forty years.

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Mr. Wu That is an Earth fish. Very traditional in China. You arrest me, that's a hate crime!

Agent K It would be if you were Chinese!

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Young Agent K [neuralyzes young J] There's only one thing you need to know: your father was a hero.

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Agent J [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?

Jeffrey Price Whoa, that means you were there!

Agent J I was where?

Jeffrey Price If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?

Agent J Where was I?

Jeffrey Price You got to go! Just go, go, go!

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Agent J Hey, ain't you coming?

Griffin [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.

Agent J I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!

[goes on ahead]

Griffin [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...

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Young Agent K I can see why I recruited you. You're a good man.

Agent J What the hell happened to you, man?

Young Agent K I told you, it hasn't happened yet...

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Young Agent K Who are you, and what do you know?

Agent J I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!

Young Agent K [deadpan] All right.

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Boris The Animal What's your plan?

Boris The Animal Prevent the ArcNet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries!

Boris The Animal Good plan - didn't work. With my help we'll get the ArcNet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we will get to keep both of our...

[sees his younger version staring at his stump]

Boris The Animal STOP STARING AT IT! Listen...

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Boris The Animal Go ahead, arrest me!

Young Agent K Not this time.

[blasts Boris]

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[a tasered J wakes up in 1969 MIB headquarters]

Agent J You need to turn the electricity on that damn thing. I can't taste my fricking tongue, K.

Young Agent K How do you know my name?

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Griffin I lost my world. I don't want you to lose yours. It's only the most infinitesimal of chances, but if it works, it'll be my most favourite moment in human history.

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Young Agent O The Viagrons have come up with a revolutionary new pill...

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Agent J I was on my way to my girlfriend's house.

Young Agent K What's your girlfriend's name?

Agent J Shh...

[pauses, thinking]

Agent J Darren.

Young Agent K Schdarren?

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Griffin Any future where you succeed, is one where you tell the truth.

Agent J The TRUTH?

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[J meets Griffin]

Agent J How's it going?

Griffin How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.

[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]

Griffin ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.

[J stares at Griffin]

Griffin But that depends.

Agent J [looks for his partner] K!

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[from trailer]

Agent J I know what you're thinking: MIB, 3-D, we're going to be blowing stuff up and all that. But that's not really what we're doing right now. We're here for one purpose, and for one purpose only: Just to let you know that I'm about to make 3-D look good.

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Jeffrey Price All right. All right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure, he was, like, a real great guy, but in terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was a little blip on the historical radar!

[Him and J sees the Boglodite invasion on TV]

Jeffrey Price Oh. That's a big blip.

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Agent K Boris the Animal: I blew off his arm and had him imprisoned at Lunamax. Biggest mistake I ever made.

Agent J Sorry, man. Was he innocent?

Agent K I should have killed him!

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[repeated line]

Boris The Animal [on being addressed as "Boris the Animal"] It's just Boris.

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[Z's eulogy]

Agent K I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.

Agent O Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.

Agent J That was your eulogy?

Agent K He was a good man.

Agent O Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.

[starts screeching in an alien tongue]

Agent O That's just so Zed.

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[J is able to rewind time and evade Boris's attack]

Boris The Animal It's not possible...

Agent J Let's agree to disagree!

[knocks Boris into a jet blast]

Boris The Animal [falling] IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

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Andy Warhol [about J] Who's that guy? Okay, don't tell me he's your new partner.

Young Agent K Actually, he's my old partner. He travelled back from the future to save the planet...

Andy Warhol Jesus! Stop, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

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Agent J [re: the Colonel] Hey, you did your future thing on him. What did you show him?

Griffin Only what he needed to see.

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Boris The Animal Hello, K.

Agent K Boris the Animal.

Boris The Animal [angrily] It's just Boris!

Agent K You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is... still shot off.

Boris The Animal Yes, my arm.

[caresses his pet]

Boris The Animal We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.

Agent K Well, that's just not living a full life.

Boris The Animal I can promise you it will be longer than yours.

Agent K Lonelier, too, since you're the last Boglodite standing.

Boris The Animal We'll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you...

Agent J [arrives on the roof] Yo, K.

