Being John Malkovich Movie Quotes
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Craig Schwartz
You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
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Maxine
Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
John Malkovich
NO!
[Craig regains control]
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich)
Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
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Guy in Restaurant
'Scuse me.
John Malkovich
Mm-hmm?
Guy in Restaurant
Are you John Malkovich?
John Malkovich
Yes, I am.
Guy in Restaurant
Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
John Malkovich
Oh?
Guy in Restaurant
...where you play that retard.
John Malkovich
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
Guy in Restaurant
I have a cousin... who's a retard.
John Malkovich
Oh, thank you.
Guy in Restaurant
Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
John Malkovich
Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
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Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich)
There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
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Lotte Schwartz
I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
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Craig Schwartz
There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine
Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz
Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine
Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz
Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
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John Malkovich
Ma-Sheen!
Charlie
Malcatraz!
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John Malkovich
That portal is mine and it must be sealed forever - for the love of God.
Craig Schwartz
Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. You understand?
John Malkovich
It's my head, Schwartz. It's my head! I will see you in court!
[Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]
Craig Schwartz
[calling after him]
What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
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Maxine
Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
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Floris
Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?
Craig Schwartz
No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris
Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz
Schwartz.
Floris
Pardon?
Craig Schwartz
Schwartz.
Floris
I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
Craig Schwartz
My name is Schwartz.
Floris
"My name is Warts"?
[Craig takes a seat]
[Craig doesn't respond at first]
Craig Schwartz
Oh. Yes?
Floris
Chest?
Craig Schwartz
I said, "Yes?"
Floris
You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
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[last lines]
Craig Schwartz
[voiceover]
Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.
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John Malkovich
I have seen a world that NO man should see!
Craig Schwartz
Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
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Craig Schwartz
Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
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John Malkovich
The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
Charlie
Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich
What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
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Larry the Agent
John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich)
This is my fiancée Maxine.
Larry the Agent
Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
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Dr. Lester
I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
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Craig Schwartz
I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine
Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
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Lotte Schwartz
Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
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Charlie
Hot lesbian witches! Think about it. It's fucking genius!
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[a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can]
Driver
Hey Malkovich, think fast!
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Craig Schwartz
I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine
Yes?
Craig Schwartz
I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine
And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
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Craig Schwartz
If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine
Why not?
Craig Schwartz
Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
Maxine
Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz
Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
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Charlie
You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
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[During a job interview]
Dr. Lester
Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?
Craig Schwartz
The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?
Dr. Lester
Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.
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Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich)
You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine
You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
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[During sex]
John Malkovich
Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine
Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich
No, not really.
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[Answering the phone]
Maxine
J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.
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Craig Schwartz
[as Craig Puppet]
Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently.
[lifts Maxine Puppet's leg]
Craig Schwartz
Would you like to be inside my skin? Think what I think? Feel what I feel?
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Craig Schwartz
I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine
My tits?
Craig Schwartz
No! No, no, no.
Maxine
No?
Craig Schwartz
It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine
You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz
No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine
"No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz
No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!
Maxine
Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.
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Maxine
Here's the thing: If you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
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Dr. Lester
Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz
Oh, no.
Dr. Lester
If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
Craig Schwartz
I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester
105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes. But, nobody wants to die!
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Maxine
Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!
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Maxine
Well, my nipples are at attention, General Malkovich, sir!
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Maxine
You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.
Craig Schwartz
Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.
Maxine
Yeechs!
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Lotte Schwartz
Suck my dick!
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Craig Schwartz
What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
Maxine
We'll see.
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Craig Schwartz
You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
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Maxine
Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
Lotte Schwartz
Really?
Maxine
Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
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Dr. Lester
Any questions?
Craig Schwartz
Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester
Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
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Lotte Schwartz
I've been going over and over my experience last night, Craig. It was amazing. I've decided - that I'm a transsexual. I know! It's the craziest thing, Craig!
Craig Schwartz
What are you fuckin' nuts!
