Dr. Cox[to J.D] Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
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Dr. CoxLadies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.
[points to self]
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ElliotOh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. CoxNo, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
ElliotI'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
J.D.These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
Paul FlowersSometimes it feels like you're holding back.
ElliotOf course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
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JanitorWhat is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?
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Dr. CoxCarla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Dr. CoxI think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
TurkWell you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. CoxAlice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
Dr. KelsoDr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr. CoxYes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
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J.D.Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
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Dr. CoxRelationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
[shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word]
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[Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]
Dr. CoxI'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
CarlaPlease! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. CoxWell... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
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J.D.Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
[to Carla and Turk]
J.D.And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
[JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts]
Dr. CoxYou are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.
J.D.Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. CoxEvery one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.
Dr. Cox[explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!
J.D.[after Janitor pops up behind him] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?
JanitorI don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.
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Chris Turk[to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?
Nurse RobertsI make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
Chris TurkLaverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it!
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Dr. CoxOh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
Dr. CoxNo, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
J.D.[thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
Carla[speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
[the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
ElliotI know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then... tried them, and found them... oddly comfortable...
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[Turk shows his new interns the patient list]
Chris TurkThis guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
Dr. CoxAh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay.
ElliotDr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Cox...so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo-wah - and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse RobertsAre you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Turk[voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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J.D.[voice-over] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
Dr. Cox[laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?
[Carla stares at him]
Dr. CoxEh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...
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[hits the table]
Dr. Cox...and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV.
Dr. CoxYou'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
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Dr. CoxAh, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh?
Dr. CoxI'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
ElliotI'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso.
Dr. CoxThe value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
ElliotI think we both know there's a little more to it than that.
Dr. CoxNo, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've... had... enough! The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt!
[Dr. Cox jumps over the couch]
Dr. CoxAnd you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.
ElliotYou're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much.
JanitorI liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.
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ElliotLaverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?
Chris TurkYa know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock.
ElliotIf I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.
J.D.I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.
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[to Jordan]
ElliotI doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge.
Dr. CoxThere are times when I put myself into situ...
CarlaOh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
Dr. CoxThat's almost exactly what I was going to say.
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[Elliot and JD are about to bungee jump, and JD is very nervous]
ElliotCome on, what's the worst that could happen?
Dr. CoxGimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back.
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J.D.[internal] I think childbirth has been way too romanticized.
[cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents]
J.D.You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing.
YuppieSon of a bitch. Do you mind lady? I am in a rush.
Carla[Turning around] Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much.
Chris TurkBonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
J.D.Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
CarlaCan we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot[to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
Dr. CoxJordan! Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to.
JordanPerry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me... let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception!
Dr. CoxDuct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor. End of story.
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Dr. CoxI can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?
JanitorLook, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now.
Dr. CoxListen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.
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Chris TurkYou know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
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Random NurseYou know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.
Chris TurkLet me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
BouncerYou out, too.
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Dr. Cox[Dr. Kelso gives him a latte] Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing.
Dr. KelsoWell, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex.
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Dr. CoxIs that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy.
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Dr. CoxI went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D.I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
ElliotJ.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV.
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Dr. Cox[talking to J.D. and Elliot who have been promoted to co-chief residents] You have a bunch of monkey interns. It's your job as co-chief residents to catch whatever they're flinging!
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J.D.But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.
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ElliotI put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them.
J.D.Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
Dr. CoxThe answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power.
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[the Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle]
Janitor[to himself] Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!
TroyRelax! I figured it out.
[Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor]
JanitorOkay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.
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Chris TurkBabe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
J.D.His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.
[JD and Turk are trying, and failing, to reassure Elliot that they aren't obsessing over the orgasm she accidentally gave a patient during a pelvic exam]
J.D.Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that".
Chris Turk[laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman!
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Chris TurkI don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
CarlaAnd I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!
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[Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident]
Dr. KelsoDo you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots.
Chris TurkDr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
JordanLook, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
J.D.Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Chris TurkSeason 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.
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J.D.Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that... you're afraid.
Dr. CoxI think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them.
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[Elliot keeps talking at a patient with a wired jaw]
Nurse[Looking at the patient] It looks like his eyes are screaming...
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[Jordan, his ex-wife]
Dr. CoxShe's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.
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Dr. CoxWell, gosh - I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox.
[starts laughing]
Dr. CoxI became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does - chicks, money, power and chicks.
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Dr. KelsoDr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things".
J.D.[after slamming his hand in the hinged counter] Aaaah! My 'me time' hand!
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Dr. CoxYou know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.
Dr. KelsoOh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
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Dr. Cox[on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them...
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Dr. Kevin CaseyIt's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands...
[grunts]
Dr. Kevin CaseyThis is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?
JanitorOh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
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CarlaYou can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.
Dr. CoxIt would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
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[JD was cooing to a baby]
Dr. CoxNewbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it.
Dr. CoxWell, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?
[explaining to Jordan]
Dr. CoxHer husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?
Dr. CoxLassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition
Dr. CoxLet me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!
[Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them]
Dr. CoxYou see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.
[a woman with her son comes over to Dr. Cox and Jordan and starts talking to their son, Jack]
WomanHi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with.
Dr. CoxOh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice.
JordanOh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.
J.D.[voiceover] I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room.
Dr. Kevin Casey[touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Chris TurkBecause I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road.
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Dr. MillerListen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left staring at an imaginary woman's chest as she was trying to make a point.
Dr. CoxOh I'm, I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress just screams, Respect me as a doctor!
