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Kinoafisha Films Terry Pratchett's Hogfather Terry Pratchett's Hogfather Movie Quotes

Terry Pratchett's Hogfather Movie Quotes

Susan Now... tell me...

Death What would have happened if you hadn't saved him?

Susan Yes.

Death The sun would not have risen.

Susan Then what would have happened?

Death A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world.

Susan All right, I'm not stupid. You're saying that humans need fantasies to make life bearable.

Death No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.

Susan With tooth fairies? Hogfathers?

Death Yes. As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies.

Susan So we can believe the big ones?

Death Yes. Justice, mercy, duty. That sort of thing.

Susan They're not the same at all!

Death You think so? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and THEN show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet... you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world. As if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.

Susan But people have got to believe that, or what's the point?

Death You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?

[they both watch the sun rise]

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Susan Grandad?

Death Yes?

Susan Why? I mean, why did you do all this?

Death Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom? Life is such.

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[Susan is reading the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" to the children]

Susan And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no-one asks inconvenient questions.

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[Death is able to stop a little match girl from dying]

Albert You're not allowed to do that.

Death The Hogfather can. The Hogfather gives presents. There's no better present than a future.

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Death I have made this for you.

[hands Susan a damp cardboard square]

Susan Oh, thank you. What is it?

Death Albert said there ought to be snow on it, but it appears to have melted. It is, of course, a Hogswatch card.

Susan Oh.

Death There should have been a robin on it as well, but I had considerable difficulty in getting it to stay on.

Susan Ah.

Death It was not at all cooperative.

Susan Really?

Death It did not seem to get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.

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[Lord Downey is sitting at his desk when he hears a strange noise and realises that he is no longer alone]

Lord Downey The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dog does not appear to have woken up. The squeaky floorboards haven't. I really doubt that you are a ghost, and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties. Besides, I'm feeling quite well.

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Teatime I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff.

Death I AM last-minute stuff.

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Susan You were the kind of little boy who looked up doll's dresses.

Teatime ...I didn't...!

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Death Let's go sleigh them!

[looks at Albert]

Death I don't know if you noticed Albert, but that was a pune, or play on words.

Albert Ho ho ho sir.

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[Twyla thinks she has heard a strange noise from the cellar and asks Susan to investigate. Susan goes into the cellar brandishing a poker, while Twyla and her parents watch from outside the door. Banging noises are heard]

Twyla [proudly] You don't have to worry. She always wins.

[Susan emerges with a bent poker]

Twyla Susan says "Don't get afraid - get angry".

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Albert Never say die, master. That's our motto.

Death [grimly] I can't say it's ever really been mine.

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[Death confronts the Auditors, who have taken the shape of dogs to get to Susan and the Hogfather]

Death You couldn't resist it in the end? A mistake, I fancy. It gets under your skin, life. Speaking metaphorically, of course. And you see, the more you struggle for every moment, the more alive you stay... which is where I come in, as a matter of fact.

Auditor 1 [changes to its original shape] You can't do this, there are rules!

[gets turned back into a dog]

Death Yes. There are rules. But you broke them. How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? And now there remains only one final question. Have you been naughty... or nice?

[the dogs plunge down a cliff]

Death Ho. Ho. Ho.

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Death [Death, standing in for the Hogfather, has come down a narrow chimney and is trapped inside a cast-iron stove] This is really, really stupid.

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[first lines]

Narrator Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree. There is the constant desire to find out where - where is the point where it all began. But much, much later than that, the Discworld was formed. Drifting onwards through space, atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle, the Great A'Tuin. It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are, sooner or later, about blood. At least, that's one theory. The philosopher Didactylos suggested an alternative hypothesis: "Things just happen. What the hell." And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld. A city where magic is just another job, and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards looms over all the dark narrow streets... Our story begins on a midwinter festival bearing a remarkable similarity to your Christmas. And so... it was the night before Hogswatch.

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Death You might very well think that I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

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Teatime Do you have a lot of friends, Mr Sydeney?

Mr. Sideney [hesitantly] Quite a few, actually.

Teatime I don't have many... Don't seem to have the knack... On the other hand, I don't seem to have any enemies at all.

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[Teatime's spirit rises from his body to meet Death]

Death Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?

Teatime You got it right.

Death Of course.

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[Lord Downey is reviewing a previous assassination contract that Teatime carried out for him]

Lord Downey You nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.

Teatime I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.

Lord Downey Some people would have drugged it.

Teatime [mystified] Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.

Lord Downey Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.

Teatime That was all right, wasn't it, sir?

Lord Downey It lacked... elegance.

Teatime I thank you, sir. I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.

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Susan I don't remember them asking for anything that makes a noise.

Death Oh, there has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise. Otherwise, what is 4:30AM for?

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Susan Would you be any good in a fight?

Bilious Yes, I could be sick on people.

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Susan [to Teatime] You were the kind of kid who couldn't see the difference between throwing rocks at a cat and setting it on fire.

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Teatime It's pronounced Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir.

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Death [half-heartedly] Ho, ho, ho.

Albert No, no, no! You've got put a bit more life in it, sir... Er, no offence intended. You've got to do a big fat laugh, sir. You've got to sound like you're pissing brandy and you're crapping plum pudding, sir... if you'll pardon my Klatchian.

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Lord Downey Mr Teatime, you have actually applied yourself to study of ways of killing Death?

Teatime Only as a hobby, sir.

Lord Downey But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.

Teatime Everyone has a weak point, sir.

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Susan Grandad? Happy Hogswatch.

Death Happy Hogswatch. And good night, children... everywhere.

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Susan His name's Bilious. He's the "Oh God" of hangovers. Something nasty's happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is, but he's got to be able to think straight first.

Mustrum Ridcully And you brought him here?

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Susan [hits Teatime] Hello inner child, I'm the inner babysitter!

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Death [reads a list] The boy wants a pair of trousers that he doesn't have to share, a huge meat pie, a sugar mouse, "a lot of toys" and a puppy named Scruff.

Albert Ah, how sweet. I shall wipe away a tear, 'cause what he's getting, see, is this wooden toy and an apple.

Death But the letter clearly...

Albert I know. It's the socio-economic factors. The world would be in a hell of a mess, eh, if everyone got what they asked for.

Death I gave them what they wanted in the store...

Albert Yeah, well, what good is a god that gives you everything you want?

Death You have me there.

Albert It's the HOPE that's important. It's a big part of belief. I mean to say, you give people jam today and they'll just sit and eat it. But jam tomorrow, now... that'll keep them going for ever.

Death And you mean that because of this the poor get poor things and the rich get rich things?

Albert Well, yes. That's the meaning of Hogswatch, isn't it, Master?

Death But I'm the Hogfather! At the moment, I mean.

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[the Auditors have just commissioned Lord Downey, Master of the Guild of Assassins, to "inhume" the Hogfather]

Lord Downey He would be difficult to find.

Auditor 1 You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address.

Lord Downey Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference. Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed? A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?

Auditor 1 You misunderstand the nature of employment.

Lord Downey How do I misunderstand you exactly?

Auditor 1 We pay. You find the ways and means.

Lord Downey How can I contact you?

Auditor 1 [ominously] We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where *everyone* is.

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[Twyla hears a bogeyman under her bed. Susan bashes it with a poker and hauls it out from under the bed]

Twyla Do The Voice on it.