[Boris starts shooting spikes at J and K, who use the door that Jay came through as a shield]

Agent K Where the hell have you been?

Agent J Fishing!

[Boris continues shooting spikes until J and K fall off of the roof]

Boris The Animal You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.

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Agent J [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.

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[from trailer]

Agent J All right, pay attention...

[neuralyzes a crowd]

Agent J Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...

[points to an alien fish towed away]

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[from trailer]

Andy Warhol Dammit K, trying to blow my cover?

Agent J Whoa, Andy Warhol's one of US?

Andy Warhol Who's the dumbass?

Agent J You know, I'd have no problem pimp-slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol.

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Agent J [Neuralizing a crowd of bystanders] Okay, you know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off? And you're like, "I ain't turning my cell phone off. That ain't have nothing to do with no damn airplane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, then blam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight 'cause your GPS don't work.

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Warhol Girl Andy, Yoko's here to see you.

Andy Warhol [under his breath] Oh Yoko.

[in character]

Andy Warhol Tell her I'm filming this man eating a hamburger, it's... transcendent. Okay, now the pickle!

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Coney Island Hippie Far out, man!

[touches Boris' motorcycle]

Boris The Younger If you want to keep that, I wouldn't!

Coney Island Flower Child Make love, not war!

Boris The Younger I prefer to do both.

[Both hippies laugh. Boris forces an awkward laugh, then the hippies stare at him awkwardly. He laughs again, and once more as he drives off]

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[from trailer]

Agent K There are things out there you don't need to know about.

Agent J That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

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Mom [J has gone to K's apartment] Can I help you?

Agent J Uh... K?

Mom 5K.

Agent J I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?

[Jay takes a cup of chocolate milk from the daughter and drinks it]

Little Chocolate Milk Girl Mommy, the President is drinking my milk.

Agent J [Handing the empty cup back] I'm sorry.

Little Chocolate Milk Girl He didn't say please.

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[from trailer]

Agent J Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!

Hood Who's Knuckles?

[a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]

Knuckles Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!

Agent J Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.

[flashes the neuralyzer]

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Andy Warhol K, you've got to fake my death. I can't listen to sitar music anymore!

Young Agent K All right, I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to X.

[leaves]

Andy Warhol K, I can't tell the women from the men!

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Young Agent K Why don't you come with me to Room 43 for one final enquiry: an eye exam.

Agent J [at Room 43] That's not an eye exam... that's a big-ass neuralyzer!

Young Agent K You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.

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Colonel [watches Apollo 11 take off] Ain't that a sight.

Young Agent K You want to see more, there's an job opening for you in our agency.

Colonel I wish I could...

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Young Agent K You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.

Agent J What's up with you and O?

Young Agent K Me and O?

Agent J Yeah, you and O.

Young Agent K All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...

Agent J Rings a bell.

Young Agent K We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...

Agent J What the hell happened to you, man?

Young Agent K I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?

Agent J I got you!

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Agent J [pulled over by two police officers] How are you, officers? What can I do you for?

1969 NYPD Cop #1 Well, look at this. Powered windows, powered seats. I'll bet you the thing costs six grand.

Agent J Uh, yes, and it has a roof, but it's hidden.

1969 NYPD Cop #2 Hey, what kind of work do you do? An individual of your particular... ethnic persuasion?

Agent J Mmm.

1969 NYPD Cop #1 Maybe he's a noted athlete.

Agent J Mmm! Yes. Uh... Starting forward for the Detroit Darkies.

1969 NYPD Cop #1 Where did you get the car?

1969 NYPD Cop #2 And the suit?

Agent J I stole them both.

[to Cop 1]

Agent J Uh, car from your wife...

[to Cop 2]

Agent J ... suit from your grandmother.

[while being frisked]

Agent J Hey.

1969 NYPD Cop #1 [finds Jay's gun] What do we have here? Concealed weapon?

Agent J [pointing at Cop #2] Hey, it's his grandmother's suit.

1969 NYPD Cop #2 [finds Jay's neuralyzer] What's this?

1969 NYPD Cop #1 Probably drugs.

Agent J Listen, I have rights, and I demand to see my lawyer before you press that small button on the side firmly!