Lotte Schwartz
No, it's just that for the first time everything just felt right! I've got to make sure. But, if the feeling is still there, I'm gonna talk to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
Craig Schwartz
Listen, this is absurd! Besides, Feldman is an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right! We've talked about this plenty of times. Alright, you get these half-ass ideas and then you do a half-assed job. Just drop it!
Lotte Schwartz
It's just that I really, you know, I like Dr. Feldman. Alright? So, I thought that I would ask him his opinion. What - is there something so terrible about that? Why are you always yelling at me like this?
Craig Schwartz
Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just a phase. It's a phase of seeing through somebody else's eyes. Okay? It'll pass.
Lotte Schwartz
Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
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Maxine
Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz
Well, I'm a puppeteer...
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First J.M. Inc. Customer
Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz
Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer
Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz
Well, you... actually...
Maxine
You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer
Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine
Two hundred dollars.
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Dr. Lester
Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
Floris
Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone.
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Dr. Lester
Hello, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz
Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary...
Dr. Lester
[into intercom]
Security!
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Craig Schwartz
Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?
Maxine
Yeah.
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Dr. Lester
She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
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Dr. Lester
Nubile. Blondes. Wet with desire. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me, as I speak. "Ladies," I begin, "I am the love god Eros." They like that. "I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven."
Craig Schwartz
Dr. Lester, this is all very - fascinating and stuff, but, I gotta get back home and my wife...
Dr. Lester
Oh, you have a wife! I'd like to meet her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz
Yes, sir.
Dr. Lester
Shall we say dinner Thursday? You can "come" too if you like.
[chuckles]
Dr. Lester
You get that? That was a joke! Did you hear what I said? You can "come" too. That was a joke.
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Dr. Lester
Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz?
[laughs]
Dr. Lester
Maybe then Floris would care for me.
Craig Schwartz
But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history.
Dr. Lester
I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her...
Craig Schwartz
Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.
Dr. Lester
All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on Lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.
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Craig Schwartz
It's just a little mix up with your secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that to her.
Dr. Lester
She's not my secretary. She's what they call an executive liaison. And I am not *banging* her, if that's what you're implying.
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Craig Schwartz
I did it! I made him move his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit! Oh! And - I made him talk, sort of. It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich is nothing more than a another puppet hanging next to my work table.
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Craig Schwartz
My name is Craig Schwartz - and we operate a little business here that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience - of being you, actually.
John Malkovich
Simulate?
Craig Schwartz
Yeah, after a fashion.
John Malkovich
What exactly does that mean?
Craig Schwartz
Well, it's hard to describe.
John Malkovich
I want to do it.
Craig Schwartz
Well, I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.
John Malkovich
I want to do it!
Craig Schwartz
Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube and he's got...
Maxine
Let him do it, Craig.
Craig Schwartz
Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.
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John Malkovich
What are you doing?
Puppeteer
I'm making it weep.
John Malkovich
But how can you make it weep when you yourself are not weeping? Don't do that bullshit again.
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John Malkovich
[in disguise]
Excuse me, sir. Exactly what type of service does this company provide?
Sad Man in Line
You get to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes. 200 clams.
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Craig Schwartz
Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey.
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Lotte Schwartz
You know, Craig, once this was a relationship - built on love.
Craig Schwartz
Well, you gave up that claim after the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.
Lotte Schwartz
You fell in love with her first, Craig!
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Voice of Heloise (Puppet)
Even during the celebration of mass, when our prayers should be purer, lewd visions of these pleasures take such a hold upon my unhappy soul, that my thoughts are on the very wantonness instead of my prayers. Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed by the movement of my body.
Voice of Abelard (Puppet)
I took my fill of my wretched pleasures in you and this was the sum total of my love.
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Voice of Heloise (Puppet)
While we enjoy the pleasures on an uneasy love and abandon ourselves to fornication, we were spared God's severity.