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Dr. CoxBoy oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy! And trust me, he'll make ya pay.
Dr. ClockOh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart.
Dr. CoxLady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Dr. Clock[rubbing Dr. Cox's stomach and speaking in a sing-song voice] I'm touching your creamy center!
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Janitor[Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film] Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.
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Doug[being filmed for a wedding video] I'll have to agree with Chad. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome. This is an awesome wedding and I'm having an awesome time and you two are gonna have an awesome life. Awesome!
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J.D.You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you.
Dr. KelsoAnd I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
TedSir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney.
Dr. KelsoUh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?
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Dr. KelsoHere at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional!
ElliotUm, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional.
Dr. KelsoI've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup! Get a haircut! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!
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[Turk is occupying Dr. Kelso's lunch spot]
Dr. KelsoInteresting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot... why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Dr. CoxYou know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose - specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against - but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing.
[pause]
Dr. CoxI know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?
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Dr. KelsoShe likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries.
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Dr. Kelso[on phone in his office] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house!
[listens, smiling]
Dr. KelsoBaring his teeth, huh?... OK, now here's whatcha do... Are you ready?
Chris TurkI know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up
J.D.He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.
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Chris TurkDon't you think that's a little sexist, sir?
Dr. KelsoI don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up.
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ElliotC'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.
Dr. CoxSo what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem.
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[an overweight patient has not been losing weight, despite Dr Cox's orders]
Dr. CoxLemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
Dr. CoxYeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious.
[to the various doctors and patients in the busy hospital]
Dr. CoxUh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her.
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Dr. CoxHey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?
J.D.[to himself, as Dr. Cox stands next to him at a urinal] Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?
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DougHey, Klaus, I got a question for you: why is it in your country that Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers and hot dogs?
Janitor[In german voice] Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?
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JanitorOk, look. Attention, roof poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day - let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof...
JanitorNo, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this... there's a toilet... on the roof. Am I right, people?
[Bystanders agree]
ToddCool.
[Makes cross sign and leaves]
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Chris TurkAwww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?
J.D.[whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Cox[mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
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Dr. KelsoSon, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?
Dr. CoxNoooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. KelsoMaybe so, but I started those things properly at eight!
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Dr. CoxI don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.
ElliotOh yeah. Then I have to show you something later.
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Dr. Kelso[to Dr. Cox] I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the comedian at that strip joint in Reno... I'm not here for the jokes.
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Jordan[to Cox] I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me, Jimmies mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody out to Chucky Cheese!
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ElliotI have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D.Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
J.D.[thinking] Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend!
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Ben[to JD] Ya know something? *You* have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common.
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BenHey, JD, my sister, Danni, is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find that Jordan is a little bit more on the lines of teeth and tongue and fangs.
[hisses]
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J.D.[Driving circles around The Janitor] Ring around the janitor, pocket full of...
Janitor[while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.
Dr. CoxLoretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless
[as she bends over to pick it up, Todd peeks from the corner]
Todd[sing-song] Thong!
[Carla slaps him]
ToddFace five. Oh, yeah!
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[giving an orientation lecture to the new interns]
TedAnd if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything.
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[Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso]
Dr. KelsoI can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned?
TedOh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable...
TedSir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place.
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ToddThat was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her.
Chris TurkWhy, did she mess up a patient for you, too?
ToddNo.
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Dr. Cox[to J.D] Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall in which you're leaning against, of course, then you would be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it, I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, its just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley... skip away... skip away... skip away, skip, skip, skip to my loo, woohoo!
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JanitorDoor is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open.
J.D.[to his interns] Now... that tumor's looking so big... it's beginning to look like a threemor...
[laughs stupidly]
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[JD and Turk are walking outside the hospital when a computer falls from the building and lands in front of them; Dr. Cox is sticking his body out a high story window]
Dr. CoxSorry, girls, I seemed to have dropped my computer... meh-ya.
BonnieYou passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions!
TurkDo you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull - I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing!
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Dr. CoxHonestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard... But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth... And... th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen. So, maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a... a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications...
Dr. KelsoAre my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke!
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[to Jordan, about why it's important for them to fight]
Dr. CoxYou're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
J.D.It was awesome - it was fun doing that with you.
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Dr. CoxYou're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on.
DanI just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother... Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me.
ToddI have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... I'm gonna go try and stop it.
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Elliot[to Jordan] And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle.
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[Turk is trying to help J.D. break up with Danni]
Chris TurkDude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single! Chasing tail! Hell, I miss it every day.
CarlaOh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?
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Dr. KelsoTed have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?
JanitorI did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.
J.D.[thinking] Don't worry, he says that to everybody.
[stops and waits]
Todd[to another doctor] Hey, how's your penis?
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[Dr. Cox, explaining why he dislikes Julie, the drug rep]
Dr. Cox[whispering] Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it.
[laughs]
Dr. CoxBut hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company *damn* sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all.
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ElliotMr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital.
Ted[shouting on the phone] You want to quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon and you will *always* be a worthless peon!
[hangs up]
TedSir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from Shipping & Receiving wants to go solo! If we lose him, we'll lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair! What do you think I should do?
Dr. KelsoTed, you know my rule about personal problems - I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.
Dr. CoxI don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d'you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
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Dr. KelsoI am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?
Dr. CoxI think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!
Dr. CoxI love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
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J.D.Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home...
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ElliotIf there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo.
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Dr. Cox[to a teen who has stopped taking her epilepsy medication] If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?
Dr. CoxFirst off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I
[pointing at self]
Dr. Coxam accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