1969 NYPD Cop #1 Press it.

[Cop #2 presses the button, neuralyzing himself and Cop #1]

Agent J That, gentlemen, is a standard-issue neuralyzer, but you're not gonna remember that. And just because you see a black man driving in a nice car, does not mean it's stolen!

[pauses]

Agent J I stole that one. But not 'cause I'm black!

[jumps back into the car and drives off]

Agent J I'll be done with the car in a minute! Just find it and take it back to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel.

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Agent K I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.

Agent J [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?

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[from trailer]

Young Agent K Okay, future man, where to?

Agent J First of all, I'm gonna need my gun.

[K gives J a pistol]

Agent J No no no, space gun!

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Jeffrey Price Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn't the best time for your people. I'm just saying. It's a lot cooler, now.

Agent J How will I know if it works?

Jeffrey Price You'll either know or you won't.

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Agent J Can you promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? Yeah, something like, uh: "J was a friend. Now there's a big part of me that's gone. Oh, J, all the things I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly and just tight. I was too tight. Now, I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin."

Agent K I'll wing something.

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[heading upstairs to The Factory, J and K pass two models]

Young Agent K For such an ungainly species, they've really thrived here on Earth.

Agent J Yeah, I was an agent for three years before I realized all models were aliens. Found out the hard way...

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Agent O Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

Agent J It's funny, K said exactly the same thing.

Agent O He's a very wise man.

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Colonel Where's your partner?

Young Agent K He's fine, he went back home.

Colonel How's that work?

Young Agent K You got me!

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[from trailer]

Agent J [to K] I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how YOU feel.

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Boris The Animal I win! I'm better than me.

Young Agent K [Blows off Boris's arm]

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Agent K There are things out there you don't need to know about.

Agent J That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

Agent K I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.

Agent J [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?

Agent K Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

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[facing a squad of prison guards]

Boris The Animal It's cold in here. Mind if I open a window?

[blasts a hole in the prison wall, causing a vortex]

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Griffin Sir, if I may...

[touches the Colonel's arm]

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Young Agent K We'll take it from here!

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Griffin Oh, dear. I forgot about this part...

[gets captured by Boris]

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Agent J [looks at an alien fish] Ooh. You look like you come from the planet... Damn.

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[from trailer]

Agent J Who are we?

Agent K We are no-one. Our mission is to monitor extraterrestrial activity on Earth.

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Boris The Animal [to K] You don't know it, but you are already dead!

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[from trailer]

[at the top of the Chrysler Building]

Jeffrey Price [hands J a device] Here, take this, and all you have to do is jump.

Agent J You want me to jump?

Jeffrey Price Time jump!

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Agent O There was a spree of time-travel in the 1960s. It caused issues all over the continuum! So we imprisoned its handler, Obadiah Price, and had it wiped out completely.

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[Lily holds on to Boris so as not to get sucked into space]

Boris The Animal Sorry, darling. We did love the cake.

[lets go of Lily]

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[K handles an old cellphone]

Agent J That's a big phone. Don't hold it up to your head!

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[arriving in 1969]

Boris The Animal I feel younger already.

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[about to be neuralyzed]

Agent J K, if you see Boris tomorrow, kill him! Don't arrest him, just kill him!

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Agent O Somehow history has been rewritten. There has to be a reason this is happening, and K seems to be in the center of it.

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Jeffrey Price This is the real deal. Time-jump gear. Very rare, very old. But first, we gotta get high.

Agent J Hey. No.

Jeffrey Price No. No, I mean, really high.

[cut to the top of the Chrysler Building]

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[from trailer]

Agent J [at a costume party] Is there anybody here who is NOT an alien?

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[the Colonel guides K and J to the top of Apollo 11]

Young Agent K Thank you, Colonel.

Colonel [shakes K's hand] Some job you got there.

Agent J [shakes the Colonel's hand] Thanks, man. Hey, what did Griffin show you back there?

Colonel [smiles] He showed me how important you are. You and your partner.

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Agent J Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta tell you, I really love your work!

Andy Warhol Oh, oh thank you...

[to K]

Andy Warhol who's the dumbass?

Agent J Whoa! Hey, how about a little professional courtesy here?

Andy Warhol What's that, dumbass?

Agent J Say it again...

Andy Warhol You want me to?