Voice of Abelard (Puppet)
Say no more. I beg you. And cease from complaints like these which are so far removed from the true depth of love.
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Lotte Schwartz
[seeing Craig's busted lip]
Oh, Craig! Honey, not again. Why do you do this to yourself, honey?
Craig Schwartz
I'm a puppeteer.
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Craig Schwartz
Listen to Lester's sexual fantasies and drink carrot juice for awhile, you know, it's a job thing, really.
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Craig Schwartz
Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine
Are you married?
Craig Schwartz
Yes, but enough about me.
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[Lotte comes home late at night]
Craig Schwartz
You were him, weren't you?
Lotte Schwartz
Yeah.
Craig Schwartz
And he was with her!
Lotte Schwartz
We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz
We?
Lotte Schwartz
John and me.
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Lotte Schwartz
We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz
We?
Lotte Schwartz
John and me.
Craig Schwartz
Don't forget about me!
Lotte Schwartz
Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!
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[gazing longingly at Craig as he does the filing]
Floris
Oh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet! Maybe you could alphabetize me. And remember, 'I' comes before 'U'.
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Woman in Elevator
Seven and a half, right?
Craig Schwartz
Yuh.
Woman in Elevator
I'll take you through it.
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Lester's Friend
I've always wondered what it would be like to have a penis. Now I'll know!
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John Malkovich
The Broadhurst Theater, please.
Cab Driver
Hey, say, eh, ain't you that actor guy?
John Malkovich
Yes.
Cab Driver
Hey, John, eh, what is, eh, John, eh, um, um, ah, don't tell me. Eh, Mapplethorpe?
John Malkovich
Malkovich.
Cab Driver
Malkovich! Right, right, okay.
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Maxine
I need you for this, Craigy. You're my man on the inside.
Craig Schwartz
You need me? I'm your man?
Maxine
Sure, whatever.
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John Malkovich
[onstage playing Richard III]
Was ever woman in this humour woo'd? Was ever woman in this humour won?
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Maxine
Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!
Maxine
Lotte.
Maxine
Lotte.
Craig Schwartz
[inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]
Oh, touch her breast. Touch her breast. Right hand across left breast now.
Maxine
Lotte!
Craig Schwartz
[inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]
Move right hand across left breast now! Move right hand across left breast now!
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Cab Driver
I thought you were alright in that one movie.
John Malkovich
Thank you.
Cab Driver
Yeah, that one where you played a jewel thief?
John Malkovich
I - never played a jewel thief.
Cab Driver
No? Who am I thinkin' of?
John Malkovich
I don't know.
Cab Driver
Just, eh, no. No, I'm pretty sure it was you.
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Lotte Schwartz
Craig, I don't understand. There's not - there's no such thing as a hole or a portal into somebody's brain!
Craig Schwartz
Yes there is!
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Craig Schwartz
I was inside John Malkovich - lookin' out.
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Lotte Schwartz
[inside John Malkovich looking at Maxine]
You're so beautiful. And the way you're looking at me. I mean, at him, at us. I've never been looked at like this by a woman before. Ah, I think I'm sweating.
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John Malkovich
Something was making me talk. Some - goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get outta here.
Maxine
Oh, doll face! It was just - your passion for me taking hold.
John Malkovich
No! Doll face, I know what my passion taking hold feels like.
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Craig Schwartz
Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
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John Malkovich
I've gotta know the truth, Charlie.
Charlie
The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy.
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Maxine
Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.
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Maxine
Oh, you know what? The puppeteer told me he loved me today. I know, I can't think of anything more pathetic!
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[first lines]
Lotte Schwartz
Craig, honey, it's time for bed.
[fade out and in]
Orrin Hatch the bird
Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,
Craig Schwartz
Lotte...
Lotte Schwartz
I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
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Craig Schwartz
We don't know the significance of this thing. It might be dangerous to toy with.
Maxine
Well, I'll protect you, doll face.
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