Agent J I dare you!

Andy Warhol Dumbass!

Young Agent K Agents...

Agent J You know, I don't have no problem pimp-slappin' the shiznit out of Andy Warhol!

Andy Warhol ...Wha?

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Agent J Boris! Boris the Animal!

Boris The Animal [lunges] IT'S JUST BORIS!

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Coney Island Flower Child Hey, make love, not war.

Boris The Animal I prefer to do both.

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Young Agent Chocolate milk, sir?

Agent J Where you been man, it's like a hour ago!

Agent O Wait, how long have you been craving chocolatized dairy products?

Agent J Just today.

Agent O Are you experiencing headaches, dizziness, loss of balance?

Agent J [nodding] Mmm Hmm

Agent O Agitation, depression?

Agent J Hell yeah!

Agent O There are only 2 possibilities, 1 is you've been bitten by the horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment...

Agent J [O slaps J hard in the face] Aaaaahhh!

Agent O Damn it... . it's not the tick!

Agent J Damn it, it's not the tick? It's something worse than the tick?

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Boris The Animal Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?

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Agent J You know, we been doing some pretty smart stuff over the past day or so, how about we do something stupid? Let's go get some pie!

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Agent J [through Griffin's eyes, J and K see the last game of the 1969 World Series] So this is how you see things? This is amazing!

Griffin It's a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has it's moments.

Agent J Wait, this game doesn't happen 'til October.

Griffin Oh, it's always October, November, March... so many futures, and they're all real, just don't know which one will coalesce. Until then, they're all happening. Like this one, it's my favorite moment in human history. All the things that have to converge for the Mets to win the World Series. They were in last place every single season until they won it all.

Young Agent K You said you had a gift for us?

Griffin That baseball, for instance, thrown for the last out of Game 5, manufactured in 1962 by the Spalding Factory of Chicopee, Massachusetts, was aerodynamically flawed, due to the horse hide being improperly tanned because Sheila, the tanner's wife, left him for a Puerto Rican golf pro that Sunday...

Agent J [signals "time out" with his hands] Uh, the gift?

Griffin Oh, oh, yes, of course, it's in the box. It's the surprise. To protect the Earth, it's the shield.

Agent J Shield... Arcanan... Arc-Net! That's what you did! You put up the Arc-Net.

Young Agent K How did I do that?

Griffin When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson, who only became a baseball player because his father couldn't find a football to give him for his eighth birthday - it hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones - who would have been born Clara, a statistical typist, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.

[Jones catches the ball, ending the game in victory for the Mets]

Griffin A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway. I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favorite moment in human history. Oh, dear. I forgot to see this one coming.

[gets captured by Boris]

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Agent J [to K] Look, man, promise me that if my time comes you will give me a better speech than what you did for Z...

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Young Agent K Griffin, right? Hey, we're here...

Griffin Because of Boris the Animal.

Young Agent K Correct. We believe he may be coming...

Griffin Coming to kill me, yes. He'll be here in two minutes, unless of course we're in the possible future where he made all the lights on Bowery and got here early and is just about to discharge a weapon through the doorway, in which case we're all dead in two seconds.

[pause. They all look at the door]

Griffin ...Ah, good. That was a close one.

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[repeated line]

Agent K [Cross-checking Agent J while driving] Did you lose something over here hondo?

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[first lines]

Prison Guard #1 Well, well, Boris the Animal has a visitor. I guess one every 40 years is okay.

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Obadiah Price Boris! Boris the Animal! We had a deal, remember?

Boris The Animal Obadiah Price... yes, I did make you a promise.

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Agent K [holds up alien] Who's this Splky Bulba for?

Mr. Wu Nobody...

[K hits him]

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Young Agent K [while pursuing Boris] Hey, slick! In the future, we ever done the Texas Two-Step?

Agent J Yes, sir!

[proceeds to distract Boris the Animal]

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Mr. Wu Come on, K, I got larva to feed!

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Agent J You know, there's a really high possibility now that I might know some things you don't know.

Agent K I doubt it.

Agent J I bet I know what went on between you and O.

Agent K She's a very fine lady, but you know the rules: there's no fraternizing among agents.

Agent J I think y'all might have fraternized once or twice...

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Agent J [looks at a shawarma stall] I can see something wriggling in there!

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Griffin [spots a butterfly] Oh, dear. This is the one where Boris is coming through that door in twelve, eleven, ten...

[K turns to the door, drawing his weapon]

Griffin Wait! Did you have chocolate milk this morning?

Agent J ...Yes.

Griffin [winces] Cindy.

[There is a sound of breaking glass, one of the models turns toward the window, and is impaled through the forehead by one of Boris's spikes]

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Agent J I used to play a game with my dad called "catch", except I would just throw the ball and it'd hit the wall, 'cause he wasn't there.

Agent K Don't bad mouth your old man!

Agent J I'm not bad mouthing him, I just didn't really know him.

Agent K [looking around the restaurant] It's not right...

Agent J You damn right, it's not right. A little boy needs a father.

Agent K Table 1 hasn't ordered a thing, table 3 over there just drank his 4th cup of duck sauce.

Agent O [over the phone] K, the crashed ship from this morning was stolen from...

Agent K LunarMax Prison, Boris the Animal.

Agent O How did you know...?

Agent K He always had a taste for spikey bulba. Give us a minute, will you Chief?

Agent J We're in a situation...

Agent K [sighs] Yeah... I'll take the chloropod, you take the taranbee and the hydronian over there, I'll take whoever is in the kitchen and meet you on the street.

Agent J This is a very confusing time in my life.

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[as K and J leave MiB together]

Agent X Agent K, what's he still doing here?

Young Agent K [referring to the neuralyzer] I might've cooked him for too long, thought I'd better walk him out.

Agent J [in childish voice, proudly] I put my pants on.

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Agent J [from trailer] Marco! You know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!

Graffiti artist Who's Marco?

Marco [the alien moves from the graffiti-laden wall] Relax, punk. They're looking for me and not you.

Agent J Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.

[he neuralizes the graffiti artist]

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Prison Guard #4 [Boris passionately kiss his female visitor] This ain't a conjugal visit. So quit your conjugating!

Boris The Animal [sarcastically, after stopping kissing] When's the last time you conjugated anything?

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Agent J [after returning to the present] Did we go to Wu's last night?

Agent K Yeah.

Agent J Boglodites?

Agent K Been extinct for forty years.

Agent J Perfect!

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[at the entrance to the Factory]

Funky 60's Dude Password?

Agent J Hey, look, funky 60's dude, we don't have a lot of time...

Young Agent K Janis Joplin.

[the Dude opens the door]

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[from trailer]

Young Agent K [unfolds space bike] They have these in the future?

Agent J That's what I'm talking about!

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Agent J You helped Boris the Animal time jump.

[J cocks his weapon]

Jeffrey Price Whoa, whoa, okay, I had to! That dude's a freak!

Agent J He killed my partner! I want to know when and where you sent him.

Jeffrey Price What, you think I keep, like, a log book?

[He glances down at the counter and winces. J looks down and flips open Jeffrey's log book]

Agent J [reads] "Target vector: July 16, 1969."

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Boris The Animal [meeting his younger self] You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh! I'd kill you right now if I didn't value my own life.

Boris the Younger Who are *you*?

Boris The Animal Look at you... Every mistake I've ever made, just waiting to happen.

Boris the Younger What happened to my arm?

Boris The Animal You lose it. Shot off by a human.

Boris the Younger No human could defeat me!

Boris The Animal You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal!

Boris the Younger No prison can hold me!

Boris The Animal They built one especially *for* us, on the moon.

Boris the Younger No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already!

Boris The Animal Stop arguing! You could avoid all of that if you'd just listen to me!

Boris the Younger *You* were defeated! *You* let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was *you*!

[they roar at each other]

Boris The Animal [calming himself] What's your plan?

Boris the Younger Prevent the Arc Net from being deployed, kill anyone who tries!

Boris The Animal Good plan; didn't work. With my help, we'll get the Arc Net, kill Agent K; the invasion will be successful; and we'll get to keep both of our ar...

[notices his younger self staring at his stump]

Boris The Animal STOP STARING AT IT! Listen...

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Andy Warhol Why don't you come back later, after the Happening has Happened?

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Men in Black 3 Movie Quotes